Now, it is the dark and dour nights of the sports blogosphere. No baseball. Basketball still does not matter no matter how hard I effort. And we cannot give a motherflippin’ flip about the autos going vroom in a circle.
So, being helpful joes at wheatever we’re calling ourselves today, we are going to give advice for the fantasy baseball player. Everybody knows about Pujols and Johan. Everybody loves Braun and 100 Grand. But the question is, who’s next? Who is going to be the next great fantasy baseball Superstar?
Read on good madams and sirs, read on.
Rickie Weeks = A Lawful Good Elf Thief
Strength: 13
Dexterity: 17
Constitution: 13
Intelligence: 12
Charisma: 16
Wisdom: 9
A second baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers, in his halcyon pre-draft days, he was going to be the next Joe Morgan. But when Rickie made the big leagues, he was cast asunder by a heart that’s larger than his brain and a lack of quality Clerics on the Brewers training staff. Finally healthy and questing with a talented, veteran team, look for Rickie to go wild.
RYAN BRAUN IS NOT A GREAT CLERIC!
Mike Jacobs = A Neutral Evil Ogre Fighter
Strength: 16
Dexterity: 4
Constitution: 14
Intelligence: 8
Charisma: 12
Wisdom: 5
An ogre from New York, Mike has been underleveled for the past couple of years. But if you are looking for some cheap late round power, Mike Jacobs is your huckleberry. He swings the bat with thunder. He crushes southpaws. He is an experienced level 26. Take a last round flyer. You won’t be disappointed.
Dennis Sarfate = A Lawful Evil Blood Ranger
Strength: 16
Dexterity: 3
Constitution: 14
Intelligence: 6
Charisma: 16
Wisdom: 6
There are some who say that he is an angry dog-like creature. There are some who say George Sherill is your closer. But even if he will eat humans guts for breakfast, there is a big issue with Sherill. He’s a lefty. Lefties don’t close. In an open competition for the bullpen, lefties do have a strike against them. And Sarfate has a monster fastball and a good slider. He has 18 months of moster pitching in him. He is the next Derrick Turnbow.
Daisuke Matsuzaka = A Chaotic Good Halfling Dwarf
Strength: 16
Dexterity: 12
Constitution: 14
Intelligence: 14
Charisma: 10
Wisdom: 13
The Japanese Dontrelle Willis, Daisuke Matsuzaka had a great start to 2007, but he ended up hitting a wall in the second half. Expect accurate healing, good dominance. The Gyroball is going to be good for 16-18 wins and 200 K’s. Daisuke will absorb Schillings load.
Here are four names you need to know right now. Remember them. Grab Dick-K by the 6th Round, Weeks by the 12th, Jacobs in the last, and store Dennis Sarfate in the memory backs.
He will tear out your throat if you don’t.
YAY! GRANT MORRISON JOKE!
