The Grand National Championships

July 17, 2008

A Darkovian Breakdown of the Fantasy Football Players…

Let’s be honest, it’s right about time to start thinking about the NFL. For some of us that means Hope and Faith that ’08 can destroy ’07. For some of us, it means fantasy football. And for some of us? It means learning to hate the Patriots all over again.

But for those who don’t want to pay 7 bucks for a magazine that came out before the school year ended? I will tell you all you need to know in reference to the pertinent fantasy football positions. Offensive lineman, punters, and rank and file defenders need not apply.

And if they have no real fantastical value? Look for a medi guide tidbit or two.

Erik Ainge Jets: A poor man’s John David Booty. (Or in Tennessee? A rich man’s John David Booty.)
Derek Anderson Browns: With a 9 million dollar roster bonus due in March 2009? This is a contract year.
Matt Baker Bills: He’s a random dude from a bad college football team.
Richard Bartel Cowboys: The pride of Tarleton State. I think that’s in Arkansas.
Brett Basanez Panthers: The skill set holds some intrigue, but if he didn’t get any playing time after Jake Delhomme, Matt Moore, David Carr, Vinny Testaverde, David Rivers, and Paul Kelly got hurt? He’s got nothing this year.
Charlie Batch Steelers: As a back-up? He’s decent. But he’s now 34 years old. You could see the Steelers really messed up if Big Ben misses extended time.
John Beck Dolphins: Overaged quarterback rookies may never be a good decision. Going into his second year, he’s older than Phillip Rivers.
Dalton Bell Seahawks: Will shock the world with his preseason 4th quarter gunslinging.
Brock Berlin Rams: Considering that he was benched for Derrick Crudup in his career? It’s a miracle that he threw 28 career pro passes.
Josh Betts Colts: A master of karate and friendship for everyone.
Kyle Boller Ravens: The absolute, final, no more chances chance to win the Ravens starting job. Needs Red Zone improvement to keep the job.
Brooks Bollinger Vikings: Tim Tebow is Brooks Bollinger 3.0. Bollinger 1.0 is about to become outdated.
John David Booty Vikings: The reason Brooks Bollinger is about to become outdated. Not by talent, but by newness. He’s not that good, BUT HE’S NEW!
Todd Bouman Jaguars: Was the inspiration for the bully in Life with Louie.
Shane Boyd Texans: The bridge between the hefty lefty and Andre Woodson at Kentucky. He can run too.
Tom Brady Patriots: The greatest football player of all time. If you don’t believe me, just ask ESPN. Or Vinny from Natick.
Casey Bramlet Chargers: The pride of Laramie, Wyoming is nothing more than a camp arm.
Drew Brees Saints: With the return of Deuce McAlister? He’s got a chance for a nice dash of bounce backery.
Colt Brennan Redskins: Will lead the league in calendars sold from an ex-rapist. Kids go ape for the great taste of the next Ty Detmer.
Alex Brink Texans: Let’s just say this. If the Texans didn’t feel good about Alex Brink, would they have released Quinn Gray?
Brian Brohm Packers: I don’t like him, but on a system of short to intermeadiate throws, he could be spectacular in upcoming years. But he’s a dick.
Mark Brunell Saints: You can hit Mark Brunell up on the MySpace for all the latest Mark Brunell news and views. His opinion on Michael Titley is earthsattering.
Marc Bulger Rams: Last season may be his bete noire. Pace does return, but he got murdered last season. Yeah. Marc Bulger is a zombie. What of it?
Jason Campbell Redskins: When you depend on a rookie receiver for your breakthrough? You aren’t all the way live yet.
David Carr Giants: David Carr needs to deskittish his shit.
Matt Cassel Patriots: As a gadabout blogger. Matt Cassell is my favorite player. Cassell has not been threatened by getting a real job or doing actual work since he was in Junior High. Awesome. Simply awesome.
Kellen Clemens Jets: Alan Faneca may make him better…if Chad Pennington’s rag arm doesn’t win over Eric Mangini’s fear.
Kerry Collins Titans: He was the better quarterback last year. By far. Vince Young struggles and Merril Hoge becomes a self-satisfied prick.
Todd Collins Redskins: Savvy veteran can go decades before needing to be called on to succeed. Problem is, he can only turn the trick once.
Brodie Croyle Chiefs: Still may not have a lot of time to throw. Also, with an Aaron Rodgers durability, he will get hurt. Again.
