The Grand National Championships

June 30, 2008

NBA Free Agent Breakdown

I know Free Darko may be doing this, but I’m gonna be rolling out with some breakdowns of all the NBA Free Agents. Why? Because I love you damnit.

I’m gonna break it down in a polling style. Top 25 shall we? We shall.

25. Jorge Garbajosa: You want a larger James Posey that you can get for promises of playing time and Sopapillas? Look to Jorge. He may want to be back in Spain, but if you have a third forward hole? You can get threes and D cheaply.
24. Randolph Morris: He’s a projectable 6’11” guy. If there’s a team willing to teach him? The rewards could be awesome.
23. Chris Andersen: In his negative intangible categories? The Birdman is spectaculawesome. In athleticism and shot blocking he is also spectacular. If he’s chill on court, he’s plus plus.
22. Walter Herreman: Plus plus scorer. He can put the biscuit in the basket from the inside and the outside. But he’s kind of a Ken Phelps All-Star as B-ballers go.
21. Sebastian Telfair/Jannero Pargo: A melange of decent point guardery. Sebastian Telfair is a flashy ballhandler with good scoring skills. He’s on the path to be a rich man’s Rafer Alston if you will. Jannero Pargo is a good shooter with active defenstration skills. Combine these two and you have a super point guard. American Mad Scientists? GET AFTER IT! YOUR GENERAL MANAGERS NEED YOU!
20. Flip Murray: He’s an excellent scorer. He has creativity in putting the ball in the basket. His game is not unique. He’s a bit of the ballhog. He’s not very tough on D either.
19. Delonte West: He’s learned the point, and he’s now more than just a lockdown at the point. I mean, for a 6’2″ dude? He’s a spectacular shotblocker. And now? He’s a decent shooter and a good pro. He’s gonna get an offer to be matched.
18. Louis Williams: On the Monta Ellis career path. A super-athletic undersized two. He’s a mid-range shot away from being a clone.
17. Boobie Gibson: Spectacular shooter. Spectacular tweener. Kind of redundant with Delonte, but combo guards are in vogue. He’s got value. His career shall continue.
16. Andris Biedrins: A high-energy defender who has a nice bit of black hole in his offensive skills. If he’s just on the mid-range game, and if Golden State makes a choice not to return everybody. He can be of solid value.
15. Sasha Vujacic: The Machine is the Machine. But what is the machine? An oversized Euro point guard who can hit the three in bunches. And he’s got playmaking skills and good handles. The machine has heart. But it does not make his defense good, or okay.
14. Bonzi Wells: If he loses weight, he can be spectacular. He can be an undersized four, drain the three, rebound, defend, and pass with awesome. But he’s fat and inconsitent. He’s great with one year contracts.
13. Luol Deng: He’s a Dukie. So he’s got good fundatangible goodness. He has versatility and a midrange game. He’s lanky and he can put the ball on the floor. Can he keep improving? I really couldn’t care less.
12. J.R. Smith: He’s not Josh Smith, and because of that? I will not love him. But long range and to the hole? He’s good. Everywhere else? Not so much. Also, he’s pretty much a dick. So yeah. He can go screw.
11. Beno Udrih: A fundamentally sound 1. He knows his limitations and that’s never such a bad thing. But he’s about to become overpaid. He can be overpowered. He’s not a great playmaker or three-point shooter either.
10. James Posey: He’s gonna be overpaid. But he’s a stopper of a swing man. He’s a great athlete. And he can sink threes. As glue guys go? He is the top of the pops.
9. Corey Maggette: As athletes go, he is one of the best in the game. He can also play with power as well as finesse. High-energy and he can get to the line. He just fouls too much. Also, Fenwick guy!
8. Monta Ellis: As it goes? He’s got a great mid-range game. His athleticism is top-notch. He’s still an undersized two, but he’s the best undersized combo guard around.
7. Ben Gordon: Eric Gordon wishes he could grow up to be Ben. He’s a creative scorer. He’s an explosive scorer. And when he’s on? He’s unstoppable. Undersized and poor defender? Sadly yes.
6. Elton Brand: He’s coming off an achilles issues. He’s undersized rebounding machine and he uses his widebody to defend spectacularly. If he recovers? He could be a 20-10 homeboy ace yet again.
5. Emeka Okafor: A defensive stopper. Blocks and rebounds are his bailiwick. He’s a solid defender at the 4. But he’ll never be an offensive force. Also, Dwight Howard mocks him for his first name.
4. Andre Igoudala: He’s kind of a match-up problem on the perimeter defensively. Good handles, good passing skills. And a slasher. He also provides steals and rebounds. Just don’t ask for jumpers, okay? Okay.
3. Baron Davis: It’s a good move. I know? Leaving 17.6 million dollars on the table seems crazy? But let’s be honest. He’s talented by far on offense. Transition. Scoring. Shooting. Baron is spectacular. But now way in hell he plays 82 games. He gets a big contract and falls off the cliff.
2. Gilbert Arenas: Spectacular scoring point guard. His knee may have forced him to lose a step. He’s improved his playmaking. But he’ll be a better crazy guy than a defender. He could fall of the cliff.
1. Josh Smith: He is the most versatile man in the NBA. He fills up every category on the stat sheet. He can play the point (NOT!). He can play power forward and three positions. Only knock? His handles are shaky. (Long term value is why Josh is #1).

