The Grand National Championships

January 31, 2008

No One’s Gonna Take Me Alive.

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 9:31 pm

My other non-substitute teaching job is making me wish to smash things.

Also, huzzah for the Badgers just destroying Indiana for the first 28 minutes. I’d be able to talk about it more, but I wish my other job won’t leave me the fuck be.

Apparently? Having 5 people who can cover a job site is a brilliant idea.

Yeah, yippee fucking skippy.

How to make enemies and irriate friends.

Recently, Domino’s pizza has combined forces with ESPN to create ESPN Shorts! Read all about it. Courtesy of Awful Announcing. As one can imagine they’re awful and painful at the same time.

I really don’t know what’s sadder, the actors in these shorts or the fact that an ad firm and ESPN thought that these commericals were HIGH LARIOUS!

Don’t believe that they’re awful? watch in pain for yourself.

Yes! Patriots overkill!

HOCKEY IS THE MOST POPULARS SPORT EVER! Even a peguin can’t save the funny.

We should all learn from this, because obviously, we didn’t learn from, “WHO’S NOW!?”

ELVI!

You may find this hard to believe…

But I have actually struck up something of a friendship with certain elements of sports Blogfrica. Yeah, considering my winning personality and ability to go off on bipolar fits of rage? I am a little surprised too.

But one of my two posts that I have deleted was in regards to a promise. My one principle if you will. It is a simple code, but as the song says, I am a simple kind of man.

Under no circumstances will I ever ask you to buy a t-shirt. Blogger T-shirts, to a poly-cotton blend, are wastes of your time and money. And a certain popularish humor type site came out with T-shirts which were lamer than a Dennis Miller obscure reference.

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I shelved it, but then, this site came back with a T-shirt that looked like it took 3 minutes to design. Sure, text on a t-shirt takes less time, but this right here…

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Is something that screams, “action font over a poorly drawn Nevada! Give me eighteen dollars!” Indeed, this is endemic of your average blogger t-shirt. Overpriced laziness for passe catchphrases and shitty logos.

And yet? I still went on to something else. Why? Because I found out that ESPN killed a story that was heavily negative toward a poker advertiser. And while t-shirts like these need and deserve to be ragged on, there was news to report.

And there was a blogger friend of mine who saw an opportunity. A third chance at becoming a one-issue advocate within the Blogfrican confines. And since this is a stand I must believe in, I have got to shout this from the highest mountaintops.

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If you are so hard up to think of a way to spend 20-25 dollars, send me your money. You will be supporting a man of reasonable entertainment value, and the fact of the matter is odds are I will last longer than your average blogger t-shirt. They come from the school that still loves the “Make 7-Up Yours” T-shirt.

No one will remember them in 6 months. Really. Raise your hand if you still sport your Viva El Cumslinger t-shirt with pride.

Also. If you wish to disagree. Comment below. But you know I’m right.

You know I’m right.

January 30, 2008

CONAN HAS SAVED LINCOLN!

Filed under: *Sanjaya Wipe*,You sold out!,YouTubers! — by Elvi Patterson! @ 10:08 pm
Tags:

Conan O’Brian is the doing the best job with his show since the writer’s strike. 

GET THE LED OUT AND SAVE SOME LINCOLN!

ELVI!

January 29, 2008

I have found a slight bit of unfortunate political endorsements.

Filed under: Analysisesims!,Political Mainlining — by Andrew @ 11:44 pm

Yes, in this day and age, you can never be too careful of who you endorse. One wrong move, and some idiot will tie you to something spurious.

Now, I have made mention of how my Myspace friend count was incredibly inflated. And it is. I have met two of my MySpace homies. But I found a bulletin from a Professional Wrestler that was making his endorsment.

The Name: Shad “The Beast” Gaspard.
The Endorsement: Barack Obama.

And if you are wondering just how Shad Gaspard got to be famous. If you are wondering how Shad Gaspard got to be a part of Sports Entertainment. I will tell you.

