This is of course a given. But there are other things that we find awesome. For example, the only watchable show on E!, The Soup, rocks socks and rules schools.
How does The Soup relate to sports? Easy. Joel McHale. Ask him about his Rose Bowl Ring.
So we’ve decided to show the fools who don’t watch The Soup and would rather watch the CHUD baby sister clip show “Best Week Ever” what they’re missing and who’s the best in the NL Central. Because we care. We care a lot.
6) The Pittsburgh Pirates are Let’s Take Some E!
Like the more entertaining shows on a network, the NL Central must carry it’s lesser lights. Enter the Pittsburgh Pirates. The E! Channel makes it’s bones on random attractive yet untalented skanks like the Pirates collect random non-roster invitees*. Expect this team to win less than 70 games and have one of the Olly Girls throw out the first ball.
*In this analogy, Ian Snell is Snoop Dogg and Doug Mientkiewicz is Kim Kardashian.
And now, a random E! Skank!
5) The Houston Astros are the Mail Nurse
The stank of steroids and HGH is ripe for this once proud organization. There is estrogen deposits within the man boobs of the great acquisition to lead the team into the next decade. Miguel Tejada is just one step away from becoming a full pre-op tranny. All in all, the Astros are a creepy scene. A really creepy scene.
Miguel Tejada is creepier than Putting the Lotion in the Basket!
4) The Cincinnati Reds are THE BIG TIME CELBRITY GUEST!
Every year, the Reds try to get you hyped in regards to the magic of their big Free Agent acquisition or their big rookie. Sometimes it’s impressive, if ultimately disappointing. (Ken Griffey Jr. is roughly equivalent to Joss Stone). Sometimes they come out of nowhere to be awesome (as Ron Gant goes, so goes Wolf from American Gladiators) Sometimes it’s an amusing, if merely temporary diversion (If Fransisco Cordero is Constantin Maroulis, then Eric Milton is the Pop Off Lady from Bad Girls Club). Sure, you have to believe the magic on occasion, but it is never your division championship clip of the week.
Why? Because no matter how many big time celebrities the Reds have? Having the baseball equivalent of an adult Danny Bonaduce running the show means your dreams will be destroyed.
3) The Saint Louis Cardinals ARE Chat Stew
The adventures of the Cardinals are SOOOOO MEATY. You have Albert Pujols as dominant as Oprah. You have Tony LaRussa as the annoying egotistical diva Tyra Banks. You have the daytime drama of the steroid using family of Rick Ankiel, Juan Gonzalez, and the dead and dying Cardinals named Darryl Kile and Josh Hancock. They are mediocre, but they shall return.
2) The Milwaukee Brewers are REALITY SHOW CLIP TIME!
While having two players owning the nickname of the Hebrew Hammer might qualify the Brewers as Jewbacca, they have collected themselves spare parts like America has collected Reality Shows. Mike Cameron is your Survivor. Guillermo Mota is your Married By America. Eric Gagne is your Flavor Flav based Reality Program. They will have a whole load of mediocre at the ready if the stars of The Brewers network are unable to perform.
1) The Chicago Cubs are Oprah’s Va Jay Jay
Every year they are expected to be the among the most dominant forces in NL Central entertainment. This year, with the Japanese Bob Abreu in Kosuke Fukudome, is no different. The Va Jay Jay will be in a hotly contested battle with Reality Show Clip Time for the NL Central crown. But even if the Cubs win the NL Central, we all know what’s going to happen.
My Va-Jay-Jay is Painin’!
More of these posts will come. This is how we will make our baseball previews shine.
YAY! Comparing things to things!