The Grand National Championships

June 11, 2008

So, today was a great day.

I took about a day off in regards to the hard work that I took. I know, that’s the wrong thing to do. But I did not avoid learning. The good days are as much of a learning experience as the bad ones.

I shall present you a bulletpoint of things that I have learned, because we are getting into the silly season of sports where it’s baseball or death.

  • I wish to know more about Pepper the Norte Dame Comeback Dolphin. I do not trust mammals that share affiliations with Condoleeza Rice and Ed BeBartolo Jr. Consider me specist, but this has not failed me yet.
  • Blogger pro tip #357: If you get upset that one of the places that you hyped your work doesn’t link it? You need a day off. You have to believe in yourself if you want to succeed. Motivated Frank taught me that!
  • The thing that you don’t know about me? I appeared on a televised episode of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” when I was 18 and took down a cool $64,000. So you know if you were ever in a trivia deathmatch? I’d be one to call. Imagine my surprise when a team of bloggers formed to be in a quiz bowl with the Mainstream Media…
  • …and I was jealous. I’m man enough to admit it.
  • But then I realized two things. Even despite the breakout of the stale, my blog isn’t the elegance nor has the readership of the others. Cripes, Spencer Hall has his own rally dolphin! Also, I could have avoided Derek Belling my way through high school and got into a non-hyphenated real school. Good look to the Blogging Avengers, and if ever you need a sparring partner? I’m not difficult to find.
  • Oh, and Clay Travis? The end topic of that Season 4 Episode of Saved by the Bell? Basketball. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
  • Also? I made Something Awful Forums! My crossover is nascent, but developing.

Really, I was goofing around and garnering a triple double. Cripes, Jason Kendall homered! Life is good.

So good that this doesn’t bother me…


SCHADENFREUDE!

 

May 27, 2008

I am saddened. The Witticism is not real.

Mr. DrDoombot is a fraud and a phony! And I am so sad.

:(.

He stretched the suspension of disbelief. He went too outlandish! He went too outlandish! It’s like there’s no Christmas.

Hilarious troll. But I wish it was real.

May 21, 2008

If you were in Cub Scouts you remember,”A Time To Tell”

Simply put it’s the best educational and informative movie about child sexual abuse ever.

[YOUTUBE=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxacV8b78tk]

BEST….TRAILER…EVER!!!!!

NEVER! EVER! SPILL PAINT IN THE GARAGE!

Max Weinberg in the early years…HAVE A COOKIE!

Is that what the kids call ‘NAMBLA”?

Is that MARIO LOPEZ???!!!

NEVER WATCH BETA WITH THE STEPDAD! THAT’S SICK!!! AND I TRUSTED YOU!

NEVER EVER CLEAN THE ATTIC!  THAT IS NOT FOR ME!

Don’t become a victim and know the signs people!

 

Best video ever.

ELVI!

 

 

May 12, 2008

I present to you..COMEDY GLOD!

err Comedy GOLD!!!

Conan and Jordan Schlansky!

 

enjoy,

ELVI!

April 30, 2008

Dear Readers,

The Month of April had you looking at our website for 73,636 pageviews. That blew every other month we’ve had out of the water. And if you’re wondering why?

Clearly, it’s because we’re putting up photos of women. Not the Matt Fraction interview. Not the draft coverage. Not even the classic posts of the Tigers. It’s because we have pretty girls doing stuff.

Yes. Partying dudes and nerds. Because this last month was so awesome. One more for the road, amirite?

That’s Rachael Nichols a.k.a. Scarlett in the childhood raping remake of GI Joe. I’ll let you decide if she’s more attractive than Rachael Nichols.

Yeah. I’m moving on. I suggest you do the same.

April 23, 2008

Behold! The Prodigal Son Has Returned!

GRANDY IS DANDY!

Granderson:  I’MMMMMM BAAAAAACCCCKKKK!! YAY!!!

Tonight, the Tigers of the city named Detroit played an aggressive game of baseball against the Rangers of Texas.  This was no ordinary game of baseball, for you see; Curtis “100 Grand” Granderson made his triumphiant return to Motown! 

yay!

Granderson:  I totally rock! LOL!

Granderson, with the city of Detroit firmly behind him; went 2-4 with two singles and 2 RBI’s.  Curtis Granderson is the catalyst for the Tigers.  As their lead off hitter, Granderson gives the Tigers the speed and man on base they’ve needed for the last three weeks.  On a team loaded with big hitters, Granderson is the cranberry sauce in a can for the Tiger’s Thanksgiving dinner.  Curtis is the glue that makes everything delicious and awesome about this year’s Detroit Tigers!

delicious

Cranberry Sauce:  RESPECT ME!  I MAKE THINGS DELICOUS!

