The Grand National Championships

August 12, 2008

Advice to the Tampa Bay Fan…

Hey there Rays fan. Feelin’ blue? I’ve been there. My baseball team had a similar experience in 2007. It shocked the world for four months. And it was at its best without young studs Ryan Braun and Yovani Gallardo.

But alas, the 300 million dollars the Cubs spent coalesced into a team that was above marginal, and several Brewers fell back to earth. We had a taste of the sweet life. And we had it slapped out of our hands.

And you know what? The Cubs looked better than the Brewers when the season started this year. And after Gallardo tore his knee up? I admittedly gave the division up. Ask Elvi. Or OMDQ.

So you know what this means? I’ve been where you are. The furtive glances. The pensive excitement. Living and dying day to day for the playoff run. Gnashing and wailing as our stars get injured.

And you know what? I know what Carl Crawford and Evan Longoria hitting the disabled list means. I know how you’re in a bad place right now. If this be the end of the magic of the Rays? As a Brewer fan? I will tell you how to cope.

Step 1? Engage your basest vices.

Put it simply? Do the smallest thing that makes you happy. If it involves drunkenness? Go for it! If it involves an attractive person and various brushes, fingers, hands, or vegetables? Mazel tov!

I shall put a picture here befitting our major demographic for this purpose. Because we’re helpful.

Step 2? Hire Sinbad!

If a major league baseball team is feeling town? They find somebody to lighten the mood and make with the comedy. Now, you are not baseballers with the resources to hire someone like Steve Schrippa or Roger McDowell. You are fans. But that doesn’t mean you’re stuck with mere Jollytologists or bargains like Alan Page.

You’ve got to live a little. You’ve got to spend some money. And you don’t need to pay for Jessica Simspon either. Sinbad is the sweet spot in terms of cost to benefit analysis. And he’ll even let you play Paul Blake to his Andre Krimm!

Take it from us! A part-ay with Sinbad is something unforgettable!

Step 3? Let other sports wash over you.

Now, you have a strong football team in Tampa. It has the look of a team on the way up. So long as the veterans stay strong? You have a distraction. Playoff teams in other sports? They are medicinal. Flat out.

And I don’t think South Florida’s got the swagger to be dominant. Just saying.

Step 4? Irrationally fear a slow start.

You’re in a division where there are two teams that will pay any amount of money for anybody. And you will be stuck trying to make savvy plays in the bargain bin. And you may end up with Eric Gagne in your patchwork bullpen. (Sorry.)

You may be in the middle of May, 18-24, with rumors of a shake-up happening. Don’t worry. The cream always rises to the crop. And if Carl Crawford’s option is pick-ed up, you’ll have a magic team.

Step 5? The Deadline deal.

Now, the odds are that your only option for another starter is Erik Bedard. Don’t laugh, pitching depth is a very fungible entity. That being said? You need to make a deal for the seeming finqal piece of the puzzle. Could it be Matt Holliday?

Yes. Let’s start the rumor here. Tampa will be rolling out a package for Matt Holliday next July. David Price will not be included. Jeff Niemann on the other hand?

Listen, this may be meaningless. I hope it is. However? The shocking of the world in 2007 had to be put on hold when pitching star Ben Sheets went down.

You have two excellent hitters on the DL. The Red Sox are always the annoying Red Sox. And if you fall? This five part plan shall give you a second chance to make a first impression.

We love the Rays too.




  1. That broad is smokin’….tell me she’s not a tranny….

    Comment by The Prophet — August 12, 2008 @ 1:45 am |Reply

  2. She’s got a MySpace…

    Find out for yourself.

    Comment by Andrew — August 12, 2008 @ 1:57 am |Reply

  3. Is that Jessica Rabbit?

    Comment by Loren — August 12, 2008 @ 10:34 am |Reply

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