The Grand National Championships

July 23, 2008

Part 4 of the NFL breakdown. Jams are being kicked out.

Filed under: Analysis,Breakdowns,Fuhbawls,I kick the ball — by Andrew @ 10:50 pm

Kickers. A necessary evil. Like taxes. Mothers-in-law. Or even sitcom conventions.

Come along. Join us being trapped in a small space. We’re going for a 47 yard field goal’s worth in a breakdown.

David Akers K Philadelphia Eagles: Kicks from >40 yards is roughly equivalent to BABIP. How? It always regresses to the mean. And this means a dude who hit .200 from greater than 40-yards last year is a good bounce back candidate.
Rob Bironas K Tennessee Titans: America remembers where they were when he outdueled Sage Rosenfels in an asskicking contest. May get another shot in 2008.
Josh Brown K St. Louis Rams: He wears heated pants. No kicker is worth that fact.
Kris Brown K Houston Texans: One of the last of the orginial Texans. Also? He’ll be fine if his offense stays healthy.
Matt Bryant K Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Consistent, even if he won’t get nearly enough of a shot.
E.J. Cochrane K Baltimore Ravens: The most proper Vulture in Kicking history is about to take opportunities away from the most consitent kicker of the past 20 years. Ass.
Brandon Coutu K Seattle Seahawks: Voted most likely to be Nick Folk by Meat Loaf Aday.
Mason Crosby K Green Bay Packers: Sure, he won’t be as good as he was last year. HOWEVER? He’ll be good for more than a decade.
Phil Dawson K Cleveland Browns: He had a comic book writer sort of breakout last season. In that it took 9 years to do.
Jason Elam K Atlanta Falcons: Will not hit 115 points for the first time in his distinguished career.
Jay Feely K Miami Dolphins: The lone bright spot on the Dolphins. Seriously.
Nick Folk K Dallas Cowboys: The only underrated thing that lives in Dallas. And even so, he got past Mason Crosby to be YOUR NFC Pro Bowl Kicker. He’ll be fine again.
Stephen Gostkowski K New England Patriots: The best kicker in football for 2009. If you’re one of those with idiots who draft a kicker round 6? Ignore him.
Robbie Gould K Chicago Bears: The only problems with Gould may be opportunity based, the Bears offense is gonna suck.
Shayne Graham K Cincinnati Bengals: A good player, but the whole rigamarole with Chad Johnson may sink him, or underrate him.
Martin Gramatica K New Orleans Saints: WHOO! YEAH! I DID IT! I MADE A PARAGRAPH ABOUT A KICKING GRAMATICA! /tears ACL.
Jason Hanson K Detroit Lions: A veteran of the suck. With Martz gone, so too his value?
Sebastian Janikowski K Oakland Raiders: No good without the Vodka drink and the lager drink.
Nate Kaeding K San Diego Chargers: Overcame his demons to become a valuable kicker. He is good.
John Kasay K Carolina Panthers: He’s still solid.
Rian Lindell K Buffalo Bills: Should be better than last year as the offense goes from whipped to pimped! Yeah! Win!
Rhys Lloyd K Carolina Panthers: The Dutch kickoff specialist who’s got good value for 2009.
Ryan Longwell K Minnesota Vikings: Always accurate. Actually improved his leg strength in 2007. I know, I’m surprised too.
Kevin Lovell K Atlanta Falcons: The grandson of beloved astronaut Jim Lovell.
Olindo Mare K Seattle Seahawks: Kicking for his football life. Chris Berman roots for him, so you should not.
Justin Medlock K St. Louis Rams: The greatest African-American kicker of all time.
Taylor Mehlhaff K New Orleans Saints: Voted Most Likely to be this years Mason Crosby by Wisconsin Sports Magazine.
Joe Nedney K San Francisco 49ers: Mike Martz gives kickers opportunity all by himself. Remember that.
Nick Novak K Kansas City Chiefs: Has not shown himself to be as good as Billy Cundiff. Paul Edinger is waiting for him to fall.
Mike Nugent K New York Jets: He plays a rocking game from inside the 40 and on kickoffs. Too bad the Jets are still meek.
Matt Prater K Denver Broncos: Kind of a John Hall type. Big leg, wonky accuracy.
Neil Rackers K Arizona Cardinals: Should know that it’s better to live like a king for a day than like a dog for a lifetime. Or something.
Jeff Reed K Pittsburgh Steelers: Jeff Reed’s saucy antics always translate to quality kicking.
Josh Scobee K Jacksonville Jaguars: He should be awesome. I mean, his offense can bog down a scoch.
Matt Stover K Baltimore Ravens: Consistently decent, but yet never great. Yeah.
Shaun Suisham K Washington Redskins: Not great, but considering the crap that the Redskins have had kicking? Mediocre is okay.
Lawrence Tynes K New York Giants: Proof poisitive that the slogan “you’ll never get a second chance to make a first impression is flawed.” See: NFC Title Game.
Adam Vinatieri K Indianapolis Colts: Developing a case of the injury prones. Still great when healthy.

Two more of these. Guess where!

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