The Grand National Championships Proudly Present: The Debut of the African-American Criminal Stereotypes!

Yes. A black man paid to play a criminal is endorsing Barack Obama.

If nobody would tell Rush Limbaugh, I would be much obliged.

Thanks. Bye!

It seems as if…

 

Bizarro Stephen A. Smith here. It seems as if the blogosphere or “blogfrica” as you some have lovingly called it has taken issue with the Super Bowl preview event that is called “Media Day.” And while your Stephen A. Smith has castigated bloggers in the past for not being nearly as important as his own self? I must admit, I do see a point.

What initially was an event for the media to get stories for their home paper has become more of an anachronism than America’s popular fascination with church. If you do not believe me? Let me go get some cheeto’s and I shall return with my logical proof.

If you will wait?

Anyway, I am back. And the reason why Media Day is obsolete is simple. With two weeks to prepare for a game and the sports media on much the same cycle as a CNN or MSNBC, what legitimate stories, from the sublime to the ridiculous, that could have been culled from the participants has been found long before the game week Tuesday. What is left is nothing more than a three-ring circus. A theater of the absurd for posers and fools, if you will.

It does need to be abolished. The teams have better ways to use the time, and it would actually force the more bovine of my brethren to actually use their journalism degrees. It is good for the NFL. It is good for the sports media.

I dunno. I guess this wasn’t important. 

Sent by Verizon Wireless Blackberry.

Where do you go for the Puppy Bowl Coverage?

Here. We have broken down the starting line-ups for your Puppy Bowl IV, coming this Sunday on Animal Planet. It will be the single greatest thing of all-time, and you can’t tell the players without a program.

We have that program.

Offensive Puppy Superstars!

Defensive Puppy Superstars!

Now you’ll know, and knowing is half the battle.

Andrew and ELVI!

Defense wins championships. Can it also win PUPPY BOWLS?

Now my tag team partner Mister Patterson has broken down the offense, I will give you the key to the puppy bowl. I will give you the Defense.

It is meat. It is the kibble. It is the chew toy.

It is the most important breakdown of all time. And by important I do mean adorable.

cavachon 
Finnigan Breed: Cavalier King Charles Spaniel / Bichon Frise Mix (aka Cavachon) (PR/KR)
A dog without a true position. Finnigan is pure speed. He has the moves and the wheels to break away from the pack for multiple touchdowns. We just might be looking at a Devin Hester-styled MVP run for Finnegan. But at the very least, there will be lots of pups in Finnigan’s wake. 

lab mix 
Jack Breed: Labrador Mix (DE)
Jack Fact: This Jack likes it when you scratch his belly. Also, he refuses to be faked out. He sees a puppy with the ball, he will take him out, no matter if the puppy releases it. Dumb but lovable, much like a TGIF Sitcom. 

mini dachshund 
Jack Breed: Mini Dachshund (DT)
Jack Fact: Wishes to find a home with a large field and has the eyes of a depressed housewife. These eyes lead to excellent reactions and heroic tackles. Jack is the puppy that makes Scuba the superstar. Also, he will cut you wide open!

west highland terrier 
Jackson Breed: West Highland Terrier (CB)
Useless in run support. But if there’s a ball thrown his way? He will close faster than a Japanese Salaryman in need of tension release. And look at that face. He is truly the most adorable cornerback since the immortal Dick “Night Train” Lane. When you look into Jackson’s eyes, you finally understand the beauty of “The Notebook.”

bull terrier 
Janet Breed: Bull Terrier Mix (NT)
We all know that Janet’s grandfather carried Bob Golic’s washed up butt in Superdogs:Superjocks. But few know that Janet’s mother had a scene and a line in Saved by the Bell: The New Class. The magic of mulleted Golic is strong, and we shall all bear witness on Puppy Bowl Sunday.