Yeah, is not a draft class of superstars. But it’s got upper echelon and upside. It’s like me. Solid and decent. Some say it’s suck.

But I don’t suck. I’m good. You’re good too.

The Newest Member of the Crooked Hat Society…Gone.

An It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Rumor

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 11:58 am

There’s going to be a Musical Episode called “The Nightman Cometh.”

Yay.

ESPN is bringing back the goods.

Now I’ve been one who has said certain bad things about ESPN. And yet? There are things that I love about ESPN. Mainly ESPN Classic. But still…

They have brought back some awesome television. They brought back Cheap Seats. They brought back American Gladiators. But you know what they did that’s spectacular?

They brought back late-80’s AWA Wrestling. Just as the federation was dying out from the WWF taking all their big names, ESPN had a television contract with the AWA. And my friends, 1980’s wrestling is the greatest thing of all time. Why?

I will make the argument in list order.

1. You are looking live from the Showboat Casino in Las Vegas.

Before the city of Las Vegas became all acceptable and family friendly, there would be certain efforts to bring people out to Las Vegas not involving washed up lounge acts or debauchery. These usually involved sports of ill repute such as rollerderby, and in 1986, pro wrestling. This makes the crowd shots awesome.

After all, you get the bad guy wrestler acting all heelish and you cut to a shot of this guy…

White Trash Mark

You have to love it. It’s pure America.

2. Fake Russians

Now there are those who say that pro wrestling was at its peak during the Cold War. All you had to do was give a man an accent, and voila instant feud with American superhero. But you know what the protip is?

Most of your Russians weren’t even Slavs. And in the AWA, they had this team of Russians in Boris Zhukov and Soldat Ustinov. Or Jim Barrell from Roanoke, Virginia and Jim Lanning from Minneapolis.

That’s right. Most of the Sociopolitical aspects of pro wresling have been faked! Awesomely faked!

3. Nepotism

The Owner of the AWA was Verne Gagne. He was a Hall of Fame wrestler. He had a son. His name was Greg, and he was spindly. But he kept getting runs at the title. He didn’t suck, but as charisma goes? This next sentence brings more to the table than Greg Gagne. Hell Greg Gagne the shortstop was better with the Mic.

Greg Gagne 87T

But on several occasions? Greg Gagne was this close to a championship. Wrestling is gold like that. Awesome.

4. And yet? There’s the occasional shot of talent.

There’s a certain before they were stars quality to these shows. You want to see the Heartbreak Kid before he became HBK? How about Vader before he because the special guest star on Boy Meets World? Or how about Scott Steiner before he became the after for every steroid abuse poster? You watch the AWA.

