Olivia Munn is embodying my mood…

Fucking Brewers…making me sad.

Need to smile. Need to smile.

Olivia Munn is embodying my mood…

Fucking Brewers…making me sad.

Need to smile. Need to smile.

There are plenty in this world whom would wish this poker fad dead…

And I can’t say that I would blame them. Television poker holds minimal appeal. Many of the biggest names are personal as well as professional degenerates. And after Absolute Poker and Ultimate Bet allowed for superuser accounts, you cannot say that online poker isn’t rigged.

Sidebar: Of all the crap things ESPN has done recently, allowing ads from these sites is one of the worst.

But anyway? We’re talking about things that would be good for poker, right? Well, there are 79 players left in this years WSOP. And while there are your professionals that you’ve heard of (Mike Matusow and Phil Hellmuth; both shortstacked), and professionals you haven’t (David Rheem and Brandon Cantu; both chip healthy). there’s really only one name that could be a shock to pokers system.

That is Tiffany Michelle. She is 5th place in chips to start the day. She is one of many aspiring Hollywood triple threats. But that’s beside the point. The female poker player is a rare bird indeed. Most of them that you know about come from failing movie careers. There are talented professionals, but at this point they are all knocked out.

Tiffany Michelle is a young, attractive female who, if she can survive until early Tuesday morning, will goose the game’s numbers back up. A female Moneymaker if you will. Not to say that it might not be an artifical bump, the social skills of many poker dudes can be nascent at best. But the fact of the matter is this…

From late tomorrow night, the final table doesn’t play down until November. It may be gimmickry, it may be artifical, but like any reality show, there will be television time for every contestant who wants it. And Miss Michelle is an aspiring dual threat, right? So she will be going for the brass ring if she gets there.

And with quotes like this?

“Yesterday I was at Hevad Khan’s table and he asked me if I paid $180,000 to start playing on Day 4. He was surprised that I made it this far. I told him that I blew a lot of guys to get my way in.”

You don’t think she’ll be the spunky female ambassador for poker if she can get there?

UPDATE: Coming out of the dinner break with 44 players left, Tiffany Michelle is 4th in Chips. Brandon Cantu is 3rd. And Mike Matusow? He’s 17th.

UPDATE II: Tiffany Michelle up to 7.3 million in chips. Brandon Cantu is YOUR chip leader. And Mike Matusow? He’s 16th.

UPDATE III: ESPN execs are praying for a Tiffany Michelle final table. Is the fix in? Maybe not, but Matusow is out in 30th.

There are plenty in this world whom would wish this poker fad dead…

And I can’t say that I would blame them. Television poker holds minimal appeal. Many of the biggest names are personal as well as professional degenerates. And after Absolute Poker and Ultimate Bet allowed for superuser accounts, you cannot say that online poker isn’t rigged.

Sidebar: Of all the crap things ESPN has done recently, allowing ads from these sites is one of the worst.

But anyway? We’re talking about things that would be good for poker, right? Well, there are 79 players left in this years WSOP. And while there are your professionals that you’ve heard of (Mike Matusow and Phil Hellmuth; both shortstacked), and professionals you haven’t (David Rheem and Brandon Cantu; both chip healthy). there’s really only one name that could be a shock to pokers system.

That is Tiffany Michelle. She is 5th place in chips to start the day. She is one of many aspiring Hollywood triple threats. But that’s beside the point. The female poker player is a rare bird indeed. Most of them that you know about come from failing movie careers. There are talented professionals, but at this point they are all knocked out.

Tiffany Michelle is a young, attractive female who, if she can survive until early Tuesday morning, will goose the game’s numbers back up. A female Moneymaker if you will. Not to say that it might not be an artifical bump, the social skills of many poker dudes can be nascent at best. But the fact of the matter is this…

From late tomorrow night, the final table doesn’t play down until November. It may be gimmickry, it may be artifical, but like any reality show, there will be television time for every contestant who wants it. And Miss Michelle is an aspiring dual threat, right? So she will be going for the brass ring if she gets there.

And with quotes like this?

