The Grand National Championships

March 14, 2009

What’s the matter with Kansas Now?

Filed under: Idiot Homerism,Nerd Alert!,Political Falderol — by Andrew @ 1:00 am

Now, before last year with the magic of fat guy in a little coat as well as Supernintendo Chalmers, Kansas was a bracketological dreamcrusher. Badgers fans remember the ride in 2005 they went on because Bucknell took out the Jayhawks. And Patrick O’Bryant made millions off of the fact that Kansas couldn’t handle his style next year.

But then there was a solid run in 2007 and 2008 brings us back to do. Then suddenly, out of the land of murder and Shannon Elizabeth, the Jayhawks got buzzbombed. Beaten. Bamboozled. Broken. Busted.

Baylor took step two of what just might be a magical run on the backs of the aforementioned Jayhawks. And a State Senator David Wysong? He took it as well as can be expected.

The Kansas Senate on Thursday adopted a resolution that says the Kansas University men’s basketball team should no longer play teams that start with the letter “B” in March.

Despite KU’s reigning national championship and history of basketball excellence, the killer B-team losses to Bucknell in 2005, Bradley in 2006 — both in the NCAA Tournament — and Baylor earlier Thursday in the Big 12 Tournament produce too much “heartache” among Jayhawk fans, the resolution stated.

The resolution by state Sen. David Wysong, R-Mission Hills, an avid KU fan, was adopted on a voice vote just before the Senate adjourned for the day.

Because the culture of Kansas needed to be healed because Curtis Jerrels had a good day, David Wysong wasted an entire state’s time. Why? The firmly entrenched politician, who clearly looks like a weirdo raper guy, needed an ego boost.

But at least he knows what Animal Husbandry is*. So there’s that.

*Probably

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What’s the matter with Kansas Now?

Filed under: Idiot Homerism,Nerd Alert!,Political Falderol — by Andrew @ 1:00 am

Now, before last year with the magic of fat guy in a little coat as well as Supernintendo Chalmers, Kansas was a bracketological dreamcrusher. Badgers fans remember the ride in 2005 they went on because Bucknell took out the Jayhawks. And Patrick O’Bryant made millions off of the fact that Kansas couldn’t handle his style next year.

But then there was a solid run in 2007 and 2008 brings us back to do. Then suddenly, out of the land of murder and Shannon Elizabeth, the Jayhawks got buzzbombed. Beaten. Bamboozled. Broken. Busted.

Baylor took step two of what just might be a magical run on the backs of the aforementioned Jayhawks. And a State Senator David Wysong? He took it as well as can be expected.

The Kansas Senate on Thursday adopted a resolution that says the Kansas University men’s basketball team should no longer play teams that start with the letter “B” in March.

Despite KU’s reigning national championship and history of basketball excellence, the killer B-team losses to Bucknell in 2005, Bradley in 2006 — both in the NCAA Tournament — and Baylor earlier Thursday in the Big 12 Tournament produce too much “heartache” among Jayhawk fans, the resolution stated.

The resolution by state Sen. David Wysong, R-Mission Hills, an avid KU fan, was adopted on a voice vote just before the Senate adjourned for the day.

Because the culture of Kansas needed to be healed because Curtis Jerrels had a good day, David Wysong wasted an entire state’s time. Why? The firmly entrenched politician, who clearly looks like a weirdo raper guy, needed an ego boost.

But at least he knows what Animal Husbandry is*. So there’s that.

*Probably

February 22, 2009

Since Everybody Liked Last Weeks Bubble Top 25?

I figured I would use my brainmeats and go again. After all, if it doesn’t involve me trying to be funny? I can do it twice in a row. Because my funny is accidental. But my brainmeats just keep bringing it.

Anyway, the Bubble is still tightening as the inexorable march of time gets toward Selection Sunday. And while some teams have lost their projected safeline designation, like San Diego State, we have teams with new membership. They’re mostly from Florida.

Maybe all from Florida.

Anyway…here’s the safe teams.

ACC
UNC
Duke
Clemson
Wake Forest
Florida State

Big East
Pittsburgh
UConn
Villanova
Louisville
Marquette

Pac-10
Washington
Arizona State
UCLA
California

Big 10
Illinois
Michigan State
Purdue

Big 12
Oklahoma
Kansas
Missouri

SEC
LSU
Florida

Mountain West
Utah
BYU

Atlantic 10
Xavier

(Note: Odds are that the A-10 is going to get multiple teams, so the Atlantic 10 is going to get the one team safeline that Conference USA is not going to get.)

Safe Likely Conference Champions
Butler
Creighton
Gonzaga
Memphis
Siena
Utah State

And this week we can add a new designation. Just needs one more win to be in.

One More Win
Boston College: (The computer numbers are decent to marginal. If they take down Florida State at home, it’s not just clinched. It’s superclinched. But they will likely go 21-10 (9-7). At North Carolina State and Georgia Tech at home means that will likely happen.)
Dayton: (Winning one of their next three (@ URI, Temple, @ Xavier) makes them safe. They probably already are, but I have a bad feeling about them. Just a feeling.)

I would also put the winner of the South Carolina-Kentucky game as a team that’s in the tournament. But they still both fall on the safeline. So there’s that.

So how many bubble teams does that leave us? 13. So let’s start the rankings? Remember…future schedules count.

1. West Virginia
2. Syracuse

All they need to do is win two games and that is a task of simplicity for both. The computer numbers can fade it if they only beat DePaul, Rutgers, or South Florida. By this time next week, their cards should be punched.

