Milwaukee is BRAUN TOWN!

I enjoy the signing. He’s ours to root for until 2015. He’s locked into left field. And it’s really a beautiful thing. Why?

1. It means we aren’t going to let our superstar go for 35 cents on the dollar.

Remember when Chris Bosio went for nothing? Remember when Gary Sheffield went for Ricky Bones and Matt Mieske? Now Doug Melvin can cull value from something seemingly universally hated (remember the Carlos Lee trade?), but still. This means Annastasio isn’t fucking around. I like it.

2. Imagine this 3-7 of a lineup.

Fielder, Braun, LaPorta, Gamel, Hart. Won’t likely happen, but there’s always room to hope. It’s audacious!

3. Prince Fielder is going to be traded.

I’ve gone to thinking he’s overrated. Not a bad player. Just that I think they’re making the right decision on their two bats. Prince has old players skills.

If I’m supposed to have hope for 2010 and beyond? Okay. This works.

Gabe Gross is above replacement level versus right-handed hitters.

But the Brewers traded him to make room for Tony Gwynn Jr. In this respect, it’s not the most savvy move. (And with Frank Thomas available? You could say the same think for the Rays. See, they dealt for Gabe.) And before I call this move a mini-disaster, we need to discuss the return.

That’s Josh Butler. He’s a righty. He’s got a nice repitoire of pitches. A 92-95 MPH fastball with movement. A hard, sinking slider, a curveball with tight spin, and an improving change-up. He has a good intelligence at the plate (so long as he doesn’t abandon his change-up.) He also has good command.

Sure, he has a 6.35 ERA in Vero Beach, but at this point? That can change rapidly, after all, in three or four starts, a mans BABIP can be astronomical.

It’s upside. Pure and simple.

The NL West throws up it’s rock fist.

I like the NL West a lot. They are the Manic Pop Thrill of all the divisions. I firmly believe that if ESPN actually paid any level of attention beyond the Boston/New York/North Carolina Tri-Bourough Sports Bridge, they would find out just how awesome this division is.

But they don’t, so it’s up to your meshuggenah sports blogger to play sufficient hypeman for the NL West. The NL West is straight up Metal. Really. There are four teams you could see winning the division.

And thusly? The Grand National Championships Proudly Present…

Bang Your Head: A National League West (Day Late and Dollar Short) Preview

5) The San Fransisco Giants are Vader

It’s a nihilistic time to be a Giants fan, an old team that’s pretty much Lincecum and Cain and pray for Bloody Rain. Aaron Rowand was the big splash in Free Agency, and they overpaid for a man Skip Bayless would call a gritty Randy Winn. This is the team voted most likely to lose 110 games this year. There is nothing coming down the horizon. All they can do is work the Tremolo and play their little hearts out. Godspeed Giants, Godspeed.

4) The Los Angeles Dodgers are Black Sabbath

A long time ago, Nomar, Jason Schmidt, Jeff Kent, and Rafael Furcal rocked the party that rocked the body. Jeff Kent was indeed Iron Man and what not. But there is going to be a problem in Dodgertown. They have a lot of youth that’s ready to go wild at Chavez Ravine, but they are being blocked by the bloated, dessicated corpses of once great superstars.

With Andruw Jones as Ronnie James Dio

OH, WHAT’S BECOMING OF ME? 

3) The Colorado Rockies are Limozeen

The Rockies were a nice piece of novelty, going to the World Series with little more than Matt Holliday, Troy Tulowitzki, the heart of a Lion and the Wings of a Bat (Because it’s Midnight). But here’s the thing about novelty acts, they ususally cannot come up with good sequels. Frankly, only Weird Al Yankovic has had enough staying power to make his way into dynasty. And let’s just put it this way, like Piratecore, Tay Zonday, Yakoff Smirnoff, and the Homestar Runner, the Colorado Rockies won’t have near enough for an encore.

