The Grand National Championships

June 30, 2007

Good movies for you and a lady friend.

What I’m trying to say is that not all women enjoy the movies you love.  You have to compromise, you can’t just play Transformers: The Movie (the cartoon one!) and They Live! over and over again, even though it’s Roddy Piper’s greatest preformance.

roddy

I decided to help out the dudes who actually read us and give them a list of good movies that you, and any lady friend you’re dating will enjoy.

Elvi Patterson’s list of movies ladies and dudes totally dig.

1.  The Princess Bride!

wesley!

Seriously! How the hell can anyone hate this movie?  It has everything that a movie needs.  Swordfighting, a battle of wits to the death, torture, a giant (played be Andre the Giant), and of course true love.  Simply put, if you haven’t seen this movie, your life is empty. 

2.  Heathers 

heathers

Dude, it’s Christian Slater and Winona Ryder!  In the prime of their acting careers!  You’ve got a killer hit song,”Teenage suicide (Don’t do it!) and it’s what high school really was like.  What more do you need?  Well besides one of my favorite lines ever,” I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!”  I also use the line,”What’s the vibe that keeps the neighborhood alive!”  If you have a girl over for a nice night-in, you need to rent this movie, and make sure you don’t have corn-nuts out as a snack!

3. Mean Girls

mean girls

Dude, I know what you’re thinking.  Trust me, I thought it myself before I watched it.  I have to say, that this movie didn’t suck even though Lindsay Lohan sounds like a 55 year old grandma who plays nothing but slot machines and smokes 4 packs of Virginia Slim’s on a daily basis.  I actually laughed during the movie and I was impressed because I wanted to hate it but I couldn’t.  Also, for all you dudes out there.  Women love this movie, and I mean LOVE it!  Get yourself a bottle or two of white zinfandel and a 12 pack of Miller High Life for yourself.  Trust me, if you do that and rent this movie when she comes over she’ll be staying the night.

4. The Nightmare Before Christmas!

yay!

If you don’t like this movie, you’re un-patriotic!

5. Amelie

amelie

Up until now I’ve chosen romantic comedies and cartoons that are suitable for men and women.  This is a romantic comedy that has sub-titles!  It’s a french movie and the best thing for a dude to do is to get stoned.  That way you can read and enjoy the fuzzy colors that are all over the place in this movie.  Also you can think about the lead girl in this movie and how she’s like that one girl who’s uber cute and would be great to have in bed.  Then you realize that it’s the same girl who was in “The Da Vinci Code” and looked all mousey.  Women love it because it has subtitles and it’s CUTE!

So dudes, I just gave you a few movies to watch with your special lady friend.  Trust me, they’ll help you get laid. 

Elvi!

p.s.

IF the special lady in your life loves to watch Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness!  You need to marry her immediately!

campbell!

People that creep me out. Phase 1! Peter Braunstein!

This dude royally skeeves me out.  First he dresses up like a firefighter on halloween.  Then he breaks into a girls apartment and proceeds to sexually assualt her.  As if it couldn’t get any worse, he does this for two days!  Afterwards he flees NYC and goes on the lam for weeks. 

Dude totally gives me bad vibes thankfully he was just sentenced for his crimes. The other thing that creeps me out is that he was a fashion writer!

peter

YIKES!!!

ELVI!

So remember when I was effusive on the Yi pick?

Yeah. It’s not going so well.

It’s as if the Chinese handlers are now going to attempt the impossible and hide a seven foot tall Chinese guy in America during these summer months because they don’t want Milwaukee to have him.

Even though Milwaukee was going to go with whom they felt was the best player available, and those whom are handling the E knew that. Even though they were willing to risk the wrath of Charlie Villanueva to do it. And Charlie Villanueva is not a man you want to anger.

But if sticks disassemble from butts, and Yi actually does come to Milwaukee. It may be a good thing.

“The biggest thing I saw when I left there (Qatar) is a young man who will play for us and get playing time,” [Bucks Scout Scott] Howard said. “I personally felt if we were fortunate to draft the kid, he would play major minutes as a rookie. He’s a seasoned player, as young as he is. He does not come in here intimidated; he does not come in here scared. He comes in here ready.”

I just think he’ll come in readier for the Golden Stae Warriors or something lame like that.

