In Which I Preview Every Major Free Agent

Okay, we all know what Free Darko did with a preview of every NBA Player out there doing his NBA thing. This is an homage. This is something less ambitious and probably less deft than what Free Darko did.

But they have a book deal, I’m barely interested in advertising for this site. And I know baseball better than I know hoop. I drafted this Josh Smith character round two in Fantasy Hoops and I still don’t know who he is.

Notes: The Number in Parentisis is Age. The list, with best guesses for option years is cribbed from MLB Trade Rumors. NT=Non Tendered Free Agent

Catchers
Michael Barrett (31) Will be punched upon his return to Chicago.
Ramon Castro (32) Mike Rivera will attempt to kill him in an homage to Single White Female.
Jason Kendall (34) Had his own personal tech bubble go burst in his ankle.  
Paul Lo Duca (36) Will administer misery upon everone he sees after he takes a lesser deal. Will bat .533 in Spring Training.
Jorge Posada (36) Will miss having Tim Gunn as his wingman more than he’ll ever know.
Jose Molina (33) Will go on a hunting trip with Yadier and Bengie. None will return. One week later, a Japanese ghost will be found.
Yorvit Torrealba (30) His strong arm and good game calling will not save him from the Hell of leaving the Rockies.

First basemen
Sean Casey (34) Will find the schtick that was so cute long ago has worn thin.
Tony Clark (36) Reminds everyone that he was once the #2 pick in the Draft.
Darin Erstad (34) Chuck Klosterman will fight to keep him in the league.
Scott Hatteberg (38) Billy Beane does not return his calls.
Ryan Klesko (37) Has not checked the children. And the call is coming from inside the house! OH NOES!
Doug Mientkiewicz (34) Keeps rereading his sections in the Sam Walker book “Fantasyland.”

Second basemen
Luis Castillo (32) He needs to hit .330 to have value.
Marcus Giles (30) Will be a butler to a rich English family in the BBC’S hilarious send up of the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”
Tadahito Iguchi (33) Really misses Shingo Takatsu.
Mark Loretta (37) Has no use for these proceedings.
Kaz Matsui (32) Is still confused as to why the kid from Growing Pains hasn’t saved the world yet.
Jose Valentin (38) The stealthy play for someone who needs a third baseman.

Shortstops
David Eckstein (33) Loves the fact that he is white.
Cesar Izturis (28) Will grab your taint for league minimum.
Alexei Ramirez (26) Is really 47 years old.
Juan Uribe (29) Will punch Michael Barrett upon his return to Chicago.
Omar Vizquel (41) Does not know about his name drop on the Simpsons.

Third basemen
Pedro Feliz (33) The luckiest boy in free agency land.
Mike Lamb (32) Loves the Gyros. Truly, he like-a the juice.
Mike Lowell (34) Will make 20 million dollars more thanks to Scott Boras’ showstealing.
Alex Rodriguez (32) Demands Don Cheadle voiceovers every time he has to talk.

Left fielders
Barry Bonds (43) [Reference to drug use and general unlikability.]
Cliff Floyd (35) As the man said, you can’t go home again.
Luis Gonzalez (40) Back in his day he walked uphill both ways to batting practice, and 15 home runs were tremendous! SPECTACULAR!
Geoff Jenkins (33) If Trot Nixon kind of looked like Brett Favre…
Reggie Sanders (40) America’s Next Top Black Republican.
Shannon Stewart (34) A cautionary tale for Vernon Wells.
Brad Wilkerson (31) Al’s Ramblings choice for a stopgap replacement for your Milwaukee Brewers.

Center fielders
Mike Cameron (35) Even with the PED suspension, the 4th stupidest Center fielder available.
Torii Hunter (32) Will creepily tongue kiss Alex Rodriguez for allwoing him to play close to home in Arlington.
Andruw Jones (31) Will have a huge bounce back year justifying the smaller big contract. Scott Boras will eat bone marrow out of Mark Prior’s arm in frustration.
Kenny Lofton (41) Will sign with a losing playoff team for a one year deal.
Corey Patterson (28) Reads “#1 Prospect 2001, 2002” on his business card.
Aaron Rowand (30) Not worth the money he’s going to get.

Right fielders
Milton Bradley (30) He’ll be coming back next year.
Kosuke Fukudome (31) Has his own tribute band.
Shawn Green (35) Jewish. And yet he is nowhere near excited about Bee Movie as the chosen people are expected to be.
Jose Guillen (32) About to find himself in a hilarious romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore.
Trot Nixon (34) Geoff Jenkins with a southern fried Boston accent.

DHs
Mike Piazza (39) Bravely wore a mustache in the mid-1990’s at the Mustache’s nadir.
Sammy Sosa (39) Will likely be the unintelligible ESPN Baseball Analyst. Sorry Eduardo Perez!
Mike Sweeney (34) The tragic hero of Major League Baseball.

Yeah. You need a break. I shall provide you solace. As well as a pretty girl doing stuff.

