The Grand National Championships

March 14, 2008

Movies are Fun, you guys. (An AL East Preview)

I like Movies! I like Danny Mothers, but I like movies more! I give movies a 6 out of seven! Yay!

We are looking at feature films, theories, and other movie things as…your AL East

5) The Baltimore Orioles ARE Doomsday

This team has been fighting infection. Mediocre mutates to bad. Bad mutates to mediocre. Superstars become comic book parodies. Heroes disappear. Only one person can save the city. Adam “not Pacman” Jones. Only he can fight the infected. Only he can change the world.

With Peter Angelos as “This is OUR city!” Guy. 


4) The Toronto Blue Jays are Never Back Down

There seems to be a veritable buttload of institutional flaws within the system of the Toronto Blue Jays. Poor drafting, bad free agent signings, and Doug Melvin has engaged several instances of small scale pwnage. The Blue Jays need a young firebrand who’s angry at the world to shake things up as well as a wise mentor type to channel his anger. Sadly, while David Eckstein has a value as a “NEVER BACK DOWN!” mentor, Adam Lind is nowhere near the firebrand that the Blue Jays need to change the game in the AL East.

3) The Tampa Bay Rays are Juno

They seem revolutionary, but they’re really not. Although dropping the Devil is like dropping the fact that the screenwriter is a stripper, being a “surprising indie coming of age tale” is a lot like being “the new bandwagon” in baseball. It’s all been done before. Even if the fantasy baseball nerd among us can name the entire Ray lineup (Dioner Navarro, Carlos Pena, Akinori Iwamura, Jason Bartlett, Evan Longoria, Carl Crawfird, B.J. Upton, Jonny Gomes, and opening day starter Scott Kazmir). Even if there will be some amazing performances. Even if that dude who broke the Yankee catchers wrist is as hardcore as Ellen Page in Hard Candy, the backlash is going to happen. It will be swift. It will be violent. I drink Rocco Baldelli’s milkshake.

2) The New York Yankees are Will Ferrell.

They have been a dominant force. Funny or Die meets Murderers Row. Anchorman meets the 1998 Yankees. But after the collapse of both Bewitched and the 2004 Yankees in the ALCS, both the Yankees and Will Ferrell have gone stale. The Yankees kept buying old men and useless. Will kept with the sports movies. But this year the Yankees stood strong, and will have an infusion of a full year of Joba Chamberlain and Phillip Hughes as well as Ian Kennedy to bolster the pitching staff. Will Ferrell has a buddy comedy with John C. Reilly. They have intrigue this year. 

1) The Boston Red Sox are Auteur Theory

In 2004, David Ortiz changed the axis of baseball, and it was good. Much like Francois Truffaut changing the axis of film. However, the backlash has returned, and the backlash is strong. Sure, they do keep infusing themselves with prospects and reclamation projects (Jacoby Ellsbury and Bartolo Colon). But to hold the Red Sox as dominant baseball team as a good thing is much like saying the auteur theory can hold weight with the creators of Meet the Spartans falling under the auteur designation. With Theo Epstein as Andrew Sarris, and Manny Ramirez as Alfred Hitcock.


That’s your AL East. In 30 foot technicolor. God love it.


1 Comment »

  1. […] Tampa Bay Rays are Like Movie Juno […]

    Pingback by Friday March 20 Tape Measure Blasts « — March 20, 2008 @ 4:42 am |Reply

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