The Grand National Championships

December 29, 2008

What do we know about the Pac-10?

West Coast? It’s Pretty Good in the hood. There isn’t 27 teams on the A-List like the Big East. But believe in it.

1. Arizona State (James Harden are who we though he was! Also? These kids can shoot. Really well.)
2. UCLA (Jrue Holiday has proven himself a playmaker, but Michael Roll is what interests me. He rolls better from beyond the arc than for two…or at the line? He so crazy!)
3. Washington (Justin Dentman has a job to do. He needs to teach Isaiah Thomas all he knows. It will be his team next year.)
4. Stanford (They zone. Like a lot. Also? Anthony Goods has taken this team on his back.)
5. Cal (Jerome Randle is silky smooth at the point. He rolls and the team rolls. He has an off night? And the team becomes Epic Fail.)
6. Washington State (A great defense, to be sure. But there is something off about this team. Is it Taylor Rochestie’s inability to protect the ball? Is it the Freshman leading the offense? This can be a good team. But there is a flaw in the diamond.)
7. Arizona (Jordan Hill needs a nickname. He’s murdered the nonconference schedule. He’s a great power forward, and I want to see a duel between him and Blake Griffin. Also? Chase Budinger is great at second banana.)
8. USC (Why is USC struggling? Because while Taj Gibson is rocking the low-post, DeMar DeRozan is nothing more than a sucker MC.)
9. Oregon (Why is Oregon struggling? Because TaJuan Porter is tiny and struggling. A Garrett Sim-Kamyron Brown backcourt would be better right now. Even with the tough schedule.)
10. Oregon State (The fact that they got to .500 after a an 0-4 start? It’s a point for the Brobama. But is there hope for the future? Maybe. If Daniel Deane and Omari Johnson weren’t a factor of their non-conference schedule.)


December 28, 2008

What do we know about the Big East?

It’s a great defensive conference, that’s to be sure. It’s rich in high-caliber. Also true. But let’s break it down piece by piece, shall we?

Note: This is as the thoughts come into my head, so…let’s go.

1. Georgetown (The simple reason they’re good? They take good shots and force bad shots. That’s why they’re good.)
2. Pittsburgh (DeJuan Blair is a modern day Danny Fortson. He is what he is, like Lots and Lots of Trains!)
3. West Virginia (Too young to stay in the upper echelon. However? Darryl Bryant, Devin Ebanks, and Kevin Jones are a core that does have skills and swagger.)
4. UConn (You know A.J. Price. You know Jerome Dyson. You feel Thabeet. But after all that? Jeff Adrien is your glue guy.)
5. Louisville (Yeah, there’s the inconsistencies. We get it. But Samardo Samuels is a sexy beast of a Freshman Sensational low-post threat and Earl Clark is training to duel Josh Smith for the title of Greatest modern Salad Bar hoopster. There can be only one!)
6. Notre Dame (Yeah, we get Harangody and McAlarney. We do. But you know what? Ryan Ayers is the glue to this team. Watch him.)
7. Villanova (Dante Cunningham is killing the non-conference schdule this season. He’s just a salad bar of frontcourt awesome.)
8. Syracuse (All Rick jackson does is freelance and make big plays in the low post. Also? I know why Jim Boeheim fought so hard to keep an immature manchild like Eric Devendorf. He’s the only one who can shoot better than 75% from the line.)
9. Cincinnati (Deonta Vaughn is an offensive stud, but the reason why Cincinatti has been so good so far? Offensive rebounding.)
10. Marquette (For such a small team, they are remarkably competent in terms of their rebounding. Also? Lazar Heyward and Jerel McNeal are the truth.)
11. Providence (Geoff McDermott and Randall Hanke are a low-post Kid ‘n’ Play for the Peter Griffin state.)
12. Seton Hall (They foul. A lot. But with the fast hands of the 36 Chambers of Paul Gause? It’s justifiable.)
13. St. John’s (It’s a young team that fattened up upon the dregs of the NCAA, but if Malik Boothe learns to take care of the ball? They just might have a three year window for great justice.
14. DePaul (They need a distributor. They have two great pieces. But while Mac Koshwal has been pretty solid, Dar Tucker is not that good at the whole shot selection thing. And that is why they lost to Morgan State.)
15. Rutgers (They are almost a simalcrum of St. John’s. But they have Hamady N’Diaye and Gregory Echenique. They handled the low post with surprising defensive aplomb. And if Corey Chandler and Mike Rosario can move from gunners to scorers? There is a future in Piscataway.)
16. USF (There’s a redundancy problem. Dominique Jones and Jesus Verdejo cannot co-exist. Dominique Jones is a poor man’s Verdejo. If one left? Then the other can shine.)

As we get into the Conference season, we should look to see exactly where our teams are…

And this is why we at the Grand National Championships are going to break down the teams and where they are in this world for this season.

And we will start with the Atlantic Coast Conference. Why? Because I can.

