The Grand National Championships

March 14, 2008

Confessions of an ex-Costashead.

 

So what do I think of Bob Costas and his original opinion about bloggers?

Betrayal. Arnold to America, Brutus to Ceasar, Clinton to Democracy, now Costas to me. Time has taken its toll on Robert Quinlan “Bob” Costas. Can Costas beat back father time and become something more than an egomaniacal joke? The answer lies ahead in what many are calling the last stand of the King of Doucheville.

And that’s all you need to know.

November 30, 2007

LOLOLOLZ IT’S TEH INTERWEBS AND IT’S TOO SOON TO BE NOW!

So we all had our little moment of outrage over Lori Drew driving her neighbor’s daughter to kill herself, right? I mean really. It’s been less then a week, a story like that can’t have any resonance in this 24 hour news cycle, add an s to any singular noun without a plural counterpart, video blogging is the wave of the future world. It’s time to laugh again! 

And aren’t we glad that some enterprising asshole decided that they were going to step in and fill that void? Aren’t we glad that we can still laugh like the unremorseful Mrs. Drew? It’s time for America to heal.  

http://meganhaditcoming.blogspot.com/

Here’s the goddamn problem. We’ve become a nation of “Too Soon?” Seriously. Some child who is having a rough go of it in the real world gets a sick joke played on them by someone who clearly does not have the mental faculty to know that people actually take what’s on the internet as fact. And this asshole calling themselves Kristin makes a troll blog.

I know, part of the problem by linking the thing but still. This is OMG LOL A 13-YEAR OLD KILLED HERSELF, I’M A GONNA CALL HER A BITCH! WATCH! LOOKIT ME I’M JERRY THE KING LOLLER!  

Yeah. Whee. You’re a regular Bill Hicks, aren’t ya? Trolling the internet like a 27 year old Webcam girl for attention and fame.

Yes. You win at the internets. You win because you got me to link to your site like an idiot. You got me because I would be willing to bet that an Evangelical Christian Sized plurality of the internets wish they thought of this first.

(Just because you might not doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Lot of people in this interburg.)

Man, and all I wanted to be pissed off about today was the Brewers potentially giving David Riske four years and 19 million dollars. But you people that think asshole equals funny just had to go and get me riled up.

November 28, 2007

This is why I hate Boston Sports Fans.

I write for Epic Carnival. You know this. I’ve sent you there once or twice. But I have to call out one of my “teammates.”

No Elvi, it’s not one you’re thinking. It’s Brian Foley. He is from the Northeast. He is a Patriots fan. He wrote the whiniest, everybody’s against my team post, ever.

Ever.

You want a choice cut so you can avoid the link? How’s this?!

  • If the NFL wanted the Patriots to change the playing surface at Gillette Stadium then the Pittsburgh Steelers should be forced to do the same. (Because a bureaucracy such as the NFL moves at Lightning Speed! Remember how long it took for the NFL to do anything with Vick? No? Figured.)
  • This bias against the Patriots continued during the 2007 season when the Patriots were docked their 2008 first round pick after getting caught videotaping the opponents coaches from the sidelines. (Because they were dumb enough to get caught, and you notice they didn’t go for the team that was .500 at the time? They could have forced them to give the rights of the 49ers Pick. You know this.)
  • Why was NBC getting such great audio of Tom Brady at the line on Sunday night? Was it because NBC wanted to make sure that every team in the league could hear Brady’s audible signals? (This one is really stupid. I need a paragraph break.)
  • (Wow. Really? The team that they went to for their first flex game? That was against the Bills? Who did not have their one offensive threat healthy? Where Al Michaels was cracking wise on the premise that they were running up the score? You missed that game? Or were you still too busy bitching that the refs were going after your team in Indy? Yeah. You probably were. Because every professional ever hates your team like they were a Jets fan. Right…)

Look. I’m not going to go all KSK and offer twenty bucks to break the guy’s fingers or anything. But the matter of the fact is that a dominant team is good for any sport. How many of us loved hoop when it was in the era of the Jordan rules?

And if you want to talk conspiracy theory, your default sports conspiracy is that the superstars get protected. So too your scrappy white guys. The Massholes have both in scads. (WELKAH!)