Yep. There we go. A sorbet to clear the palate. ON TO PITCHING!

Starting pitchers
Tony Armas (30) In a world where the elite play dice with the universe, only one man fights for you. That man is Tony Armas.
Kris Benson (33) [Reference to the attractiveness of his wife].
Paul Byrd (37) Apparently Jesus loves a lying drug user.
Shawn Chacon (30) Holds the record for most saves with a 7+ ERA in a single season.
Roger Clemens (46) Will feign a hamstring injury to get out of the act of lovemaking.
Matt Clement (33) The ballast of the Boston Red Sox. He’s a rich man’s Jamey Wright.
Bartolo Colon (35) Went to 30 Taco Bells in the greater Los Angeles area on October 30th. He loves his tacos.
Josh Fogg (31) Really loves the music of Mel Torme.
Casey Fossum (30) Has a crippling addiction to Soma.
Freddy Garcia (32) Can’t look himself in the mirror.
Tom Glavine (42) The last of the Red Hot 300 Game Winner Bombshells.
Livan Hernandez (33) Is voting for Stephen Colbert in the primaries.
Jason Jennings (29) Finds Top Ten Lists the Lowest form of communication if your name is not David Letterman.
Byung-Hyun Kim (29) Million dollar arm, seven cent head.
Brian Lawrence (32) He’s the Dollar Tree Jon Leiber.
Jon Lieber (38) He is Bob Tewksbury for a new generation!
Kyle Lohse (29) Calls Jeff Suppan for advice on being a mediocre pitcher demanding 8 figures per year.
Rodrigo Lopez (32) He is the inspiration for the man known throught Mexcio as El Dandy.
Eric Milton (32) They say it’s a hopeless fight, but he says he has to try.
Tomo Ohka (32) Has not seen one episode of Cautionary Tales of Swords.
Russ Ortiz (34) Will have to pay a team two million dollars for a spot on the 40-man roster.
Odalis Perez (31) The greatest non-roster invitee you will ever see.
Kenny Rogers (43) Will punch you if you offer him chicken. Or film him. Or if you’re at arms length. He’s really an ass.
Curt Schilling (41) The fans of his 13th free agent choice are overjoyed to even be mentioned. Seriously. They have no dignity.
Carlos Silva (29) He will flee to South Africa after a slow start. 
Julian Tavarez (35) Will fight a baby and lose.
John Thomson (34) The Division Three Linfield Tigers basketball team has a standing offer for him to coach.
Brett Tomko (35) Once traded between two fantasy baseball players 12 times.
Steve Trachsel (37) Ugly. Mean. Slow. If he couldn’t pitch, he’d be working at Burger King.
Jeff Weaver (31) Will retire to become the next Christopher Cross.
David Wells (45) Will retire to the Independent Nation of Buckfalls Ranch.
Kip Wells (31) Is gifted with the greatest gift of all. Delusion.
Randy Wolf (31) The greatest professional player in MTV Rock and Jock history.
Jamey Wright (34) Pitches like a man who has sex with Misty Mundae on the side.
Jaret Wright (32) His elbow fell off. Forget about him.
Mike Maroth (NT) He’s lefthanded. Apparently that’s valuable.
Mark Prior (NT) Busy providing Scott Boras what he needs to survive.

Closers
Armando Benitez (35) Is a lot scarier before you get to know him.
Francisco Cordero (33) He will disappoint at 4 years and 44 million.
Eric Gagne (32) Wishes for a smaller market so he can smoke his hookah in piece.
Todd Jones (40) For someone who hates the gays, he has the mustache of someone whom knows the restroom code. LARRY CRAIG!
Mariano Rivera (38) Will sign with the Colorado Rockies in an upset.
Bob Wickman (39) Enjoys butter fried butter.

Middle relievers
Jeremy Affeldt (29) Remarkable, he has not felt a boob. The Dugout lies here.
Antonio Alfonseca (36) Curses the lack of convenient taco bells in the greater Philadelphia area.
LaTroy Hawkins (35) He is a random mediocre middle reliever. Also, he’s a shapeshifter.
Jorge Julio (29) The Dominican Byung Hyun-Kim
Joe Kennedy (29) An underrated lefthanded swingman option.
Scott Linebrink (31) Dominant in 2005 and 2006. The “LOST” of baseball players.
Troy Percival (39) Goes after all nerds with a violent fury.
David Riske (31) Owes Jaime Walker for his pioneering middle relief work.
Mike Timlin (42) Regrets not being around for the majestry of RBI Baseball.
Luis Vizcaino (31) Won a radar gunoff versus Kyle Farnsworth.
Kerry Wood (31) Will still look like the drummer from the Offspring.
Eddie Guardado (NT) Once upon a time, this man was what was right with the world. Now, he is merely filler.

See, there you go. Now you know that if you sign Luis Vizcaino, he has a power arm. Or Marcus Giles will be the next Ricky Gervais. I have done a service here.

You’re welcome.