Rottweiler  
Kodiak Breed: Rottweiler / Lab Mix (DE/OLB)
Kodiak plays the hybrid Rob in this defense. He is at once built for speed and power. Kodiak has all the tools. Athleticism, Adorability, Toughness. Kodiak has the on-field skills of Lawrence Taylor and the off-field style of LT in the Waterboy. Bingo is having fitful dreams of Kodiak and his pigeon friend chasing him down and going Puppy Theisman!

chow chow 
Kira Breed: Chow Chow Mix (CB)
You would think a tiny face and ease of panting would be a hinderance. You would be wrong. Kira is the press corner that’s not afraid to stick her cute button nose in against a runner. And she will make them bite the rawhide.

australian toy shepherd 
Maiisey Breed: Australian Toy Shepherd (SS)
Maiisey is a force to be reckoned with on deep balls. A tad undersized, she makes up for it with her remarkable tracking skills and fireceness in seperating the ball from the receiver. Not as adorable as some of her backfield counterparts. But Puppy Bowl’s are not won without help from Maiisey and as the dude who hangs out all day at 7-11 would say? “She’ll chew the crotch out of a rag doll.”

border collie 
Rascal Breed: Border Collie Mix (FS)
A herding dog, Rascal is the perfect dog to roam the defensive backfield. Faster than a people mover, Rascal is great at making the other dogs her footsteps. Like his hero Ed Reed, Rascal knows that true swagger comes from never staring directly at the camera. Fear the Rascal!

mini pinscher 
Raven Breed: Beagle / Mini Pinscher Mix (DE)
You do not want to have to stare down this one when he can pin his ears back and rush the quarterback. This dog will hunt. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. As adorable as Charles Haley on a coke binge. Raven could easily bumrush the MVP of Puppy Bowl IV. 

mixed breed 
Scuba Breed: Unknown — Mixed Breeds (MLB)
Scuba is the Rocky Balboa of this event. He grew up on the mean streets of Washington D.C. not knowing exactly what he is. What he is is all heart. He is the story that would be beaten into the ground if he were human. He’s not a Cockapoo. He’s not a Cavachon. He’s not even a Morkie. He’s a mutt. A mutt that made it to the Puppy Bowl on nothing but guts and dry nuggets of dog food. No HGH for Scuba. Jerome Bettis could not have grown up in any more adverse circumstances.

morkie 
Tucker Breed: Maltese / Yorkshire Terrier Mix (aka Morkie) (OLB)
Morkie’s always chase. From sideline to sideline, and goalpost to goalpost. You can never let up on a Morkie. They will find and cause trouble. You need to catch them in the act. Just like my third wife, am I right?

And on that Catskills joke, I think we must make our leave.

I know it seems shocking to some that Sportish type bloggers are going to be leaving this “Super Bowl” for the Puppy Bowl onslaught. But after reading this. You should know.

You should know.

We have your offensive starting line-up for this year’s PUPPY BOWL!

Big, big props to Animal Planet! They’re the saviours of awesome! These brillant folks started this amazing new event that in 30 years will be bigger than the NFL’s Super Bowl.  The Puppy Bowl is comprised of this nation’s greatest four legged all-stars.  These combatants of the squeaky toy, these tyrants of the water dish, will prove to all Americans (especially single women over 35, and effeminate heterosexual men) That,”Puppy Power” isn’t just some horrible catchphrase coined by an awful gimmick.

scrappy

Scrappy Doo:  The worst gimmick of a horrible show!

We’re not here to discuss bad gimmicks; nay, we’re here to give the people what they want.  More cute puppies doing stuff!

