err Comedy GOLD!!!

Conan and Jordan Schlansky!

enjoy,

ELVI!

Napster made piracy normal. Mencia is merely a hack. More respect if he stops acting edgy.

Not much respect, but more.

By now we all know that Eric Gagne manned up and said, God I suck, could you please stop having me lose games for you? And it’s something I respect. Really and truly.

I firmly believe delusion is what gets America through the day, and the sheer simple fact that Eric Gagne cut the shit and said that he did not belong as the closer will make me respect him even if he’s never going to be worth your time anymore. I don’t care if Isringhuasen gave him the idea, it’s right respectable.

However? He never should have even sniffed this point. Admitting that you don’t have it in the big spot anymore has got to be a confidence destroyer. A good manager would have pulled the plug so he may still have some value in the 7th. A good manager would not use him past the point of no return.

Ned destroyed Turnbow. Now he smoked Gagne.

Then do I have a post for you. We all know the story of Buck O’Neil. We know how he was passed up from the Hall of Fame for a myriad from pimps, punks, and fools. It’s a damn shame.

But you know what? He’s not alone. There are Hall of Fame travestys that you don’t know about. Herein lies a tale.

A tale of Jack Glasscock.

Jack Glasscock? Jack Glasscock! See, here’s a photo.

And you know that nobody has ever bothered to doctor photos of baseball cards from the 1880’s, right? So, we’ve established that Jack Glasscock is more than a fun name to say. But you know what?

Jack Glasscock was the dominant force in 19th century Shortstop Entertainment. Truly. His defense was spectacular, and he held a career record for leading the league in fielding percentage and assists that lasted until the era of Ozzie Smith. That’s 100 years.

AND YOU KNOW I’M IN THE HALL OF FAME, BABY!

And get this? He ended his career with records for the most games, putouts, assists, double plays, and fielding percentage. How was he so good defensively? Shall we visit the Wikipedia?

• Nicknamed “Pebbly Jack” for his habit of scrutinizing the infield for small stones, typically pocketing them, the practice helped him to avoid the bad-hop ground balls which more regularly afflicted other infielders; fielding averages of the era rarely exceeded .900 among shortstops.

That’s right. Jack Glasscock. “Pebbly Jack” Glasscock. The most dominant force in defensive entertainment.

But that’s not all. Jack Glasscock brought the offensive juice. Jack Glasscock struck the bean with power and grace. Pebbly Jack struck back at the plate.

Yeah. I went there. You know how I can prove it. By having fun with OPS+. OPS+ can bridge the gap between eras. OPS+ is Sabermetrics meets the number 100. Why 100?

Because 100 equals being offensively average. And as for shortstops? Most of them aren’t exactly great offensively. By this metric? Rabbit Maranville and Luis Apricio are lucky they even got invited to Hall of Fame. But you know what?

Jack Glasscock would be a top-notch Hall of Famer. Maybe not Honus Wagner, maybe not Ernie Banks, but he is as offensively skilled as Luke Appling or Cal Ripken. And you know what? That’s not bad.

So what’s the final tally on Glasscock? Finishing his career as the single greatest defensive shortstop of his time. Striking out once in every 33 at bats. 2,630 total bases, 313 doubles, 98 triples. He was the dominant force of the old age of baseball.

He was Captain Pebbly Jack Glasscock. He was awesome.

Vote Glasscock, for the Hall of Fame.

But point of fact? At least he saw Jason Isringhausen and said me too.

Ned Yost has no more scapegoats. He’ll be gone soon.

But a good win for the Brewers. I will eventually come back with more ideas. I do have them. Just work tires me.

Trust me. I have a case you need to hear.

I got nothing but I am enjoying the musical stylings of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists.

Rickie Weeks starts the Healing! Truly, he is the Erotic Shatner!

I’ve been waiting to speak on the Marvin Harrison thing. It was salacious for the sake of salacious in its initial thrust. But now it’s different. Now here might be the new Michael Vick, in that mainstream sports media needs a salacious story to feed the beast.

Marvin Harrison is someone whos gun was used in a shooting of a man who was kicked out of his bar. Not only that? Marvin just got into a fistfight with the man. Not only that? It was a .50 caliber handgun with armor piercing bullets. Not only that? There’s a mystery second man who was supposedly shot by Marvin.

Not only that? But Deadspin’s saying there’s a possibility that Marvin Harrison could be a modern day Frank Lucas. I’m still going to not pass judgement on Mar-Har. There’s probably not enough evidence to convict anyway.

And, a quick lesson for the mainstream media? Silence does not equal goodness.

But here’s the thing. If you want to be a true Receiver superstar? You need to pull shit like this. Really. You be great without it.

But you’ll never be a superstar.

At the very least? You need to have the ego of Narcissus. A Chad Johnson or a Terrell Owens can tell you that much. If you have sociopathic tendencies? All the better.

If you have a bit of bloodlust? There’s no problem. Steve Smith and Randy Moss clocked more than their fair share of bitches.

Greed? Please! From Laverneus Coles stealing shit to Joey Galloway, Chad Johnson, Randy Moss, Javon Walker, Anquan Boldin, Larry Fitzgerald, Torry Holt, Terrell Owens, and I could go on and on.

Greg Jennings? You see the bar. I demand a drug fueled crime spree. It will make you millions.

Yeah. Bad day. Started bad.
Stayed that way.

Bud Selig hasn’t been an awful comissioner. He hasn’t been great. But considering some of the winners who were baseball comissioners? You could argue that he’s in the Top 3.

Really. You want to say Spike Eckert or Happy Chandler is ahead of him? You would be wrong. That being said?

This latest idea? Ridiculous.

Okay, here’s the thing. Those who love baseball know about the majestry of the Negro Leagues. Josh Gibson was the greatest power hitter that you’ve never heard of. Satchel Paige was a mystical creature of both baseball and age-defying protein powder. Cool Papa Bell was the single greatest force for good in baseball history.

And having teams mock draft Negro Leage Superstars destroys that. Having the Tampa Bay Rays draft Josh Gibson means nothing to extend the knowledge of the baseball fan. 

“OOH! A POWER HITTING CATCHER WE’RE NOT REALLY GONNA GET! AWESOME!” 

Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this.

If they say that the Minnesota Twins drafted Willie Wells. Would a Twins fan give a shit? If the Dodgers signed Ted Radcliffe? Would the Dodger fan give a shit?

No. They wouldn’t. This doesn’t even have the symbolic value of an all-time team. 

You want to have the Negro Leagues honored? Easy. You want to market the great African-Americans of Today’s game? Even easier.

I have a two birds with one stone pitch for Major League Baseball. It’s a free one.

You have your modern day African-American player. Let’s say for this example…

Jimmy Rollins.

And it would be Jimmy. Simply staring into a camera, holding a picture of Willie Wells.

And then he gives us a quick 25 second synopsis on Mr. Wells.

“Willie Wells was nicknamed El Diablo for his trademark intensity. A great all around player, he had a career .328 average and was absolutely masterful with the glove. He taught Jackie Robinson the art of the double play and played 18 seasons in the Negro Leagues. But do you know what he’s best known for?”

Jimmy Rollins taps his batting helmet.

“Willie Wells was the first ever to use a batting helmet.”

And then you flash the MLB logo. And then the slogan.

“These are our heroes.”

It’s a freebie, MLB. It’s a freebie.