The Grand National Championships

June 10, 2008

I can pinpoint the exact moment I broke up with the NBA.

I was in the basement of my parents house. It was the NBA on NBC. It was the year after my Milwaukee Bucks got jobbed out in Game 7 (Putting Sam Cassell in foul trouble allowed for Allen Iverson going off). But if I was able to relax through Horace Grant fouling Kevin Johnson in the NBA Finals, and Michael Jordan getting one last offensive foul ignored as he pushed off on Byron Russell, I could fade my home team getting the shaft.

But in 2002, I broke up with the NBA. And I can pinpoint it down to the exact moment. It was like when I was watching Patriot Games and decided that Seth MacFarlane was nothing more than a hack who is in firm belief that his shit never stank. Put it this way, this was the minutes that felt like hours which took only seconds.

Lets set the scene. Game 6, the Lakers have found themselves on road to ruin. Sacramento, after many failings to win a series versus LA, (and were up 3-2 in this series) had led for most of the game, but suddenly? The Lakers started getting sent to the line, and had the lead. The Kings needed a stop. And with Mike Bibby on Kobe Bryant this play happened.

Kobe got trapped to the sideline. Bibby was covering him like a champion. Suddenly, Kobe swings his elbow and Bibby falls.

Dick Bavetta called the foul on Bibby.

I didn’t know the exact whys and wherefores statistically (27 4th quarter free throws for the Lakers), I didn’t know if there was a lack of twisted steel and sex appeal in a matchup between Chris Webber and Jason Kidd. I didn’t know that David Stern has the personality of Alan Dershowitz and the crulety of Michael Vick at Bad News Kennels. I just knew that the refs were corrupt, the Kings got jobbed, and I was done.

So why am I sharing this? It’s three hundred words on a phantom foul. There has to be a reason, right?

Well, yeah. Tim Dongahy says that two officials fixed this game. I’m not saying this to be surprised. It just feels nice to be right.

The Epicness comes later…

May 30, 2008

I am about to blow your mind!

But something ESPN’s touched has gone to shit! Can you believe it?

Anyway, as the post before has shown, I was outraged as to how the Spelling Bee is now run. It’s a disappointment to end all disappointments. It’s like finding out there’s no Santa Claus and 100% aren’t really your boys. You just get depressed.

Don’t believe me? Actually have a life on Friday Nights? Well let me tell you why the modern spelling bee blows. 

1. No oversized polo shirts.

Remember when the Bee started on the Worldwide leader? The kids would be wearing white polo shirts about 25 sizes too big. And in a way? It was perfect. You have this singular group of special kids who, in wearing ill-fitting clothes, were shown to be as misfitted as the child in his schoolyard environment.

Now? They’re wearing their own clothes. It forces them to lose a part of their mystique. And yet, with the move to prime time? ESPN felt a need to add to the pressure.

2. The parents onstage.

Here’s the thing. If you’re socially awkward? National television is not a place where you’re at your best. Add your stage parents on the stage and eliminate the comfort room? That’s just shitty.

Really. Say you’re Wendy Guey (MOGWAI!) and you’re given mycetophagus. You’re stumped. Flat out. You’re time on the stage is growing short. And you throw the desperation full court heave.

You don’t get the comfort room anymore. You have to sit on stage with your stage parents who don’t want to say that they’re so disappointed in you, but you know in your heart that they are, and you have to watch some Indian kid who was bred to detect a dipthong from two towns over take the title that was rightfully yours!

…or so I’ve heard.

3. Spelling shot clock.

Now in certain elements a shot clock is necessary. If school didn’t have a shot clock, no child in their right mind would show. Basketball goes from lame to awesome with a shot clock. But fringe sports?


Do you think there isn’t drama in you knowing what a speller doesn’t? Don’t you want the speller rolling out with a miracle guess in minute 4? It’s like the poker player who puts someone to the test with 42 off-suit and the other guy comes up with a miracle call? Pure fucking drama.

A shotclock is another way ESPN has made this spelling bee artificial. Boo. Boo I say.

But the 4th one? The 4th one is going to be the twist that M. Night Shamalyan wishes he could think up. 

4. Erin Andrews

Really. The Bloggers favorite made the spelling conditions worse on this day. I mean, you have a classy lady within your eyeline at all times, and if you’re a dude, I think you had to have her in fantasy mode in the back of her mind. And if you’re a young lady?

This does not engender a fully formed and actualized Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee experience. Not her fault, but come on ESPN. We need Katie Kerwin in our lives like we need gawky kids on National TV!

Then again, when a company decides to take something to “the next level,” this is what happens. The nice cable event? It becomes an overproduced piece of crap. I want my old spelling bee back.