3. Texas (Blake Griffin’s concussion aside, beating Oklahoma is beating Oklahoma. This means they are among the top teams vs. the RPI Top 50 who reside firmly on the safeline. Texas Tech and Baylor at home will get them to 20 wins and over .500 in the Big 12.)
4. Wisconsin (Put it simply? If they manage a win today at the Breslin Center? They could manage a 9 game winning streak going into the conference tournament. And even if they don’t? Their worst case of going 7-3 in their last 10 would tie them for the hottest BCS team going into their tournament.)
5. Kentucky (It is essentially a coin toss game between them and South Carolina on Wednesday, and an RPI of 62 at this point is quite high for a team that I would put on the safeline. But they control the tempo on Wednesday and they get LSU on Saturday. Win the week and the RPI problem is sorted.)
6. Ohio State (They didn’t hold serve. Northwestern is doing well for Northwestern, but it’s still not a good loss. If they beat Illinois at home today? All is forgiven and they’ll still likely have 20 wins in them and a 33/34 RPI/SOS.)
7. San Diego State (They have the best case to be the Mountain West’s third team in the tournament. Not to say that their schedule is downy soft by any stretch of the imagination, but they have BYU and UNLV coming to San Diego. Go 3-1 in their final four? They win the 3rd Mountain West bid.)
8. Arizona (Probably need one more good win (@ Arizona State, California, @ Washington) for clinching purposes, but with their tradition, passable computer numbers 43/40, 6 wins vs. the RPI Top 50, and 20 likely wins overall and 10 in the Pac-10? They can take it down by just beating Stanford and Washington State.)
9. Minnesota (Similar resume to Arizona. Both have hit about .500 versus the RPI top 100, both have some high-quality wins that they have banked. Both have an excellent chance of getting to 21 wins overall with a .500 or better conference record. Both have similar computer numbers (40/48). Arizona just played a couple of higher notched teams. All they need to do is just beat Michigan and Northwestern at home.)
10. South Carolina (So the odds of 4-2 just got a bit longer. Their next three (@ Kentucky, @ Vanderbilt, Tennessee)? They are horseraces. Win one and they’re fine. Thus they can feel relatively safe.)
11. Tennessee (There is always one team that will get in solely on its strength of schedule. Right now? It looks like the Volunteers. Pomeroy expects 18-12 (9-7). That doesn’t matter. Their RPI is 26. That doesn’t matter. Their Strength of Sechedule is 2. That’s all that matters.)

Here’s where you’ll find out the deep dark secret of this years NCAA tournament. A lot more teams are going to go to the NIT unhappy then make the NCAA’s. Right now there are two bids left. And as I type this, there are seven teams that could make a solid case for it. I do not envy the selection committee this year.

12. Maryland (Their emotional win over North Carolina gives them the best winning percentage of what’s left versus the RPI top 25. There are plenty of teams with computer numbers that bring more to the table, but the ACC is the best conference by far, and if they can win at North Carolina State and at Virginia? They would have probably have to beat North Carolina State in the tournament. If they do? That’s a ticket punched.)
13. Penn State (The computer numbers are bad, (61/84), but if you look at Conference RPI? You have a likely 5th place team in the second best confrence with 21 likely wins in their back pocket and three versus the top 25 in RPI. At this point, as I type this? That’s enough. But if they want to stay here? They better get a 22nd win. (The two likely wins are versus Indiana and Iowa, those crack the RPI downward.)

Here’s the current batch of the outside looking in. Again, there are five teams that have strong resumes to get into the tournament even if they would currently be out. I would count New Mexico as a team on the list. The potential fourth MWC bid will either belong to them or UNLV.

14. Oklahoma State (I tossed a coin between the Cowboys and the Nittany Lions for the 65th spot. The Cowboys have much better computer numbers (32/11), but that being said? Their most quality win was against Siena and they need to hold serve just to get to .500 in a marginal big six conference. Next Saturday they play Texas. It’s in Oklahoma City. Win there and hold serve? They are in great shape.)
15. Texas A&M (Beat Nebraska in Lincoln on Tuesday, and they likely get to .500 in conference and 22 wins, as well as a chance at clinching a spot int he Big Dance when Missouri comes to town on March 7th. If they merely hold serve? They likely don’t get themselves to .500 in the Big 12. And that’s kind of problematic especially this year.)
16. Temple (Their key is the road game at Dayton. Win here and they’ll likely be 13-3 in the A-10 with 21 wins overall, and their current computer numbers would be strong enough that they could just hold serve in the tournament and get in. But the way this year is going? Maybe not.)
17. Miami (They still have a good chance of winning out. Their computer numbers are going to be better than Maryland’s. And if it comes down to it? It’s going to be the team that plays North Carolina State that has the better shot of culling the ACC’s seventh tournament berth.)
18. USC (They needed to beat Washington. With this sort of a morass in terms of the edge of the bubble? They need to run the table to stay out of the NIT graveyard. Cal is their last shot at a win you could consider good. And heaven help them if they lose to Stanford or either Oregon team. 19 wins will not be good enough here.)
19. UNLV (Again, the schedule is something bad. They have strong wins versus the Top 50 (Lousiville, Utah, BYU twice.) But here’s the crux of the problem, they have two road games versus Utah (RPI-10) and San Diego State (RPI-48). Their home game is versus Air Force (RPI-287). They need to cull a 22nd win to have a chance of making the dance.)
20. St. Mary’s (CA) (Won what they were supposed to. Would probably need to make a run to the finals with a good effort against Gonzaga to make their case perfectly, any loss until then, even a semifinal tournament loss to Portland? And they would be toast. Especially if they make a regualr season boo-boo. Pepperdine and Loyola Marymount have superawful RPI’s.)
21. UAB (Decent computer numbers (39/71) that will slowly slide downward with games against Marshall and East Carolina, never mind a potential 9-1 record in their last 10. All they have to do is beat Memphis. Do that and it’s a lock. Don’t and they cannot get in. No tomorrow’s. This Thursday they win or they are dead.)
22. New Mexico (Their problem is wholly depended on their computer numbers. Their RPI is 71. Beating Utah at home will make that rise. Doing it like they did versus San Diego State (75-49), would shoot it up the ladder. But then there’s Colorado State, TCU, and Wyoming. Not much quality in those wins, kids.)
23. Georgetown (If they can win out? Then they can usurp Tennessee as the team that gets in solely on the strength of their strength of schedule. They would have to thread the needle of Louisville in DC and at Villanova to do it, but if they can? They will be the Big Easts 8th team.)
24. Michigan (Second best RPI among the currently unlisted. But Georgetown’s proverbial needle to thread is a little less difficult than Michigan’s. (Purdue, at Wisconsin and at Minnesota are their last three.) They would need to beat Iowa in Iowa City and take two of those three to get into consideration.)
25. Niagra (Beat Siena at home and they have to be in the conversation of at-large berths. That being said? They would need to get themselves a third match-up versus Siena and win out to state their case completely.)

Yes! I made a new list! You’re welcome!

August 27, 2008

So, you know what?

I fell out of love hard with my Fantasy Football team last year. I fell out of love with Fantasy Football too. But you know what the problem was? I was too shitty to not land a good running back. That’s 2007.

2008? In 2008 my team became patriotic. And in 2008? My team might hopefully be good. And seeing nothing in my head? I’ll explain my situation.

Quarterbacks:

Ben Roethlisberger: The fifth round quarterback who was 1) The last quarterback on the second tier. 2) In a system where you need a good quarterback to have a shot. 3) A quarterback too dumb to know that he was facing such a sadistic schedule.

Matt Schaub: If he and Andre Johnson last 16 games? Matt Schaub will be a worthy starter. For a 10th-round draft pick? He’s fine value.

