The Grand National Championships

September 22, 2008

It’s Always Sunny In Heismandelphia

It’s a breakneck world in college football. You have the wacky misadventures of conferences falling on their faces. You have the Electric Dream Machines of your USC and Oklahoma. And you have your Fatty McGoo’s taking on your Aluminum Monsters. So? You want to know who’s the master of karate and friendship for Heismankind?

Follow me.

Todd Boeckman is Rickety Cricket

Was it really that long ago that he was a man of the cloth? A mid-round prospect, the starting quarterback on a conference champion? A BCS participant? But in a short time he lost a million dollars and his job. At this point? He’s nothing more than a street rat whom Terrelle Pryor just Gorilla Masked.

Rudy Carpenter is Dennis R. Reynolds

Once upon a time, he was one of the beautiful people. He still believes in his divinity, but the fact remains that his inability to handle a great pass rush means he just doesn’t have it. There are some who still want him, even despite his current status. (Sam Keller is the Waitress?) But the fact of the matter is, no matter how many times he takes his shirt off? You still don’t want him.

Sam Bradford is DeAndra “Sweet Dee” Reynolds

The history of the modern Oklahoma quarterback is much like the history of the modern comedienne. Some are misused, some are overrated, and some do anything for the money. (Rhett Bomar is Bonnie Hunt?) Bradford is the exception. Like Sweet Dee, he may fly under the radar, but the fact is, his monster is an Aluminum Monster. He’s well protected, and nobody’s gonna waterboard him.

Tim Tebow is Frank Reynolds

A superflouous addition to the proceedings? Perhaps. But without him? The SEC, as well as Paddy’s would be nowhere near as awesome. And like Frank Reynolds, he did not truly find himself until he was in Vietnam. So long as he invests his money wisely, he can become an insane 5’2″ bespectacled bald man who lives with an idiot savant.

Chase Daniel is Mac

The Brains behind the operation, Mac is an active force for the workers at Paddy’s Bar. And as the front man, he does get a certain amount of respect. That being said? His operation is nothing without his supporting cast. Chase may be Rob McElhenney, but Chase Coffman is Glenn Howerton and Jeremy Maclin is Charlie Day. He would not be nearly as cool without the system he’s in. That and he’s dating a tranny.


Knowshon Moreno is Charlie Kelly

For many, latching on to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia comes from a Charlie moment. Whether pounding faces into jelly, kicking a little ass for the USA, or discovering the master of karate and friendship for everyone with Dennis? Charlie is a character who steals shows in actions and phrases. So too? Knowshon Moreno. All he does is bring awesome to the table.

He’s chopping all his action and mostly power.

And he calls this one, wild card bitches!!



1 Comment »

  1. this is fricking awesome.
    you rule.

    Comment by Anonymous — February 6, 2009 @ 7:50 am |Reply

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