Jay Cutler Broncos: The Cutler is proving himself an able-bodied quarterback. But with not much of a line and the best option with a Chris Henry level of maturity? Expect inconsistency.
Jake Delhomme Panthers: His bionic arm just may make Steve Smith break the record for most yards in a game. FLIPPER ANDERSON SHOUT-OUT!
Dennis Dixon Steelers: Will catch more passes than he will throw in his career.
Ken Dorsey Browns: Fans of The U are trembling at the prospect of individual receving drill rehab for Kellen Winslow. Glory Days!
Trent Edwards Bills: A solid game manager right now, has the tools to improve exponentially. A.J. Feeley Eagles: Thinks banging hot soccer players is BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.
Ryan Fitzpatrick Bengals: Hey wait. Didn’t he go somewhere…big? Like Colgate or something?
Joe Flacco Ravens: A Kerry Collins clone. He’ll be wholly dependent on his offensive line.
Matt Flynn Packers: His best case scenario may be carving out a run for Damon Huardian glory.
Gus Ferotte Vikings: Who’s the cutest mentor? Who’s the cutest mentor? You are! Yes you are!
Charlie Frye Seahawks: Graft Andrew Walter’s arm on his body and he’s the greatest quarterback of all time. Flat out.
Jeff Garcia Buccaneers: The toughest homosexual Terrell Owens ever met. Or: The modern day Rich Gannon.
David Garrard Jaguars: He was a great game manager despite having a cokehead, a draft bust, and Earnest Wilford as his top 3. Can he do it again now that he’s paid?
Bruce Gradkowski Rams: Has the moxie and derring-do that only Jon Gruden can teach.
Quinn Gray Colts: The best back-up quarterback Peyton’s ever had.
Trent Green Rams: What do you need to bring zombies back to life? A horrific Trent Green injury!
David Greene Chiefs: As good college quarterbacks go, he’s more than a Major Applewhite. Less than a Brodie Croyle. Also, another camp arm.
Brian Griese Buccaneers: Journeyman back-up. He’ll be a decently high-end game manager if forced into action.
Rex Grossman Bears: Insert joke from Drew Magary here.
Matt Gutierrez Patriots: The only Gutierrez who ended up in Idaho.
Darrell Hackney Broncos: Trying to become the next David Garrard.
Gibran Hamdan Bills: Could prove to be the Muslim-sounding version of Trent Green.
Joey Harrington Falcons: The worst quarterback of all-time.
Matt Hasselbeck Seahawks: He is wholly dependent on his supporting cast. But this year? This year he’s golden.
Chad Henne Dolphins: The fanball.com editorial meetings in regards to Henne? They must have lasted for days. Charchachian- “What if we call it drivning a Henne?!?! GET IT?!?!”
Nick Hill Bears: The greatest undrafted lefthanded quarterback in Southern Illinois history. May be Kyle Orton v 0.8.
Shaun Hill 49ers: Had the highest debut completion percentage in a single game. Also, he’s really fired up for Left 4 Dead.
Damon Huard Chiefs: Moxie and guts carved out a career and will buy him more starts this season.
Tarvaris Jackson Vikings: The roadblock or key to the Vikings Superbowl.
Brad Johnson Cowboys: Game managing journeyman veteran, also one of the last active post 7th-round picks.
Josh Johnson Buccaneers: With Harbaugh teutelage an eyepopping TD-INT ratio, great speed, and Jon Gruden molding him? He’s got a chance to change the game.
Jon Kitna Lions: Jesus projects 3500 yards 25 TD’s and 19 wins.
Kevin Kolb Eagles: His future comes in 2009. He will develop a Matt Schaub-like following among thge literati this season.
Matt Leinart Cardinals: Romantically linked with Smallville star Laura VanderVoort.
Cleo Lemon Jaguars: The poor man’s Anthony Wright.
Jared Lorenzen Colts: Could beat out Jim Sorgi as a third-stringer
J.P. Losman Bills: Let him rollout and waggle? He’s golden. He just may never be a great dropback passer.
Eli Manning Giants: Somebody’s bound to pay for his playoff run. With Shockey back and Burress paid in full, it’s okay to let them. UPDATE: Shockey to the Saints for a 2 and a 5.
Peyton Manning Colts: Annoyingly good.
Ingle Martin Titans: A stalker fansite is happy that he even gets to camp. But that’s as far as he goes.
Josh McCown Dolphins: Magic in QB Challenges and with the chainsaw.
Luke McCown Buccaneers: If he makes the team, he could be a Tim rattay styled back-up who can inexplicably go for 400 yards and 3 scores.
