The Bill Simmons Backlash.

In the Early-2000′s, ESPN’s Page 2 was the single greatest place for writing ever. Hunter S. Thompson, Ralph Wiley, and a young upstart from the Boston area named Bill Simmons combined to be the triumverate of sports journalism that everybody could read. (It was ESPN’s last great moment.)

By 2006, HST and Wiley passed on, and Bill Simmons was the face of ESPN.com. And by this point, there was a backlash going his way. He got complacent and went back to the same conventions over and over. He let his wife share column space. He wrote footnotes to his old columns and dared to call it a book.

Sure, when it came to the NBA he was still nonpareil, but when he dared venture into other sports? He found that people did not like his work so much anymore.

Now I am one for irony. I love it. It’s like an Alanis Morrisette joke on my wedding day.

And I do think that there is a popular blog that is following down the path of the Simmons. They are trying to become a brand name. They could be accused of going down the same road with their style on post after post. They have one poster coming out with a book of his own.

So who? Who is the blog walking down the primrose path to do lazy d-bag?

Click the link. Appreciate the irony.

I’M MAKING THEM POPULARER! DAS DUAL IRONY!

(Cryptic Inside blogger note: Mister M, this does stem from the post I flinched on.)

I can save Who’s Now?

Really. Since you’re being all obstinant and acting like you’re interested in last years piece of dreck, I figured I may as well offer my services and find a way to make this watchable.

And I believe I have. I have a three point plan to make this something watchable. I can do this. I can work miracles.

Step 1: Replace the host.

Stuart Scott is not a polarizing figure. He is not liked by the masses, let alone the interati. Having his googly eye staring out at you every day engenders nothing but hatred for him and what he represents.

So who to replace him with? For better or for worse [worse] Chris Berman is the biggest name on the network. Kenny Mayne has the fastest wit. And quite frankly, Steven A. Smith would have a certain joie de vivre that would make the show initially watchable.

But the fact of the matter is, the name that would be great for this program would be Scott Van Pelt.

He’s smoothly funny. He’s seemingly affable. And heck, he is more one of us than your average ESPN anchor. His Def Poetry Jam Iambic Pentameter rating may be low, but the man is good at things and stuff. You need to believe in it like Michael McDonald believes in the smooth. 

Step 2: Casual Celebrity Fans.

The Panel must not be other ESPN personalities. If you want to discuss the nowness of an athlete, analysts and panelists should not be your weapon of choice. If you want people to care about the show, a good thing to do would be to practice an avoidance of Disnergy. So what do you need?

A Comedian.

Lady Eye Candy

And a Superstar of the 1970′s!

Why? Because this is a diverse mix of people who don’t know enough about sports and can talk in front of a camera. Why do you want a sports show with people who don’t know enough about sports? Simple. If you’re now, a Patton Oswalt or a Robert Evans will be able to acknowledge your existence. If you aren’t?

Patton will make a joke about KFC Gravy Bowls and good times will be had by all!

And finally, you wish for a Step 3? Here it is.

Step 3: Extricate this from SportsCenter

This is something that could be handled in the space of six 30 minute episodes on a night where your other choices would be Women’s Softball, Arena Football, or a summer major league baseball game. The first two rounds can be handled in three weeks, and when the meaningless actually starts to matter? You can let your show breathe.

In conslusion, you have something that turned out to be a fan favorite if not well regarded. It was the Transformers of 2007. With my help? Who’s Now becomes at least as interesting as the Comedy Central program “The Root of all Evil.” 

If not? Be prepared for the suck. It’s ESPN. It could easily go wrong.

I hate you people.

Sure, I could go and ape a Bill Hickisan rant about how you all are nothing more than a mere virus with shoes. But I am a simpler man. My hate can be distilled into a simpler, issue oriented logic.

So know you’re asking, if I have made you into a reasonably successful blog of some renown, why are you drinking the haterade on us? It’s simple, really.

Remember this summer? Remember when a young upstart blog first came up with the concept of putting 32 annoying ESPN personalities together in tournament form? remember when Stephen A. won the thing? (That one you probably don’t). Well, we parodized the concept from this idiotic thing called Who’s Now?

“Hey! Let’s discuss the intangible qualities of Shaun White vs. Steve Nash! Brilliant!”

