The Grand National Championships

June 20, 2008

Hey kids, have you ever jumped to defend a lady on an internet forum?

I have. We all have once in our life. And being brave on the internet never got the girl, did it? But you know what? It’s okay.

You aren’t the first. You aren’t the last. You aren’t even the best person.

Meet Michael Binger. He is a literal rocket scientist. Or he was. Like every male from the ages 18 to 30 in the middle part of this decade, he decided to take a shot at getting into the World Series of Poker.

But unlike the rest of us? He has actually had some tournament successes. If you call outlasting a crapload of people in the 2006 World Series of Poker success. Also, several cashes in 2007. But the theoretical physics of his game are not why we’re here.

We’re here because of Clonie Gowen. She’s a pretty girl playing poker!

Well, she cleans up nice. Even if her game is only good at the televised sit and go format. She is one of the Pros at the Full Tilt Poker (Plagarism concerns notwithstanding). At least, she was going into this years World Series. And then comes the Two Plus Two Forum. Buzz Bissinger blood-boiling snark rolled up in there.

And here comes The Binger.

  • I felt compelled to create an account here to respond to some of the unfounded and stupid claims people are making about Clonie Gowen.

    First of all, Clonie is a good friend of mine and I can say definitively that she does not use drugs. She has never touched coke or meth or any of that. In the poker world
    many players do use drugs, and I am not judging them in any way, but Clonie is one of the most pure and innocent poker players in this regard. It is crazy that this rumor
    would start simply because of a bad picture. People are always taking pictures of her and obviously out of these thousands there will be some that are not flattering even though in the vast majority she looks like her beautiful and healthy self.

    Clonie is not anorexic either. She is naturally thin even though she eats healthily (I am the same way) and has also been working out regularly.

    It really pains me to see people blasting somebody I know to be a wonderful person. Clonie is genuinely nice to everybody.. she never lets her success go to her head and
    treats perfect strangers as her equal. She devotes time and money to a variety of charities. She a is truly humble and sweet human being.

    Regarding her poker playing abilities… I have great respect for her game. She has been crushing some of the big live cash games this year and I have seen her make some sick sick plays. She has won 3 Poker After Darks out of I think only 5 or 6 played. In multi-table tournaments, she has not had the success that her skills warrant… but I am confident that she will have a big score in the near future. There is a lot of variance in multi-table tournaments, and this year she has gotten close to a couple of big final tables, including event #5 at WSOP this year where I played all day with her on day 2 and saw how good she played (she finished in 15th). When she brings her focus and her A game she is unstoppable.

    So anyways, I’d just like to ask you guys to give it a rest with all of the unfounded rumors and gossip. Clonie is a great person and a great player.

I present this without comment. Just goes to say that in the fast-paced go-go world of the internet, white knightery is hack. 

Women can handle their shit. Mostly.

:)  

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June 12, 2008

Soriano out for 6 weeks.

Filed under: *Sanjaya Wipe*,BAYSBALL!,Douchebaggery,Funny! Not Funny! — by Elvi Patterson! @ 2:07 pm
Tags:

We’ll be fine cubs fan.  Just take heart that FUKUDOME IS ASIAN MAGIC!

oh yea, I bought that shirt!  suck it Andrew!

ELVI!

June 10, 2008

I can pinpoint the exact moment I broke up with the NBA.

I was in the basement of my parents house. It was the NBA on NBC. It was the year after my Milwaukee Bucks got jobbed out in Game 7 (Putting Sam Cassell in foul trouble allowed for Allen Iverson going off). But if I was able to relax through Horace Grant fouling Kevin Johnson in the NBA Finals, and Michael Jordan getting one last offensive foul ignored as he pushed off on Byron Russell, I could fade my home team getting the shaft.

But in 2002, I broke up with the NBA. And I can pinpoint it down to the exact moment. It was like when I was watching Patriot Games and decided that Seth MacFarlane was nothing more than a hack who is in firm belief that his shit never stank. Put it this way, this was the minutes that felt like hours which took only seconds.

Lets set the scene. Game 6, the Lakers have found themselves on road to ruin. Sacramento, after many failings to win a series versus LA, (and were up 3-2 in this series) had led for most of the game, but suddenly? The Lakers started getting sent to the line, and had the lead. The Kings needed a stop. And with Mike Bibby on Kobe Bryant this play happened.

Kobe got trapped to the sideline. Bibby was covering him like a champion. Suddenly, Kobe swings his elbow and Bibby falls.

Dick Bavetta called the foul on Bibby.

I didn’t know the exact whys and wherefores statistically (27 4th quarter free throws for the Lakers), I didn’t know if there was a lack of twisted steel and sex appeal in a matchup between Chris Webber and Jason Kidd. I didn’t know that David Stern has the personality of Alan Dershowitz and the crulety of Michael Vick at Bad News Kennels. I just knew that the refs were corrupt, the Kings got jobbed, and I was done.