Running Backs

LaDainian Tomlinson: Lucky for me, the team with the #1 pick had Purple Jesus as a lone highlight from last season. So, I drafted Tomlinson with a pensive confidence. Obvious decision is obvious.

Brandon Jacobs: Now, this is the pick that could cause me some consternation. Multiple talented back-ups, a bit of the injury prone. Passing on Drew Brees or Andre Johnson. But you know what? If he gets 10 scores, none of that matters.

Willis McGahee: Yeah, the Ravens seem lame offensively. But you know what? Cam Cameron has made plenty of bad offenses have stud running backs. Shit, Ronnie Brown had 1000 yards of total offense in 7 games. And McGahee seems better, right?

Ray Rice: Obvious handcuff is obvious.

LaMont Jordan: If 2007 was any indication, The Patriots don’t want Maroney to poud the rock on the goal line. Sammy Morris had all the goal line touches in 2007. And considering that Jordan is now an ex-Raider, his skills are much better. Even if he’s merely a vulture/back-up.

Wide Receivers

Santonio Holmes: Best receiver available in round four and oh my God he’s in his 3rd season, isn’t he? There’s interesting potential there.

Dwayne Bowe: Best case? He has double figure TD’s on the rare occasions that they actually need to go to the goal line. Worst case? The truth is adjusted and he’s really Michael Clayton.

Anthony Gonzalez: Marvin Harrison is a broken man. I sincerely believe that he will be the #2 and get more stats than Marhar Superstar.

Santana Moss: Best case scenario? I only have to use him when they play the Rams. Worst case scenario? He’s still a #1 receiver. And a west coast offense may make him interesting.

Josh Morgan: Home run swing who’s most likely to get cut for a bye-week replacement.

Tight Ends

Tony Scheffler: Obvious breakout candidate is obvious.

Zach Miller: By default, he is the #1 receiver in Oakland. Young quarterbacks rely on their tight ends. He’s got a shot at 150 targets.

Defense

Seattle Seahawks: Best value when I went to draft them. They’re imperfect, but they’ll win you a game or two. This teams tigerstyle is solid. In the 12th round? It works.

Kicker

Mike Nugent: I was going to take Brandon Coutu here, but as the rumors went, Holmgren is going to idiotically take Olindo Mare as his kicker. And seeing as I would draft in the 16th round? I took the best kicker available.

All in all? Brandon Jacobs and my two starting receivers are the keys. If they do what I expect. (Which is solidly.) I’m fine.

If not? I apologize in advance. Sorry.

June 29, 2008

I’m not going to hate the player…

But the game that Semi-Pro represents? Is bad. Am I surprised? Not really. I had a free rental and I was gonna take a shot at a miracle.

It didn’t come in. Outside of Rob Corddry as the precursor to the modern Tom Brady fan? There was not much comedy. But you want to know the thing that gets me in my sick sad world?

The writer wrote something structually unsound.

I know it seems as if I’m in a thinly veiled satire here, but bear with me.

You see, the big event was a race for 4th place. 4th place got them into the NBA. Not the truth? But still, I was willing to suspend disbelief. It could have been discussed.

HOWEVA, when the Comissioner rolled up in there with his Act II downer moment of saying that the Tropics weren’t big enough for Walter Kennedy? It killed all the momentum. Why? 2 reasons.

1. The stakes were effectively lowered to a Mr. 3000 level of drama, and at least in Mr. 3000 it was a story of man vs. team. Here? It just sidetracks everything.

After all, the contract that we were supposed to be on? It was for madcap adventures to get the team in the league. And then it all rolls downhill to just one more game. And therein lies the other problem.

2. Type in http://www.remembertheaba.com, go ahead, I’ll wait. Look for the playoffs in 1975-1976 What do you find? 4 teams made the playoffs? Really? But that means the screenwriter didn’t do his research?

Man.

I’m not saying that I should have expected that much, but a cursory look could have told him everything. And you know what? A franchise playing to stay alive would have been awesome.

Oh well. This post deserves a B. The Movie deserves a D.

June 11, 2008

So, today was a great day.

I took about a day off in regards to the hard work that I took. I know, that’s the wrong thing to do. But I did not avoid learning. The good days are as much of a learning experience as the bad ones.

I shall present you a bulletpoint of things that I have learned, because we are getting into the silly season of sports where it’s baseball or death.

  • I wish to know more about Pepper the Norte Dame Comeback Dolphin. I do not trust mammals that share affiliations with Condoleeza Rice and Ed BeBartolo Jr. Consider me specist, but this has not failed me yet.
  • Blogger pro tip #357: If you get upset that one of the places that you hyped your work doesn’t link it? You need a day off. You have to believe in yourself if you want to succeed. Motivated Frank taught me that!
  • The thing that you don’t know about me? I appeared on a televised episode of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” when I was 18 and took down a cool $64,000. So you know if you were ever in a trivia deathmatch? I’d be one to call. Imagine my surprise when a team of bloggers formed to be in a quiz bowl with the Mainstream Media…
  • …and I was jealous. I’m man enough to admit it.
  • But then I realized two things. Even despite the breakout of the stale, my blog isn’t the elegance nor has the readership of the others. Cripes, Spencer Hall has his own rally dolphin! Also, I could have avoided Derek Belling my way through high school and got into a non-hyphenated real school. Good look to the Blogging Avengers, and if ever you need a sparring partner? I’m not difficult to find.
  • Oh, and Clay Travis? The end topic of that Season 4 Episode of Saved by the Bell? Basketball. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
  • Also? I made Something Awful Forums! My crossover is nascent, but developing.

Really, I was goofing around and garnering a triple double. Cripes, Jason Kendall homered! Life is good.

So good that this doesn’t bother me…


SCHADENFREUDE!

 

June 10, 2008

Premise: There is a reason for Blogfrica to like Every Team in College Football

Even an eminently hateable team like Ol’ SC. I am here to speak the truth to power. There’s a reason to love every team in The NCAA Division One. And I’m here to share it with you.

NOTE: The rankings are from one of those entirely too early football magazines. I’ll leave it to you to guess which one.

