The Grand National Championships

June 10, 2008

I can pinpoint the exact moment I broke up with the NBA.

I was in the basement of my parents house. It was the NBA on NBC. It was the year after my Milwaukee Bucks got jobbed out in Game 7 (Putting Sam Cassell in foul trouble allowed for Allen Iverson going off). But if I was able to relax through Horace Grant fouling Kevin Johnson in the NBA Finals, and Michael Jordan getting one last offensive foul ignored as he pushed off on Byron Russell, I could fade my home team getting the shaft.

But in 2002, I broke up with the NBA. And I can pinpoint it down to the exact moment. It was like when I was watching Patriot Games and decided that Seth MacFarlane was nothing more than a hack who is in firm belief that his shit never stank. Put it this way, this was the minutes that felt like hours which took only seconds.

Lets set the scene. Game 6, the Lakers have found themselves on road to ruin. Sacramento, after many failings to win a series versus LA, (and were up 3-2 in this series) had led for most of the game, but suddenly? The Lakers started getting sent to the line, and had the lead. The Kings needed a stop. And with Mike Bibby on Kobe Bryant this play happened.

Kobe got trapped to the sideline. Bibby was covering him like a champion. Suddenly, Kobe swings his elbow and Bibby falls.

Dick Bavetta called the foul on Bibby.

I didn’t know the exact whys and wherefores statistically (27 4th quarter free throws for the Lakers), I didn’t know if there was a lack of twisted steel and sex appeal in a matchup between Chris Webber and Jason Kidd. I didn’t know that David Stern has the personality of Alan Dershowitz and the crulety of Michael Vick at Bad News Kennels. I just knew that the refs were corrupt, the Kings got jobbed, and I was done.

So why am I sharing this? It’s three hundred words on a phantom foul. There has to be a reason, right?

Well, yeah. Tim Dongahy says that two officials fixed this game. I’m not saying this to be surprised. It just feels nice to be right.

The Epicness comes later…

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May 21, 2008

If you were in Cub Scouts you remember,”A Time To Tell”

Simply put it’s the best educational and informative movie about child sexual abuse ever.

[YOUTUBE=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxacV8b78tk]

BEST….TRAILER…EVER!!!!!

NEVER! EVER! SPILL PAINT IN THE GARAGE!

Max Weinberg in the early years…HAVE A COOKIE!

Is that what the kids call ‘NAMBLA”?

Is that MARIO LOPEZ???!!!

NEVER WATCH BETA WITH THE STEPDAD! THAT’S SICK!!! AND I TRUSTED YOU!

NEVER EVER CLEAN THE ATTIC!  THAT IS NOT FOR ME!

Don’t become a victim and know the signs people!

 

Best video ever.

ELVI!

 

 

April 30, 2008

I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, care, care anymore.

If you’ve read any sort of a sportsblog today, you know that Deadspin Editor Will Leitch got attacked by a crazed Pulitzer Prize winner last night on Costas Now. You know what else?

I don’t really give a shit.

I mean really. This isn’t some Epic battle of good versus evil. This is Rap Music in 1992. This is Rock and Roll in the mid-1950’s. And so on and so on and so on. Sure, nobody in the Mainstream Music Media said Dr. Dre creates beats in his underwear from his parents basement, but that’s beside the point.

Bissinger is just on the wrong side of the fence, which is a shame, because he’s too rich to really have to give a shit about this. He’s not one of those sports columnists who bring nothing to the table outside of yelling at sports. The blogosphere is not the migrant worker that can do his job for pennies on the dollar.

Then again, ego is a funny thing. If you’re great at something, you feel a sense of professional pride on it. Tom Shales probably blanches at unpaid writings of television criticism. Hunter S. Thompson would probably have sent death threats to anyone who would dare throw bombs in areas that he once wrote about. And Buzz Bissinger isn’t the only one qualified on sports writing.

I mean, I can name you ten websites that provide intriguing points of view about sports in general and sports in particular. (Point of fact? The NBA Blogfrica is scary good.) And when you have that sort of talent brusing up against the fevered egos of the hack sports columnist? You get a certain amount of “How Dare They?” Same as what Tommy Dorsey felt when Elvis made his way onto the scene.

And that’s what brings us back to do.

(And for the record? This was posted in my underwear from my basement apartment.)

April 19, 2008

Those of you who were here from the beginning know about Brandi Hawbaker

If you don’t? Here’s a cliffs notes. Reasonably attractive, but mentally disturbed poker player/con artist.

But to get you up to speed, she fell in with noted poker author David Skalansky and his Two Plus Two Forum. And when things were good? David was thrilled with the exploitative purproses for his website.

