The NL West throws up it’s rock fist.

I like the NL West a lot. They are the Manic Pop Thrill of all the divisions. I firmly believe that if ESPN actually paid any level of attention beyond the Boston/New York/North Carolina Tri-Bourough Sports Bridge, they would find out just how awesome this division is.

But they don’t, so it’s up to your meshuggenah sports blogger to play sufficient hypeman for the NL West. The NL West is straight up Metal. Really. There are four teams you could see winning the division.

And thusly? The Grand National Championships Proudly Present…

Bang Your Head: A National League West (Day Late and Dollar Short) Preview

5) The San Fransisco Giants are Vader

It’s a nihilistic time to be a Giants fan, an old team that’s pretty much Lincecum and Cain and pray for Bloody Rain. Aaron Rowand was the big splash in Free Agency, and they overpaid for a man Skip Bayless would call a gritty Randy Winn. This is the team voted most likely to lose 110 games this year. There is nothing coming down the horizon. All they can do is work the Tremolo and play their little hearts out. Godspeed Giants, Godspeed.

4) The Los Angeles Dodgers are Black Sabbath

A long time ago, Nomar, Jason Schmidt, Jeff Kent, and Rafael Furcal rocked the party that rocked the body. Jeff Kent was indeed Iron Man and what not. But there is going to be a problem in Dodgertown. They have a lot of youth that’s ready to go wild at Chavez Ravine, but they are being blocked by the bloated, dessicated corpses of once great superstars.

With Andruw Jones as Ronnie James Dio

OH, WHAT’S BECOMING OF ME? 

3) The Colorado Rockies are Limozeen

The Rockies were a nice piece of novelty, going to the World Series with little more than Matt Holliday, Troy Tulowitzki, the heart of a Lion and the Wings of a Bat (Because it’s Midnight). But here’s the thing about novelty acts, they ususally cannot come up with good sequels. Frankly, only Weird Al Yankovic has had enough staying power to make his way into dynasty. And let’s just put it this way, like Piratecore, Tay Zonday, Yakoff Smirnoff, and the Homestar Runner, the Colorado Rockies won’t have near enough for an encore.

2) The San Diego Padres are Metallica

Not the modern day sellout “Some Kind of Monster” Metallica. These guys are the old school, Cliff Burton dead in a horrific accident let’s fuck with the new guy “And Justice For All” Metallica. They’re right angry and ready to unleash their “One” upon the world. In this analogy? Peavy is Hetfield, Maddux is Ulrich, and Chris Young is Kirk Hammett. Sadly, the offense is the Napster that will leave them short of their appointed goal. (Though Chase Headley’s going to play Jason Newsted sooner than you think.)  

Poor sucker.

1) The Arizona Diamondbacks are Nine Inch Nails

This team is the most pop metal sensation in the NL West. But we aren’t looking at the elder statesmen of the Industrial thrash scene version. This is the team built for the 1989-1994 Pretty Hate Machine to The Downward Spiral Era of Rocking. It is a fusion of strong pitching (Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, and a bullpen skilled enough to fade trading Jose Valverde) and multi-skilled offense (Their outfield could all threaten 30-30 again).

That, and Mark Reynolds and Randy Johnson are as horrifying as anything you could see in the video for Closer.  

  
HOT!

That’s your baseball in a nutshell for the season. A little comedy, a little cinema, a little hot women, a little bit o’soup, a little manic pop thrill, and a little bit of metal.

This season’s gonna be awesome.

GO BASEBALL!