The Grand National Championships

November 30, 2007

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Elvi Patterson! @ 10:32 pm

I have nothing.

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 5:22 pm

My posts below are awesome.

Read them.


So we all had our little moment of outrage over Lori Drew driving her neighbor’s daughter to kill herself, right? I mean really. It’s been less then a week, a story like that can’t have any resonance in this 24 hour news cycle, add an s to any singular noun without a plural counterpart, video blogging is the wave of the future world. It’s time to laugh again! 

And aren’t we glad that some enterprising asshole decided that they were going to step in and fill that void? Aren’t we glad that we can still laugh like the unremorseful Mrs. Drew? It’s time for America to heal.

Here’s the goddamn problem. We’ve become a nation of “Too Soon?” Seriously. Some child who is having a rough go of it in the real world gets a sick joke played on them by someone who clearly does not have the mental faculty to know that people actually take what’s on the internet as fact. And this asshole calling themselves Kristin makes a troll blog.

I know, part of the problem by linking the thing but still. This is OMG LOL A 13-YEAR OLD KILLED HERSELF, I’M A GONNA CALL HER A BITCH! WATCH! LOOKIT ME I’M JERRY THE KING LOLLER!  

Yeah. Whee. You’re a regular Bill Hicks, aren’t ya? Trolling the internet like a 27 year old Webcam girl for attention and fame.

Yes. You win at the internets. You win because you got me to link to your site like an idiot. You got me because I would be willing to bet that an Evangelical Christian Sized plurality of the internets wish they thought of this first.

(Just because you might not doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Lot of people in this interburg.)

Man, and all I wanted to be pissed off about today was the Brewers potentially giving David Riske four years and 19 million dollars. But you people that think asshole equals funny just had to go and get me riled up.

Dear Tommy Tuberville.

Dude. No. Step away from Frank Broyles. You do not want to be doing this. Arkansas is a bad place for you.

How do I know? I just do. You have to trust me about this. Arkansas is a whole other breed of sports fan. They will eat you alive. If you make one of their own unhappy?

They will destroy you.

But I’m one of their own? You’re thinking to yourself. No. Not if you do this. You do this and you are the latest victim in an effort to get back to the days when Darrell Royal was the only thing that stood between the Razorbacks and the National Championship.

I know they don’t respect you at Auburn. I know they think they can get a Bobby Petrino to be their golden god and it will all be better. I mean, they deserve to win every game ever, right? Yeah, you’re looking for a good opportunity to stick it in the pee hole of the Auburn board of trustees.

Arkansas is not the answer. It will lead you away from the SEC West that you know and love. You know that patience is a virtue. You know that a certain coach of a certain powerhouse team will have an opportunity to go home, so to speak, and get to play God at an easier level.

And if you’re all “But LSU would never hire me. I took out Glenn Dorsey.” I have two things to say.

1) All will be forgiven if the price is right.

2) Dream jobs are for suckers.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

Your pal,


November 29, 2007

The Packers can take a moral victory.

One bad call and one bad bounce and it would have been a wholly different game. Sure, the Romofense was as excellent as advertised, and without the threat of Woodson or KGB this defense got picked apart. And yes, Favre got hurt, and that whole Aaron Rodgers thing was a pleasant surprise.

But if Al Harris was able to get the ball when the score was three nothing? If the ball doesn’t cascade into Jon Kuhn on the ballsy onside kick call down 13-10? I am not going to say it would have meant 41-37? But we would have been talking about a classic to end all classics.

But I’m not complaining. Aaron Rodgers showed up even when Brett Favre was looking like bad Brett. Ryan Grant killed fantasy owners who still feared the Packers lack thereof of a run game. The luck was not great.

But the Dallas Cowboys deserved the win. They were better tonight. Flatout. Pure and simple.

Guess who’s a big bowl of drunk?

Tony LaRussa enjoys TEH WINE!

You know who else enjoys TEH WINE?


Enjoy sloppy drunks!


Just for viewing this you get…


Britney Spears may be with child again.

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Elvi Patterson! @ 2:21 pm

That UPS delivery guy has something else to worry about now, besides the itchy balls.

White trash is always funny.


You want a deal that makes way too much sense?

Filed under: Analysisesims!,BAYSBALL!,Trader Drew's Trading Post — by Andrew @ 1:10 pm

Milwaukee Gets: RP Rafael Soriano, 2B Kelly Johnson, LF Jeff Francoeur, RP Joey Devine

Atlanta Gets: SP Ben Sheets, CF Billy Hall, 3B Mat Gamel

The Brewers would get a closer in Soriano, an upgrade in Left Field in Francoeur, a solid 2B in Kelly Johnson to move Weeks to CF, and a solid power arm in Joey Devine (but we would take a prospect in the 11-15 range, I know Devine is #9-#10).

The Braves would get an ace in Ben Sheets (Sheets, Smoltz, Hudson, and Chuck James as a top 4?) Not to mention a pretty decent CF in Bill Hall, and Mat Gamel is 0.9 Ryan Braun.

Of course, you can nitpick if you must. Ah well.

I am going to make another projection.

Filed under: *Sanjaya Wipe*,Analysisesims!,I'm Not Ready For The Football! — by Andrew @ 12:01 pm

Tonight is the biggest game in the NFL Network’s short history. My home team takes on the Hated Dallas Cowboys. It’s going to be Super Bowl XLI 15/16th. It will be fun.

And if you’re a betting man? Take the over. Both teams will be able to throw on each other. Dallas 35, Green Bay 34.

I am going to first guess. I am going to first guess nine times.

Well, not really nine times. But I do have this gut feeling about the Matt Garza for Delmon Young trade. And yes, I am an avid reader of The Dugout. But no, it isn’t going to be that Delmon Young will choke out Joe Nathan for eating his cheez-its.

It is that the Twins will end up winning this trade.

Granted, having a front three of Shields, Kazmir, and Garza will put them in position to be in third place. And sure, Jason Bartlett will play a solid shortstop. So if Evan Longoria can be a good rookie at third? They may even threaten the Wild Card for a while.


The problem is, Brendan Harris brings just a little more to the table than Jason Bartlett (wheels aren’t everything). And Jason Pridie is a lot more major league ready than Eduardo Morlan (Morlan’s big test of major league readiness comes in ’08.) Even if Morlan’s upside is rather massive, the road to the bigs is paved on the backs of guys who kicked ass in the Florida State League. 


But Delmon Young. I will say this, he has a chance to be a .300/30/100/30 guy for a long time to come. He’s going to hit fifth, and he may even be the replacement for Torii Hunter. At present, (And if you’ve been paying attention to the Twins you know there’s a Johan Santana in the room) the Twins look like they’re in position to at the very least leap frog the Tigers into second.

Only question? Does Johan get two young starters, or just one.

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