119. Florida International: We all remember the big fight in 2006 between Miami and Florida International. And if you don’t, here’s all you need to know. FIU had an injured running back who went out amongst the crazy with nothing more than crutches and heart. His name is A’Mod Ned. He is now FIU’s starting running back.
118. Utah State: Schadenfreude fans? You want your best bet to run the table of suck? Look to the Aggies. They will need to beat Idaho on September 20th to have any chance, and that’s coming off games at Oregon and a rivalry game versus Utah. Lose here?
117. Idaho: Bloodlines are made of win here. One of the most productive WAC running backs is Deonte Jackson? Guess who his uncle is? Steven Jackson! He was a Fantasy Football +10 off-tackler runner for chaotic evil!
116. North Texas: They grow offenses bigger in Texas. In Todd Dodge’s first season, he took an offense that only averaged 12 points in 2006 and doubled that. He took a random quarterback named Giovanni Vizza and took him to a 2400 yard season and a game where he threw for 8 TD Passes. And now he’ll have his son as an option if Vizza doesn’t keep his stride.
115. Eastern Michigan: Andy Schmitt is what lazy writers would compare to Matt Groethe. A good arm with some run skills, he will keep EMU in games for as long as he can. Because outside of Daniel Holtzclaw? The defense has nothing to bring to the table. 
114. Arkansas State: Hey look Native Americans! They’re the Red Wolves now! You can show love for All-Conference Selections Corey Leonard and Reggie Arnold! Huzzah?
113. Middle Tennessee State: Are you looking for something in a waterbug speedburner? The Blue Raiders would like to have a word you about Desmond Gee. He’s 5’8″, 168 and he runs a 4.44 40 yard-dash. He plays receiver. He plays tailback. He returns kicks. He allows lazy people to make a joke about him doing other work in the stadium. 
112. UAB: The best kicker in the nation? Swayze Waters. He can drain it from fifty yards and keep Baby out of the corner all at once! GET IT?!?!
111. Army: They’re rolling up on people with the Wishbone. Also, they have a quarterback whose named Carlo Sandiego. He has the loot, and the warrant. And he’s about to nab the Contessa!
110. Buffalo: I know Buffalo has sucked forever. I know they haven’t even sniffed a bowl game since forever. But Turner Gill has an offensive stew going. Drew Willy is a draftable quarterback. James Starks is a powerful runner, and the line has 4 starters back. If the defense becomes even subpar? They’ll have a winning season.
109. Temple: Why cheer for Temple? They have 21 starters and their special teams back. Sure, the line allowed 45 sacks, and that’s no bueno. But Temple’s no longer the irrelevant joke that they were once earlier in the decade.
108. UL-Lafayette: Hey video game fans? Do you love the option? Do you love building teams from scratch? Well, the Ragin’ Cajuns are for you. With two 1,000 yard rushers in Michael Desormeaux and Tyrell Fenroy and a Sun Belt affiliation, those who would play NCAA Football 09 will be in hog heaven.
107. Western Michigan: In a league where the offenses are so high-powered, having a defense that returned all 11 starters is something to cheer. Sure, it wasn’t the most successful defense last year, but behind their secondary they should improve greatly.
106. Northern Illinois: If you can have 10.5 sacks and 17 tackles for loss in a 2-10 season and an insatiable motor? You have an excellent pro future. The Huskies may not have a lot to cheer about this year, but they do have Larry English. 
105. UNLV: Frank Summers may not seem like a great running back, but like Will Ferrell after one taste of the beer bong, when Frank Summers gets rolling downhill? He’s going streaking! Whoo! Also whoo!


GUESS WHAT MY NICKNAME IS?!?
104. Ohio: Now, Frank Solich has an excellent dual quarterback threat in Theo Scott and Boo Jackson, but that’s not why we’re here. It’s because with minimal help along the defensive line, Jameson Hartke has developed into an excellent prospect. He converts to a 3-4 OLB nicely.
103. Rice: The best passing combination you’ve never heard of in Chase Clement to Jarrett Dillard. They’re seven scores away from being the most prolific duo in NCAA History.
102. Akron: If you’re looking for a Devin Hester candidate, look to the rubber capital of the world. There you will meet Bryan Williams. A man who was an all-conference running back last season, he has moved to safety this season. He sports excellent speed, and as for return skills? How’s 31.9 yards as a Kick Return average taste. Tastes good right?
101. UL-Monroe: The Warhawks beat the Saban last year. Behind Kinsmon Lancaster and a stout defense they also took out Rusty Smith and FAU on their way to winning four out of their last five games. If they get to Alabama A&M with a split? They’ll be dangerous. (They are Arkansas’ trap game).
100. Toledo: This is why you should root for Toledo.


This is Tom Amstutz. He’s the coach of Toledo. He has the gut instinct of Mark Mangino with none of the obvious hype. He needs your love. 
99. Bowling Green: In a world where the minimal spotlight is shining all its power on Dan LeFevour and its sloppy seconds upon Nate Davis, being the third best quarterback in the conference is a tough road to hoe. But don’t sleep on Tyler Sheehan. He was awesome last year, and he is deep in skill positional options.
98. SMU: If Justin Willis comes back, look for him to be a breakout quarterback, as well as the face the predatory homosexuals fear most of all.
97. Tulane: Behind Andre Anderson, this team in no way shape or form will miss Matt Forte and his hyper production. Also, when they Face LSU on November 1st? This team could already be 6-1.
96. Kent State: Eugene Jarvis will see your Desmond Gee and raise you a 5’5″ shifty scatback who rushed for over 1600 yards last season. And he also invented Defender and Robotron! He is your best in tiny all-purpose running backs. 
95. Colorado State: I know it looks bad when a tight end is the thing you should be rooting for, but Kory Sperry has had his dream defferred. And now he has little quarterback experience coming back. He is facing loads of adversity here. If he can thrive? He’ll be in the early part of day 2, Martin Rucker style.
94. Louisiana Tech: Bloodlines! Guess who head coach Derek Dooley’s father is? If anybody outside of the Garden of Good and Evil guessed former Georgia Head Coach Vince? That’s 200,000 college football nerd points! Yaa!
93. Duke: They aren’t affiliated with March Madness or Tobacco Road.
92. Syracuse: Mike Williams may be gone, but Delone Carter does return. And with Andrew Robinson as a quarterback who can string drives togethere? If you want to see a once-proud team try to bounce back from the hardest of times or blow it up yet again? Root for the Orange.
91. San Jose State: Kevin Jurovich is their go-to receiver. Kevin Jurovich is a white guy. If you’re into that sort of thing? Consider your boat floated.
90. San Diego State: They lost three offensive starters to the NFL. Four offensive lineman have left from a team that had 3 qb’s fall to injury. But there is a downy soft opening, and their defense is going to get them through. Or at the very least keep them competitive. 
89. Marshall: Sure, Darius Passmore is a quality name for any receiver in football. But the putative starting running back? Chubb Small. No joke. I’ll leave you to make the dick jokes here.
88. Troy: If you’re looking for another contender for the small school Tebow throne? Watch to see if Jaime Hampton can win the job here. Omar Haugabrook turned Troy’s offense into his own personal playground. And Hampton does have the same style.