So why am I sharing this? It’s three hundred words on a phantom foul. There has to be a reason, right?

Well, yeah. Tim Dongahy says that two officials fixed this game. I’m not saying this to be surprised. It just feels nice to be right.

The Epicness comes later…

This one is for Andrew Ridgley, Oates, and Marty Jannetty


HE WENT THROUGH A TAY-VEE!

Chris Jericho gives Second banana’s their vengance!

June 8, 2008

Terry Porter to the Suns?

It would be a very nice fit. He does have the professional skills necessary to be able to work with guys in the backcourt and on the wing. They may never be seven seconds or less ever again? But there are things that Terry Porter can bring that can only help the Suns.

1) He can develop mad point guard skills.

Mo Williams was little more than a scoring combo guard when he was signed by the Bucks in Porters second season in Milwaukee. But the fact of the matter is, he unleashed Mo’s skills with a 6.1/2.5 Assist to turnover ratio in only 28.5 mnutes of play. Mo Williams has never been as skilled as he was in his second season.

What does that mean? Leandro Barbosa is going to find at least some of his tantalizing potential getting tapped.

2) Would you settle for 10 seconds or less?

When his team wasn’t ravaged by injuries, he kept his team in the top third of offensive pace. And with some real offensive talents on this team, they won’t lose too much of the smooth.

What does this mean? Umm…the pace wouldn’t slow too much.

Ultimately? The Suns aren’t going to be a team worth of critical acclaim unless a miracle occurs. Robert Sarver is not a good owner. Anyone who doesn’t keep his picks for restocking purposes can suck it.

But while the Championship window is closed, they’re still going to be dangerous for another year or two.

June 2, 2008

Well, look at the Female form in activity. I will be better tomorrow.

Here’s the deal. Taught, slept, and working on a big post for tomorrow. Elvi’s out of town. So.

And for the ladies in the world…


JOE MAUER ICE BURN NIGHT!!!

June 1, 2008

Today is a special day…

Today marks the one year anniversary of our Debutante Link. Or something to that extent. It was the heartwarming tale of how Brian Roberts, Jay Gibbons, and Melvin Mora quitting steroids because the Grimsley gang got caught.

Trust me. We got better.

Anyway, outside of Navel Gazing, we’re going to take this time and tell you the three things you need to know to be a reasonably successful blogger.

1) Have a Take, Don’t Suck.

Apologies for the Jim Rome, but here’s the fact of the matter. His mantra should be yours. You need to bring your point of view, and bring it strongly. You aren’t going to be a news-breaking organization. Not straight away. Probably not ever.

So what does that mean? You need to bring your stuff. You’re in a flooded market, you need to bring something that makes you visible. You need something strong. I’m not saying you’re gonna be there every day. Nobody is.

But the fact of the matter? You are going to need to bring your voice to Blogfrica. But don’t worry.

2) There is no major difference between the top and the middle of the road.

Personally, there are some popular blogs living with a lot of misses. But that’s neither here nor there. The fact is, these guys are practiced writers, and their A game will be better than yours. For right now anyway. But with practice? You’ll get there.

I’m not saying I’m there yet, but when you’ve got people starting to hate you? You’re getting closer.

And as for you? Keep at it. Because the fact of the matter?

3) You will slump.

Creative dry spells happen. You can have two or seven or forty people, and they will bring nothing to the table for a long period of time. Is it writers block? No. You just aren’t awesome. And it can come for months at a time.

Sadly, there’s no magic way to extricate yourself. You need to keep scraping and fighting. Only the truly good can get through it. The middle don’t break out of it, and that’s what seperates the men from the boys. Or classy ladies from the wannabes.

This isn’t my most special post ever. I’m not even thanking the linkers, the readers, and the people nice enough to let me be interviewed. (Though all of them are awesome.)

This is for those who look upon a flooded market and say, me too.

You’re welcome.

May 21, 2008

If you were in Cub Scouts you remember,”A Time To Tell”

Simply put it’s the best educational and informative movie about child sexual abuse ever.

[YOUTUBE=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxacV8b78tk]

BEST….TRAILER…EVER!!!!!

NEVER! EVER! SPILL PAINT IN THE GARAGE!

Max Weinberg in the early years…HAVE A COOKIE!

Is that what the kids call ‘NAMBLA”?

Is that MARIO LOPEZ???!!!

NEVER WATCH BETA WITH THE STEPDAD! THAT’S SICK!!! AND I TRUSTED YOU!

NEVER EVER CLEAN THE ATTIC!  THAT IS NOT FOR ME!

Don’t become a victim and know the signs people!

 

Best video ever.

ELVI!

 

 

May 18, 2008

The Witticism is Back! I feel like Shakespeare, I could write a sonnet! PORN! PORN! PORN!

