So I read Kevin Hart’s sad, pathetic tale.

And it got me thinking. As a man with no formal experience who’s been substitute teaching on nothing more than a college degree and moxie, I am one who is living a lie on those days when I don’t have OTHER JOB. And I am a man who likes to share what he knows in his areas of expertise.

And if you’re going to be trying to bluff your way into a career? Let me be your guide.

Step 1) Dream Medium.

Kevin Hart’s biggest mistake was going for schools with a high football pedigree. At certain points in the year, we compared his two choices to The Incredible Hulk and The Clash. Those are pop culture bonafides of the highest order. People care who they are recruiting.

If you want to make people believe your story. Dream medium. Instead of Cal, how about San Jose State. Instead of Oregon, how about Idaho? If you want to play Division 1-A football, there are 120 choices. You can get a lot of mileage by saying you’re going to Baylor if you really want to.

Step 2) Don’t Draw Attention To Yourself.

You have to keep your head down in matters such as this. All you really need is a photo of you signing a letter of intent with a parent, an assistant coach, and some random guy in a suit. The guy can be a hobo. The suit can be from Goodwill. But you do not need a pep rally. This is not the homecoming game versus your crosstown rival. Local boy can make good in a newsbrief just fine thank you.

Step 3) Use your newfound fame sparingly.

Now this is not a way for you to mail in your Senior year. Do not use this for pity A’s from your coach cum History teacher. This is all about one thing and one thing only. And you know what I am talking about.

Yeah you do.

But if the bluff gets called, and the chips are down. You may find yourself staring down the barrel of a terrible lie. You may want to confess. You may want to come clean on matters such as these.

Don’t. I have a step four that is your all purpose break glass in case of emergency step.

Step 4) “The Horrendous Accident.”

On Friday? You’re completely healthy. On Monday? You’re sporting a leg brace and walking in crutches. What happened? Someone may ask. Here’s all you have to say. Fill in as follows.

I was (location/activity) when I (hit an obstacle/drunken pratfall) and I tore my ACL.

They’ll ask “Are you going to lose your scholarship?” or some such nonsense, and you’ll shake your head sadly, and say yes. They’ll say “Poor guy.” And you’ll be a tragic hero.

And if you’re thinking, “but Andrew? I am an athlete because I’m dumb, right? That’s too much work.” I have a mantra that is simple, easily repeatable, and will get you off the hook.

“I fell down the stairs!” And then wait for their response, then say “I don’t want to talk about it.” And amble on crtuchward.

This might lead to either one or both of your parents being investigated for child abuse, but you’re off the hook for the big lie.

And that’s what’s important, right?

You’re welcome,

Andrew