The Grand National Championships

December 31, 2007

The Ten Things I Want in 2008.

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 5:15 pm

Yeah. A lame top 10 list. But we all have things we have to get to, yeah? So let’s get to it.

10. Curtis Granderson to get 100 Extra Base Hits.

  • Because that would be a superstar thing. demand superstar Grandy.

9. The Brewers to win the NL Central.

  • Odds are it won’t happen, but still, I want it.

8. The Packers get to the Super Bowl.

  • Don’t have to win, but I want Favre to take a shot at goliath.

7. David Stern not to fuck up this playoffs.

  • Like every other playoffs this decade.

6. I want you to come back and read me on January 1st.

  • Be safe. And I did the corny thing at #6! Twist!

5. I also want to see Boston sports fail.

  • Really. Not just Boston College.

4. I want you to be braver and bolder than I.

  • Not to say I don’t want to be brave and/or bold. It’s just–screw it. You probably already are.

3. MIMINAL TOP 10 LISTS

  • They are for Holidays and desperation.

2. That Andrew WK gets recognized for the Musical genius that he was in 2002.

  • Self-explanatory. Really.

1. I want to acheive a dream.

  • Not every dream. But I’ve got a shot at like 6. I just want to bat .143.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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I watched sports yesterday.

Here are things that I have learned.

1) UNC is good at Men’s basketball.

  • Early in the second half, Valpariso, who look like a game competitor in the Horizon league, closed the gap at 37 with the Tar Heels after trailing 19-2 at one point. The Heels then went on a 27-2 run. They won 90-58. And it wasn’t even that close.

2) Jim Sorgi both sucks and blows.

  • This one does hurt me as a Badgers homer, but less than three yards per attempt? Spergeon Wynn laughs at your shenanigans.

3) Week 17 is built for DirectTV

  • We got the Packers destroying the Lions, the Redskins destroying the Bears, the Texans destroying the Jaguars, and 53 minutes of boring with the Steelers and Ravens. I wish for options. I will get none, sadly.

4) Meaningless Bowl Season has been kind of fun.

  • Outside of the Liberty Bowl. And the Muffler Bowl. And the New Mexico Bowl. These college football games were really quite watchable.

 5) Also, Tennessee St. 60, Illinois 58. At Assembly Hall?

  • Tennessee State is now 4-7. This would be a problem if Juice Williams wasn’t in the Rose Bowl! Whoo! Picture of Ron Zook you say? DONE!

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BEING INTERVIEWED BY A HOUSEWIFE IS AT ONCE EASY AND FUN!

Sports! YAY!

Travis Fryman: Hall of Famer.

By Andrew, The Grand National Championships.

The 1990’s were a time filled with cheating. Everybody was on Human Growth Hormone and Steroids and animal drugs. It was a halcyon time for baseball. Everybody loved the home runs, and nobody wanted to know the dirty secret.

After all, there were homers being hit. And don’t ladies dig the longball? I believe they do.

But alas, the secrets always emerge. And the great players of the era get left by the wayside. Players like Travis Fryman. Yes, Travis Fryman.

Travis Fryman deserves a shot at the Hall of Fame. Sure, I’ll give you a chance to stop laughing. Ready? Let’s do this.

Travis Fryman is the best third baseman of the 1990’s

Now I know you seem aghast by this comment, Matt Williams is not the best? Ken Caminiti? Hell, even Dean Palmer seems like he would be a better candidate. But get this, kid? They all cheated. Each and every last one of them.

Travis Fryman? Crisp and clean with no caffeine! Do you know how hard that is? You’re a hero to sports bars and children, and everyone else around you is cheating to be awesome and cool? I mean, who wouldn’t want to be Bobby Estaella or Adam Piatt? I know that a day as Adam Riggs or Jim Parque would be better than than twenty as me or my associate Mister Patterson.

But Travis Fryman is a brave man. He never cheated. He also played shortstop. And put it this way…

Travis Fryman was the best AL Shortstop of the 1990’s

You think Cal Ripken was the best? You are full of bunk. You think Jose Valentin rocked the party that rocked the party? The authorities have been alerted to the fact that you are a danger to yourself and others. Miguel Tejada? He’s a contender. Sure.

But wait! Miguel Tejada is a cheaterpants also. He cheated like Jose Canseco dared him to try the HGH, and he was all, well I will! And then he was all, this is awesome!  


I MAN MERELY SEVEN MINUTES AWAY FROM BECOMING MORBO! AND I WILL DESTROY YOU PATHETIC HUMANS FOR ALL ETERNITY!

What did Travis Fryman have? He had Cecil Fielder eating his lunch for his first five seasons. That kept Fryman mean, but it also kept him lean. He was not able to have that protein to get his power above the 25 home run level.

But that’s not all the reasons why Travis Fryman is awesome and deserves a berth in the Hall of Fame. There is one more. It may sound pathetic. It may sound didatic.

But the fact is, it’s true. The truth shall set you free. And this truth shall put Travis Fryman into the Hall of Fame.

Travis Fryman played baseball with black, hispanic, and Asian peoples.