HOORAY!
87. UTEP: If you want a sleeper as to a quarterback that for the Nation of Islam Sportsblog will be hyping in September? Look for Trevor Vittatoe. With home games against New Mexico State, Rice, and SMU, he could have 4000 yards this season. Also, he’s a black dude.
86. New Mexico State: Mummeball is a system that develops spectacular offenses for great justice. Also? Their defense usually stink, so it adds to the chucking of the ball around the field. Chase Holbrook has the skills to pay Mumme’s bills.
85. Wyoming: A good running game. A potentially great defense. Joe Glenn has a team that could get to .500, but they’ll settle for vengance on October 11th vs. Utah.


WE LOVE YOU FAN IQ!
84. Florida Atlantic: Rusty Smith is the best quarterback that you’ve never heard of. A sophmore quarterback who came out of nowhere last year to take down Minnesota and throw for five touchdown passes in his lone national television appearance. He’ll have a golden opportunity to make a name for himself early with games at Texas and Michigan State.  
83. Baylor: Baylor is where Head Coaching dreams go to die. Sure, it’s a BCS conference. Sure, the leavings in Texas high school prospects like to rock the party. But this is where coaching cred goes to die. Art Briles? Expect a call from Permian in two years.
82. Northwestern: Northwestern is strong in its skill position mojo. C.J. Bacher is a great spread triggerman. Tyrell Sutton and Omar Conteh are pretty good runners. And Mick McCall makes his offenses pop. It may be another 6-6 bowless season in Evanston.
81. Air Force: This is the most Christian team in college football. If you love the Rockies for their morals? Then feast your eyes on the fine moral values of Special Teams Ace Ryan Harrison!
80. Iowa State: You know that school that is lacking in the talent department but will always make games close for three quarters? Meet the Cyclones. With Texas, Oklahoma, and Texas Tech off the schedule? This is a team that could get to five or six wins. Which is actually nice for Clone nation.
79. Washington State: There is one bright spot in Pullman. Brandon Gibson. The winner of the quarterback battle can throw it up, and he’ll get it. Otherwise? They got squadush.
78. Vanderbilt: Here’s the thing about Vanderbilt. They always seem to have one or two good pro prospects, even if it is a lot more academic than athletic at Vandy. This year’s big prospect is Thomas Welch.
77. Southern Mississippi: If you’re looking for a Spec Play for 2009? Look for the Golden Eagles. The putative starting quarterback is a freshman. And while DeAndre Brown’s eligibility has not cleared as far as I know, he would be ready to rock in 2009.  
76. Hawaii: No Colt Brennan, no June Jones. But they do have a bright spot in the linebacking duo of Adam Leonard and Solomon Eilmimian. Expect struggles, but the defense will not get punked by the mid-majors.
75. Minnesota: Last season was a dystopian nightmare. Their only win was an overtime game versus Ball State in the Metrodome. And they lost to Bowling Green, Florida Atlantic, and North Dakota State. But you know what? Their recruiting class is awesome. Give Tim Brewster time and the road will improve*.
74. New Mexico: Love defense? Then New Mexico is your Huckleberry. Rocky Long brought Urlacher to America, and his defenses are strong despite the gimmickry. And if the offensive line gells, the offense has the skill positional talent to destroy some suckas.
73. Nevada: If you’re looking for a gimmick offense with style. Nevada is your bailiwick! With Sophomore Ace Gunslinger Colin Kaepernick and white running back Luke Lippincott, the Wolfpack’s pistol offense will be…firing…on all cylinders.
72. Navy: Ken Niumataolo is the first Pacific Islander to become a major college head coach. And we have the best name since Chris Fu’amatu-Ma’alafala in starting quarterback Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada. Let’s see Sameer Mishra spell that!
71. Virginia: The Cavaliers are in a different state of mind this season. Instead of coming off a season where they didn’t live up to expectations, the Cavaliers actually get to flip the script. Peter Lalich could turn into a Matt Schaub clone by 2010. 
70. Miami (Ohio): If you like defense, the best in the MAC lives here. Clayton Mullins is an Outside Linebacker with an excellent pro future. This defense will allow them to contend against every team they play this year.
69. East Carolina: I know I’m going to say something odd here. A blogger? Saying root for a Holtz in an unironic fashion? But Skip Holtz is a man who turned Chris Johnson into a weapon worthy of the first round. He’s made a quarterback tag team effective. He turned a bad defense into a bad defense that gets turnovers. He’s actually a good coach.
68. Ball State: Ball State has a way with shootouts. With a throw-catch combination of Nate Davis to Dante Love and a defense that can’t stop the run (remember how Ray Rice destroyed them). They’re going to have a lot of first to 40 wins games. Those are fun. 
67. Central Michigan: Dan LeFevour. 4,774 yards of total offense (and remember that sacks count against a rushing total). 47 Touchdowns. Tim Tebow? 4,181 yards of total offense. 55 Touchdowns. Catch the fever! LOL!