All that and worse, after the jump.

LET’S GET DIRTY! 

(more…)

April 7, 2008

Dear Old People Who Hate The Blogosphere?

If you wish to break the internet? There is only one thing you have to do.

Brady Quinn must promote Subway’s Five Dollar Footlong Sandwiches.

And he must do this yesterday.

You’re welcome,

Andrew

The Grand National Championships

April 3, 2008

Do you wish for an ability to drop Draft Knowledge? (Part 1)

We are helpful people at The Grand National Championships. We like you. And when you’re gonna watch the NFL Draft on the last weekend in April? You’re gonna want to know stuff. I will bring you the stuff to know.

Elvi Patterson can hate me now, but I won’t stop now.

Let me tell you all you need to know about the quarterback class.

There are five that should go on Day 1. That you know. But did you know that if you wish to know where the sleeper goes, all you need to do is look inside an [Anchorman Reference]?

(Heh. Heh. Heh.)

The Magnificient Seven (Quarterbacks)

1. Matt Ryan (QB-Boston College)
6’4″ 223 4.95

There are some whom would compare him to Joe Montana. There are some whom would compare him to Tom Brady. Hell, Pro Football Weekly would even throw in Peyton Manning. Wrong. All of you are wrong.

His arm is not laser, and he will let you down going deep. He can manage the game well, but his vertical game blows. Out and out shitty.

Not to say he won’t have real world value in 2009, it’s just that you aught to temper your hopes, guy.

brees_ribeiro.jpg

But being Drew Brees means you know how to learn the Carlton Dance!

WHY Matt Ryan is the next Drew Brees? He will struggle mightily for the first few years with a bad offensive line.

2. Brian Brohm (QB-Louisville)
6’4″ 224 4.82

 

Brian Brohm has lived a sheltered life at Louisville. A spread offense guaranteed to put up numbers for any quarterback? Two brothers as coaches? His daddy as a constant presence? Even though he was injury prone, the fix was in for him to succeed.

I know, I’m being mean. He does have a laser arm. He does have on-field football smarts. He’s not fast, but he’s not a statue in the pocket. Leadership is not a strong suit, however.

WHYhe will be the next Brady Quinn? His intangibles are questionable, his arm is not that great, and if the Ravens fall in love with a cornerback? He will lose millions on draft day.

3. Joe Flacco (QB-Delaware)
6’6″ 236 4.85

 

Kerry Collins had a passing camp in South Jersey. It crossed paths with a computer camp. Theirs was a love that could not last. Fortunately, Kerry does not believe in sexual congress with condoms. Nine months later, Ms. Flacco’s baby boy was born.

Don’t believe me? Think this story libelous? Well, how about we explain that Flacco is a statuesque laser, rocket-armed quarterback who is not great under pressure and has a drinking problem*?

He’s only going to be good as his coaching and supporting cast.

WHY he may be the next Matt Schaub? He’s going to be drafted as some teams back-up in the second round, have a good game versus the Patriots, and be rumored to get dealt for two years hence. 

*The Mileage on Joe Flacco’s drinking problem may vary.

4. Chad Henne (QB-Michigan)
6’2″ 230 4.94

Being as my friend Elvi lives in Michigan, he is inundated with hype from Ann Arbor. He is sick of Chad Henne. In that way? He’s like your average Michigan fan.

But like anything that can be much-maligned, the fact of the matter is that Henne brings more to the table than you think. He throws hard, he plays hurt, and he has played well in big games not involving Ohio State. However, he is inaccurate and like the bastard child of Kerry Collins, when the line breaks down Henne cannot stand and deliver. The devil he may take ya.

WHY he may never be a full-time starter? He has a lot of bad habits that would only be correctable by good coaching. And do you know what’s the most translatable skill of a quarterback from college to the pros? Accuracy.

5. Andre’ Woodson (QB-Kentucky)
6’4″ 229 4.88

 

Let it be said that we will make an effort to speak upon him fairly. We love his style and his ability to come up big in the biggest of games. He is poor in throwing technique. He would need to land with a team that has a swanky quarterback coach to polish the rough edges. He was not great in the all-star games.

But that being said, the man is a gunslinger. He brought them back versus three teams in the Top 15 and stood toe to toe with the son of Jor-El. And while some dream of him as a Jason Campbell or a David Garrard, if everything breaks right? (And I do mean every damn thing?)

 

WHY I just might not be crazy? A 2nd round graded quarterback who can move around from a southern school who can bring his marginally talented team back against powerhouses? He’s got the heart and the balls.