(And if you’re asking if a part of this is bitterness that Sidharth lost? Yes. Yes it is. He’s if Justin Carroll and Rebecca Sealfon had a love child of Spelling Bee awesome.)


May 27, 2008

I am saddened. The Witticism is not real.

Mr. DrDoombot is a fraud and a phony! And I am so sad.


He stretched the suspension of disbelief. He went too outlandish! He went too outlandish! It’s like there’s no Christmas.

Hilarious troll. But I wish it was real.

April 24, 2008

Gabe Gross is above replacement level versus right-handed hitters.

But the Brewers traded him to make room for Tony Gwynn Jr. In this respect, it’s not the most savvy move. (And with Frank Thomas available? You could say the same think for the Rays. See, they dealt for Gabe.) And before I call this move a mini-disaster, we need to discuss the return.

That’s Josh Butler. He’s a righty. He’s got a nice repitoire of pitches. A 92-95 MPH fastball with movement. A hard, sinking slider, a curveball with tight spin, and an improving change-up. He has a good intelligence at the plate (so long as he doesn’t abandon his change-up.) He also has good command.

Sure, he has a 6.35 ERA in Vero Beach, but at this point? That can change rapidly, after all, in three or four starts, a mans BABIP can be astronomical.

It’s upside. Pure and simple.

March 26, 2008

The AL West Preview you’ve always wanted.

Okay, you know what? The AL West is like a set of pretty girls doing stuff. Aesthetically pleasing. Initially interesting, but ultimately insubstansial. They do not bring it when it counts.

Quite frankly? The AL West is roughly equivalent to the English Pin-Up Girls. And I will preview them thusly.

4) The Texas Rangers are Katie “Jordan” Price

Of all the teams in the AL, the Texas Rangers are the most uninterestingly garish. Sure Josh Hamilton and the Middle Infield are the rough equivalent of Miss Price’s Mammary Glands, but that’s all they’ve got. Pure and simple? The Rangers are the ugly plastic girl with a poor personality. If they get to 75 wins? They’ll be lucky.

3) The Oakland A’s are Vikki Blows

Like a team that has a youth infusion, there will always be new attractive models in this world. Of the English set, the women in question is Vikki Blows. All the prospects that came after the A’s changed gears will not make a splash for the A’s in 2008. But point of fact? Chris Carter and Gio Gonzalez may not be first, but they sure as heck will be next. And Vikki will emerge for great attractiveness when the A’s kids get ready for battle.


2) The Seattle Mariners are Lucy Pinder

As Lucy Pinder is an attractive woman, the Seattle Mariners are a good baseball team. Not oh my god special. But they are pretty good. They loaded themselves up to make a move to escape the shadow of the Angels. But the fact of the matter is, the Angels are a prettier team on paper. And Erik Bedard cannot answer the high cheekbones of John Lackey. They are good, just not good enough to get the pennant.  

1) The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) are Keeley Hazell

This is the preeminent model type woman across the pond. The Los Angeles Angels are the pre-eminent team in the AL West. Sure, the loss of Kelvim Escobar is like a bad hit of plastic surgery on the beautiful playoff contender, but Jon Garland will knock down 85% of all of that production. The only question? Will she float across the pond and knock out the sexy crossover potential?

Yes. I get the sense you may find this a cheap ploy. You may be right.

But the fact remains, the analysis is trenchant. And there will be only one more comparison post until football season.

Thanks for reading.

March 13, 2008

Here’s the thing about changes of pace.

They are the scariest sorts of things to your various bodies of internet celebrities. Why, look at a random sports blogger in Feburary and see how bad it can be if you try to swim against the grain of pace changing. Now, there was an e-mail in all of our in-boxes today. It was an e-mail of hype. It was an e-mail from one of our previous interview subjects.

It was Team Awesome Rocks. They made a new trailer. It holds none of the 8-Bit whimsy of their previous efforts. It was a change of pace.

And it was really quite good. But after I put up the link so you can bask in a curveball for great justice, I need one question answered.

I drink your milkshake, what’s so funny there?  It seems like it would not be.

If you have seen it, learn me why it’s comedic plz.

K thx bye.

December 22, 2007

This is inexplicable.

You are Michigan. You have been struggling and a half for this season. You have been bounced by Harvard and Central Michigan. You have the #8 UCLA Bruins heading into town. You’re expecting a blow-out right? You’re right.

Half right. It seems as if John Belien had his team ready to run up and down the floor in the second half.  And it turned into a 20 point blowout win for the Wolverines.

But that’s okay. I don’t have near the HTML skills to pay these bills.

You got lucky Yahoo.