2) The San Diego Padres are Metallica

Not the modern day sellout “Some Kind of Monster” Metallica. These guys are the old school, Cliff Burton dead in a horrific accident let’s fuck with the new guy “And Justice For All” Metallica. They’re right angry and ready to unleash their ”One” upon the world. In this analogy? Peavy is Hetfield, Maddux is Ulrich, and Chris Young is Kirk Hammett. Sadly, the offense is the Napster that will leave them short of their appointed goal. (Though Chase Headley’s going to play Jason Newsted sooner than you think.)  

Poor sucker.

1) The Arizona Diamondbacks are Nine Inch Nails

This team is the most pop metal sensation in the NL West. But we aren’t looking at the elder statesmen of the Industrial thrash scene version. This is the team built for the 1989-1994 Pretty Hate Machine to The Downward Spiral Era of Rocking. It is a fusion of strong pitching (Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, and a bullpen skilled enough to fade trading Jose Valverde) and multi-skilled offense (Their outfield could all threaten 30-30 again).

That, and Mark Reynolds and Randy Johnson are as horrifying as anything you could see in the video for Closer.  

  
HOT!

That’s your baseball in a nutshell for the season. A little comedy, a little cinema, a little hot women, a little bit o’soup, a little manic pop thrill, and a little bit of metal.

This season’s gonna be awesome.

GO BASEBALL!

The Trickiness of Underrated.

It is not easy to define what makes a player underrated. The good player may be on a team made of stars. The young player may have consolidated the skills that made him hyped sometime in June. The pitcher may finally have a defense that works for him.

But there are names that are flying under the radar this season. We’re gonna let our light shine upon these underrated going into 2008. These are the guys you need to be watching. Eyes front, these are your new heroes.

The Grand National Championships Present: Dude’s that Don’t Suck

Curtis Granderson CF-Detroit

Now, I know what you’re thinking. He had one of the all time great seasons in baseball history last year, how can he be underrated? You see, while he was spectacular, he is still not a complete player. He is much less than passable versus left-handed pitching, and this will be the year that he turns the tide. Consolidating that with his dominace versus right handed pitching, he will be downright spectacular. And in a line-up with superstars like Miggy Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Dontrelle Willis, Gary Sheffield and Justin Verlander? He is still going to fly under the radar.

Jeremy Hermida RF-Florida

When somebody makes the big leagues at the age of 21, he comes with savior level expectations. When somebody goes between awful and injured at age 22, people get disappointed. The first half of age 23? A lot of same shit different day. The second half? Awesome. .340/10/36/.401/.555. He’s ready for the world, so long as he stays healthy.

Chad Billingsley RHP-LA Dodgers

You want to know a reason why the Dodgers are going to improve this year? Bank on Billingsley. Last year when he finally made his entrance into the starting rotation after some scuffling in the bullpen, this young man became the putative ace of the Dodgers with a 3.38 ERA from June onward. And yet? In a world where Brad Penny had sex with Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku and Clayton Kershaw is a prospect with Hall of Fame potential, Chad Billingsley is a mere afterthought.

Wasn’t he the kid in Heavyweights?

Corey Hart RF-Milwaukee

As a wise man once said. You don’t go messing with a country boy, a country boy, a country boy. And this native of Bowling Green, Kentucky is a man that is more than sharing a name with a no-talent assclown. This giant of a man with a broad base of skills is less visible than Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Yovani Gallardo, Ben Sheets, Eric Gagne, hell, even Jason Kendall is better known to the casual fan. But the fact of the matter is, his flaw to superstardom is more correctable than our favorite 100 Grand. A lot easier to take more walks than hit lefthanders.

These are four names you need to know, casual baseball fan. These are four names that will be even bigger next year. If you don’t know? Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Movies are Fun, you guys. (An AL East Preview)

I like Movies! I like Danny Mothers, but I like movies more! I give movies a 6 out of seven! Yay!

