The Grand National Championships

August 28, 2009

Hey Michael Crabtree?


Casting a wary eye toward the future.

You don’t know me. You don’t have to listen to me. But in the days and nights that followed the crazy between when you went guns up on Texas and got passed by my local sports team I’ve became a fan of your game. I didn’t even mind the rumors of you acting a fool at the draft.

But you’re being dumb. You’re in the wrong sport to be asking for a unicorn. I mean you’re not asking for a unicorn, but a football team isn’t going to go above slot for you like you’re some baseball phenom with signability issues. That’s why a football player gets that endorsement deal.

I mean, you must take come comfort in your money from EA Sports for NCAA 10, yeah?

It’s not as if you didn’t try and make some magic. You got the right guy to get you money if you were a top 3 pick. But you weren’t. So you’ve got to man up. You sit out a year? The precedent is Mike Williams. Everybody is going to compare you to Mike Williams. You’ll be picked in the mid-twenties because of it. No rookies in the mid-twenties gets to do commercials for Subway.

I know wide receivers get to act the fool and have no one care. But you know what? You aren’t there yet. Even Keyshawn had 8 td’s as a rookie before he ghostwrote his screed toward the organization that dared want his services. And if this is something else altogether toward the city of San Fransisco? Let me just say you’ve got nothing to worry about.

They’re not going to make you live in the Castro. You aren’t gonna have to live in the city of the gays if you don’t want to. What with 10th pick money and the massive amount of forclosures in California? You can get a House and build a gay moat to keep all the Socalists and Hippies who want you to gay marry out of your life.

But it’s not going to happen until you sign.

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