You’re rooting for an awesome team. Even the haters cannot deny. We’re resigned to the fact that 16-0 is a probability. We’re even steeling ourselves for a 19-0 season. It’s okay.

But when fans of a good team start whining, they deserve to get called out.

SCOTT ZOLAK’S NOT YOUR WHEELMAN ANYMORE DUMBASS!

ANDREW!

November 21, 2007

On Kendall and me being bamboozled.

I read Brew Crew Ball. It’s leading me to believe that Mat Gamel is going to be a top prospect coming down the pike, and Adam Pettyjohn is actually pitching well in winterball. Take that for what it is, whatever. That’s w

So when this roguejim character is all, hey look, Kendall got signed for 4 years and 30 million dollars! I did three things wrong there.

1) I did not click the joke link. Bad move by the kid.

2) I got the years wrong. Worse move by the kid.

3) I blogged about it. That was the worst decision.

Kendall got signed. It’s more likely for a one-year stopgap. I’d still rather have Estrada than Kendall/Mota. But it’s not likely Kendall’s going to lose his one skill that he still has for another season down the line.

But I still stand by my swear-filled final paragraph. Jason Kendall does not make me happy. I would much rather have a dick like Paul LoDuca than Kendall.

Even if…

kendall.jpg
[Babes Love Baseball has shown me a photo that I am going to recycle for a good 10 Months because I expect a bad season by Jason Kendall. The least you could do is click the links to them. Click the links ten times.]

August 21, 2007

I Have Seen Exactly 75 Minutes of Survivor

Inspiration strikes in the strangest places, but get this.

I have seen about 1.25 Episodes of Survivor. Don’t ask me why? I just have. But this year, there are two contestants in Survivor:China that I’ve heard of.

Analysis and Photos come thusly.

The First one is WWE Diva Ashley Massaro. Ashley’s one of those Manager/Wrestler types, and she’s reasonably good at what she does. In that she doesn’t make you feel like you’re losing brain cells by watching. But can she win?

Sadly, no. She’s been on TV once a week for a long time. She might go on a little bit of a run, if only because…

She’s easy on the eyes. However, she’s had a lot more exposure than a lot of the other contenders, both figuratively and…

So if the other players are smart? They will ally against this superstar. She may make the final four, but she will not win.

One for the road!

The other one is Poker Player/Hustler (Fingers in many pies version) Jean-Robert Bellande. He has had several TV appearances where he has come off quite well. And by that I mean ESPN kept his camera on him because he’s a loudmouth d-bag.

But if you think that only adds to his strength? You’re right. The only thing he has against him is his size. Jean-Robert’s built like a Defensive End. It can work against him in a situation like this.

But if he’s not the betting line favorite? He should be. Douchebags always do well in these things.

Pretty Girl Doin’ Stuff!

August 20, 2007

So Michael Vick pled out.

Reactions? If he was innocent, odds are he’s wouldn’t have pled out. And by odds are, I’d say there would have been a five percent chance.

Can I start watching TV again? Yes. After sentencing, and if your football team doesn’t play the Falcons. Why? Because Joey Harrington, for a football player, rocks the party at Ms. Pac-Man.

They will miss Michael Vick.

Will he play again? It depends on the sentence. If he comes back and he’s super fucking repentant, yeah. And 18 months means he’ll miss two seasons, but consider how many teams get desperate for a quarterback with talent. Lawrence Phillips got three chances. Randy Moss went to three colleges. Michael Vick, despite this stupid assholerics, had himself a clean record.

But he could miss three or four seasons. If he does? He’s done. 

Will he get suspended? Probably not. Roger Goodell’s proven to be chock full of double standard for the good players and the superstars. He did not come off well here.

In conclusion. Michael Vick’s company that he keeps will leave him known as at the absolute least, a really, really, stupid motherfucker. The Falcons? Racing Tampa for the rights to Andre Woodson. Roger Goodell? Will let superstars slide.

It’s a bad thing for the NFL.

August 19, 2007

I know it sounds completely crazy…

But Chris Capuano has an evil twin. Really. He is Casey Capuano. Whereas Chris went to Duke, Casey went to Rhode Island Community College. Whereas Chris was an 8th Round Pick. Carey got cut from the Long Island Ducks.

But the Young and the Restless changed everything. After the press release? Carey found Chris. And after a vicious assault, Chris found himself living in a Segway case. And Carey’s got his big chance.