Major League Baseball really, really needs to take notice of Mr. 100 Grand and begin promoting him and his awesome ways.  He could easily become the next Ken Griffey Jr.  Think about it this way Mr. Selig, when Curtis Granderson was doing his rehab starts in Grand Rapids, Michigan the team sold an additional 3000 tickets. 

All I can say is this, Thank you Curtis Granderson for making me care about the 2008 baseball season again!

 

ELVI!

April 20, 2008

The Grand National Interview: Marvelous Matt Fraction.

Matt Fraction is a man with the ability to bend your mind. From his creator owned books “The Five Fists of Science” and “Casanova” to his current runs on “The Immortal Iron Fist” and “Punisher: War Journal” to upcoming runs on “The Invincible Iron Man” and “Uncanny X-Men,” whether with Ed Brubaker or by himself, Matt Fraction is giving you some of the best stories in comics.  

And luckily, Matt was nice enough to take time out of his busy schedule, to answer some questions about his works, Hollywood, the Chicago Cubs, Mr. Belvedere, and the craziest very special episode you ever won’t see.

And you’ve got to respect a man who’s been photographed sporting such a rockin’ beard.   

The questions begin…AFTER THE JUMP!

(more…)

April 3, 2008

Do you wish for an ability to drop Draft Knowledge? (Part 1)

We are helpful people at The Grand National Championships. We like you. And when you’re gonna watch the NFL Draft on the last weekend in April? You’re gonna want to know stuff. I will bring you the stuff to know.

Elvi Patterson can hate me now, but I won’t stop now.

Let me tell you all you need to know about the quarterback class.

There are five that should go on Day 1. That you know. But did you know that if you wish to know where the sleeper goes, all you need to do is look inside an [Anchorman Reference]?

(Heh. Heh. Heh.)

The Magnificient Seven (Quarterbacks)

1. Matt Ryan (QB-Boston College)
6’4″ 223 4.95

There are some whom would compare him to Joe Montana. There are some whom would compare him to Tom Brady. Hell, Pro Football Weekly would even throw in Peyton Manning. Wrong. All of you are wrong.

His arm is not laser, and he will let you down going deep. He can manage the game well, but his vertical game blows. Out and out shitty.

Not to say he won’t have real world value in 2009, it’s just that you aught to temper your hopes, guy.

brees_ribeiro.jpg

But being Drew Brees means you know how to learn the Carlton Dance!

WHY Matt Ryan is the next Drew Brees? He will struggle mightily for the first few years with a bad offensive line.

2. Brian Brohm (QB-Louisville)
6’4″ 224 4.82

 

Brian Brohm has lived a sheltered life at Louisville. A spread offense guaranteed to put up numbers for any quarterback? Two brothers as coaches? His daddy as a constant presence? Even though he was injury prone, the fix was in for him to succeed.

I know, I’m being mean. He does have a laser arm. He does have on-field football smarts. He’s not fast, but he’s not a statue in the pocket. Leadership is not a strong suit, however.

WHYhe will be the next Brady Quinn? His intangibles are questionable, his arm is not that great, and if the Ravens fall in love with a cornerback? He will lose millions on draft day.

3. Joe Flacco (QB-Delaware)
6’6″ 236 4.85

 

Kerry Collins had a passing camp in South Jersey. It crossed paths with a computer camp. Theirs was a love that could not last. Fortunately, Kerry does not believe in sexual congress with condoms. Nine months later, Ms. Flacco’s baby boy was born.

Don’t believe me? Think this story libelous? Well, how about we explain that Flacco is a statuesque laser, rocket-armed quarterback who is not great under pressure and has a drinking problem*?

He’s only going to be good as his coaching and supporting cast.

WHY he may be the next Matt Schaub? He’s going to be drafted as some teams back-up in the second round, have a good game versus the Patriots, and be rumored to get dealt for two years hence. 

*The Mileage on Joe Flacco’s drinking problem may vary.

4. Chad Henne (QB-Michigan)
6’2″ 230 4.94

Being as my friend Elvi lives in Michigan, he is inundated with hype from Ann Arbor. He is sick of Chad Henne. In that way? He’s like your average Michigan fan.

But like anything that can be much-maligned, the fact of the matter is that Henne brings more to the table than you think. He throws hard, he plays hurt, and he has played well in big games not involving Ohio State. However, he is inaccurate and like the bastard child of Kerry Collins, when the line breaks down Henne cannot stand and deliver. The devil he may take ya.

WHY he may never be a full-time starter? He has a lot of bad habits that would only be correctable by good coaching. And do you know what’s the most translatable skill of a quarterback from college to the pros? Accuracy.

5. Andre’ Woodson (QB-Kentucky)
6’4″ 229 4.88

 

Let it be said that we will make an effort to speak upon him fairly. We love his style and his ability to come up big in the biggest of games. He is poor in throwing technique. He would need to land with a team that has a swanky quarterback coach to polish the rough edges. He was not great in the all-star games.

