The Grand National Championships

September 10, 2007

NCAA Week Two Rankings

Yes. Rankings are useless. (Ask Michigan.) Yes, the best team isn’t #1. But I think I have found an angle that is, as they say, Gold Jerry.

TGNC/CRTP proudly presents the WVBA NCAA Division 1 Poll Prize Game!

We proudly start with: LITTLE MAC as The Washington Huskies.

Joel McHale’s Alma Mater is the perfect match-up for Little Mac. Both seem underpowered in comparison to their freakishly large opponents. But both are scrappy enough to string some wins together. If they beat Ohio State? They will retire this trophy.

GLASS JOE is your Iowa State Cyclones.

Glass Joe was the most useless boxer in the game. If you couldn’t beat him on the first try, you are useless. Unfortunately, so too are the Iowa State Cyclones. Kent State is a bad Mid-American Conference Team. And they lost to Northern Iowa this week. Gene Chezik, take these words to heart…

“Make it quick…I want to retire!”

VON KAISER is your Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

The Irish are just like the German Steel Machine. They are all swagger and bluster. When they get hit, they fire back with “Your Punch is soft! Just like your heart!” And then, they get beat down easily. Much like Von.

PISTON HONDA is your Wisconsin Badgers

This is the best team in a down year for the Big 10 Conference. And if Paul Hubbard doesn’t return in a timely fashion, they might be stuck doing that annoying Banzai Punch of P.J. Hill in your ear. Fact is, they may run the table and be ranked 4th. Thus, Champions of the minor circuit.

DON FLAMENCO is the Louisville Cardinals

Undeniably stylish, both Don Flamenco and the Louisville Cardinals fight with flair. But they do have major weaknesses. How do you beat them? Patience, a well-timed uppercut, and good speed. Brian Brohm is the next Brady Quinn in more ways than one.

KING HIPPO is the Michigan Wolverines

They look imposing. King Hippo looks like he can eat you bones and all. Michigan’s won more regular season games than Jesus. But then? You discover their weaknesses. And like King Hippo, Michigan goes out like a bitch.

Hint. The safeties? They are the band aid.

Anyway, this is the halfway mark. I shall return with mindblowing comparisons.

Until then, enjoy a delightful Mike Greenberg Leprechaun.


Okay, we are back. Hi. Miss me?

GREAT TIGER is the Appalachian State Mountaineers.

While unimposing, the Great Tiger is a man who will fuck you up with his Tiger Punch. Appalachian State, unimposing as they are, gets their victories via a quick-strike offense and the teleportation skills of Armanti Edwards. That man is magical. Seriously, like Great Tiger, you cannot land a knockout. Only a TKO.

BALD BULL is the Oklahoma Sooners

Like Bald Bull, the Oklahoma Sooners look like they can fuck you up right quick. And yeah, they look like they’re infused with destrucity. But they have not been near as tested as other teams in this rankings. They are the Major Circuit #1, to be sure. But they do have work before they take down the World Circuit.

SODA POPINSKI is the West Virgina Mountaineers

Soda Popinski is the baddest man from an evil empire. He destroyed those who challenge him. West Virginia is much the same. Though West Virginia’s schedule is stronger, right now they look like Ivan Drago. They must break you.

MR. SANDMAN is the Florida Gators

As the Arcade Game champion, Mr. Sandman destroyed all comers with his Dreamland Express. Last years National Champion Gators did much the same thing. Now, like Mr. Sandman, the Gators are primed and ready for another run at the strap. And they will be a tough out for anybody. Also, as the photo on the right shows. They can each pull top notch talent.

SUPER MACHO MAN is the USC Trojans

The text is where I;m trying to be tricky madames y monseiurs

Old SC is like the Gray Haired Super Macho Man. They are #1 in the world. But they aren’t the best. They’re just relying on tradition, a dash of T & A, and and a super spin punch of 87 running backs to win. I mean, what’s the big dream match? Super Macho Man? Oh please.

MIKE TYSON is the LSU Tigers.

Let’s face it. In The World Video Boxing Association, the LSU Tigers are indeed the baddest men in College Football. They destroyed my previous choice for Little Mac. They were the most impressive by far. And if you’re waiting for a rape joke?

Don’t hold your breath.

No. Don’t.

Yay rankings! 



  1. […] ISU is a Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out opponent I came across this humorous blog entry equating our beloved Cyclone football team to one of the boxers you face in the classic Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out, thought it was kind of funny. NCAA Week Two Rankings The Grand National Championships […]

    Pingback by CycloneFanatic - ISU is a Mike Tyson's Punch-Out opponent — September 10, 2007 @ 7:22 pm |Reply

  2. […] There was a shake-up in the Week Two Poll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Filed under: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNH!, EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT!, I’m Not Ready For The Football!, Scadenfreude!, George Michael Hype Machine, Funny! Not Funny!, Hecklings! — by Andrew @ 3:10 pm From The Grand National Championships… […]

    Pingback by There was a shake-up in the Week Two Poll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! « The Grand National Championships — September 15, 2007 @ 3:10 pm |Reply

  3. […] I’m Not Ready For The Football! — by Andrew @ 11:26 pm There were shake-ups from the Week 2 Rankings. Glass Joe had some fight. Von Kaiser not so much. Also, Ohio State? They are the new Piston […]

    Pingback by NCAA Week 3 Rankings. « The Grand National Championships — September 16, 2007 @ 11:26 pm |Reply

  4. haha this is pretty funny, thx :)

    Comment by free roms — October 12, 2008 @ 11:10 pm |Reply

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