5. Racism! Untranscendant Racism!

Let’s face it, the go-go Politically Correct 90’s have lead to a coarsening of the culture. From these evil, evil, nasty blogs, to the racist shit that Comedy Central puts out? Racism is back in flavor.

So how about we introduce you to the AWA’s own…Col. DeBeers.

That’s stuff Chuck D wouldn’t stand for if he was alive.

6. Fat = Handsome

Dennis Condrey

This is Dennis Condrey. He was a member of the Midnight Express. They had a gimmick of the handsome technical wrestler. Seriously. He was known as “Loverboy” Dennis.

At this point in his career.

That’s just paunchtastic! And it’s as awesome as a dude in a mullet and a mustache wearing a party girl t-shirt! Yeah, buddy!

Look at the facts. There are 6 reasons that AWA 1987 Wrestling is the best of the best. And I could throw out more. (Ninja Star Wars? An ambiguously gay Lenny and Carl in Ricky Rice and Derrick Dukes?) But you know what? I won’t. It’s 3:30 a.m.

I’ve got better things to do. Love you.

ESPN is bringing back the goods.

Now I’ve been one who has said certain bad things about ESPN. And yet? There are things that I love about ESPN. Mainly ESPN Classic. But still…

They have brought back some awesome television. They brought back Cheap Seats. They brought back American Gladiators. But you know what they did that’s spectacular?

They brought back late-80’s AWA Wrestling. Just as the federation was dying out from the WWF taking all their big names, ESPN had a television contract with the AWA. And my friends, 1980’s wrestling is the greatest thing of all time. Why?

I will make the argument in list order.

1. You are looking live from the Showboat Casino in Las Vegas.

Before the city of Las Vegas became all acceptable and family friendly, there would be certain efforts to bring people out to Las Vegas not involving washed up lounge acts or debauchery. These usually involved sports of ill repute such as rollerderby, and in 1986, pro wrestling. This makes the crowd shots awesome.

After all, you get the bad guy wrestler acting all heelish and you cut to a shot of this guy…

White Trash Mark

You have to love it. It’s pure America.

2. Fake Russians

Now there are those who say that pro wrestling was at its peak during the Cold War. All you had to do was give a man an accent, and voila instant feud with American superhero. But you know what the protip is?

Most of your Russians weren’t even Slavs. And in the AWA, they had this team of Russians in Boris Zhukov and Soldat Ustinov. Or Jim Barrell from Roanoke, Virginia and Jim Lanning from Minneapolis.

That’s right. Most of the Sociopolitical aspects of pro wresling have been faked! Awesomely faked!

3. Nepotism

The Owner of the AWA was Verne Gagne. He was a Hall of Fame wrestler. He had a son. His name was Greg, and he was spindly. But he kept getting runs at the title. He didn’t suck, but as charisma goes? This next sentence brings more to the table than Greg Gagne. Hell Greg Gagne the shortstop was better with the Mic.

Greg Gagne 87T

But on several occasions? Greg Gagne was this close to a championship. Wrestling is gold like that. Awesome.

4. And yet? There’s the occasional shot of talent.

There’s a certain before they were stars quality to these shows. You want to see the Heartbreak Kid before he became HBK? How about Vader before he because the special guest star on Boy Meets World? Or how about Scott Steiner before he became the after for every steroid abuse poster? You watch the AWA.

5. Racism! Untranscendant Racism!

Let’s face it, the go-go Politically Correct 90’s have lead to a coarsening of the culture. From these evil, evil, nasty blogs, to the racist shit that Comedy Central puts out? Racism is back in flavor.

So how about we introduce you to the AWA’s own…Col. DeBeers.

That’s stuff Chuck D wouldn’t stand for if he was alive.