See, it was not brilliant. It was bad television. Bad bad television. And now ESPN has their excuse to bring it back next year.

It was the top search on ESPN. Seriously.

Look, I know it probably wasn’t many of you that did it. I know that if you did go, you did it for educational purposes only. (I was tempted once or twice to find out who won, but I was strong!) But now it’s going to come back next summer.

And I’m going to be fooled into doing Who’s Hack 2? I’m even likely going to do an electric boogaloo reference. And this will be bad for all involved. 

Because we will recycle more jokes than Bill Simmons! Oh!

Such wit! I am a regular Dennis Miller. BABE!

The ghost of Lloyd Carr continues to haunt Michigan.

All the mainstream media outlets are thinking that Les Miles will leave LSU and go for the head coaching job at Michigan.  On the surface this seems very logical.  Miles is a Michigan man who’s stated that he would love to coach Michigan.  Miles played for Michigan and met his wife there.  On the outside it seemed like Les Miles would jump at the chance to coach at Mehigan.

But there are other factors into the Mehigan coaching job. 

“My timing is based on one thing – what’s best for Michigan and what’s best for Michigan football,” said Carr, who will stay on as an associate athletic director for Michigan. “There are no other motives.”

Lloyd Carr is going to stay on as an associate athletic director for Michigan.  This is probably a HUGE reason why Les Miles wouldn’t take the Michigan Head Coaching job.

Les Miles and Lloyd Carr hate each other.  Carr and Miles come from two differnt schools of coaching.  Do you really think that Les Miles would want to have a guy who hates him as a boss?  Especially, if right now you’re coaching one of the best teams in the country. 

The fact of the matter is, until Lloyd Carr decides to finally drag his corpse out of Michigan.  Les Miles WILL NEVER COACH MEHIGAN!  Also, Herbstrait will continue to be wrong until Lloyd Carr is gone.

You know who should be coaching Michigan next year?!

STEVE BRULE!

LAST RESORT FIGHTING! 

ELVI!

Dennis Miller can bring down ESPN!

I actually watched Dennis Miller’s Sports Unfiltered

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but..it was GOOD!

Granted, Dennis Miller is a Red Sox fan, but he’s not a masshole about it. He doesn’t rub it in everyone’s face which is actually bearable. Plus, he’s actually funny! Instead of watching some unbearable show on ESPN where they try to be cute and witty with bad puns and nicknames; along comes Dennis Miller who can actually tell a good joke. I think it’s the fact that the only “comic” doing sports is Dane Cook (whom alot, myself included dont’ think he is a comic). I dont’ count Frank Caliendo because well…he’s never even made me crack a smile and doing bad impersonations does not a comic make.

I loved Miller’s jokes too. He compared the Cub’s fans to submissives and Lou Pinellia as a dominatrix! The best part about Dennis Miller is that he’s a pissed off sports fan. Finally, someone one cable who’s,”MAD AS HELL! AND HE’S NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

Versus! is seriously going to give ESPN a run for their money because A) they actually went out and got someone who knows and loves/loathes sports. B) They’re broadcasting Pac 10 Games that are actually interesting to watch! Remember the USC-Stanford game? But that’s another post.

Overall, I give Dennis Miller Sports Unfiltered! B+!

The reason is because I want to see more and I’ll let you know how he keeps the pace.

Also, if anyone has clips of this new show on Versus! Please pass it along!

ELVI!

Check it out for yourself!

MILLER TIME!

THE GRAND NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS READER CHALLENGE QUIZ BOWL I

We at the Grand National Championships have suddenly realized we have readers. Sometimes these “readers” (the word itself is foreign to us so bear with us) have suggestions and if we like them we will act on said requests.

With that being said we bring you something that even we know is overdone..A top ten list!

YAY!

TOP 10 PEOPLE THAT NEED TO BE SENT TO THE SUN

1. SARAH SILVERMAN

Sarah Silverman must be stopped. Have you seen the trainwreck that is,”The Sarah Silverman Show”? It’s awful, the show alone should have her tried for crimes against humanity in the field of comedy. She’s like a small town theatre geek who thinks she’s the neo Phyllis Diller sans talent.