Donovan McNabb Eagles: Remember. you will need a strong back-up if your fantasy team goes into the Donovan McNabb business. Ride the wave when healthy though.
Matt Moore Panthers: He has the gunslinger Q rating that can carry the Panthers if Delhomme’s bionic arm fails him.
Kevin O’Connell Patriots: Right now? He’s the new Matt Cassell. Tools and tools and tools and tools.
J.T. O’Sullivan 49ers: Could string some bits of awesome together if he ever got a fair shot at starting.
Dan Orlovsky Lions: Never had a full shot. The arm is still mighty, however.
Kyle Orton Bears: Insert neckbeard related humor here.
Jeff Otis Raiders: The Columbia star could actually make the team. Sadly, good friend Kevin Milo remains unsigned.
Tyler Palko Saints: May lose his job to T.C. Ostrander. It’s a better name anyway.
Carson Palmer Bengals: He’s grown weary of Chad Johnson’s bullshit. And in turn? He will lose the greatest cornhole partner he’s ever known.
Jordan Palmer Bengals: A camp arm brought in for nepotismal purposes.
Chad Pennington Jets: The dink and dunk heavyweight champion of the world.
Brady Quinn Browns:Make your own jokes here. He’s likely the back-up.
Patrick Ramsey Broncos: Is it safe to say that Patrick Ramsey is a bust? You need some mobility to be a scuuessful pro. Ramsey does not have it.
Brett Ratliff Jets: The Theo Ratliff of the NFL.
Chris Redman Falcons: The Petrino kid will caretake until the Matt Ryan sensational mystery tour gets rolling.
Lester Ricard Panthers: Holy Crap, it’s a mobile African American backup quarterback! Never seen one of them before!
Philip Rivers Chargers: He’s a bit of an ass. I mean, put your money where your mouth is on abstinence!
Aaron Rodgers Packers: He’ll be fine Favreheads. Worst case scenario? He’s Trent Edwards.
Ben Roethlisberger Steelers: The new Brett Favre. Be ready to be sick of him. He stands in the pocket and handles the pass rush. He’s gonna be a gunslinger just having fun out there.
Tony Romo Cowboys: Getting balls deep in Jessica Simpson makes a man stupid. Ask Joe. A slow start for Romo.
Sage Rosenfels Texans: On the Kelly Holcomb career track. Just add a quarterback controversy.
Jeff Rowe Bengals: He’s a great mid-major college quarterback. As a pro he’s had no shot.
JaMarcus Russell Raiders: He’s a giant Daunte Culpepper. (Pre-injury? Post-injury? That’s your call, homeboy.)
Matt Ryan Falcons: May be a bust. Will be in his rookie season.
Matt Schaub Texans: The best value of the middle portions of a Fantasy Football draft…if he stays healthy.
D.J. Shockley Falcons: If his knee heals right? He won’t be in af2 next season. He still might be.
Chris Simms Buccaneers: Someone else is going to play reclamation project with Chris Simms after he lost his spleen.
Alex Smith 49ers: If he can’t have a good year this year? He is one of the most robust busts of the NFL.
Troy Smith Ravens: In terms of for what it’s worth, he was the best Ravens quarterback in his limited sample size.
Jim Sorgi Colts: Limited playing time at best. Useless if he has to go for an extended period of time.
Brian St. Pierre Cardinals: A poor man’s Chris Redman. He better be insulted.
Drew Stanton Lions: Physically gifted, but with a season on the IR, he is still essentially a rookie.
Tyler Thigpen Chiefs: His talents are intriguing. If he puts it all together? Watch out.
Paul Thompson Titans: The modern-day Akili Smith.
Marques Tuiasosopo Raiders: He reads Al Davis bedtime stories and gives him warm milk. On the field? Kind of useless. But the hospice care he provides? Invaluable.
Billy Volek Chargers: The modern-day Frank Reich.
Seneca Wallace Seahawks: Life-story will be used for Marvel Comics “What If? Atwaan Randle El never switched to Wide Receiver.”
Andrew Walter Raiders: Statuesque in both speed and toughness.
Kurt Warner Cardinals: Turnover-prone. Sanctimonius. But he leaves solid quarterback play in his wake. He is good for the Buzzsaw.
Charlie Whitehurst Chargers: Stuck in the professional equivalent of the friend zone.
Andre’ Woodson Giants: The magician is going to have to work his way back up the hill again. But the man performs miracles when he sees the field. Don’t forget about him.
Anthony Wright Giants: The rich man’s Cleo Lemon.
Vince Young Titans: Only a college spread offense can save him from the factorback.

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