“Yesterday I was at Hevad Khan’s table and he asked me if I paid $180,000 to start playing on Day 4. He was surprised that I made it this far. I told him that I blew a lot of guys to get my way in.”

You don’t think she’ll be the spunky female ambassador for poker if she can get there?

UPDATE: Coming out of the dinner break with 44 players left, Tiffany Michelle is 4th in Chips. Brandon Cantu is 3rd. And Mike Matusow? He’s 17th.

UPDATE II: Tiffany Michelle up to 7.3 million in chips. Brandon Cantu is YOUR chip leader. And Mike Matusow? He’s 16th.

UPDATE III: ESPN execs are praying for a Tiffany Michelle final table. Is the fix in? Maybe not, but Matusow is out in 30th.

Dear Readers,

The Month of April had you looking at our website for 73,636 pageviews. That blew every other month we’ve had out of the water. And if you’re wondering why?

Clearly, it’s because we’re putting up photos of women. Not the Matt Fraction interview. Not the draft coverage. Not even the classic posts of the Tigers. It’s because we have pretty girls doing stuff.

Yes. Partying dudes and nerds. Because this last month was so awesome. One more for the road, amirite?

That’s Rachael Nichols a.k.a. Scarlett in the childhood raping remake of GI Joe. I’ll let you decide if she’s more attractive than Rachael Nichols.

Yeah. I’m moving on. I suggest you do the same.

Why did I even Give Eric Gagne Credit?

Two more blown saves. This is getting ridiculous. I mean, really! How can you bean Cesar Izturis? He’s a great big ball of suck?!

Steve Schumaker? How could you let him beat you? He got his scrappiness all over you, huh? BOO! Boo I say!

PUNK ROCK WOLVERINE WITH BALOONS IS NOT AMUSED!

SEE? NOT AMUSED!

I would blame Ned Yost for this…

After all, pitching four straight days is never a good thing. Eric Gagne has been dominant, but you can’t have a closer go four straight days.

But what in the name of Christ are you doing giving up a homer to Paul fucking Bako Gagne!

That’s Chad Moeller levels of suck!

BAD NED! WORSE GAGNE!

Only Vaguely Punk Lady With Balloons can stop this rally!

Yep. They lost. I do blame Ned Yost. 4 DAYS IN A ROW WITH THE SAME PITCHER?

WHATEVER, I DO WHAT I WANT!

Those of you who were here from the beginning know about Brandi Hawbaker

If you don’t? Here’s a cliffs notes. Reasonably attractive, but mentally disturbed poker player/con artist.

But to get you up to speed, she fell in with noted poker author David Skalansky and his Two Plus Two Forum. And when things were good? David was thrilled with the exploitative purproses for his website.

All that and worse, after the jump.

LET’S GET DIRTY! 

There is a tendency of bloggers to piggyback onto things that its easy to hate.

People that hate them? Sure. Things that now suck? All right. Rockin’ bewbs? Check.

Anyway… why are we here? Not just the rocking boobs. We are talking about Bill Simmons. Pre-Jimmy Kimmel, he was gold. Post-Jimmy Kimmel, he’s become a sort of a lefty one out guy of bloggers. The issue?

He still goes off on each and every subject like what he talks about is sancrosanct. And he is, after all the Boston sports guy. And we know how everybody loves Massholes. He got knocked off the throne. It happens.  

But he always has this core group of defenders who will vault to his aid every time his name gets sullied by anybody in the blogosphere. And as conspiracy theories go, there is one that says every ESPN intern must leap to defend Simmons aid whenever his name is sullied.

I didn’t believe it at first. After all, he does have a reigon of itnerant douchebags that love everything he does. And a lot of people don’t get tripped up by someone they kind of hate. He does not have a cabal of people who protect his rep.

Then Deadspin decided to run a home-field check on various media personalities. There were some surprises. Rachel Nichols is 78% loved? Well okay then. Brent Musberger is 62% loved? That will make my take team partner enraged when he hears that.

But as for Bill Simmons on Deadspin, which is to ESPN as a supermodel is to keeping cake down? 75% approved. This means this guy…

Is more beloved than…

And just a touch more liked than…

Yep. Bill Simmons is more regarded than Bob Costas. And as an ex-Costashead?