2008’s PUPPY BOWL OFFENSIVE LINE-UP!

abigail
Abigail  (Wide-Receiver)
Breed: Parson Russell Terrier (aka Jack Russell Terrier)

The front runner for the MVP! (Most Valuable Puppy!)  Speculations run wild about how Abigail came into our world.  Some say that Abigail is a direct descendent of Jack Londons’ fictional heros’ White Fang and Buck (Call Of The Wild)  Others say that Abigail simply IS and always has been.  There is no doubt, however, that if you have Abigail run the slant, touch-downs will rain like chocolate! (OH NOS! DOGS CAN’T EAT CHOCOLATE!)

attucker
Attucker   (Running Back)
Breed: Beagle

The Brave Little Toaster of running backs.  Attucker adhers to the golden rule,’NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!’  Those in the know treat Attucker as a conundrum, wrapped in an engima, dropped into a martini. 

bingo
Bingo  (Quarterback)
Breed:
American Staffordshire Terrier/ American Pit Bull Mix

I really, really want to like Bingo.  He’s got a tough background and he’s played in the big games.  But, all this talk of Bingo being the,”Golden Boy”, and noone has forgotten the whole squirrel/pigeon fighting ring in his doghouse (hint: Pigeons fight dirty!). Leads me to branding Bingo,”The Parker Lewis Can’t Lose!” of the puppy bowl.  You may be awesome, but all I really remember about you is THE KUBE! CUBE!

bruin
Bruin (Lineman)
Breed:
Alaskan Malamute

All you need to know about Bruin is this,‘DUDE, LIKES TO PARTY!”

cali
Cali  (Lineman)
Breed:
Shih Thu

This is the Gary Busey of Linemen.  If you knock on Cali, there will an apocalyptic firestorm that you will never recover from.   Seriously, DO NOT F**K WITH CALI! I’m only saying this because the last time Cali got messed with; the consequences involved vice grips and Grecco-Roman Oil Wrestling.

cody
Cody  (Tight-End)
Breed:
American Cocker Spaniel/Poodle Mix (AKA cockapoo)

Cody is better than Jeremy Shockey.  Seriously.  Ask Eli.

P.S.

Eli wants you to know that Cockapoo is his favorite name ever!  GET IT!?

colt
Colt  (Lineman)
Breed:
  Bernese Mountain Dog

Colt is the cutest player on the gridiron.  Don’t be fooled by his charm though.  Colt’s mother is better known as,”Air Bud”.  This only means one thing, if there is a slam-dunk contest during this puppy bowl.  Put your money on Colt!

deliah
Deliah (Lineman)
Breed:
Shepard Mix

Deliah is tougher than Mr. T in Rocky III.  Why?  Simple, after that pussified love song by Plain White T’s came out.  Everyone in the locker room started calling Deliah and asking him what it’s like in New York City.  Suffice to say, being mocked makes Deliah mad! GRRRRR!

Dixie
Dixie  (Wide-Receiver)
Breed:
  Golden Retriever

This is not your Randy Moss type Receiver.  Nay, this is your Jerry Rice type Receiver!  You can count on Dixie in the clutch.  The fans know him simply as ,”Golden Jesus”.  Also, Dixie’s Samba is sheer magic and his Rumba leaves all aghast and wanting more.

Elle
Elle  (Full Back)
Breed:
  Havanse

Elle makes Mike Tyson scared like a little white bitch.  Want more proof of her ferocity?  Her owner is Bea Arthur.

Ellie-Mae
Ellie-Mae (Center)
Breed:
  Saint Bernard/Shepard Mix

It’s been rumoured that Ellie-Mae has a drinking problem.  That’s just because she’s half Saint Bernard.  What is true is that she is prone to making Charles Grodin crazy and she’s dating another Saint Bernard named Mozart.

Emma
Emma  (Running Back)

Breed:  Parson Russel Terrier

Emma is fast.  Like, Telegram fast!  Also, you can count on Emma to watch,”Monk” with your parents while you slip out to a bar. 

The Puppy Bowl will be more entertaining than the Super Bowl.  Seriously. The Half-Time show alone is worth watching!

ELVI!

January 28, 2008

Did you know that Jimmy Buffet had everything to do with Footloose?

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 6:08 pm

YACHT ROCK 11 IS HERE!

Are you ready to ride into the danger zone of awesome and celebrity cameos? It is here. It is now. Go time!

Hint: If you read the interview? You will find who your cameo is.

Stay smooth my brethren! I believe in you!

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