The Grand National Championships

September 30, 2007

My Satellite Connection is not the balls…

And you know what else isn’t the balls? Ike Hilliard getting 7 grabs for 115. I mean come on Garcia? WHAT THE FUCK MAN!



Q: What happens when the Phillies make up 7 losses in 17 days?
A: The third seal has opened.

Nah. But Philly’s got a reason to be happy outside of it always being Sunny. NL East Champs? Yeah. They actually are.

Also, to a lesser extent. The Padres have let your Colorado Rockies back in the thing. Dead Milwaukee Brewers must have taken a bite out of Jake Peavy and he infected the rest of the team. The Rockies get can a playoff game if they only score.

P.S. Denver, you’re welcome.

Seriously. The NFL doesn’t make any sense.

Really. I’m not saying it because the Packers are 4-0. That makes perfect sense to me. They we’re going to shock the world. I expected it. I expected gold, baby!

But what the hell is up with Dallas? They hire a retread reject coach, because the legend didn’t want to play with the braggadocious loudmouth anymore. They have a quarterback whom the league adjusted to fiercely. They have a receiving corp that’s Methesulan in age.

Clearly, they were going to be the best team in the NFC.

Detroit? Everybody’s all, back to Earth with you. Donovan McNabb exposed them for the comedy gold that they were. Except for the fact they’re 3-1. They beat the Chi.

Also, Oakland’s .500? Really? What’s that all about. They’re not .500.

I’m lying to you. Cleveland’s not .500 either. That’s just crazy talk.

I’m going to lie down!


September 29, 2007

An open letter to Gator Nation…

This loss is bad. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. If two teams run the table, the odds might be long. But here’s the deal.

This too shall pass. The Tebow will recover. The Tebow is too talented not too. But, you do know that Tim is immature. Tim has a big game next week.

And if the alligators eat up LSU? All is forgiven. You’re right back in the discussion. It’s the signature win that the Big East or Big 12 losers do not get. But that’s next week.

You want to be upset tonight? Go ahead. Just channel the thing properly. Drunk dial a sports talk show. Play Halo 3 until your thumbs bleed. Attempt to steal Auburn’s War Eagle.

But come Monday, you’ve got LSU. You can be all up in the race again. You can be in front of South Florida, Kentucky, and Boston College even. You’re cock of the walk in Gainesville.

Losing to Auburn changes nothing.

The Tebow you remember will come back soon enough.

Feel Better,

The Grand National Championships

I Find Your Indifference Toward These Upsets Disturbing.

I mean really. The Trojans are struggling versus Washington. Auburn’s all, hey wait, we’re Auburn what the fuck? Let’s win this for War Eagle! So, there could be 6 top ten and 8 top 15 teams that go out like bitch ass punks.

See. You people are being indifferent. I am disturbed.

Put it this way. Say the whole thing goes down like expected. The leaders win, the trailers lose, look at these polls.

1.  USC
2. LSU (Tulane gave them 45 minutes of a game.) 
3. Cal (Now we have the challengers.)
4. Ohio State (Gee. Minnesota. And ya won?)
5. Wisconsin (They just win. Still without a signature.)
6. South Florida (Auburn beating Florida regains more legitimacy for USF)
7. Florida (At least Auburn was expected to give a bit of a challenge. OU has no such excuse.)
8. Boston College (Not great letting 1-AA UMass back in the game. But still.) 
9. Kentucky (They didn’t do anything wrong. They get their rewards.)
10. West Virginia (Pat White needs to come back quick for them to stay here.)
11. Oklahoma (No excuse. None.)
12. Georgia
13. Texas
14. Virginia Tech
15. Rutgers

Dear Mr. Elvi,

I’m sorry. I’m still young. These things were bound to happen. We have a big game next week and as much as I hate to admit it. I got my eyes on Texas. I mean, it’s the Red River shootout, kid.

It’s…look, don’t be mad. I’ll be better. I promise. You want a hug? Bro’s can hug.

No it’s not gay! Brother’s can hug. Hug me. HUG ME!



Sam Bradford.

Get A Poke On (Early College Football)

The Good Teams are scuffling, pure and simple.

LSU was only up 10-9 at halftime to Tulane. Oklahoma is tied with Colorado at 7. Yes, if you want to call them trap games, nobody will hold it against you. (Oklahoma just scored. 14-7).