Comment and subscribe to his channel please! It’s funny cause he’s racist!

ANDREW!

The Guide to Hating Your Spurs

Now, the San Antonio Spurs are the least fun to hate dynasty in Sports. It’s true. Look at them compared to a team like the Dallas Cowboys. Dallas is like a Star Wars prequel. You have an underperforming Golden Boy in Tony Romo Skywalker, a guy who fails in the clutch like Mace Windu Owens, and Adam Pac-Man Jones is like so many Lando Calrissians.


I A’INT GONNA BE IN YOUR GOT DAMN PREQUEL!

But we at the Grand National Championships say we will find good reasons to hate your San Antonio Spurs. Some of them are obvious. (OVER MY DEAD BODY!) Some of them, might surprise you. We will work in Alphabetical Order, if only to build up suspense.


BRENT BARRY (G/F)

With his slam-dunk championship in 1996, Brent Barry effectively killed the slam dunk championship as real NBA entertainment. He also carried this championship and the one time he led the league in three point field-goal percentage into being highly overrated. He really is just a giant Eddie House. And specific motherufckers like that should not have five playoff teams sniffing around him. 

 
MATT BONNER (F)

Nickname: Red Rocket


BRUCE BOWEN (F)

Bruce Bowen would not be in the league except for the fact he mauls whom he tasked to defend. He will go all Bruce Lee on a superstar if it’s going to help. Ask Chris Paul or Steve Nash what his denfense entails. In prison, they would call it a tender love story.


TIM DUNCAN (F/C)

Tim Duncan has never committed a foul. Ever. He will let you know this in the most vociferous terms. A foul to him is like sex with a slumpbuster.

True Story: Tim Duncan once was thrown out of a foot locker after an employee called him on bumping into him by the Air Force Ones.


MICHAEL FINLEY (G/F)

Appeared in Like Mike, Punk’d, Quite Frankly with Steven A. Smith, and The Apprentice. Need I say more? 


MANU GINOBILI (SG)

Those who have played with Ginobili in the Italian Leagues know that beyond his Duncanesque inability to accept a foul call and his Bowenesque mauling of offensive players, he is not at his most dangerous on the court. He was at his best on the road trips, hitting on anything that moves.

From this…

To this…


ROBERT HORRY (F)

For somebody so well-known, he really does nothing of value for the 82-game season and about 47 minutes and 30 seconds of playoff games. He used to be the Nate Dogg that brought #1 jams to everybody from Warren G to Eminem. Now? He’s nothing more than Bruce Bowen’s tag team partner in the three time AWA Tag Team Championship winning team of Bad Company.


“Cheap shots and heel tactics for everybody!” Says Horry.


IAN MAHINMI (C)

Does not use his Frenchness to fight crime. He’s in the D-League, what else is there for him to do?


Mahinmi would fit right in.


FABRICIO OBERTO (C)

Crazy enough to assume that people would want Fabricio Oberto widgets for their social networking homepages and text alerts to their cell phones. He holds meetings for the Obertons, the Fabricio Oberto fan club, and there is no promised punch or pie. Also, his beef jerky is terrible.


TONY PARKER (G)

There is a voluminous array of reasons to hate on Tony Parker (from his flopping to his sexing of the Queen of the Harpies), but if I am going to go in greater detail? I was told it would be over her dead body…

And seeing as she’s too smart for any of my deathtraps, (or I’m too lazy to work on one,) I’ll just leave you with this. Watch and feel the hate flow.


DAMON STOUDAMIRE (G)

Corrupted by the influence of the Jail Blazers. In Toronto? He was going to be the next great point guard. But he went from Mighty Mouse to the master of the giggling green. He wasted his skills just because he wanted to go deeper with the taste of a convenience store chicken ‘n’ swiss.


KURT THOMAS (F/C)

Here’s the thing. He’s a hard worker. He plays with high energy. He’s been on many teams, but they’ve always wanted him. He works with charities and he will play hurt.

But point of fact? His favorite book is Waiting to Exhale. Seriously.


IME UDOKA (F)

Has one of the least accurate fake MySpace profiles of all time. Also? Bruce Bowen has taken him under his wing. Hate him for that if nothing else.


JACQUE VAUGHN (G)

An excellent academic. A renaissance man who lists Sylvia Plath among his favorite authors. But as floppers go? He rates as a negative 8 on the Duke University flop scale. Please do enjoy.

This is your NBA dynasty. A bunch of addicts, cheap shot artists, floppers, punks, and wannabes. They’ve brought the game back into the dark ages.

I’m not writing this as a fan of the NOOCH. I’m writing this because this team has got to be stopped. I don’t care if it gives Kobe another ring. I don’t even care if it allows Boston fans to act like D-Bags.

The Spurs are all that is wrong with the on-court game of basketball. We can fade a lesser evil.

 

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