We are looking at feature films, theories, and other movie things as…your AL East

5) The Baltimore Orioles ARE Doomsday

This team has been fighting infection. Mediocre mutates to bad. Bad mutates to mediocre. Superstars become comic book parodies. Heroes disappear. Only one person can save the city. Adam “not Pacman” Jones. Only he can fight the infected. Only he can change the world.

With Peter Angelos as “This is OUR city!” Guy. 

THIS IS OUR CITY!

4) The Toronto Blue Jays are Never Back Down

There seems to be a veritable buttload of institutional flaws within the system of the Toronto Blue Jays. Poor drafting, bad free agent signings, and Doug Melvin has engaged several instances of small scale pwnage. The Blue Jays need a young firebrand who’s angry at the world to shake things up as well as a wise mentor type to channel his anger. Sadly, while David Eckstein has a value as a “NEVER BACK DOWN!” mentor, Adam Lind is nowhere near the firebrand that the Blue Jays need to change the game in the AL East.

3) The Tampa Bay Rays are Juno

They seem revolutionary, but they’re really not. Although dropping the Devil is like dropping the fact that the screenwriter is a stripper, being a “surprising indie coming of age tale” is a lot like being “the new bandwagon” in baseball. It’s all been done before. Even if the fantasy baseball nerd among us can name the entire Ray lineup (Dioner Navarro, Carlos Pena, Akinori Iwamura, Jason Bartlett, Evan Longoria, Carl Crawfird, B.J. Upton, Jonny Gomes, and opening day starter Scott Kazmir). Even if there will be some amazing performances. Even if that dude who broke the Yankee catchers wrist is as hardcore as Ellen Page in Hard Candy, the backlash is going to happen. It will be swift. It will be violent. I drink Rocco Baldelli’s milkshake.

2) The New York Yankees are Will Ferrell.

They have been a dominant force. Funny or Die meets Murderers Row. Anchorman meets the 1998 Yankees. But after the collapse of both Bewitched and the 2004 Yankees in the ALCS, both the Yankees and Will Ferrell have gone stale. The Yankees kept buying old men and useless. Will kept with the sports movies. But this year the Yankees stood strong, and will have an infusion of a full year of Joba Chamberlain and Phillip Hughes as well as Ian Kennedy to bolster the pitching staff. Will Ferrell has a buddy comedy with John C. Reilly. They have intrigue this year. 

1) The Boston Red Sox are Auteur Theory

In 2004, David Ortiz changed the axis of baseball, and it was good. Much like Francois Truffaut changing the axis of film. However, the backlash has returned, and the backlash is strong. Sure, they do keep infusing themselves with prospects and reclamation projects (Jacoby Ellsbury and Bartolo Colon). But to hold the Red Sox as dominant baseball team as a good thing is much like saying the auteur theory can hold weight with the creators of Meet the Spartans falling under the auteur designation. With Theo Epstein as Andrew Sarris, and Manny Ramirez as Alfred Hitcock.

MANNY BEING GOOOOOD EVENING…

That’s your AL East. In 30 foot technicolor. God love it.

Here’s the thing about changes of pace.

They are the scariest sorts of things to your various bodies of internet celebrities. Why, look at a random sports blogger in Feburary and see how bad it can be if you try to swim against the grain of pace changing. Now, there was an e-mail in all of our in-boxes today. It was an e-mail of hype. It was an e-mail from one of our previous interview subjects.

It was Team Awesome Rocks. They made a new trailer. It holds none of the 8-Bit whimsy of their previous efforts. It was a change of pace.

And it was really quite good. But after I put up the link so you can bask in a curveball for great justice, I need one question answered.

I drink your milkshake, what’s so funny there?  It seems like it would not be.

If you have seen it, learn me why it’s comedic plz.

K thx bye.

In which I open my big fat mouth.

The preeminent humor sports blog on the planet can only think of Hines Ward doing “Herro herro me so solly long numbel!” for the Jaguars-Steelers game?

