The Grand National Championships

January 8, 2008

I can save Who’s Now?

Really. Since you’re being all obstinant and acting like you’re interested in last years piece of dreck, I figured I may as well offer my services and find a way to make this watchable.

And I believe I have. I have a three point plan to make this something watchable. I can do this. I can work miracles.

Step 1: Replace the host.

Stuart Scott is not a polarizing figure. He is not liked by the masses, let alone the interati. Having his googly eye staring out at you every day engenders nothing but hatred for him and what he represents.

So who to replace him with? For better or for worse [worse] Chris Berman is the biggest name on the network. Kenny Mayne has the fastest wit. And quite frankly, Steven A. Smith would have a certain joie de vivre that would make the show initially watchable.

But the fact of the matter is, the name that would be great for this program would be Scott Van Pelt.

van peezy

He’s smoothly funny. He’s seemingly affable. And heck, he is more one of us than your average ESPN anchor. His Def Poetry Jam Iambic Pentameter rating may be low, but the man is good at things and stuff. You need to believe in it like Michael McDonald believes in the smooth. 

Step 2: Casual Celebrity Fans.

The Panel must not be other ESPN personalities. If you want to discuss the nowness of an athlete, analysts and panelists should not be your weapon of choice. If you want people to care about the show, a good thing to do would be to practice an avoidance of Disnergy. So what do you need?

A Comedian.

Lady Eye Candy

And a Superstar of the 1970’s!

Why? Because this is a diverse mix of people who don’t know enough about sports and can talk in front of a camera. Why do you want a sports show with people who don’t know enough about sports? Simple. If you’re now, a Patton Oswalt or a Robert Evans will be able to acknowledge your existence. If you aren’t?

Patton will make a joke about KFC Gravy Bowls and good times will be had by all!

And finally, you wish for a Step 3? Here it is.

Step 3: Extricate this from SportsCenter

This is something that could be handled in the space of six 30 minute episodes on a night where your other choices would be Women’s Softball, Arena Football, or a summer major league baseball game. The first two rounds can be handled in three weeks, and when the meaningless actually starts to matter? You can let your show breathe.

In conslusion, you have something that turned out to be a fan favorite if not well regarded. It was the Transformers of 2007. With my help? Who’s Now becomes at least as interesting as the Comedy Central program “The Root of all Evil.” 

If not? Be prepared for the suck. It’s ESPN. It could easily go wrong.


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