These are your day one quarterbacks in terms of value. Sure, an Erik Ainge or John David Booty may sneak in if some team has a grade for them, but they’re backup value at best (Ainge more than Booty). But in Day 2 the only city that bears an interest?

San Diego!

Day 2 Sleepers

A. Josh Johnson  (QB-San Diego)
6’2″ 213 4.55

 

There’s an impetus to find upside in your quarterback. Josh Johnson is the best and brightest. He destroyed competition in the Division 1-AA (FCS, whatever) with a 43-1 TD-INT ratio. And get this? His throwing style isn’t raw either! He may not be used to the speed of the pro game, but he’s not just some spread option sucker.

He played under a pro-style offense in San Diego. Jim Harbaugh was his sensei.

But there is some dark clouds in this ray of sunshine. He’s not one of the 6’5″ 240 sized types of quarterbacks, it means he may get launched. And he may never settle into his happy feet. But the fact of the matter? If Throwing Into Traffic wants to talk about what dreams may come? Talk up Josh Johnson.

WHY he might be drafted on Day 1? You remember Tavaris Jackson? Josh Johnson is the Platinum Edition of Tavaris.

B. Kevin O’Connell (QB-San Diego State)
6’5″ 225 4.64

He may not be the one, but Kevin O’ Connell [a.k.a. Cush] sure is the prototype. Strong arm with good accuracy, good footwork along with timed speed, and he has pretty good accuracy. And his sensei is a strong molder of quarterbacks. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell a prospect. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell blossom in the most heterosexual way possible.

And yet? The man can’t stay healthy. The man could not destroy a mid-major conference even with Chuck Long’s Mr. Miyagi-style.  He can lose the plate every so often and he will not stand tall and true. He is not the gunslinger you are looking for.

WHY won’t he be another Dan McGwire? He’s agile and mobile. That and he doesn’t juice. He is not going to be a bust.

That’s it. About 1200 words in regards to your fine quarterback prospects. Yeah. This was a bit of an effort. Woot and what not.

March 17, 2008

As I lay diabetic.

Gather round kids,  the end times are fast approaching. 

The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is:

KU!

The Kansas Jayhawks!

Why?  well it’s easy.  They’re so under the radar that even Siena thinks they’re nobody.  So they easily won the big 12 conference, they only beat a Kevin Durantless Texas.  After all, if Wisconsin can beat them, they must suck, right?  Yes……and NO!  I mean everyone knows that Kansas doesn’t have a breakout freshman like their in-state rival Kansas State (Micheal Beasley for those not in the know). 

But lo, Kansas does have a weapon.  There is something that is stronger than a powerhouse freshman.  That is Mario Chalmers; better known as Superintendent ( or Super-nintendo) Chalmers

supintendent chalmers

Steamed Hams huh?

One weapon is never enough.  You always need back-up…wingmen, if you will.  Thankfully Kansas has two grade A wingmen in Brandon Rush and Darrell Arthur.  These titans of cockblocking will ensure that you end up with the one you call and that one will sexxor the fat chick.

wingman

 But really, when it comes down to it; players don’t really matter when it comes to Kansas winning the NCAA tournament.  It all boils down to good luck and karma.  Kansas has gooey jumbo sized tubs of good karma in the transfatty goodness that is Mark Mangino!

mangino!

Mark Mangino is the fat guy in a little coat.   When Mangino does the truffle shuffle, the Amish in Lancaster,PA know their crops will be bountiful.  Mark Mangino brought Kansas Football into actual relevance this past year, and he will ensure with each greasy bite of his corndog of justice that the Jayhawks will be the victors in this year’s NCAA tournament.

Learn it, know it, live it.

ELVI!

March 10, 2008

Now is the winter of our discontent!

RALPH!

OH NO! RUN!

There is a reason why I titled this post with a quote from Shakespeare/The Simpsons.  I’m still coping with the loss of Green Bay’s fortunate son, Brett Farve.  There is a way I’ve come to grips with this staggering loss in the frozen tundra. 

I will put on my hipster English Major hat and compare Farve to Literature’s greatest lines from novels and plays!

thinkin hat

Please to note: my elegant English Major hat!  

hemingway 

A Farewell To Arms – Ernest Hemingway (shotgun enthusiast )

But after I had got them out and shut the door and turned off the light it wasn’t any good. It was like saying good-bye to a statue. After awhile I went out and left the hospital and walked back to the hotel in the rain.”

