The Grand National Championships

June 10, 2008

I can pinpoint the exact moment I broke up with the NBA.

I was in the basement of my parents house. It was the NBA on NBC. It was the year after my Milwaukee Bucks got jobbed out in Game 7 (Putting Sam Cassell in foul trouble allowed for Allen Iverson going off). But if I was able to relax through Horace Grant fouling Kevin Johnson in the NBA Finals, and Michael Jordan getting one last offensive foul ignored as he pushed off on Byron Russell, I could fade my home team getting the shaft.

But in 2002, I broke up with the NBA. And I can pinpoint it down to the exact moment. It was like when I was watching Patriot Games and decided that Seth MacFarlane was nothing more than a hack who is in firm belief that his shit never stank. Put it this way, this was the minutes that felt like hours which took only seconds.

Lets set the scene. Game 6, the Lakers have found themselves on road to ruin. Sacramento, after many failings to win a series versus LA, (and were up 3-2 in this series) had led for most of the game, but suddenly? The Lakers started getting sent to the line, and had the lead. The Kings needed a stop. And with Mike Bibby on Kobe Bryant this play happened.

Kobe got trapped to the sideline. Bibby was covering him like a champion. Suddenly, Kobe swings his elbow and Bibby falls.

Dick Bavetta called the foul on Bibby.

I didn’t know the exact whys and wherefores statistically (27 4th quarter free throws for the Lakers), I didn’t know if there was a lack of twisted steel and sex appeal in a matchup between Chris Webber and Jason Kidd. I didn’t know that David Stern has the personality of Alan Dershowitz and the crulety of Michael Vick at Bad News Kennels. I just knew that the refs were corrupt, the Kings got jobbed, and I was done.

So why am I sharing this? It’s three hundred words on a phantom foul. There has to be a reason, right?

Well, yeah. Tim Dongahy says that two officials fixed this game. I’m not saying this to be surprised. It just feels nice to be right.

The Epicness comes later…

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May 30, 2008

I am about to blow your mind!

But something ESPN’s touched has gone to shit! Can you believe it?

Anyway, as the post before has shown, I was outraged as to how the Spelling Bee is now run. It’s a disappointment to end all disappointments. It’s like finding out there’s no Santa Claus and 100% aren’t really your boys. You just get depressed.

Don’t believe me? Actually have a life on Friday Nights? Well let me tell you why the modern spelling bee blows. 

1. No oversized polo shirts.

Remember when the Bee started on the Worldwide leader? The kids would be wearing white polo shirts about 25 sizes too big. And in a way? It was perfect. You have this singular group of special kids who, in wearing ill-fitting clothes, were shown to be as misfitted as the child in his schoolyard environment.

Now? They’re wearing their own clothes. It forces them to lose a part of their mystique. And yet, with the move to prime time? ESPN felt a need to add to the pressure.

2. The parents onstage.

Here’s the thing. If you’re socially awkward? National television is not a place where you’re at your best. Add your stage parents on the stage and eliminate the comfort room? That’s just shitty.

Really. Say you’re Wendy Guey (MOGWAI!) and you’re given mycetophagus. You’re stumped. Flat out. You’re time on the stage is growing short. And you throw the desperation full court heave.

You don’t get the comfort room anymore. You have to sit on stage with your stage parents who don’t want to say that they’re so disappointed in you, but you know in your heart that they are, and you have to watch some Indian kid who was bred to detect a dipthong from two towns over take the title that was rightfully yours!

…or so I’ve heard.

3. Spelling shot clock.

Now in certain elements a shot clock is necessary. If school didn’t have a shot clock, no child in their right mind would show. Basketball goes from lame to awesome with a shot clock. But fringe sports?

FRINGE SPORTS DON’T NEED A SHOT CLOCK!

Do you think there isn’t drama in you knowing what a speller doesn’t? Don’t you want the speller rolling out with a miracle guess in minute 4? It’s like the poker player who puts someone to the test with 42 off-suit and the other guy comes up with a miracle call? Pure fucking drama.

A shotclock is another way ESPN has made this spelling bee artificial. Boo. Boo I say.

But the 4th one? The 4th one is going to be the twist that M. Night Shamalyan wishes he could think up. 

4. Erin Andrews

Really. The Bloggers favorite made the spelling conditions worse on this day. I mean, you have a classy lady within your eyeline at all times, and if you’re a dude, I think you had to have her in fantasy mode in the back of her mind. And if you’re a young lady?

This does not engender a fully formed and actualized Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee experience. Not her fault, but come on ESPN. We need Katie Kerwin in our lives like we need gawky kids on National TV!

Then again, when a company decides to take something to “the next level,” this is what happens. The nice cable event? It becomes an overproduced piece of crap. I want my old spelling bee back.

