B-C-S CONCLAVE (COME OUT TO PLA-AY!!!)

Not to sound egotistical, but we do have a certain ability to compare things to other things. I mean, Tim Tebow truly is Jules Winfield, right? And Iowa State is also indeed Glass Joe. Well, it’s been a while. We need to make one more comparison.

One for the road. (Now with fewer weirdo raper guys) CAN…YOU…DIG…IT?!?

 

Hawaii are the Warriors
Everyone wrote them off. Nobody thought they would find their way. Everybody blames them for the assasination of the BCS. But do not sleep on a scrappy team with a month to prepare and nothing to lose. They just might win the gunfight on Coney Island. Featuring Colt Brennan as Ajax.

(NOW WITH LESS RAPE CHARGES.)

LSU are the Grammercy Riffs
The Riffs are the most mighty gang in New York. They oozed a cool charisma. Then Cyrus (Glenn Dorsey) got shot and while Masai stepped up admirably, it just was not the same. They are still the biggest threat in BCS City, but they are a lot more mortal than they were at the start of the year.

Georgia are the Turnbull A.C.’s

Word on the street was that the riffs out and out feared the Turnbull A.C.’s. The A.C.’s were big, mean, and physical. They took to the ground to make their presence felt.  LSU escaped having to face Georgia’s big uglies riding Knoshon Moreno to the promised land. They’re out for blood and the have the Warriors in their sights. 

Illinois are the Orphans

In a world where one of these things is not like the other, the Orphans have been left behind in the big Gang Conclave of The Warriors. So too then, did the Fighting Illini get left out of any level of national title discusssion. It’s not to say that the Illini are as meek as The Orphans. It’s just that in a world filled with “beautiful” people like the BCS, Juice Williams is as mediocre as Mr. Lazy Eye. 
 

Ohio State are the Lizzies

The Lizzies used their power of having breasts to trap the Warriors in their net. The Buckeyes used their cheap non-conference schedule and early season finish to ensnare an entry into the National Championship game. If you think about it, it boils down to both using cheap tricks to get what they want.
 

 

Oklahoma are the Baseball Furies
Put it simply, they look bad ass. They have their faces painted, they rock and roll all night, and party every day. They are well respected, and they deserve it. But when a scrappy team like the Warriors or Texas Tech or a Boise State rolls up on them and punches them in the mouth, they get beat.

Still, they were the last team to beat a #1 team, and the Gramercy Riff’s losses were just as bad. All in all, Oklahoma has demons that they are out to punish, and some young punks are about to get owned. 

USC are the Rogues

I could be dumb and be all durr-hurr-hur, USC is the root of all evil, but I won’t. All I’m going to say is that like Luther, Ol’ SC was prepared to take the lead by making big bold moves. Now? They end up punked out by a knife in a gunfight. Quite frankly, Ol ‘SC are a bunch of suckas.

West Virginia are the Punks

Frankly, they are one of the most entertaining gangs in the BCS culture. But like the Punks in the washroom, the Mountaineers flame out spectacularly whenever someone punches them in the mouth. They cannot handle playing for #1, so a less powerful gang ends up taking them out.

Kansas are the High Hats

It makes sense if you think about it. The High Hats were the Hep Cats in the World of teh Warriors. And while Kansas had their run for the Big 12 North, they were everybody’s him choice for Cinderella story. And like the High Hats, the Jayhawks found themselves folding under the pressure.

But they rocked it when they were on top. Damn right they did.

Virginia Tech are the Jones Street Boys

Not the most well known of gangs. In fact, they’re a cocky bunch of trust fund kids. But they’re not disrespected. (Virginia Tech is beloved by the calculons of the world.) You won’t hear about them this January, but they will bop the Jayhawks like the JSB rock the Saracens.

(Probably).

There you go. We compared things! Yay!

The BCS, as brutal as ever, and with a Walter Hill touch?

Maybe we won’t have a complete disaster?

Naaaaahhh…

[The Warriors Movie Site is gold leaf.]