1. North Carolina (They’re good at basketball. Dun dun dunnnnnh.)
2. Duke (Any good shooting team that can take care of the ball will give Duke a game.)
3. Clemson (A paper Tiger. Their weaknesses are glaring. Again.)
4. Wake Forest (Get on the bus. Their youth may be a problem this year, but next year? This is your ACC Favorite.)
5. Maryland (Can’t shoot. Decent defense will keep you in it.)
6. Miami (FL) (Dwayne Collins is a salad bar of underrated badass.)
7. Boston College (Corey Raji has developed into a solid second option.)
8. Georgia Tech (Poor beyond the arc, at the line, and taking care of the ball. You need to be a Spur-level defense to handle that noise.)
9. Florida State (A pretty good defense, but if you can take away Toney Douglas? You can rampage over them.)
10. North Carolina State (Brandon Costner is back to studly, but the defense can’t bring them back if it breaks bad in the first half.)
11. Virginia Tech (A.D. Vassallo and Malcom Delany have poor ball control. And that, a.k.a. Point Guard is their weakness.)
12. Virginia (Maybe it’s bad times and poor memories for this season? But Mike Scott, Sammy Zeglinski, and Sylven Landesberg have hope for a tourney berth in the future.)

Prepare to get all historical…

Filed under: Boring Homerism,Fuhbawls — by Andrew @ 2:44 pm

A well worked drive from the Packers offense and a play-action pass to emerging fullback Jon Kuhn and we are 9:31 away from History. And avoiding that last embarrassing loss.

But losing a top-ten pick next year? OH NO!

Packers 24
Lions 14.

UPDATE: In the words of River City Ransom…Barf.

3 plays. 80 yards. 1:59. John Standeford did the legwork, but what the fuck fatass?!?!

Kevin Smith makes it 24-21. Like that.

UPDATE II: Never mind that bollocks, Donald Driver just goes for 79 yards and a score!

31-21! 16 seconds later!

UPDATE III: I never like it when you have a team in a prevent defense with four minutes to go. You only get two fucking fourth down conversions in a drive.

But Megatron is hurt. Which is a good sign for the Packers.

UPDATE IV: Good looking out, Fatass.

UPDATE V: It’s over! Even if Brady Poppinga blocked a dude in the back. 2:45 left. Run it out!

UPDATE VI: Clinched. 2:00 left. Detroit has 1 timeout left. If they recovered DeShawn Wynn’s fumble? It still may not have mattered.

But that’s all right. 0-16!


Okay…on Detroit and Green Bay?

Filed under: Analysis,Boring Homerism,Fuhbawls — by Andrew @ 1:57 pm

It just got tied. Calvin Johnson is making it not ugly. That jerk.

But let’s be honest, Aaron Rouse and Scott Wells got hurt. Luck does have something to do with this mess that the Packers are in. That and the fact that the Packers are dropping balls like a pubescent boy.

Though Jermichael Finley has shown hope for next season. Hope, if not expectations.

And if DeShawn Wynn ran hard on every play? He’d be ab all-pro.



December 27, 2008

I was rumor gunshy…

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 11:49 pm

Some idiot e-mailed me with a Mike Cameron for Aaron Heilman rumor. It was retarded and I was in no mood to post it.

However…this came across my inbox…

the useless for the useless, get ready for Mihm!!!

And I was like what? And they were like Tyronn Lue for Chris Mihm. And I was like, ooh, you went on the ESPN Trade Machine? And they were like, bitch.

Turns out? Sorry.

Also? I would love Carl Landry for Carlos Villanueva. Do it yesterday please!

We are Paying it Forward with Lazy!

Filed under: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! — by Andrew @ 2:12 am

After a Boxing Day of Soul-Crushing Depression, we are going to show you Flight of the Conchords Season 2 Premiere! For Americans! Because Boxing Day made me feel bad about myself. Stupid Canada!

Season 2 Online Premiere – Flight of the Conchords (US Only) – watch more funny videos

December 24, 2008

You know what?

The Yankees-Red Sox rivalry has just become reigonal.

Huh? I know what you’re thinking. Doesn’t ESPN push the shit out of this rivalry as if it was the greatest thing ever? Well, yes.

But that being said? For a rivalry game to have National gravitas, there has to be an empathetic team. Or at the very least a super annoying team. This is why UNC-Duke has gravitas.

But now? The Red Sox have the fans from hell, and the Yankees? My dear sweet Yankees?

You keep hitting the Brewers with the screwjob. A part of the Sabathia trade was that the Brewers were going to get a #1 pick to otensibly replace LaPorta.


I’m not posting tomorrow. Be Back Friday Afternooooooooooooooooooooooooon!!!

December 23, 2008


Filed under: Analysis,Basketball is played by tall guys,Heel Turn Homerism — by Andrew @ 5:54 pm

Tonight someone from the Badgers beeds to step up and bust the zone. It is what it is. The Badgers have been beaten by equals and scared by subpars who have zoned them to death. And with a team of athletes like Texas? We could be in for a blowout.

But there will not be blood. Bo is a smart man. And he will open up the offense for three-point shooters. And if the Badgers can go for 50% from beyond the arc. It will be a classic. However? Texas isn’t going to sleepwalk. And I cannot give the Badgers a homer call.

Texas 68, Wisconsin 60. Or somesuchnonsense.

Was there foul play on Sesame Street?

Filed under: Funny! Not Funny!,Pop culture lame — by Andrew @ 5:07 pm
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