(And if you’re asking if a part of this is bitterness that Sidharth lost? Yes. Yes it is. He’s if Justin Carroll and Rebecca Sealfon had a love child of Spelling Bee awesome.)

  

May 21, 2008

If you were in Cub Scouts you remember,”A Time To Tell”

Simply put it’s the best educational and informative movie about child sexual abuse ever.

[YOUTUBE=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxacV8b78tk]

BEST….TRAILER…EVER!!!!!

NEVER! EVER! SPILL PAINT IN THE GARAGE!

Max Weinberg in the early years…HAVE A COOKIE!

Is that what the kids call ‘NAMBLA”?

Is that MARIO LOPEZ???!!!

NEVER WATCH BETA WITH THE STEPDAD! THAT’S SICK!!! AND I TRUSTED YOU!

NEVER EVER CLEAN THE ATTIC!  THAT IS NOT FOR ME!

Don’t become a victim and know the signs people!

 

Best video ever.

ELVI!

 

 

May 18, 2008

The Witticism is Back! I feel like Shakespeare, I could write a sonnet! PORN! PORN! PORN!

Comment and subscribe to his channel please! It’s funny cause he’s racist!

ANDREW!

The Guide to Hating Your Spurs

Now, the San Antonio Spurs are the least fun to hate dynasty in Sports. It’s true. Look at them compared to a team like the Dallas Cowboys. Dallas is like a Star Wars prequel. You have an underperforming Golden Boy in Tony Romo Skywalker, a guy who fails in the clutch like Mace Windu Owens, and Adam Pac-Man Jones is like so many Lando Calrissians.


I A’INT GONNA BE IN YOUR GOT DAMN PREQUEL!

But we at the Grand National Championships say we will find good reasons to hate your San Antonio Spurs. Some of them are obvious. (OVER MY DEAD BODY!) Some of them, might surprise you. We will work in Alphabetical Order, if only to build up suspense.


BRENT BARRY (G/F)

With his slam-dunk championship in 1996, Brent Barry effectively killed the slam dunk championship as real NBA entertainment. He also carried this championship and the one time he led the league in three point field-goal percentage into being highly overrated. He really is just a giant Eddie House. And specific motherufckers like that should not have five playoff teams sniffing around him. 

 
MATT BONNER (F)

Nickname: Red Rocket


BRUCE BOWEN (F)

Bruce Bowen would not be in the league except for the fact he mauls whom he tasked to defend. He will go all Bruce Lee on a superstar if it’s going to help. Ask Chris Paul or Steve Nash what his denfense entails. In prison, they would call it a tender love story.


TIM DUNCAN (F/C)

Tim Duncan has never committed a foul. Ever. He will let you know this in the most vociferous terms. A foul to him is like sex with a slumpbuster.

True Story: Tim Duncan once was thrown out of a foot locker after an employee called him on bumping into him by the Air Force Ones.


MICHAEL FINLEY (G/F)

Appeared in Like Mike, Punk’d, Quite Frankly with Steven A. Smith, and The Apprentice. Need I say more? 


MANU GINOBILI (SG)

Those who have played with Ginobili in the Italian Leagues know that beyond his Duncanesque inability to accept a foul call and his Bowenesque mauling of offensive players, he is not at his most dangerous on the court. He was at his best on the road trips, hitting on anything that moves.

From this…

To this…


ROBERT HORRY (F)

For somebody so well-known, he really does nothing of value for the 82-game season and about 47 minutes and 30 seconds of playoff games. He used to be the Nate Dogg that brought #1 jams to everybody from Warren G to Eminem. Now? He’s nothing more than Bruce Bowen’s tag team partner in the three time AWA Tag Team Championship winning team of Bad Company.


“Cheap shots and heel tactics for everybody!” Says Horry.


IAN MAHINMI (C)

Does not use his Frenchness to fight crime. He’s in the D-League, what else is there for him to do?


Mahinmi would fit right in.


FABRICIO OBERTO (C)

Crazy enough to assume that people would want Fabricio Oberto widgets for their social networking homepages and text alerts to their cell phones. He holds meetings for the Obertons, the Fabricio Oberto fan club, and there is no promised punch or pie. Also, his beef jerky is terrible.


TONY PARKER (G)

There is a voluminous array of reasons to hate on Tony Parker (from his flopping to his sexing of the Queen of the Harpies), but if I am going to go in greater detail? I was told it would be over her dead body…

And seeing as she’s too smart for any of my deathtraps, (or I’m too lazy to work on one,) I’ll just leave you with this. Watch and feel the hate flow.


DAMON STOUDAMIRE (G)

Corrupted by the influence of the Jail Blazers. In Toronto? He was going to be the next great point guard. But he went from Mighty Mouse to the master of the giggling green. He wasted his skills just because he wanted to go deeper with the taste of a convenience store chicken ‘n’ swiss.