He has blown each and every start. Carey Capuano is melting down and he has helped to take the Milwaukee Brewers with him. And if you think I’m crazy, how else do you explain the split?

Pre-YATR Press Release: 5-0 2.31 ERA 39 IP 14 BB 31 K 31 H
Post-YATR Press Release: 0-10 6.70 ERA 86 IP 34 BB 82 K 110 H

Carey Capuano has shattered my dreams!

June 19, 2007

Wow. Just wow.

Friendly blog syndaquaintences The Big Lead have found something at once beautiful and profane. Those of you in the blogosphere and on the world wide web know the story of one Elijah Dukes. 

But how many of you heard this

The backstory: Mrs. Elijah Dukes, the one dead that for which Elijah was not bullshitting, called into this Florida radio station, telling her side of the affair du I’m not bullshitting.

Elijah called for his side of this story. His angry, angry side. I know it makes Artest’s brand of Crazy look Manny-esque. But wow. I honestly feel that whatever he’s fighting is only going to consume him.

Man, I’m not supposed to feel pity. I blog. Everything’s supposed to suck and be funny. But it isn’t.

Thanks a lot Big Lead.

June 18, 2007

And with this, Warren G. Harding fades into mere historical footnote…

Filed under: Bullshit,Douchebaggery,in a hellhole,Political Mainlining,Taint — by Andrew @ 10:24 pm

Because we now have the worst president in history.

If it’s Monday, the Republican’s pervasive sense of motherfucking evil mutates for yet another scandal on the wire. From Justice to Iraq to Wiretapping, now it’s disappearing e-mails. Smoking gun, politicized e-mails.

There has been extensive destruction of the e-mails of White House officials by the RNC. Of the 88 White House officials who received RNC e-mail accounts, the RNC has preserved no e-mails for 51 officials. In a deposition, Susan Ralston, Mr. Rove’s former executive assistant, testified that many of the White House officials for whom the RNC has no e-mail records were regular users of their RNC e-mail accounts. Although the RNC has preserved no e-mail records for Ken Mehlman, the former Director of Political Affairs, Ms. Ralston testified that Mr. Mehlman used his account “frequently, daily.” In addition, there are major gaps in the e-mail records of the 37 White House officials for whom the RNC did preserve e-mails. The RNC has preserved only 130 e-mails sent to Mr. Rove during President Bush’s first term and no e-mails sent by Mr. Rove prior to November 2003. For many other White House officials, the RNC has no e-mails from before the fall of 2006.

There is evidence that the Office of White House Counsel under Alberto Gonzales may have known that White House officials were using RNC e-mail accounts for official business, but took no action to preserve these presidential records. In her deposition, Ms. Ralston testified that she searched Mr. Rove’s RNC e-mail account in response to an Enron-related investigation in 2001 and the investigation of Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald later in the Administration. According to Ms. Ralston, the White House Counsel’s office knew about these e-mails because “all of the documents we collected were then turned over to the White House Counsel’s office.” There is no evidence, however, that White House Counsel Gonzales initiated any action to ensure the preservation of the e-mail records that were destroyed by the RNC.

Why? Because they wanted a permanent majority by any means necessary. Karl Rove had leadership breakfasts for that express purpose.

And if the Democrats had any sort of balls. If they had any courage whatsoever. They would j’acuse Impeachment! Or at the very least go Ken Starr on their ass.

But yet, no. No balls. No courage. And until Cheney actually kills a guy, (And who says he hasn’t?)  we will be stuck with going “Aw…aw come on!”

It’s a bad time to be a political junkie. All the fixes are weak-sauced.

June 17, 2007

I am glad to meet you, I am glad to greet you!

Jason Giambi, also known as Bud Selig’s punching bag, may in fact testify!

Not even a killer moustache can save Giambi now!  I really doubt that him testifying is going to help weed out the steroid users in baseball.  If anything they’re just going to keep quiet until after they’re in the hall and even then they may never talk.  Giambi is Selig’s new punch pillow because he doesn’t want to be known as the commisioner who let steroids get by his watchful eye. 

If you really want my opinion, Selig’s just doing this because he ran out of medicine that makes your wang stand tall.

Elvi! 

P.S.
I WANT YOU TO HELP ME WRITE JOKES!

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