Hey look! It’s My Navel! [Personal Ego Boost]

So at the start of June, this site had about 1150 page views. It was a blog that was only in motion for two months, so really you can’t complain. A fledgling blog talking about sports and other stuff? It wasn’t as if it was an empty market.

But here we are. End of June, and after this last reload how many views does this site have? 52,594. Yay! This is the ego boost for the guy who has everything!

So what did we learn this month?

Laywermans are silly, and tacking on tangential photos to quality articles only helps the page views.

Gossip, innuendo, and an occasional penis on the back spice up any dull evening. (Though the relationships never last.)

New Mainstream Celebrity does not suit my compatriot Mister Patterson at all.

To get into the Deadspin, one must be zen (and fear turning into a hacky “personality“. The more you want it, the less you get there.

When in doubt, the use cute fuzzy animals or beer may be enough to get you what you want.

Mister Patterson and I had a great month. And to thank you, we shall provide you with tagnetial photos of attractive people doing stuff.

Stars! They really are just like us!

Yay!

The Bullpen, Small Sample Size, and why the Wisconsin Sports Media is retarded.

So, the Cubs came back in dramatic fashion to win, wasting another fine effort from Gallardo. It’s the second in a row. Shame really. Sheets is going today. I might just heal.

But we are going back to Sunday (a.k.a. Gallardo gets screwed by the Pen the first). Brewers-Royals. A remarkably classic game in many aspects. Save the Brewers bullpen.

But we’re talking about the guy who let in the two and the three on that date. One Derrick Turnbow. For those of you who don’t know the story? A quick refresher.

In 2004, Turnbow was picked up from the Angels. He always had himself a power arm, but he could never really find the plate, and the Angels had grown weary of that noise. Thus, he became expendable. And wowie wow was his 2005 nice.

7-1 1.74 ERA 39 saves 1.084 WHIP 67 1/3 IP 49 H 24 BB 64K 

Sure, the walks were a little shaky, but you wouldn’t kick that season out of bed for eating crackers. At least I wouldn’t.

Then came 2006. He was an all-star! He had 23 saves at the break. Sure, his ERA was at 4.04 at the end of June, but he’d work that down. We had faith in Derrick.

Oh what fools we were. It was not collapse. It was not implosion. Derrick Turnbow became a black hole of suck from which no baseball could escape. It’s not hyperbole either.

Derrick Turbow post July 1st: 0-6 1 SV 6.20 ERA 2.468 WHIP, 20 2/3 IP, 29 H, 30 ER, 22 BB, 24 K. Not to mention 5 Home Runs allowed.

Put it this way, as a Brewers fan, Derrick Turnbow was out of your circle of trust. He was unexplainably awful. And considering the high leverage situations he was in? It was a bad time had by all.

Cut to 2007. And through May 9th, Turnbow was great! Off the chain! It was a beautiful thing.

Then came Philly. 4 runs in two-thirds of an inning. He lost the next night too. He was fine for two weeks. Then three runs in a third of an inning in a loss to the Braves ended May on an awful note for Turnbow.

Just when he found his stride, it went bye-bye again. We understand that pitching the bean is a diffcult endeavor to do consistently well, but the fans stomachs started to turn every time the shaggy one would enter the game. 

May turns to June, and he seemingly finds his stride again. That is, until June 24th. Gallardo shuts down the Royals, Odalis Perez avoids the big hit against the Brewers. The Brewers nurse a 2-1 lead going into the 8th.

In comes Turnbow. He walks Fernando Cortez, a man Baseball Propsectus found irrelevant. David DeJesus singles, and runners are on second and third due to a Billy Hall cock-up. Joey Gaithright grounds out in superhuman fashion, tying the game. And Mark Teahen singles home DeJesus.

And one of the worst teams in baseball has taken the lead with a rally situation. 

Ned Yost brings in Brian Shouse for a lefthander, and the crowd goes boo. I mean, it’s the Royals, and it’s the young buck’s start wasted. Was it his fault? Not completely.

But he’s not in the circle of trust. So his screw-up got booed.

Cut to June 25th. Me, fresh off of my famous Stephen A. Smith blog posting, meandered toward getting the dog out of the kennel. And I heard indig-NATION!

“I was disgusted!”

“Those fans were idiots!”

“I wish I was there so I could complain!”–Joe Buck.