But that being said, the man is a gunslinger. He brought them back versus three teams in the Top 15 and stood toe to toe with the son of Jor-El. And while some dream of him as a Jason Campbell or a David Garrard, if everything breaks right? (And I do mean every damn thing?)

 

WHY I just might not be crazy? A 2nd round graded quarterback who can move around from a southern school who can bring his marginally talented team back against powerhouses? He’s got the heart and the balls.

These are your day one quarterbacks in terms of value. Sure, an Erik Ainge or John David Booty may sneak in if some team has a grade for them, but they’re backup value at best (Ainge more than Booty). But in Day 2 the only city that bears an interest?

San Diego!

Day 2 Sleepers

A. Josh Johnson  (QB-San Diego)
6’2″ 213 4.55

 

There’s an impetus to find upside in your quarterback. Josh Johnson is the best and brightest. He destroyed competition in the Division 1-AA (FCS, whatever) with a 43-1 TD-INT ratio. And get this? His throwing style isn’t raw either! He may not be used to the speed of the pro game, but he’s not just some spread option sucker.

He played under a pro-style offense in San Diego. Jim Harbaugh was his sensei.

But there is some dark clouds in this ray of sunshine. He’s not one of the 6’5″ 240 sized types of quarterbacks, it means he may get launched. And he may never settle into his happy feet. But the fact of the matter? If Throwing Into Traffic wants to talk about what dreams may come? Talk up Josh Johnson.

WHY he might be drafted on Day 1? You remember Tavaris Jackson? Josh Johnson is the Platinum Edition of Tavaris.

B. Kevin O’Connell (QB-San Diego State)
6’5″ 225 4.64

He may not be the one, but Kevin O’ Connell [a.k.a. Cush] sure is the prototype. Strong arm with good accuracy, good footwork along with timed speed, and he has pretty good accuracy. And his sensei is a strong molder of quarterbacks. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell a prospect. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell blossom in the most heterosexual way possible.

And yet? The man can’t stay healthy. The man could not destroy a mid-major conference even with Chuck Long’s Mr. Miyagi-style.  He can lose the plate every so often and he will not stand tall and true. He is not the gunslinger you are looking for.

WHY won’t he be another Dan McGwire? He’s agile and mobile. That and he doesn’t juice. He is not going to be a bust.

That’s it. About 1200 words in regards to your fine quarterback prospects. Yeah. This was a bit of an effort. Woot and what not.

March 17, 2008

As I lay diabetic.

Gather round kids,  the end times are fast approaching. 

The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is:

KU!

The Kansas Jayhawks!

Why?  well it’s easy.  They’re so under the radar that even Siena thinks they’re nobody.  So they easily won the big 12 conference, they only beat a Kevin Durantless Texas.  After all, if Wisconsin can beat them, they must suck, right?  Yes……and NO!  I mean everyone knows that Kansas doesn’t have a breakout freshman like their in-state rival Kansas State (Micheal Beasley for those not in the know). 

But lo, Kansas does have a weapon.  There is something that is stronger than a powerhouse freshman.  That is Mario Chalmers; better known as Superintendent ( or Super-nintendo) Chalmers

supintendent chalmers

Steamed Hams huh?

One weapon is never enough.  You always need back-up…wingmen, if you will.  Thankfully Kansas has two grade A wingmen in Brandon Rush and Darrell Arthur.  These titans of cockblocking will ensure that you end up with the one you call and that one will sexxor the fat chick.

wingman

 But really, when it comes down to it; players don’t really matter when it comes to Kansas winning the NCAA tournament.  It all boils down to good luck and karma.  Kansas has gooey jumbo sized tubs of good karma in the transfatty goodness that is Mark Mangino!

mangino!

Mark Mangino is the fat guy in a little coat.   When Mangino does the truffle shuffle, the Amish in Lancaster,PA know their crops will be bountiful.  Mark Mangino brought Kansas Football into actual relevance this past year, and he will ensure with each greasy bite of his corndog of justice that the Jayhawks will be the victors in this year’s NCAA tournament.

Learn it, know it, live it.

ELVI!

March 13, 2008

Here’s the thing about changes of pace.

They are the scariest sorts of things to your various bodies of internet celebrities. Why, look at a random sports blogger in Feburary and see how bad it can be if you try to swim against the grain of pace changing. Now, there was an e-mail in all of our in-boxes today. It was an e-mail of hype. It was an e-mail from one of our previous interview subjects.

It was Team Awesome Rocks. They made a new trailer. It holds none of the 8-Bit whimsy of their previous efforts. It was a change of pace.

And it was really quite good. But after I put up the link so you can bask in a curveball for great justice, I need one question answered.

I drink your milkshake, what’s so funny there?  It seems like it would not be.

If you have seen it, learn me why it’s comedic plz.

K thx bye.

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