The Grand National Championships

October 31, 2007

In Which I Preview Every Major Free Agent

Okay, we all know what Free Darko did with a preview of every NBA Player out there doing his NBA thing. This is an homage. This is something less ambitious and probably less deft than what Free Darko did.

But they have a book deal, I’m barely interested in advertising for this site. And I know baseball better than I know hoop. I drafted this Josh Smith character round two in Fantasy Hoops and I still don’t know who he is.

Notes: The Number in Parentisis is Age. The list, with best guesses for option years is cribbed from MLB Trade Rumors. NT=Non Tendered Free Agent

Catchers
Michael Barrett (31) Will be punched upon his return to Chicago.
Ramon Castro (32) Mike Rivera will attempt to kill him in an homage to Single White Female.
Jason Kendall (34) Had his own personal tech bubble go burst in his ankle.  
Paul Lo Duca (36) Will administer misery upon everone he sees after he takes a lesser deal. Will bat .533 in Spring Training.
Jorge Posada (36) Will miss having Tim Gunn as his wingman more than he’ll ever know.
Jose Molina (33) Will go on a hunting trip with Yadier and Bengie. None will return. One week later, a Japanese ghost will be found.
Yorvit Torrealba (30) His strong arm and good game calling will not save him from the Hell of leaving the Rockies.

First basemen
Sean Casey (34) Will find the schtick that was so cute long ago has worn thin.
Tony Clark (36) Reminds everyone that he was once the #2 pick in the Draft.
Darin Erstad (34) Chuck Klosterman will fight to keep him in the league.
Scott Hatteberg (38) Billy Beane does not return his calls.
Ryan Klesko (37) Has not checked the children. And the call is coming from inside the house! OH NOES!
Doug Mientkiewicz (34) Keeps rereading his sections in the Sam Walker book “Fantasyland.”

Second basemen
Luis Castillo (32) He needs to hit .330 to have value.
Marcus Giles (30) Will be a butler to a rich English family in the BBC’S hilarious send up of the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”
Tadahito Iguchi (33) Really misses Shingo Takatsu.
Mark Loretta (37) Has no use for these proceedings.
Kaz Matsui (32) Is still confused as to why the kid from Growing Pains hasn’t saved the world yet.
Jose Valentin (38) The stealthy play for someone who needs a third baseman.

Shortstops
David Eckstein (33) Loves the fact that he is white.
Cesar Izturis (28) Will grab your taint for league minimum.
Alexei Ramirez (26) Is really 47 years old.
Juan Uribe (29) Will punch Michael Barrett upon his return to Chicago.
Omar Vizquel (41) Does not know about his name drop on the Simpsons.

Third basemen
Pedro Feliz (33) The luckiest boy in free agency land.
Mike Lamb (32) Loves the Gyros. Truly, he like-a the juice.
Mike Lowell (34) Will make 20 million dollars more thanks to Scott Boras’ showstealing.
Alex Rodriguez (32) Demands Don Cheadle voiceovers every time he has to talk.

Left fielders
Barry Bonds (43) [Reference to drug use and general unlikability.]
Cliff Floyd (35) As the man said, you can’t go home again.
Luis Gonzalez (40) Back in his day he walked uphill both ways to batting practice, and 15 home runs were tremendous! SPECTACULAR!
Geoff Jenkins (33) If Trot Nixon kind of looked like Brett Favre…
Reggie Sanders (40) America’s Next Top Black Republican.
Shannon Stewart (34) A cautionary tale for Vernon Wells.
Brad Wilkerson (31) Al’s Ramblings choice for a stopgap replacement for your Milwaukee Brewers.

Center fielders
Mike Cameron (35) Even with the PED suspension, the 4th stupidest Center fielder available.
Torii Hunter (32) Will creepily tongue kiss Alex Rodriguez for allwoing him to play close to home in Arlington.
Andruw Jones (31) Will have a huge bounce back year justifying the smaller big contract. Scott Boras will eat bone marrow out of Mark Prior’s arm in frustration.
Kenny Lofton (41) Will sign with a losing playoff team for a one year deal.
Corey Patterson (28) Reads “#1 Prospect 2001, 2002” on his business card.
Aaron Rowand (30) Not worth the money he’s going to get.