If you’re a ranked team, and you have questions of your divinity. I have to say, trailing Illinois (by 4 at the end of the third if you’re Penn State), or Glass Joe (by 3 if you’re Nebraska) does not help rectify your situation.

Bullet points time!

  • Miami 17, Duke 14 (Dennis Franchione’s getting his ass fired at the end of the year, not just because of the e-mail newsletter scandal.)
  • Northwestern 16, Michigan 14 (Lloyd Carr loses this game and he won’t make it back to Ann Arbor. That is, if the Michigan AD has any balls.)
  • Norte Dame will go 2-10. 0-8 going into November. But November is charmin for ND.   

September 28, 2007

I am not a soldier.

I thank God for that fact. I thank God for the fact that there are men and women much braver than me willing to lay down the ultimate sacrifice for America, not matter the logic or popularity of the action. It allows me to play Guitar Hero and be snarky. For that I thank them.

For that, I feel that no matter their political views, be they Liberal or Evangelical Republican. They deserve our respect. They are warriors. They are heroes.

This is what they deserve. This is why my head hurts that those whom rail against Democrats supporting the troops feel that they can get away with the same thing, especially when they begged off the draft. This is unconscionable speech.

  • During the September 26 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio show, Rush Limbaugh called service members who advocate U.S. withdrawal from Iraq “phony soldiers.” He made the comment while discussing with a caller a conversation he had with a previous caller, “Mike from Chicago,” who said he “used to be military,” and “believe[s] that we should pull out of Iraq.” Limbaugh told the second caller, whom he identified as “Mike, this one from Olympia, Washington,” that “[t]here’s a lot” that people who favor U.S. withdrawal “don’t understand” and that when asked why the United States should pull out, their only answer is, ” ‘Well, we just gotta bring the troops home.’ … ‘Save the — keeps the troops safe’ or whatever,” adding, “[I]t’s not possible, intellectually, to follow these people.” “Mike” from Olympia replied, “No, it’s not, and what’s really funny is, they never talk to real soldiers. They like to pull these soldiers that come up out of the blue and talk to the media.” Limbaugh interjected, “The phony soldiers.” The caller, who had earlier said, “I am a serving American military, in the Army,” agreed, replying, “The phony soldiers.”

Rush Limbaugh gets to say this without fear or favor. Rush Limbaugh, whom begged off of Vietnam gets to call somebody getting shot at in Iraq a phony. This asshole is on the Armed Forces network. This asshole is making 50 million dollars a year denigrating our brave fighting forces.

This Pretend Patriot deserves to be fired. He needs to go home because he is talking of something he has no authority to talk about. The moment he gets shot at trying to be Captain America overseas? Then perhaps he can be the recalcitrant assface.

Until then? He deserves our condemnation and scorn.

I am not trying to rain on anybody’s parade here.

But remember back in April? Remember how nobody seemed to like Justin Harrell or anything he stood for. In fact, somebody decided they were going for a drive. But we’ve been patient. A 3-0 start has sated us in Packers Nation.

But as for the divinity of Justin Harrell? No. Not so much. He’s been inactive for every game. In fairness, this may not be his fault.

Apparently, the defensive line was strong enough without making this draft choice. I know, I’m just as shocked as you. Oh. No I wasn’t. In fairness, everybody did think Robert Meacham would be the choice, and he’s just as inactive as Harrell.

But I’m all DWAYNE BOWE! Sure, it would have meant no James Jones. But I know things about things people. And Dwayne Bowe is making things a notch above shitty in KC. But the Packers are 3-0. And if I was a GM, I’d try to prove myself smarter than everybody else.


September 27, 2007

Apparently, Michael Vick might not be nearly as retarded as we thought.

Seriously. We are still talking about the drug conviction here. But Michael Vick may have gumped his way into something brilliant. Still confused?

Let’s let 100% Injury Rate explain…

  • By taking advantage of an obscure Federal Bureau of Prisons (B.O.P.) Rotational/Developmental Assignment Program (R.D.A.P.) loophole — 18 U.S.C. 3621 — Vick could possibly reduce his sentence by one year. This documented instance of substance abuse apparently qualifies Vick for this reduction upon completion of a treatment program.

 And apparently, while my HTML skills aren’t mad, this is mad good luck for Vick. Why? Put simply…

  • “If you can show you had a substance abuse issue 1 year prior to entering custody you can get UP TO A YEAR knocked off your federal sentence.”

 Yeah. Michael Vick’s elusiveness can be translated to off the field as well. Good work law. Thanks for breaking my spirit.

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