6. Fat = Handsome

Dennis Condrey

This is Dennis Condrey. He was a member of the Midnight Express. They had a gimmick of the handsome technical wrestler. Seriously. He was known as “Loverboy” Dennis.

At this point in his career.

That’s just paunchtastic! And it’s as awesome as a dude in a mullet and a mustache wearing a party girl t-shirt! Yeah, buddy!

Look at the facts. There are 6 reasons that AWA 1987 Wrestling is the best of the best. And I could throw out more. (Ninja Star Wars? An ambiguously gay Lenny and Carl in Ricky Rice and Derrick Dukes?) But you know what? I won’t. It’s 3:30 a.m.

I’ve got better things to do. Love you.

June 29, 2008

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Elvi Patterson! @ 9:48 pm


This, to me is the best tattoo ever. Also, if you get the joke; +1 internets.

ELVI!

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Elvi Patterson! @ 9:48 pm


This, to me is the best tattoo ever. Also, if you get the joke; +1 internets.

ELVI!

The Milwaukee Brewers, 81 games in, Grade it out.

Here’s the thing. I’ve said it before on several occasions that I’ve left this team for dead. I’m not proud of it, but the team had hyper expectations, and after Gallardo went down for the year? I expected them to need a shake up to wake up.

Who would have thought it would have been Eric Gagne falling onto the DL? Anyway. Grades at this point…

Catchers
Jason Kendall: B (His offense that was expectedly shit. But his defense? Remarkable good.)
Mike Rivera: B (He’s made a lot of his limited time. Stupid Ned Yost is going to get Kendall’s option vested.)

Infielders
Prince Fielder: B- (Off the pace of last season, but he’s not playing awful. Or awfully. His vegetarianism was just an excuse to eat more candy.)
Rickie Weeks: D (He’s got this weird bit of a skill set. Great eye. Decent power. Marginal defense. And he’s hitting .214. I believe he’s gonna get hot, but…)
J.J. Hardy: C- (J.J. Hardy is wildly inconsistent. He will get hot. But as he is? He’s weaksauced.)
Russell Branyan: A+ (He’s been above and beyond the expectation. He’s gonna fall off. But he’s sparked a revolution in offense while he’s up here.)
Billy Hall: D (Outside of his power, he’s been negative fun in Milwaukee. I respect him, but his game has imploded.)
Craig Counsell: D- (He’s got a decent eye and can play an okay second base. That’s it. His game is done.)

Outfielders
Ryan Braun: A- (He’s turning into a Jewish Vladimir Guerrero. He has no approach at the plate, but he’s rolling out on a good arm and a passable defense.)
Mike Cameron: C (Good defense, power, and speed. No average. The Brewers got an average Mike Cameron year.)
Corey Hart: B+ (He’s the Kentucky Ninja of above average offense who is always awesome at this point in the year. Woot.)
Gabe Kapler: B+ (He’s a Lefty smashing golem for great justice.)
Joe Dillon: D (His versatility is worth a free nip-up of the letter grade. But this is not like last year.)

Starters
Ben Sheets: A (Altogether now? Contract year.)
Jeff Suppan: C (League average innings eater? Yes.)
Manny Parra: B (His run has been awesome. But there are still concerns as to his true divinity. His starts have been inconsistent.)
Seth McClung: C (4 decent starts, 1 okay start, 2 bad starts. He’s around the world.)
Dave Bush: D+ (He’s only had three quality starts for the season. Mediocre to bad the rest of the way.)

Relievers
Salomon Torres: A (His best year statistically is at the age of 36. He is why in Doug we trust. Even if they should just release Gagne.)
David Riske: D- (He’s never been the most consistent, but this is a bad year. I still think Riske may be hurt.)
Guillermo Mota: C+ (When he’s on, he’s been decent. When he’s not? He’s been a gas can of weepy salty tears.)
Brian Shouse: A+ (As a lefty one-out guy goes, he’s been pretty solid versus right handers. He needs his own Tyler Perry produced movie. LOL SHOUSE OF PAYNE!)
Carlos Villanueva: C- (Weak as a starter, and has allowed runs in 5 straight appearances. Down year for Villy.)
Mark DiFelice: B+ (You cannot hate on 16 K’s to 0 walks. But DiFelice has a dinger issue that he’s gonna have to deal with.)
Tim Dillard: D (Random middle reliever, will be more memorable to fans of Florida State’s last national championship run.)
Mitch Stetter: B+ (He’s come out of nowhere to be a very great, if not occasionally wild lefthanded pitcher.)