Keep in mind Sarah loves to sing, but she lacks the talent. So when she does it’s just lame lyrics about something a little boy would sing into his tape recorder. Songs about farting and poopies and then goes and forces his friends to listen painfully and pretend to laugh at the naughty words.

2. JIMMY FALLON

Thanks for sucking, enjoy the sun!

3. THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS

 

Your cartoon was really awesome, especially when you all had superpowers. But when you stopped playing the Washington Generals and began playing high school teams..For Shame! Also, your gimmicks are so old the aztecs were using them for sacrifices to their sun god.

4. CARLOS MENCIA

Thanks for retelling Bill Cosby jokes. I forgot that they were funny once. But thank you, for helping identify morons. If I go to a person’s house and I see a dvd of your show I know to walk away slowly and to stop using meth.

5. DON HENLEY

Don Henley..You played drums for the Eagles that means you automatically suck. Glenn Frey and Joe Walsh carried your ass for years. Your solo work was worse than Frank Stallone. Mojo Nixon should have killed you when he had the chance.

6. WILL ARNETT

 

God I hate you. I hate you so much it burns in the depths of my soul. I will say that I loved you as a pedophile on Law and Order. Other than that you’re nothing more than a bad impersonator of the movie trailer voiceover guy. Everything you touch turns to shit and fuck you for making Amy Poehler unfunny. And thanks for clogging up Will Ferrel’s time by being a douche onscreen.

7. CHRIS BERMAN

Nobody wants you around. If they say they do, they are liars. You’re like a bad SNL sketch come to life. Lothar of the Lard People Demands MORE HOT POCKETS!

8. KOBE BRYANT

You never let the Mongoose take on the Mamba. Look at you all scared. You scared like a little white pussy. I’ll fuck you till you love me faggot.

Rikki Tikki Tavi Owns Your Ass,

Lamar Odom

P.S. Mike Tyson sends his love

9. SOME DOUCHE

We don’t like you. You’re a douche.

10. STEVE CARELL

 

Why is it that you have the uncanny ability to have a superb supporting cast that will save your ass in a pinch. I mean The Office sucks if not for the supporting cast. 40-Year Old Virgin was all supporting cast. Hell, even the Daily Show had others do the heavy lifting for you. Quite Frankly, Dan in Real Life, if Jason Bateman had your career, nobody would miss you.

Yes. This was the first in a potential batch of ideas for Reader Challenges. If you’re interested. If you think we want it bad enough. Comment please.

If we are as game as you think we are? Your idea could be the READER CHALLENEG QUIZ BOWL II!

Bye!

You may not know this.

But we here are huge fans of Robert Goulet. HUGE. How huge? As a context, we were in no way shape, form, or manner amused by the Robert Goulet impression Will Ferrell did.

And I will fight you to the death about the divinity of Anchorman. (Ask me about my Anchorman Sequel pitch.)

But the reason why we’re here? Robert Goulet is really sick. 

So, let’s go back to a simpler time. When ESPN was the coolest thing ever.

I know, it’s a cheap tribute, but we love Goulet. He was the bomb in Naked Gun 2 and a point five.

Feel better plz!

Sports in Brief.

• Rutgers 30, South Florida 27. Ray Rice is Chamillionaire featuring Slick Rick compared to Walter Walker’s hip-hop police.
• You want another reason to hate the Colorado Rockies? They are trying to tradmark the bastion of classic rock stations, and the way South Carolina’s favorite son wishes to remember this holiest of months. That’s right. The Colorado Rockies want to trademark Rocktober. I say unto them only this. Jesus was a man whom believed in charitable deeds.
• Sure, Josh Beckett cares not for the reindeer games of the Cleveland Indians. However, with all the idiots that had to proclaim a team that was DOWN in the series as already having it locked up, you know whom I’m rooting for if the Red Sox actually prove the Massholes right? A crippling players strike.
• Am I the only one who doesn’t find Gilbert Arenas’ shenanigans cute anymore? Seriously, he’s the Jon Heder of basketball. Less lazy bloggers, this is all your fault.
• Apparently, the Yankees are unhappy with ESPN’s coverage of the Torre situation. In other news? Water is dry and up is dowm.
• Yeah, I said dowm. It is that weird.
• I hate that the SEC has both games of the week this week. If Auburn can prove themselves sexy vs. LSU? The ramifications may be scary. And we all know about Tebow v. Woodson.
• My fantasy football team sucks and it’s my fault.
• Oates loves the fact that UConn is now at 7-1. Oates loves them Huskies.
• 
• Also, Shawne Merriman should be tested for the chlamydia.
• 

i love you bye for now!