UPDATE: Michigan 126, UCLA 103 F

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December 2, 2007

I am not one for Schadenfreude.

But you figure that there’s a tragic event like the Redskins experienced there will be wagons circled and everybody will be going balls out with both barrels. And of course, they did. They played with pride and passion.

For 59:52, anyway. Then Joe Gibbs went all geritol upon the candy asses of the Buffalo Bills. One unsportsmanlike conduct penalty later?

Bills 17, Redskins 16.

November 30, 2007


So we all had our little moment of outrage over Lori Drew driving her neighbor’s daughter to kill herself, right? I mean really. It’s been less then a week, a story like that can’t have any resonance in this 24 hour news cycle, add an s to any singular noun without a plural counterpart, video blogging is the wave of the future world. It’s time to laugh again! 

And aren’t we glad that some enterprising asshole decided that they were going to step in and fill that void? Aren’t we glad that we can still laugh like the unremorseful Mrs. Drew? It’s time for America to heal.

Here’s the goddamn problem. We’ve become a nation of “Too Soon?” Seriously. Some child who is having a rough go of it in the real world gets a sick joke played on them by someone who clearly does not have the mental faculty to know that people actually take what’s on the internet as fact. And this asshole calling themselves Kristin makes a troll blog.

I know, part of the problem by linking the thing but still. This is OMG LOL A 13-YEAR OLD KILLED HERSELF, I’M A GONNA CALL HER A BITCH! WATCH! LOOKIT ME I’M JERRY THE KING LOLLER!  

Yeah. Whee. You’re a regular Bill Hicks, aren’t ya? Trolling the internet like a 27 year old Webcam girl for attention and fame.

Yes. You win at the internets. You win because you got me to link to your site like an idiot. You got me because I would be willing to bet that an Evangelical Christian Sized plurality of the internets wish they thought of this first.

(Just because you might not doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Lot of people in this interburg.)

Man, and all I wanted to be pissed off about today was the Brewers potentially giving David Riske four years and 19 million dollars. But you people that think asshole equals funny just had to go and get me riled up.

November 24, 2007

The Baton Rouge Cataclysm.

Because that’s what Arkansas 50, LSU 48 was. It shook the college football world. There are so many things that need to be made mention of this game that I’m going to do that for which I hate and make this in a list form.

1) Kansas, with a win, becomes the best college football team in the country.

  • Has the magic of fat guy in a little coat reached its zenith? Mizzou nation certainly hopes so. Also, the Reesing-Daniel match-up becomes just a little more important, but not nearly as fun as the Maclin-Talib whango tango.

2) Tim Tebow’s Heisman Candidacy may be in doubt yet again.

  • The mainstream media is lazy and stupid. Darren McFadden had the undivded attention of many voters yesterday. The #1 team in the nation. A usually stout defense. 205 yards rushing, 4 touchdowns (1 passing). If you doubt me, I have two reasons to counteract your counter.
  • 1) The last time LSU was #1 a seemingly mediocre team used the wizardry of its All-American candidate to lead their school to a shocking win in a three overtime thriller. This in turn vaulted Andre Woodson to the top of the Heisman pops.
  • 2) Darren McFadden is older. No true underclassman has ever won the Heisman trophy. This is essentially a lifetime achievement award. And I know what you’re gonna say. That’s stupid right? Well, scroll up an inch or two.

3) Les Miles has been coaching like he has the Michigan job wrapped up for a while now.

  • Nothing really relevant to say here, just spreading opinion and spurious rumor. It is quite fun after all.
  • Expecting a Nation of Islam Sportsblog mention of Ryan Perriloux and his Nubian skin any day now.

4) How far does LSU drop?

  • If it’s only to four, as some on Fox Sports have said? That would be no bueno. That’s not to say that I don’t like LSU. That’s not even to say that my belief in the SEC being overrated has anything to do with it. (Georgia should be 4th with a win over Georgia Tech.)
  • What it is to say is that out of the four or five two loss teams that you would have to consider for the BCS in a disaster scenario (UConn beats West Virginia and Oklahoma beats the winner of KU-Mizzou), LSU is third.
  • Though if Andre Woodson can smack Phillip Fullmer’s Sun Tzu quoting impression of Lloyd Carr up and down the field I would not reconsider this stance at a later date.

5) You want a question for down the road?

  • How far will Glenn Dorsey slip in the draft?

Yeah. This game was big. It was bad. And quite frankly, it just might lead to another piece of BCS dreck served to you a week after everybody else stopped caring about the NCAA Football.

I mean really. They’re going to jerry-rig a special match-up if Kansas/Mizzou and West Virginia don’t win out. It will not inspire nor electrify.

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