Right fielders
Milton Bradley (30) He’ll be coming back next year.
Kosuke Fukudome (31) Has his own tribute band.
Shawn Green (35) Jewish. And yet he is nowhere near excited about Bee Movie as the chosen people are expected to be.
Jose Guillen (32) About to find himself in a hilarious romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore.
Trot Nixon (34) Geoff Jenkins with a southern fried Boston accent.

DHs
Mike Piazza (39) Bravely wore a mustache in the mid-1990’s at the Mustache’s nadir.
Sammy Sosa (39) Will likely be the unintelligible ESPN Baseball Analyst. Sorry Eduardo Perez!
Mike Sweeney (34) The tragic hero of Major League Baseball.

Yeah. You need a break. I shall provide you solace. As well as a pretty girl doing stuff.

maria-kanellis-wwe-raw-7.jpg

Yep. There we go. A sorbet to clear the palate. ON TO PITCHING!

Starting pitchers
Tony Armas (30) In a world where the elite play dice with the universe, only one man fights for you. That man is Tony Armas.
Kris Benson (33) [Reference to the attractiveness of his wife].
Paul Byrd (37) Apparently Jesus loves a lying drug user.
Shawn Chacon (30) Holds the record for most saves with a 7+ ERA in a single season.
Roger Clemens (46) Will feign a hamstring injury to get out of the act of lovemaking.
Matt Clement (33) The ballast of the Boston Red Sox. He’s a rich man’s Jamey Wright.
Bartolo Colon (35) Went to 30 Taco Bells in the greater Los Angeles area on October 30th. He loves his tacos.
Josh Fogg (31) Really loves the music of Mel Torme.
Casey Fossum (30) Has a crippling addiction to Soma.
Freddy Garcia (32) Can’t look himself in the mirror.
Tom Glavine (42) The last of the Red Hot 300 Game Winner Bombshells.
Livan Hernandez (33) Is voting for Stephen Colbert in the primaries.
Jason Jennings (29) Finds Top Ten Lists the Lowest form of communication if your name is not David Letterman.
Byung-Hyun Kim (29) Million dollar arm, seven cent head.
Brian Lawrence (32) He’s the Dollar Tree Jon Leiber.
Jon Lieber (38) He is Bob Tewksbury for a new generation!
Kyle Lohse (29) Calls Jeff Suppan for advice on being a mediocre pitcher demanding 8 figures per year.
Rodrigo Lopez (32) He is the inspiration for the man known throught Mexcio as El Dandy.
Eric Milton (32) They say it’s a hopeless fight, but he says he has to try.
Tomo Ohka (32) Has not seen one episode of Cautionary Tales of Swords.
Russ Ortiz (34) Will have to pay a team two million dollars for a spot on the 40-man roster.
Odalis Perez (31) The greatest non-roster invitee you will ever see.
Kenny Rogers (43) Will punch you if you offer him chicken. Or film him. Or if you’re at arms length. He’s really an ass.
Curt Schilling (41) The fans of his 13th free agent choice are overjoyed to even be mentioned. Seriously. They have no dignity.
Carlos Silva (29) He will flee to South Africa after a slow start. 
Julian Tavarez (35) Will fight a baby and lose.
John Thomson (34) The Division Three Linfield Tigers basketball team has a standing offer for him to coach.
Brett Tomko (35) Once traded between two fantasy baseball players 12 times.
Steve Trachsel (37) Ugly. Mean. Slow. If he couldn’t pitch, he’d be working at Burger King.
Jeff Weaver (31) Will retire to become the next Christopher Cross.
David Wells (45) Will retire to the Independent Nation of Buckfalls Ranch.
Kip Wells (31) Is gifted with the greatest gift of all. Delusion.
Randy Wolf (31) The greatest professional player in MTV Rock and Jock history.
Jamey Wright (34) Pitches like a man who has sex with Misty Mundae on the side.
Jaret Wright (32) His elbow fell off. Forget about him.
Mike Maroth (NT) He’s lefthanded. Apparently that’s valuable.
Mark Prior (NT) Busy providing Scott Boras what he needs to survive.