Donovan McNabb is Right.

Really. The Black Quarterback has to work a lot harder to be put on the same pedestal with a Carson Palmer or even a Tomy Romo. There is an endemic racism in sports. It’s a problem that nobody wants to talk about. (And considering the Avatars of African-American Journalism on the main stage are Jason Whitlock, Stuart Scott, or Stephen A. Smith it’s a wonder why.)

I mean, look at how many African-American College Quarterbacks have been compared to Antwaan Randle El in record numbers (meaning they best switch positions if they want a shot in the league). Look at how a player like Scott Fletcher was able to carve out a career on the basis of being scrappy, while a player like Rickie Weeks makes every effort to play through pain and gets nothing but shit. Look at how Curtis Granderson got ignored while Rick Ankiel got praised.  

There’s still a subtle racism. It hasn’t changed, and it may never completely change.

But outside of the “Racist? We’re not racist!” There are still other reasons as to why McNabb’s legitimate claims fall on deaf ears. One minor. One major.

The minor thing? The Philadelphia Fans. They have a reputation for being absolute dicks. Anybody and everybody is fair game for their wrath. And seeing as this came after a poor performance against the Washington Redskins, you have to wonder if that didn’t affect America’s view on this matter.

I’d say a little. But listen, this is the thing. We’re living in a society of victimization. It’s not our fault that anything bad happens to us. Especially when it is.

I mean, look at the Patriots fans in consideration of the matter of Belichick. This man cheated, and he got caught. He deserves every word of vitriol that he gets. (Even the shitty Gregg Easterbrook ones.) But it’s not Bill’s fault that he cheated.

“It’s the league, they put the pressah on him!”

Yeah. You get my point. Add this to the endemic racial profiling of the black athlete, and all of the sudden, you find yourself with this exchange.

“Black quarterbacks have to do a little bit extra.”

“Nuh-uh!!!”

In closing, vote Michael Robinson for San Fransisco 49er quarterback.

The Latest In National Helmet Touch

1) Green Bay 35, New York Giants 13.

• DeShawn Wynn, 2 scores, 5 yards per carry. Brandon Jackson? 9 yards less total offense than Wynn. (68 to 59) with 9 more touches. I think Jackson has a chance to be the third runner when Morency returns. (But I might be an idiot. Take away the scores? Wynn 8 carries, 6 yards.)
• Everybody says that the Packers have bad receiving tight ends. I do agree. However, Favre throws for three scores. Donald Lee and Bubba Franks had two.
• Derrick Ward did show that he can play football in the league. 15 carries, 92 yards. 4 catches, 35 yards. 127 yards total offense is pretty good.

2) Cleveland 51, Cincinnatti 45

• Derek Anderson will not be a valid fantasy pick-up. 328 yards and 5 scores you say? Not valid, I say. This is the outlier of his year. I say.
• Carson Palmer is on pace for 4768 yards passing and 64 touchdown passes.
• Braylon Edwards finally had a game worthy of a #1 Receiver. (8-146-2)

3) Indianapolis 22, Tennessee 20.

• Indy never covers vs. Jeff Fisher. 
• But LenDale White is the early leader in the clubhouse for the Titans starting running back. (Chris Brown? 12-34, 1-2. Little worse than last week. He probably got hurt.)
• I have nothing else to say to you short of perhaps a Roydell Williams pick-up would have some top-notch values.

4) San Fransisco 17, St. Louis 16

• Frank Gore had a great outing today. 20-81-2.
• Alex Smith had a 0.9 Dilfer outing. 11-17-126
• Steven Jackson is still scoreless.

5) Tampa Bay 31, New Orelans 14.

• ESPN can now officially go all Cathy in Bathing Suit Season on the New Orelans Saints. They’re 0-2 AAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!
• I, like fantasy owners past, present, and future, are learning to hate Carnell Williams. He is the shittiest Cadillac ever. Ever.
• Jeff Garcia. 15.2 Yards per attempt today. (I will not make a gay joke or use my gay tag. That’s too go-to.)