HOW DARE YOU JOKE LIKE THAT?!?!
66. Stanford: Wopamo Osaisai. All you need to know about Stanford is right there.
65. Indiana: They may not have James Hardy anymore, but let me introduce you to Marcus Thigpen. His yards per carry average may not be the greatest, but he is one of the few who has the 30 yard kickoff return average and three touchdowns. If Kellen Lewis comes back? I see a Detroit Bowl Game in their future.
64. Washington: Even while he is in year two of his Huskie Era, Jake Locker still compares favorably to the Little Mac. And we all know that’s awesome!
63. Kentucky: Now we all know about the magic quarterbacking that Andre Woodson perpatrated. But did you know that Curtis Pulley actually beat him out? It’s true! So maybe Andre Woodson went all Batman in the Summer of 2006. But by this analogy? Curtis Pulley is Wolverine. That’s all good sir. 
62. Cincinnati: Their defense still will have days when it is life-changing, turnovers and pressure, and oh my god how are they getting to Sam Bradford? But the sleeper? Adrien Robinson. His triangle numbers have Mel Kiper Jr. salivating. (6’5″ 250 4.49)
61. Kansas State: Josh Freeman is 6’6″ and 250 pounds of essential single-season recordness. He brought Jordy Nelson as much love as Jordy brought Josh. Jordy may be gone, but Josh Freeman’s rocket arm remains ever powerful.
60. Arizona: If you want a stealth contender for 4,000 yards? Ask for Willie Tuitama. With a Texas Tech offense, every starting receiver coming back, and a sieve-like defense? He is going to be chucking the ball early and often.
59. Notre Dame: There is no reason whatsoever to cheer for Notre Dame.
58. Georgia Tech: Paul Johnson had an ability to consistently win at a service academy. And as miracles go? That’s one tick below parting the Red Sea in modern sports parlance. Now he brings the majesty of the Triple Option to the BCS. How will he do with actual athletes? Therein lies the question. Therein lies the intrigue.
57. Louisville: There are some who are saying to themselves, OH NOES, BRIAN BROHM CAN HAS BACK-UP QUARTERBACK CHEEZBURGER! I say to them, chill baby. Hunter Cantwell is the one you want. He has a cannon for an arm, and he will not punk out due to injury.
56. NC State: You want a sleeper team in the ACC? Go here. Their turnover margin was 116th. Their front four is stout, and if they can find a quarterback? They may shock the Atlantic division. Or make a charge at the Champs Sports bowl, whatever.
55. UCF: If you want a storyline game that goes under the radar, feast your eyes on September 6th. Last year, on the way to the #2 ranking, South Florida destroyed UCF 64-12. This year UCF gets USF at their place. And it’s a trap game if you believe in the Mangino. Also, Joe Burnett could find his way into being this years Leodis McKelvin.
54. Arkansas: We may get an opportunity to see if Bobby Petrino is nothing more than a liscenced asshole. If Casey Dick (a.k.a. the Swiftboat Quarterback for Truth)** can become a good passer? Then Bobby Petrino is the truth in the college ranks.
53. Ole Miss: Good news for Michael Oher! The subject of The Blind Side finally has someone legitimate that needs his…blind side…protected in Jevan Snead. Sure, it’s year one of the Houston Nutt Oxford Era? But they have an offense and a defense of experience! Huzzah? Sure! 
52. Memphis: The Memphis Tigers has a veritable posse of tall receiving options. From 6’4″ Duke “The Duke” Calhoun to 6’8″ fade route specialist Carlos Singleton, the Tigers have 5 receivers who are 6’3″ or taller. Also, doesn’t the name Arkelon Hall sound like a comic book villain?


“I’ll get you NFL SuperPro, if it’s the last thing I dooooo…..”
51. Nebraska: Joe Ganz is a mythical creature that came from the Kansas hinterlands to mop-up the second and third team defenses of the Big 12 in 2007. This year? He gets Marlon Lucky and four-fifths of an offensive line to prove his cup of coffee wasn’t a fluke.
50. UConn: Randy Edsall is a mystical man who is able to develop talents out of the unheralded. There are 19 starters back from a team that won 9 games last year. Also, Andre Dixon and Donald Brown are a running game that you can have a three yards and a cloud of dust with.
49. Houston: Why like Houston? Because if you like a quarterback who can roll up on you in the two minute drill, then introduce yourself to Case Keenum.
48. Oregon State: It’s not often that you roll up on a dude who lacerates his kidney. It’s less often that a lacerated kidney belongs to an All-American receiver. Oregon State has the rarity. His name is Sammie Stroughter.
47. Purdue: Curtis Painter is a stud. The problem for Mr. Painter is that he has one experienced receiver and gimpy linemen sourrounding him. If Curtis painter improves on his 29-11 TD/INT ratio, it’s proof that he has the NFL in his future.
46. Mississippi State: Hey, did you know the African-American can coach college football? By the lack of black faces, you may not have noticed. But it’s true! And you know what else? They can take a small town in Mississippi and send them to Bowl Game excitement! I wonder why more Athletic Directors don’t consider going down this road?
45. Iowa: Rumors of a lack of institutional control, no experience at running back or cornerback, and a Mike Samuel at quarterback in Jake Christensen are all problematic. But this is the Big 10. There is minimal sexy in terms of the offense. If you can stop the run? You can get to seven wins. Mitch King and Matt Kroul are undersized forces of nature.
44. TCU: At Texas Christian, the defense is always good. It’s the offense that takes them as far as they want to go. Aaron Brown and Andy Raymond are speedy and Joesph Turner has some skill as well. If Raymond doesn’t Sophomore slump, this team is freakin’ adorable.
43. Miami: This is another team that could be outstanding in 2009, but the fact of the matter is the reason why this team is likable is because of a bunch of 18 year-old kids. I’m not saying this as a hater, I’m just saying man cannot win on Freshman sensation alone.
42. North Carolina: Here’s the thing about the Coastal Division of the ACC. There’s open competition for the top of the pops. And the Tar Heels? They could be as good as anybody. 17 Healthy starters return. Greg Little is emerging as a spectaular running back. And the defense is solid and returns 9 starters. And they get Virginia Tech in Chapel Hill. Sleeper lives here.
41. Oklahoma State: Zac Robinson turned Mike Gundy into a YouTube Phenomenon. Zac Robinson led an offense to perfect run-pass balance. His option quarterback game rolls up with some dropbackability. He may even be as good as Pat White.
40. Colorado: Darrell Scott is the Freshman sensation running back who does not have much to climb over to get the bulk of the carries. I am not going to bestow upon him next Moreno status. But if you want the preseason pick? Go here.
39. Utah: A team that had to battle injuries in 2007. 2008 looks to be the year where Kyle Whittingham finally puts it all together. Brian Johnson is an accurate passer who just gets first downs, and along with him return healthy triplets Matt Asiata and Brent Casteel. This is a spoiler in waiting.
38. Tulsa: Come for the 576 yard per game total offense, stay for the coach that looks like a weirdo raper guy!


“Why don’t you come over and have a seat. Come on, have a seat.”
37. UCLA: Rick Neuheisel may be a corrupt son of a gun, but he’s snagged two good coordinators in his sights. Norm Chow will cobble an offense out of those who aren’t walking wounded, DeWayne Walker? He’s already got a good nucleus. Genius will be used loosely in Westwood.
36. Michigan State: As John L. Smith’s players leave the program, Michigan State is developing into something dangerous. Brian Hoyer delivers the danish with style and aplomb, execpt for when he doesn’t, but Javon Ringer is the stud here. Without short-yardage vulture Jehuu Caulcrick, the Ringer is going to be a force of nature in East Lansing.
35. Boston College: Ryan Purvis is the only reason that the Eagles offense will not fall off the cliff straight away. Josh Haden is a tiny running back. Those do well in the Chestnut Hills. Chestnut…hehehehehehe.
34. Maryland: Darrius Heyward-Bey is the best prospect to exit the Fridge since Shawne Merriman. He has height, speed, and no matter if it’s Chris Turner or Jordan Steffy tossing the bean? Darrius is going to be the single greatest Bey the world has ever seen since 1990’s talk show host Richard.
33. Rutgers: Mike Teel has an accurate arm. Kenny Britt is a deep threat extraordinaire. But if you want something in a freshman sensation look at redshirt freshman Jourdan Brooks. He has the power to handle the workload Schiano likes to foist upon his #1 runner.
32. California: Their center’s name is Alex Mack. Those of us who were tweens in the days of SNICK are laughing at that.