The argument. Turnbow’s last 8 appearances were scoreless. On the surface, fair. He had not allowed a run since June 5th, going in 8 games. But it’s also a fallacious argument.

Why? He pitched 8 innings. He faced 27 betters. Variance is a wonderful thing. Mike Benjamin, as an example, once went 14 for 18 in 3 games. Jose Jimenez pitched 9 consecutive inning of hitless ball in one game.

For a reliever, 8 appearances is just as meaningless. A reliever needs to have a season of sheer quality in order to be regarded as quality, or return to a status once held. Turnbow hasn’t done it yet.

No matter what Drew Olson, Mike Heller, and the rest of the media geniuses may say.

Fransisco Cordero on the other hand? Still in the circle of trust.

Despite yesterday’s screwing of Gallardo the second.

What the IPhone can’t/won’t do.

There are tons of things the IPHONE can do.  It can help you find your way home with the interwebs.   It can get you text messages and phone calls.  But, it has limitations and I will now tell you a few of those.

 1. The Iphone won’t let you travel back in time, so you don’t get hooked on strippers and blow.

2. The Iphone won’t pay your child support.

3. The Iphone won’t tell your dad you’re gay.

4. The Iphone can’t cure herpes.

5. The Iphone won’t put the lotion in the basket

6. The Iphone won’t judge your meth addiction

7. The Iphone won’t watch the Golden Girls

8. The Iphone won’t get you off Megan’s law.

9. The Iphone lets the terrorists win

10. The Iphone can’t hold your hair when you puke.

If you know anything else teh Iphone can’t/won’t do please comment it so I can bask in your knowledge!

ELVI!

June 29, 2007

I Hereby Dub Thee, Joakim Noah “The People’s Princess!”

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT!,NBA Found My Smile — by Andrew @ 4:25 pm

You likely saw this on more popular sites, your Deathspins and Tim McCarver Fansites, but the fact of the matter is that the Stephen A. Hecklers are back, and like any good sequel, they have expanded their heckling reach.

And with this…finally, we can close the book on Stephen A. Smith.

CHEESE DOODLES TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

I am going to give ESPN Partial Credit…

For the second round of the television coverage, for the half of it that I watched. It was B+ work. It may only be 1/16th credit, but, hear me out.

1) Only one Stephen A. Rant. EVERYTHING I SAY MAY BE IMPORTANT, but with only 2 minutes between picks, pontificating and euclidating the best way to say the Knicks won the draft because they traded a guy I hate away just cannot be done.

It just cannot be done. And that is wonderful to ears and to dignity.

2) Usually, in an ESPN covered draft, non-Round 1 would get a passing, meh, for the BIG STORIES OF THE DAY! DISCUSS THEM AD NAUSEAUM! NOW!

Not this year. They actually went back up to the podium so that New Guy Peretz could announce the picks on the television. You actually knew who was picked as it happened. It’s a novel freaking concept if I may say so myself.

Was this the biggest upset of draft night? No.

My little livebloggery had no fanfare. Heck, it didn’t start until the Hawks were on the clock. I didn’t know I was doing it, until I was doing it.

That right there, is upset city.

The Milwaukee Bucks Select Ramon Sessions (G-Nevada)

Upside: Pretty good at the non-shooting parts. With Boykins gone, he is the #2 point guard on the Bucks. He has what the kids call “hoop savvy.”

Downside: HE CANNOT SHOOT! HE IS…

Sorry.

He’s offensively challenged. And he’s not supercharged.

My Belief: Makes the team. Does decently. It was the 56th pick. Are we expecting Manu Ginobili?

June 28, 2007

This is how I detox from the NBA Draft.

I got all the bad punditry I can stomach for the rest of the summer.  EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT!

I need to detox from all that bad hosting and interviewing.  Most of the time I couldnt’ understand Stuart Scott or the dude he was interviewing.   Of course, I was just happy not to hear yelling and Stuart Scott’s googily eye helps me relax. 

Back to the detoxing.  Here’s something that will help you calm down and relax. 

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR TAKES ON PHIL COLLINS!!!


I love this preacher. I would so go to church if he was my preacher! My fave part is that he preaches from a phone book!


James Brown (R.I.P) drunk and or high on drugs is hysterical. Also, is Mr. Brown wearing those glasses you gotta wear when you shoot a gun?

glasses

YAY!!!!

I hope you are all detoxing as well as I am.

ELVI!

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