One can make the comparison that Brett Farve is the protagonist Frederic Henry; a hard boozing sort who’s love interest Miss Barkley ( The Packers) dies. Frederic Henry has no choice but to leave them with nothing but his memories and a piece of him, that is gone forever.

macbeth
Macbeth – Willam Shakespeare 
Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee;
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
A dagger of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As this which now I draw.    Macbeth, Act II, scene i

Clearly, Brett Farve is Macbeth.  This dagger that is appearing in front of him in the form of a hallucination, is retirement.  By clutching this imaginary dagger in his meaty palm, Farve is getting ready to stab this retirement into the soft belly of his adoring fans.  The searing pain will only worsen as Farve rips out his fans entrails and insanely feasts on them as his neo-vicodin.

gatsby 

The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald (Zelda lover)

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.
“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

Logically, one can deduce that in this passage we see reminiscing Farve.  A Farve who’s clearly learned his lessons and has decided that he may not want to be the one thing that’s always dogged him. Criticism.  More specifically, the media.  He does not to become what he’s always dreaded.   Some pompous ass who could never hack it who’s only able to mock and criticize those who were better.

bayless

Case in point:  Skip Bayless

To close, I hope you enjoyed this waltz down literature lane.  I know I’ve enjoyed going back and reviewing the stories and plays I should have read in high school.  If you have any other great works that would work for Brett Farve, please leave them in the comments.

ELVI!

February 21, 2008

In the land of the shaven, the bearded man is king!

Ever since I have grown a beard that is the envy of every 8th grade boy, my sixth sense or as I call it,”The Grizzly Adams Connection” has become heightened.  This has really helped me scour the sports world for the greatest beards in the land.  After looking for the best bearded sports stars I have come up with a top 3.

Elvi Patterson’s Bearded Brothers!
Ozzie

FLIP!
Ozzie Smith!

If you don’t like Ozzie Smith then there is something seriously wrong with you.  Besides the back flips and being the typical american tourist; Ozzie is what made baseball legendary in the 1980’s and early 90’s.  Even for a non cardials fan like myself, Ozzie Smith was the only reason to go to Bush Stadium (besides the fact that you just toured the St. Louis Arch and found their elevators too eeriely like toilet seats.) 

Few people know this but Ozzie Smith was fueled not by ampethamine’s or steroids.  Nay, The Wizard Of Oz was fueled by Beard Power.  The coarse facial hair that lived on the face of Ozzie Smith gave him the ability to do backflips and become animated on cue.  Also, the beard was manly, yet handsome.  It was so handsome that even now Walt “Clyde” Frasier would never say to Ozzie,”NO PLAY FOR MR. GRAY!”

animated smith
Sadly, Ozzie Smith hasn’t been seen since visiting Springfield’sSpot Of Mystery“.

Baron!

Baron Davis!

First off, the power of the beard is strong in this jedi.  It defeated Dirk and the Mavericks.  Plus, when you look at the photo you know that Baron Davis is indeed Miami Vicetastic!  He is the epitome of Glenn Frey’s “The Heat Is On!” only you must change the words to “The Beard Is On” or to put in simplistic terms The B Is O!  The only way Baron Davis could be cooler is if he did a book tour where all he did was read Berenstain Bears books!
berenstein
Let’s make Baron Davis the Spokesman for BOOK-IT!

JOHN GRIZZLY! (OVER THE TOP!)

John Grizzly is the best part about the greatest movie ever! About ARM WRESTLING!  OVER THE TOP!  John Grizzly proves to the average man that by growing a manly man’s beard you can ingest oil and gain robot powers!  I mean, how can a manly bearded man drink oil? The answer is simple; The BEARD! By having a beard you have the ability to get into your enemies’ heads! A beard will give you an intense appearance that will be reinforced by the fact that you can swallow lit cigars! There is nothing more metal than being Arm Wrestling’s Ted Kaczynski!

unabomber

NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!

Love the beard you’re in,

ELVI!

February 17, 2008

Beard Watch 2008!

As my beard grows in thicker and thicker; I have noticed that my beard is beginning to show it’s true shape.  

Originally, I had hoped my beard to resemble that of a bear or a person who trains bears.

awesomeyay?

Sadly, this was not be the case.  My beard has gone from looking like peach fuzz a 9th grader tries to grow, to something resembling a beard similar to #2 (Commander Willam Riker) from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

RIKER!

This is a beard that still rocks the casbah..but I was truly looking for that crazy pioneer look.

I NEED MY GOLD!

But as this beard takes on a life of it’s own..I’m truly enjoying this endurance test of myself and a razor.    I was talking to a lady friend, and she told me that I should trim the beard but keep the goatee part long.  As it gros longer I should cut the goatee into a point so that way I can look like a wise master.

yay!!!

Awesome!

ELVI!

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