Upsets. George Mason to the Final Four, Eli over Brady, Obscurity over Couric, now Simmons over Costas. Time has taken its toll on the regard of William Jefferson “Bill” Simmons. Can Costas beat back the backlash and become the tiniest American hero? The answer lies ahead in what many are calling 2009′s biggest commentary match-up.

Yeah. Deadspin likes Bill Simmons over Costas. What the hell is that?  

Yesterday’s Been a Good Day in Blogfrica.

I’m not going to vent about some small turn of events. I’m not going to turn make a right turn. I’m just going to use today as context.

See, while we have been reasonably good at what we do, we have not been nearly as good as we were at the end of 2007. Put it thusly?

We got stale. It happens to everybody. It was just our turn.

And seeing as we are indeed good Midwesterners. We have come to say, we can guide through the ennui. We can guide you through the malaise. We can get you and your blog back to good.

But first, you must know the three things not to do. Three things keep you stale.

1) Gimmicks

You can find yourself to be kind of adept as one of those guys who compares things to other things. You can play at being adept with top 10 lists. You can be appreciative of the bikinied female form or other pretty girls doing stuff. It’s okay to share these with your readers, like so…

But the fact of the matter is, like my AL West Preview, overuse of these is best served to alienate and insult your readership. They want to see you come correct, not say, hey English girls have big breasts and your AL West winner is Anaheim. You use your brain heavily, you use your gimmicks sparingly.

2) Do Not Fight Just To Fight

There are blogs that you and I will never mesh with. There are blogs inexplicably lame. There are blogs inexplicably popular. There are blog runners that can be difficult to get along with. (You didn’t hear it from me, but the howdowestopthebitch.com’s webmaster is a real asshole).

They may get you riled up. They may make you sad. They may drive you to your basement apartment to be enraged in your underwear. Don’t. Breathe. Count to 10.

You cannot hate with style and creativity often. It can be done, sure. Even an idiot can hit a home run hating on a more popular blog. But even that post took a good few days to work out. Really.

If it’s the heat of the moment telling you what your words mean? It will suck. You can be as skilled with the venom as a young Chuck Bukowski, and your writing will be awful. You cannot improvise good venom. So don’t.

3. What did I say about Pretty Girls Doing Stuff?

NO! That is the market that’s flooded past critical mass, and you’re gonna say me too? That’s bad! That will make you even staler than week old donuts.

NO ETHNIC FOOD!!

Sorry. Anyway. If you want to talk about getting back to good? There are three ways to get back to good. Simple? Sure. Probably common sense? Maybe.

But inspirational? Okay, probably not. But read on.

1. Take a Break.

You don’t have to break up with your blog. All you have to do is write, be back later, k thx bye. That’s it. I took two weeks off after a furtive, do you like me yes or no week of blogging efforts. Blogging burnout happens to everyone. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last. Take a week and chillax. Have the sun kiss your skin and what not.

In some instances, rested does equal refreshed in Blogfrica.

2. Lean on your friends.

You all have your “boys” on the interlines. Some people who are willing to provide you a ready link whenever you ask for it. They’re more than willing to keep your name out there while the ennui and malaise runs its course. If you don’t hammer their inbox with requests for help? They can let you work through your downtime.

But, Andrew, what if I’m a friendless hermit?

Come on. It’s the internet. There’s a voltron-styled blogosphere community popping up every day! Join up! And there you go! Friends!

OMG LINKIN BUDDIES LOL!

3. Work Harder

You get out of this what you put in. You want to spend three minutes working on a Top 10 List, you’ll get the rough equivalent of attention from your readership. You want to be one of the best, you’ve got to be willing to work your ass off. Nobody’s gonna give you anything you didn’t already earn. You think a door’s closed, dive in through the window. All you can do is keep scrapping and keep fighting.

Take the extra moment and find the crazy name. The only one who can share the next Zealous Wheeler is you.

You can be the unique snowflake, or you can be just another one of these guys…

Your call.

Love,

The Grand National Championships