The Grand National Championships

July 7, 2009

Now we all know that an original name for Pearl Jam…

Was solid if unspectacular point guard Mookie Blaylock. And we all know that Gnarls Barkley is a play on the great rancontuer/power forward Charles Barkley. But did you know that 1990’s female alternafunk pop quartet Luscious Jackson was named after mid-60’s back-up center Lucious Jackson?

It’s true! So that’s why I’m here. I like music. I like basketball. And I see a trend, so bands. Read up. Give me a random basketballer and I can tell you where you want to go.

This is useless talent #43.

Hey parents! Are you looking to score a quick book off of your daughter’s good looks and marginally talented voice? Then you need to look toward a failed first round draft choice. Acie Earl may have been a failure in Boston, but your little Acie Earl? She’s got a future.

Robin Sparkles
And the new improved Acie Earl would have the mall pop influence that would allow her to shoot to the top for a week.

Danny Granger

If you’re going to name a band after Danny Granger, you’re going to go after a band of loyal followers. This will at once make you successful and indie. For the life of a jam band gets repetitive quickly. And anyone else who might be interested cannot bring themselves to listen causually for if you are a fan of Danny Granger? You are a douchington.

paul pierce

If you name your band Paul Pierce, you’re a conflicted soul. You want to rock out with your cock out. But you can’t. Your skills are smoother than that. You will be influenced by the greats of the lite rock. Your Seals and Crofts and your Michael McDonald. But, a protip for you? You will get all the ladies when you do a cover of Sarah Smile.

Michael Ruffin

If you want to be a punk outfit who eschews the poppier aspects of your Sum 41’s and the emo aspects of a My Chemical Romance? Michael Ruffin is the only name for your power trio. But what seperates Michael Ruffin from your standard three chord speed burners is more of a Bad Brainsish Jah influence to their sound.

shawn kemp

Question? Why is it that most start their attempts at rocking? Answer? To get the sex. So why not make it obvious? Your music is designed to get the ladies, yes? Make your avatar the most mighty at generating a new generation of giant man-children. Shawn Kemp is for the new would be Motley Crue’s

dj mbenga

I know what you’re thinking, DJ Mbenga is made for Techno. You would be wrong. DJ Mbenga needs an MC to make himself more than someone who gets Burning Man garbage time. DJ Mbenga needs to drop beats for someone to rap about how Parents just don’t understand and horror movies are scary. He also needs a gif of him being thrown out of an opulent Bel-Air Mansion.

von wafer

The Best Death Metal Comes Out of Iceland. Now I’m not sure just how big basketball is in Iceland, but hear me out. I want you to find your lowest register. The most gluttural you can speak. Got there? Good. Now yell out, “We Are, VON WAFER!”

That’s pure Metal.

acie law IV

Now there are subtle differences here between NBA Acie’s. I made an aforementioning of Acie Earl as a Mall Pop songstress. But Acie Law? Acie Law is influenced by the early X. It’s more of a punk outfit, but it’s Punk influenced by Rockabilly and the Blues. It’s a manic indie sensation that does not hold up under the scrutiny of the big record deal. Name your band after Acie Law? You must not sell out.

Now DeShawn Stevenson is someone who rolls with Soulja Boy and has the reputation of a foolish youngblood. If you must name your group after DeShawn Stevenson, you must miss this point entirely. DeShawn Stevenson must have a sensitive, souful streak of a young John Maier and the smoothness of Usher. Luther Campbellish behavior doesn’t work here.

If I write a closing paragraph on this, I will ruin the awesome that has spewed before you. So I will just bid you adieu. If you wish to leave a comment? I will try to bring music to each player.

But I got to go.


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