KURT THOMAS (F/C)

Here’s the thing. He’s a hard worker. He plays with high energy. He’s been on many teams, but they’ve always wanted him. He works with charities and he will play hurt.

But point of fact? His favorite book is Waiting to Exhale. Seriously.


IME UDOKA (F)

Has one of the least accurate fake MySpace profiles of all time. Also? Bruce Bowen has taken him under his wing. Hate him for that if nothing else.


JACQUE VAUGHN (G)

An excellent academic. A renaissance man who lists Sylvia Plath among his favorite authors. But as floppers go? He rates as a negative 8 on the Duke University flop scale. Please do enjoy.

This is your NBA dynasty. A bunch of addicts, cheap shot artists, floppers, punks, and wannabes. They’ve brought the game back into the dark ages.

I’m not writing this as a fan of the NOOCH. I’m writing this because this team has got to be stopped. I don’t care if it gives Kobe another ring. I don’t even care if it allows Boston fans to act like D-Bags.

The Spurs are all that is wrong with the on-court game of basketball. We can fade a lesser evil.

 

May 15, 2008

This always makes me laugh. HAR HAR!

Elvi!

April 24, 2008

Gabe Gross is above replacement level versus right-handed hitters.

But the Brewers traded him to make room for Tony Gwynn Jr. In this respect, it’s not the most savvy move. (And with Frank Thomas available? You could say the same think for the Rays. See, they dealt for Gabe.) And before I call this move a mini-disaster, we need to discuss the return.

That’s Josh Butler. He’s a righty. He’s got a nice repitoire of pitches. A 92-95 MPH fastball with movement. A hard, sinking slider, a curveball with tight spin, and an improving change-up. He has a good intelligence at the plate (so long as he doesn’t abandon his change-up.) He also has good command.

Sure, he has a 6.35 ERA in Vero Beach, but at this point? That can change rapidly, after all, in three or four starts, a mans BABIP can be astronomical.

It’s upside. Pure and simple.

April 19, 2008

Those of you who were here from the beginning know about Brandi Hawbaker

If you don’t? Here’s a cliffs notes. Reasonably attractive, but mentally disturbed poker player/con artist.

But to get you up to speed, she fell in with noted poker author David Skalansky and his Two Plus Two Forum. And when things were good? David was thrilled with the exploitative purproses for his website.

All that and worse, after the jump.

LET’S GET DIRTY! 

(more…)

April 14, 2008

There is a tendency of bloggers to piggyback onto things that its easy to hate.

People that hate them? Sure. Things that now suck? All right. Rockin’ bewbs? Check.

Anyway… why are we here? Not just the rocking boobs. We are talking about Bill Simmons. Pre-Jimmy Kimmel, he was gold. Post-Jimmy Kimmel, he’s become a sort of a lefty one out guy of bloggers. The issue?

He still goes off on each and every subject like what he talks about is sancrosanct. And he is, after all the Boston sports guy. And we know how everybody loves Massholes. He got knocked off the throne. It happens.  

But he always has this core group of defenders who will vault to his aid every time his name gets sullied by anybody in the blogosphere. And as conspiracy theories go, there is one that says every ESPN intern must leap to defend Simmons aid whenever his name is sullied.

I didn’t believe it at first. After all, he does have a reigon of itnerant douchebags that love everything he does. And a lot of people don’t get tripped up by someone they kind of hate. He does not have a cabal of people who protect his rep.

Then Deadspin decided to run a home-field check on various media personalities. There were some surprises. Rachel Nichols is 78% loved? Well okay then. Brent Musberger is 62% loved? That will make my take team partner enraged when he hears that.

But as for Bill Simmons on Deadspin, which is to ESPN as a supermodel is to keeping cake down? 75% approved. This means this guy…

Is more beloved than…

And just a touch more liked than…

Yep. Bill Simmons is more regarded than Bob Costas. And as an ex-Costashead?

Upsets. George Mason to the Final Four, Eli over Brady, Obscurity over Couric, now Simmons over Costas. Time has taken its toll on the regard of William Jefferson “Bill” Simmons. Can Costas beat back the backlash and become the tiniest American hero? The answer lies ahead in what many are calling 2009’s biggest commentary match-up.

Yeah. Deadspin likes Bill Simmons over Costas. What the hell is that?  

April 5, 2008

Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

Charlton Heston is not alive anymore.

One of the greatest actors of all time. Heston will be missed more than he will ever know.  DAMMNNN YOUUU! DAMMMNNN YOUUU ALL TO HELL!!!! YOU BLEW IT UP HESTON!!! THE BASTARDS BLEW IT UP!!

HESTON

We can now pry that gun from his cold dead fingers.

Tear.

ELVI!

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