That’s the cutting edge of sports blog comedy? Why is anyone else even bothering? Clearly, there’s no way that you can top the greatest hits of MadTV sensation Bobby Lee.

HEY LOOK, BEN ROTHELISBERGER IS A DRUNKEN IDIOT!

“Now you waitsh just a minutesh there chhanps kind!, I drinks because I amn pain! I amn paaaaaaaain! Now ima howl!”

“AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“What? You don’t know me! You don’t know Matt Leinarts! I am a super bowl CHAMPION! What arou, faggot?”

“Das what I thought!”

Indeed. I am now as cutting edge as Carlos Mencia. Hand me my accolades and I will move along.

I realized I have an awesome idea for a comparison post.

Fun Facts that really are only half true. (In that they are merely facts).

1. Rosie Colvin is a higly regarded linebacker for the New England Patriots. So you would think his loss would be a hinderance to the Pats, right? Wrong. With Monday’s win, the Pats are 18-1, and have won their last 16 when he has been on injured reserve.
2. Elijah Dukes is on the same team with Dimitri Young. The Dugout comments here.
3. Today is the Redskins only day of practice for the Bears. Classy move by the NFL not to move the game to Saturday. (1-A Colleges aren’t playing, why the hell not?)
4. Our new blogroll friends are apparently Canadian. See. Not a fun fact but indeed a fact.
5. Yes, apparently I did leave Epic Carnival. No, it wasn’t because I rebuffed the whiny Pats fan. It was due to tomfoolery and shenanigans. There was a hilarious pratfall if I do recall correctly. (And me not liking what I wrote. Not to sound pretentious…but I rarely do.) Anyway, I went by the old neighborhood to see what was up, and it seems as if they have gone all Snakes on a Plane on the readers candy asses. This is going to be the greatest trainwreck ever. P.S. I will take my severance in the form of McDonald’s gift certificates.
6. Guiliani and Huckabee have formed an alliance. The fact that they have does not speak well of one Michael Jefferson Huckabee.
7. The Bugs and Cranks threatened each other with ass-sucking? I never knew?

Yeah. Quasi-link dump. I dunno. Tired.

BYE!

Do you miss Halloween?

I do. But I can give you a Hallo-fix! That’s right, in a split of your humble hosts, it’s Cautionary Sales of Swords 5! Halloween Edition!

Elvi hates it, but fuck that! I liked it! You will too! The comedy will cut you fucking wide open!

Looks like you got more that you swordered!

Sports in Brief.

• Rutgers 30, South Florida 27. Ray Rice is Chamillionaire featuring Slick Rick compared to Walter Walker’s hip-hop police.
• You want another reason to hate the Colorado Rockies? They are trying to tradmark the bastion of classic rock stations, and the way South Carolina’s favorite son wishes to remember this holiest of months. That’s right. The Colorado Rockies want to trademark Rocktober. I say unto them only this. Jesus was a man whom believed in charitable deeds.
• Sure, Josh Beckett cares not for the reindeer games of the Cleveland Indians. However, with all the idiots that had to proclaim a team that was DOWN in the series as already having it locked up, you know whom I’m rooting for if the Red Sox actually prove the Massholes right? A crippling players strike.
• Am I the only one who doesn’t find Gilbert Arenas’ shenanigans cute anymore? Seriously, he’s the Jon Heder of basketball. Less lazy bloggers, this is all your fault.
• Apparently, the Yankees are unhappy with ESPN’s coverage of the Torre situation. In other news? Water is dry and up is dowm.
• Yeah, I said dowm. It is that weird.
• I hate that the SEC has both games of the week this week. If Auburn can prove themselves sexy vs. LSU? The ramifications may be scary. And we all know about Tebow v. Woodson.
• My fantasy football team sucks and it’s my fault.
• Oates loves the fact that UConn is now at 7-1. Oates loves them Huskies.
• 
• Also, Shawne Merriman should be tested for the chlamydia.
• 

i love you bye for now!