Put Travis Fryman on the 1920’s Tigers. Have him and Charlie Gerhinger be the great grandparents of Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker. Have him beat the shit out of Ty Cobb for making fun of his Jewish heritage. After which he would destroy the Cardinals in the World Series. He would punch out Ducky Medwick like he was Glass Joe. Also, he would engage in Paul and Dizzy Dean ownership. That would make him a Hall of Famer, easily.

In closing, when you see Travis Fryman on your Hall of Fame Ballot, vote YES! YES I SAY!

———————————————————

This post was inspired by B at The Dugout. Blame him if it does not satisfy. 499. 500.

December 30, 2007

I hate you people.

Sure, I could go and ape a Bill Hickisan rant about how you all are nothing more than a mere virus with shoes. But I am a simpler man. My hate can be distilled into a simpler, issue oriented logic.

So know you’re asking, if I have made you into a reasonably successful blog of some renown, why are you drinking the haterade on us? It’s simple, really.

Remember this summer? Remember when a young upstart blog first came up with the concept of putting 32 annoying ESPN personalities together in tournament form? remember when Stephen A. won the thing? (That one you probably don’t). Well, we parodized the concept from this idiotic thing called Who’s Now?

“Hey! Let’s discuss the intangible qualities of Shaun White vs. Steve Nash! Brilliant!”

See, it was not brilliant. It was bad television. Bad bad television. And now ESPN has their excuse to bring it back next year.

It was the top search on ESPN. Seriously.

Look, I know it probably wasn’t many of you that did it. I know that if you did go, you did it for educational purposes only. (I was tempted once or twice to find out who won, but I was strong!) But now it’s going to come back next summer.

And I’m going to be fooled into doing Who’s Hack 2? I’m even likely going to do an electric boogaloo reference. And this will be bad for all involved. 

Because we will recycle more jokes than Bill Simmons! Oh!

Such wit! I am a regular Dennis Miller. BABE!

December 29, 2007

PATS GO 16-0!

Filed under: Analysisesims!,I'm Not Ready For The Football! — by Andrew @ 10:40 pm

Ennui ensues!

Meh.

Giants 28, Pats 16

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 9:13 pm

Has Bryant Gumbel confused Brady Quinn with Tom Brady yet?

Also: I’m watching SNL! YAY HORATIO SANZ!

Update: Britney Spears? A drug addict? COME ON!

The Utah Jazz acquired Kyle Korver

in a trade for disgruntled guard Gordon Giricek and a #1 Pick. For the team it is a good move, but for Jazz owner Larry Miller? It just may be a great one.


HELLO MORMON LADIES!!!

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why. But it seems as if the Salt Lake City faithful will be sporting Korver jerseys as fast as he starts hitting threes.

Michael Flowers is a stud.

Also: Rick Barnes will make you hurt come March.

It may have only been for five seconds, but when you’re playing the #9 team in the country at their place. A team that beat UCLA and destroyed Tennessee. And you come up big in the last five seconds? It carries a massive amount of weight. It makes weeks, months, and going by the Badgers schedule it could make their season. (Trust me, a road game at Purdue is their toughest test until Indiana at the end of the month. They could get on a big roll.)

Sorry if it seems hyperbolic, but losing your emerging star the day before the game does have its considerations on the effects of the game. It was looking like another Duke debacle. But as I was watching this game, I realized something.

Rick Barnes can’t coach in pressure situations.

I really believe this. He could have had last years Ohio State Buckeyes and Durant, and he would have failed to lead them to the Final Four, let alone a shot at the Championship. Hell, they may have even been a four seed.

And when they lose to Georgia Southern in the first round of the tournament, I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

Because like Michael Flowers, I too will have come up big in just five seconds.


DOING THE BULL DANCE, FEELING THE FLOW!

Dear Team Awesome Rocks?

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 12:32 am
Tags:

You edited the Punch-Out Trailer? But it was awesome before! What happened?

Seriously. It’s not to say that this is less than awesome, but I fear change. And the edits scared me a little.

Andrew Rosin’s Psychic Hotline.

Now I am sure that you all know that I was able to confiscate an old school fortune teller. Remember fifth grade? Yeah, we’re going down that road.


BRING IT ON!!!

You got the questions? The Mister Andrew has the answers!

Q: Will The Patriots go 19-0?
A:
A Red 4, 1, 2 leads to the simple, sweet declaration that your New England Patriots will be 19-0. Mercury Morris will then commit suicide.

Q: Was the punishment for the Nick Barnett crime proper?
A:
No. Really. My paper is clearly insane.

Q: Will Jeff Fisher restore the roar of the mullet?
A: YES! Bet on it! It will be back like the girl you like circling maybe when you ask if they like you back.


HOT!

Q: Does Darren McFadden have any shot of returning to Arkansas?
A:
In the same way as you can hit a Royal Flush in a game of five card draw, yes, Darren McFadden may return to the Razorbacks.

Q: Are the Packers your NFC representative?
A: No. No? Goddamnit! I’m not playing this game anymore!

This fortune teller cheats…

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