Closers
Armando Benitez (35) Is a lot scarier before you get to know him.
Francisco Cordero (33) He will disappoint at 4 years and 44 million.
Eric Gagne (32) Wishes for a smaller market so he can smoke his hookah in piece.
Todd Jones (40) For someone who hates the gays, he has the mustache of someone whom knows the restroom code. LARRY CRAIG!
Mariano Rivera (38) Will sign with the Colorado Rockies in an upset.
Bob Wickman (39) Enjoys butter fried butter.

Middle relievers
Jeremy Affeldt (29) Remarkable, he has not felt a boob. The Dugout lies here.
Antonio Alfonseca (36) Curses the lack of convenient taco bells in the greater Philadelphia area.
LaTroy Hawkins (35) He is a random mediocre middle reliever. Also, he’s a shapeshifter.
Jorge Julio (29) The Dominican Byung Hyun-Kim
Joe Kennedy (29) An underrated lefthanded swingman option.
Scott Linebrink (31) Dominant in 2005 and 2006. The “LOST” of baseball players.
Troy Percival (39) Goes after all nerds with a violent fury.
David Riske (31) Owes Jaime Walker for his pioneering middle relief work.
Mike Timlin (42) Regrets not being around for the majestry of RBI Baseball.
Luis Vizcaino (31) Won a radar gunoff versus Kyle Farnsworth.
Kerry Wood (31) Will still look like the drummer from the Offspring.
Eddie Guardado (NT) Once upon a time, this man was what was right with the world. Now, he is merely filler.

See, there you go. Now you know that if you sign Luis Vizcaino, he has a power arm. Or Marcus Giles will be the next Ricky Gervais. I have done a service here.

You’re welcome.

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Team Awesome! Does in fact ROCK HARD!

Andrew and I are huge fans of Team Awesome!  Ever since their Punch Out Trailer. 

Today, on halloween, they bring forth their latest creation of AWESOME!

 CONTRA!!

Contra is one of my favorite games ever!  Soon, we’ll have up the interview I did with Team Awesome!  Plus! We will include for you at no extra charge…The dvd commentary to the Contra Trailer!

Keep it awesome!

ELVI!

Apparently, I’m getting most of my Posting Ideas from the Extrapolater

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 2:30 pm
Tags: ,

Because as they do a post saluting Hall and Oates I feel as if I can bring forth a great piece of Internet history. I feel I can bring forth the great songwriting battle. I feel I can bring forth a Doug Benson cameo as Peter Cetera.

It’s something to spin all day long, and all night strong.

It’s Yacht Rock: Episode 2 THE DIRECTORS CUT

Indeed. Simply beautfiful.

The Alliance Defense Fund is a Scam.

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 7:50 am

More to come later. The kid is sleepy.

October 30, 2007

The Extrapolater: In Line for a Shout Out!

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 10:10 pm
Tags:

Hey!

So when you’re upset with life and the way your social activities are going. You look for something to shake you out of your Doldrums. The Extrapolater has achieved that goal.

This video is the greatest video ever. Trip Fisk wishes he was fly like this.

Huzzah! Huzzah we say!

We must stop the rock for a short time. In memory of THE GOULET!

As Andrew stated, Robert Goulet has passed on. I am a super sad panda because of this. There are two reasons why I’m sad. One, Goulet was hilarious and knew how to take a joke. Two, the man could really sing! I will give you two videos showcasing the greatness that is Goulet!

First, Goulet THE ACTOR!


Greatness!!!!

Finally, Goulet singing a song that rings so true with his passing. “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler On The Roof.(Yes, I know showtunes and I’m still straight!)

Godspeed! You Magnificent Bastard!

ELVI!

Robert Goulet passed on.

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 8:28 pm

We’ll miss him.

Enjoy the TV Pilot!

Anybody want to run my Fantasy Football Team?

Seriously. I’m tired of the game. Anybody think they can doctor my team?