BCS SEVEN SAMURAI #1 OHIO STATE (10-0)

Strengths: James Laurinitas is the leader of the NCAA’s best defense (scoring and total) from his linebacker spot. The offense has reloaded into a non-shitty version of 2006′s Matrix Cool offense. Oh. And they only have two games left.

Weaknesses: The best team they’ve played is a banged up Wisconsin. That means you have to take these numbers with a grain of salt. They haven’t been truly tested yet.

The Superstars: Lauranitas and Jim Tressel’s Sweater Vest

Names to Know: Todd Boeckman-QB, Chris Wells-RB, Vernon Gholston-DE, Brian Robiskie-WR

Best chance to get beat: At Michigan November 17th.

BCS Title Game Chances: 80% (They are playing a talented team with nothing left to lose at their place to end the year. Also, do not sleep on the Juice Williams. DON’T!)

Random Pop Culture Avatar 

 

Two and a Half Men. Sure they both are head and shoulders above their genre. Sure, they are kind of good. But you say to yourself that’s it? Is that all there is? You feel that this is the best of a lesser lot and an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (A.K.A. Oklahoma) would destroy them.

BCS SEVEN SAMURAI #3 OREGON (8-1)

Strengths: Their Spread offense is masterful. The hire of Chip Kelly as Offensive Coordinator has turned Dennis Dixon into a Heisman favorite. Jonathan Stewart is so underrated, he’s not even a top three Jon Stewart. Oh, and Jaison Williams can manhandle a cornerback.

Weaknesses: As good as the offense is, the defense is about as bad. The fron seven does not handle the run very well, and giving up 270 YPG through the air does not insipire and electrify either. And an opportunistic defense can derail Dixon’s Heisman run if his knee injury doesn’t.

The Superstar: Dixon

Names to Know: Stewart, Williams, and Head Coach Mike Belloti.

Best chance to get beat: Nov 24th at UCLA

BCS Title Game Chances: 60% (They can absolutely run the table, but they need help. If you’re a Ducks fan or just on the bandwagon? Root for Michigan like you root for the guy to get the girl.)

Random Pop Culture Avatar:

 

The Incredible Hulk. You want to talk about Jekeyll and Hyde pop culture? You want to talk Bruce Banner. The Defense is repressed. They do not get creative. They bend but don’t break. Truly, they are Bruce Banner. But the offense? Quite simply? DENNIS DIXON SMASH! And even if he misses time? It will not skip a beat.

BCS SEVEN SAMURAI #4 KANSAS (9-0)

Strengths: The offense. The passing game has been a revelation and the run game has experienced no dropoff despite the loss of Jon Cornish. Todd Reesing is an emerging NCAA celebrity and his back-up Kerry Meier delights both with his slash versatility and his Wooderson impression.

YAY! I GROW OLDER AND THEY STAY THE SAME AGE!

Weaknesses: They can be thrown on. Also, when the paper magazines said that Texas A&M was going to be the toughest opponent they would face, the upset is that at 6-4, with an about to be fired coach, they are close to accurate.

The Superstar: Leader in the clubhouse for coach of the year Mark Mangino.

Names to Know: Reesing, Meier, Jake Sharp-RB, Brandon McAnderson-RB, Marcus Henry-WR, Aqib Talib-CB

Best chance to get beat: November 24th vs. Missouri

BCS Title Game Chances: 33% (They’re a team that even at this late date, haven’t really been tested. Sure, they’re pretty good. But even if the MSM expects them to fall, there is always the chance that they will whimscially bluff their way into the BCS title game. Even so, they would need help from say…Illinois or UCLA.)

Random Pop Culture Avatar:

Fat guy in a little coat.

When I think of out of nowhere successes, I think of Tommy Boy. And KU fits the bill of the most whimsical moment of the movie. Kerry Meier’s mustache? Fat guy in a little coat. Hanging 76 on Nebraska? Fat guy in a little coat. This has other subtext’s that I may be missing, but whatever. You find them? Comment below.