SEE? IT’S GOLD!
31. Michigan: Meet Stephen Schilling and Carson Butler. They’re the reason why the cupboard isn’t bare for Rich Rodriguez. Carson Butler is the next Bennie Joppru. And Stephen Schilling is…a right tackle, I can’t do this. The Wolverines are in danger of a 5-7 season. And if you’re a hater? It’s beautiful.
30. Texas A&M: Three things here. Another test of the mediocre pro coach theory as Mike Sherman becomes the new coach. Jevorskie Lane is 285 pounds of doughy steel and short yardage appeal. And all in all? The Aggies have a running game to build off of.
29. Virginia Tech: The Hampton area is where the dominant athletic quarterback lives. From Aaron Brooks to AI to the crazy Vick brothers. Hampton is where you get your quarterback who can run for show, even if they may not pass for dough. Tyrod Taylor is the latest, even if he may never be the greatest. 
28. Boise State: Ian Johnson is still in Boise. He’s the active leader in rushing yardage, touchdowns, and marrying hilariously last named cheerleaders. Look it up.
27. South Carolina: I’m not too proud to be lazy, I’m going to crack wise on the comedy that is somebody with the last name of Smelley, especially when he plays for the Gamecocks. And during my time as a game show gadabout I asked for a smelley gamecock.

…I don’t want to talk about it. 
26. Penn State: Anthony Morelli’s gone! He’s not coming back! I promise! Derrick Williams and Maurice Evans are spectacular playmakers, but that doesn’t matter! ANTHONY MORELLI’S GONE! If you don’t know, that’s just awesome!
25. Florida State: The only intrigue in the land of the Seminole is will Drew Weatherford complete his Chris Rix impersonation in time to keep the Seminoles from staying out of the Top 25.
24. Tennessee: In a world with Percy Harvin, Tim Tebow, Knowshon Moreno, Matt Stafford, and even Michael Oher’s got some juice behind his name. It’s hard out there for an Arian Foster. He’s just a solid back from a school with a good pedigree. Maybe if he gets arrested, he’ll get the hype he needs.
23. Pittsburgh: I know you want me to discuss Wannie’s porn stache. But no. I’m spinning away from that because LeSean McCoy is a force of nature who has the will to improve the 71st ranked rushing offense. Mr. McCoy is the truth. 
22. Fresno State: The go-to mid-major that the four letter network paid their attention to in the early part of the decade is back! With a three-pronged rushing attack, and the Trent Dilferesque song stylings of Tom Brandstater, they’re on the prowl for a BCS berth. Rowr?
21. Oregon: In a parallel universe, they are coming off of a National Championship. But if Justin Roper and Nate Costa start to coalesce as the next Dennis Dixon. They have Jaison Williams and they have an O-Line. Vincent Jackson fans in the house? 
20. Alabama: The Saban is the devil. The Devil is a good recruiter. Julio Jones will be playing Sam to Nick Saban’s Ray Wise. All John Parker Wilson has to do is make a virgin sacrifice at the opening frat party where some white dude’s sporting Blackface. Yes, the one on Water Street.
19. South Florida: Matt Groethe is not Tim Tebow with his run-pass capabilites, but he’s good at what he does. Some call him scramblor. But what you want to know about is George Selvie. 31.5 TFL and 14.5 sacks. That’s scary to all the left tackles. 
18. Illinois: Mike Locksley is the best coordinator that you might not have heard of. He turned Juice Williams into a sensation, Rashard Mendenhall into a 1st-Round Pick, and Aurrelious Benn into more than just a cool name. The Zooker’s got the team reloading instead of rebuilding.


17. Wake Forest: They lead the ACC in starters with awesome names. From Special Teams Ace Sam Swank to Linebacker Chantz McClinic to wide receiver/future anchorman Chip Brinkman, the depth and bredth of quality names in the land of the Demon Deacons is truly awe-inspiring. 
16. Texas Tech: The best pass-catching combination that you’ve heard of in Graham Harrell to Michael Crabtree. Yards and yards and scores and scores! The Red Raiders are gonna put some numbers in bunches. Early favorite to be overexposed with a #2 ranking midway through the year. 
15. Kansas: Todd Reesing does return both receivers and his offensive interior. And if he should fall? It’s a great excuse to bring back this photo.


FAT GUY IN A LITTLE COAT MAGIC, AMIRITE?
14. Arizona State: Rudy Carpenter-Keegan Heering-Chris McGaha are the best triplets that you will find within the Pacific Ten. Also, Dennis Erickson has found a job that for which he will not be leaping away at the slightest sniff of interest for. If the line stays strong? They’ll be one of the best 10-2 teams in football.
13. Auburn: Can a system that allowed Troy to take down Brad Smith’s Mizzou or Zac Robinson’s Oklahoma State work in the big time? Auburn hired Tony Franklin to find out. It ruled for the Peach Bowl, but what happens when all the offensive players are new fish? That’s just intrigue.
12. BYU: This team has an ability to place four players in the highest levels of the NFL. From Quarterback Max Hall to running back Harvey Unga and guard Ray Feinga, and pass rusher Jan Jorgensen, this team will be atop of the Mountain West for years to come. Even if the BCS is only a 2008 proposition.
11. Wisconsin: Forget about Bielema. Forget about Beckum. The Badgers are four deep in the sexy of the running backs. P.J. Hill was a two-year starter who’s averaged 1400 yards a season. He could start 2008 FOURTH on the depth chart.
10. West Virginia: Who’s still in Morgantown? Pat White goes without saying, but could I interest you in a Noel Devine? He was able to run it for 8.6 yards a pop in his limited time last year. And Mike Poitier? He’s as dignified of a back-up as the Poitier name calls for.
9. Clemson: The tigers are street-rated as skill position sexy. Cullen Harper is the cool in the clutch gunslinger. James Davis and C.J. Spiller are truly the most dynamic of running back duos. Also? Aaron Davis Kelly is 6’5″. That’s tall receiver gold. Oh yeah! 
8. Texas: Jamaal Charles had some fourth quarters that were Playstation level. But you know what? The Burnt Orange will not miss a beat. Vondrell McGee is the truth. He runs hard. He runs mean. If Colt McCoy improves? They’re in some good shape. Also? Quan Cosby. That’s a receiver that African-American culture can be proud of.
7. LSU: Now, you and I love Glenn Dorsey. But here’s the thing. The Bayou Bengal’s D-Line may not lose the smooth now that Dorsey’s gone. Tyson Jackson’s a force, and Ricky Jean-Francois may be just one touch higher caliber than Glenn Dorsey. If they can avoid the shootout noid? They’ll be mighty.
6. Florida: Umm, is it all right if I go for the photo and move on? Percy Harvin’s awesome pass-catching skills say it is.