Injured
Eric Gagne: F+ (At least he had the sense to get hurt and has the sense to stretch out his time on the DL.)

Everybody else, your Tony Gwynn, Hernan Ibarren, Zack Jackson, Julian Tavarez, Derrick Turnbow, Gabe Gross, Yovani Gallardo’s? You get an Incomplete. Okay, Gabe gets a D. He brought in a prospect who seems to be flaming out spectacularly in the Florida State League. And Julian and Derrick get F’s. Short time F’s, but they were Epic Fails. And Gallardo? Tragically gets an A. His three starts were something awesome.

Grades are arbitrary, and based on personal expectations. So nyah.

I’m not going to hate the player…

But the game that Semi-Pro represents? Is bad. Am I surprised? Not really. I had a free rental and I was gonna take a shot at a miracle.

It didn’t come in. Outside of Rob Corddry as the precursor to the modern Tom Brady fan? There was not much comedy. But you want to know the thing that gets me in my sick sad world?

The writer wrote something structually unsound.

I know it seems as if I’m in a thinly veiled satire here, but bear with me.

You see, the big event was a race for 4th place. 4th place got them into the NBA. Not the truth? But still, I was willing to suspend disbelief. It could have been discussed.

HOWEVA, when the Comissioner rolled up in there with his Act II downer moment of saying that the Tropics weren’t big enough for Walter Kennedy? It killed all the momentum. Why? 2 reasons.

1. The stakes were effectively lowered to a Mr. 3000 level of drama, and at least in Mr. 3000 it was a story of man vs. team. Here? It just sidetracks everything.

After all, the contract that we were supposed to be on? It was for madcap adventures to get the team in the league. And then it all rolls downhill to just one more game. And therein lies the other problem.

2. Type in http://www.remembertheaba.com, go ahead, I’ll wait. Look for the playoffs in 1975-1976 What do you find? 4 teams made the playoffs? Really? But that means the screenwriter didn’t do his research?

Man.

I’m not saying that I should have expected that much, but a cursory look could have told him everything. And you know what? A franchise playing to stay alive would have been awesome.

Oh well. This post deserves a B. The Movie deserves a D.

June 27, 2008

Here’s the thing about C.C. Sabathia.

Filed under: BAYSBALL!,Boring Homerism,C.C Sabathia,Trader Drew's Trading Post — by Andrew @ 11:21 pm

Now while I do believe that he’s an interior crocodile alligator who would drive the Brewers Chevorlet Movie Theatre straight into NLCS town and after a potty break, get them into the World Series. But that’s wishful thinking.

I honestly think Buster Olney had a thought exercise last week when he said that the Brewers were the #1 team in the Sabathia sweepstakes. Not saying it to hate? Just that the Brewers are the most perfect match to make a deal.

And you know what? I could live with it. I’ve got a history where Darrin Jackson and Pete Harnisch were the big bold moves in an attempt to put the Crew over the top.

But now? It’s turning into a trickle. First me. Then Buster Olney. Then the Brewerfan faithful took up the Meme. And now?

Dude’s got a leagues source at the juiced sportsblog.

I’m excited!

All that needs to be said about Will Leitch…

Has been said. He’s never done me or my erstwhile tag team partner any injustices, real or otherwise. And we’ve had streaks of the asshole coarsing through our veins.

Anyway. I may talk more about C.C. Sabathia tonight. Apparently the Brewers are still the favorites.

Crazy, but that’s how it goes, amirite?

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