Really. It has talent, it’s just that I have no ability to manage a fantasy football team. And I don’t want to play like I do.

I cannot embrace the random variance of having Joey Fucking Galloway score all his touchdowns when I bench him and go 4 catches for 51 yards when I play him. I want to wash my hands of this.

You know my contact information. You can comment below.

I am done with this business. I want to like football again.

What You Need To Know?

Three things happened. One event has two things. It was a slow news day, yes? Let’s get to it.

Green Bay 19, Denver 13

  • Green Bay was sure sporting some quick strike capabilities. Yay!

Edgar Renteria to Detroit for Prospects.

  • Atlanta gets young talent. Detroit gets talent. Helps both teams.

Joe Torre to LA?

  1. Grady Little is a cockblock to the stage of awesomeness.
  2. This could mean the Dodgers are after ARod.

Yeah. That’s it. Basketball starts today. I could lazily put up projections. But who is this Rajon Rondo person that Kevin Garnett is so hyped up at?

Jason Elam is a writer…

This is an actual excerpt from his book MONDAY NIGHT JIHAD

From Monday Night Jihad, by Jason Elam and Steve Yohn, to be released in January by Tyndale Publishing ($19.99 hardcover). Information: tyndale.com:

Bagram Valley

Helmand Province, Afghanistan

His count was off. Second Lieutenant Riley Covington of the United States Air Force Special Operations Command was on watch at a perimeter security post. He had been lying at the top of a low rise, watching his sector, for four hours, and each time he had counted the boulders on the hill across the small valley, he had come up with 36. This time, however, the count reached 38.

“You seeing anything, Taps?” Riley whispered into his com. At the other security post, located on the opposite side of the harbor site, Airman First Class Armando Tapia was stretched out behind a small, hastily constructed rock wall.

“Everything’s good to go,” came the reply.

WHOOMPF! The unmistakable sound of a mortar tube echoed through the valley below.

“Incoming!” Riley yelled as he opened fire with his M4 carbine at “boulders” thirty-seven and thirty-eight, causing one to stumble back down the hill and the other to remain permanently where it was.

A flare lit up the night sky as heavy machine-gun fire, rocket-propelled grenades, and small arms rounds targeted Riley’s ODA. Riley looked to his left and saw an anticoalition militia approaching from the north, right over Tapia’s position. Riley, seeing the size of the enemy force, let off a few more three-shot bursts, then bolted back down to the harbor site.

Off to his left, about fifteen meters away, an MK19 automatic grenade launcher was mounted on its low tripod. Riley rocketed out from safety and across the dirt. He stumbled forward, launched himself behind the Mark 19, and let loose.

It took him just under a minute and a half to empty the ammunition can of sixty grenades. The sound was deafening, and the explosions from the shells hitting the enemy positions lit up the night. But RPGs and mortar rounds kept dropping into the camp.

Riley half ran, half staggered over to what remained of his ODA. The rest of his team huddled around him and he took a quick head count. Not good. They would be outnumbered if a second wave came.

Riley drew his team close. “Okay, men, we have two options. We dig in here and try to hold off another attack, or we surprise them while they’re regrouping.”

“Tell ya what, Pach,” said Kim “Tommy” Li, a man with an itchy trigger finger and way too many tattoos, “if there’s gonna be target practice going on here, I’d rather be the shooter than the bull’s-eye.”

“Okay, then, here’s how it’s going to work. Murphy and Li, I want you to belly out to those boulders twenty meters north to meet their feint. Logan, you and Ross remount the Mark on the Humvee and circle it around east; then everyone open up with everything and blow the snot out of these desert rats. Got it?”

An excited mixture of “Yes, sir” and “Yeah, boy” was heard from the men.

“We’ve got five of our guys down, with at least one probably out – that’s unacceptable. Let’s make ’em pay.” Riley locked eyes with each member of his team and tried to draw from them the same courage he was attempting to instill. “Ready . . . go, go, go!!”

Nothing more needs to be said.

I smell a Pulitzer Prize for AWESOME!


THE REF AGREES!

You can read another analysis here. Or you already did and are cursing me for being 3 days late.

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