As likely as a shitty spoof movie!
5. Missouri: I know Chase Daniel is the Heisman Favorite. (By the logic of no repeat winners in the modern era…) But he’s not what you want. Jeremy Maclin is the one you want. 199 touches. 16 touchdowns. 4.32 in the 40 yard dash. And he went for a 1000 yard season at receiver. Trust in the Maclin. It will reward you.
4. Oklahoma: Sam Bradford is your ace, but if you love sexy in the trenches? Phil Loadholt, Duke Robinson, and Austin English are the elegance on both sides of the ball. If you want emergence? Look for DeMarco Murray. He’s got takeittothehouseability.
3. Ohio State: Now here you would expect me to make another cheap joke about how there’s no reason for anybody anywhere to like Ohio State. But, the divinity of Beanie Wells is undeniable. And Terrelle Pryor has some schadenfreude points in your favor.
2. USC: I’m sure that you all love Lofa Tatupu and his undersized one man hit squad. Meet Rey Maualuga and his tag team partner Brian Cushing. They are big, they are bad, and they can run. The defensive line may be something half new, but few runners will even sniff the second level.  
1. Georgia: If you want one off the Knowshon Moreno-Matt Stafford path? There is a sleeper of potential emergence, if you believe that freshman defenders only grow? Then you need to feat your eyes on Rennie Curran. If not? I heard that Knowshon’s got a good shot of getting the Heisman.

Yeah, I know. This post may roll up on people as a TL;DR. But you know what? If you took your time, read it in chunks, you’ll be rewarded.

I hope you understand.

Love,

The Grand National Championships.

*Statement void if eligibilty issues don’t get smooth.
**See because his claims of quarterbacking legitimacy are spurious at best? Yeah, I know…

 

I can pinpoint the exact moment I broke up with the NBA.

I was in the basement of my parents house. It was the NBA on NBC. It was the year after my Milwaukee Bucks got jobbed out in Game 7 (Putting Sam Cassell in foul trouble allowed for Allen Iverson going off). But if I was able to relax through Horace Grant fouling Kevin Johnson in the NBA Finals, and Michael Jordan getting one last offensive foul ignored as he pushed off on Byron Russell, I could fade my home team getting the shaft.

But in 2002, I broke up with the NBA. And I can pinpoint it down to the exact moment. It was like when I was watching Patriot Games and decided that Seth MacFarlane was nothing more than a hack who is in firm belief that his shit never stank. Put it this way, this was the minutes that felt like hours which took only seconds.

Lets set the scene. Game 6, the Lakers have found themselves on road to ruin. Sacramento, after many failings to win a series versus LA, (and were up 3-2 in this series) had led for most of the game, but suddenly? The Lakers started getting sent to the line, and had the lead. The Kings needed a stop. And with Mike Bibby on Kobe Bryant this play happened.

Kobe got trapped to the sideline. Bibby was covering him like a champion. Suddenly, Kobe swings his elbow and Bibby falls.

Dick Bavetta called the foul on Bibby.

I didn’t know the exact whys and wherefores statistically (27 4th quarter free throws for the Lakers), I didn’t know if there was a lack of twisted steel and sex appeal in a matchup between Chris Webber and Jason Kidd. I didn’t know that David Stern has the personality of Alan Dershowitz and the crulety of Michael Vick at Bad News Kennels. I just knew that the refs were corrupt, the Kings got jobbed, and I was done.

So why am I sharing this? It’s three hundred words on a phantom foul. There has to be a reason, right?

Well, yeah. Tim Dongahy says that two officials fixed this game. I’m not saying this to be surprised. It just feels nice to be right.

The Epicness comes later…

May 31, 2008

The Internets are going to ruin the deal.

(Would you still love me if I called him the White Mickey Mantle?)

We at the Grand National Championships love the Manic Indie Thrill. We feel a certain sense of pride in showing love for Curtis Granderson before anybody else did on a regular basis. And why else have we not interviewed anybody of the field of sports?


It’s Indie!

But that’s not to say that we don’t enjoy the enjoyment of the consensus. Spurs hate? We’ve got Spurs hate. Love for the classy lady. We have that too.

But here’s one problem we have. We cannot abide those who reuse memes. Sure, Chuck Norris had an array of spectacular tall tales about him. And it ran good. They got a book deal out of it.

But what the problem is? CHUCK NORRIS WASN’T FIRST.


“I ONCE SAW HIM SCISSOR KICK ANGELA LANSBURY!”

If you don’t know, there’s no need to call somebody. I’ll tell you. That was a Bill Brasky quote. And in the modern days of Pop Culture. This was the innovator. This was the jam.

Chuck Norris sampled the Brasky Beats and got himself famous on it. Now? With any developing superstar, there has to come a site with recycled “fun” facts. If it’s not Tim Tebow, it’s Cole Hamels. And it is all made of suck.

All of it.

So where’s the problem at? See, friend of blog Babes Love Baseball had to roll up with news of Jay Bruce and his game winning homer. And while that wasn’t a problem…


BOO-YA!

The comments section was.

sweetbob said…
Jay Bruce could probably beat up Kimbo Slice….but he would probably need to use a baseball bat.

Saturday, May 31, 2008  
Megs said…
Jay Bruce could probably teach Chuck Norris a thing or two about hi-yas.

Saturday, May 31, 2008  
Jacob said…
Jay Bruce could probably eat more hot dogs in one meal than Kobyashi could in a year.

————————————————-

Let me say this as plainly as possible. Stop it. Stop it now. Memes aren’t cool.

And if any of you suckers tag me…

You don’t wanna know!

I’m about to telegraph my nerdy…

If you didn’t know already, and even if Phillip Rivers told you to ask somebody.

I just have one brief thought. If the Democratic Rules and Bylaws committee wants their meetings to have the decorum of a Maury Povich Baby Mamma Drama episode, could we at least have a Putt-Putt Prom Queen make motions instead of Carl Levin?

She would make this at least watchable.

Who wants to touch me?

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