This is not a sellers market for the One.

Really. There is no superstar point guard. There is no great contract that’s going to get moved. I’m not going to say something crazy like Starbury’s expiring contract is what you want on your team. Because that’s crazy.

But like Charles McHutchence said, let’s look at the facts. There are three point guards of some level of talent. But the contracts are bad. There will be shopping, but if somebody does move, it will be for pennies on the dollar.

Meet the Point Guard Three.

1) Kirk Hinrich, Chicago Bulls
11.5 PPG, 6.0 APG

From HoopsHype: Great knowledge of the game, good shooter, superb quickness, good court vision, excellent defender, put forth a great effort, could become one of the premiere point guards in the NBA.

HOWEVER! Kirk Hinrich gets his new contract and his offense falls off the cliff. 35% points off of the field goal percentage, 65% behind the arc, five points less in scoring. And you’re still on the hook for 4 years at 33 million.

Odds of a trade occuring? Of the three, it’s the most decent. Hinrich is the one most likely to hook himself to the juvenation machine and get back on the road to glory.

2) T.J. Ford, Toronto Raptors
12.1 PPG 6.1 APG

From HoopsHype: Extremely quick and hard to stop one on one. Wonderful ballhandling skills and vision. Excellent in the open court. A true floor general.

HOWEVER! The size hurts him. His jumper is inconsistent. And he does have a certain tendency to break himself fool with his suicide drives through the lane. Still on the hook for 25 million dollars in 3 years, with an exercised option.

Odds of a trade occuring? Marginal. His salary sucks, but the Raptors seem to be in love with Calderon. They may be willing to take 50 cents on the dollar. 

3) Mo Williams, Milwaukee Bucks
17.2 PPG, 6.3 APG

From HoopsHype: Very quick and talented point guard with good court vision and superb ballhandling. He’s a very good scorer with an improving shot. Offensively, he’s got skills to pay the bills.

HOWEVER! He’s still a two-guard in a point guards body. His decision making still needs improvement and he has defensive lapses. Also, Momar is injury prone. (Momar? Get it?!?)

Will he be traded? Not likely. He’s the got the most salary coming back to him. But he is an underrated scoring option. And the Bucks do have inclination to trade everybody. And in a world where the three way trade is always an option, a good sales job on Momar may bring him new life.

Anyhoo. Moving on. More stuff.

The Trickiness of Underrated.

It is not easy to define what makes a player underrated. The good player may be on a team made of stars. The young player may have consolidated the skills that made him hyped sometime in June. The pitcher may finally have a defense that works for him.

But there are names that are flying under the radar this season. We’re gonna let our light shine upon these underrated going into 2008. These are the guys you need to be watching. Eyes front, these are your new heroes.

The Grand National Championships Present: Dude’s that Don’t Suck

Curtis Granderson CF-Detroit

Now, I know what you’re thinking. He had one of the all time great seasons in baseball history last year, how can he be underrated? You see, while he was spectacular, he is still not a complete player. He is much less than passable versus left-handed pitching, and this will be the year that he turns the tide. Consolidating that with his dominace versus right handed pitching, he will be downright spectacular. And in a line-up with superstars like Miggy Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Dontrelle Willis, Gary Sheffield and Justin Verlander? He is still going to fly under the radar.

Jeremy Hermida RF-Florida

When somebody makes the big leagues at the age of 21, he comes with savior level expectations. When somebody goes between awful and injured at age 22, people get disappointed. The first half of age 23? A lot of same shit different day. The second half? Awesome. .340/10/36/.401/.555. He’s ready for the world, so long as he stays healthy.

Chad Billingsley RHP-LA Dodgers

You want to know a reason why the Dodgers are going to improve this year? Bank on Billingsley. Last year when he finally made his entrance into the starting rotation after some scuffling in the bullpen, this young man became the putative ace of the Dodgers with a 3.38 ERA from June onward. And yet? In a world where Brad Penny had sex with Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku and Clayton Kershaw is a prospect with Hall of Fame potential, Chad Billingsley is a mere afterthought.

Wasn’t he the kid in Heavyweights?

Corey Hart RF-Milwaukee

As a wise man once said. You don’t go messing with a country boy, a country boy, a country boy. And this native of Bowling Green, Kentucky is a man that is more than sharing a name with a no-talent assclown. This giant of a man with a broad base of skills is less visible than Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Yovani Gallardo, Ben Sheets, Eric Gagne, hell, even Jason Kendall is better known to the casual fan. But the fact of the matter is, his flaw to superstardom is more correctable than our favorite 100 Grand. A lot easier to take more walks than hit lefthanders.

These are four names you need to know, casual baseball fan. These are four names that will be even bigger next year. If you don’t know? Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Movies are Fun, you guys. (An AL East Preview)

I like Movies! I like Danny Mothers, but I like movies more! I give movies a 6 out of seven! Yay!

We are looking at feature films, theories, and other movie things as…your AL East

5) The Baltimore Orioles ARE Doomsday

This team has been fighting infection. Mediocre mutates to bad. Bad mutates to mediocre. Superstars become comic book parodies. Heroes disappear. Only one person can save the city. Adam “not Pacman” Jones. Only he can fight the infected. Only he can change the world.

With Peter Angelos as “This is OUR city!” Guy. 

THIS IS OUR CITY!

4) The Toronto Blue Jays are Never Back Down

There seems to be a veritable buttload of institutional flaws within the system of the Toronto Blue Jays. Poor drafting, bad free agent signings, and Doug Melvin has engaged several instances of small scale pwnage. The Blue Jays need a young firebrand who’s angry at the world to shake things up as well as a wise mentor type to channel his anger. Sadly, while David Eckstein has a value as a “NEVER BACK DOWN!” mentor, Adam Lind is nowhere near the firebrand that the Blue Jays need to change the game in the AL East.

3) The Tampa Bay Rays are Juno

They seem revolutionary, but they’re really not. Although dropping the Devil is like dropping the fact that the screenwriter is a stripper, being a “surprising indie coming of age tale” is a lot like being “the new bandwagon” in baseball. It’s all been done before. Even if the fantasy baseball nerd among us can name the entire Ray lineup (Dioner Navarro, Carlos Pena, Akinori Iwamura, Jason Bartlett, Evan Longoria, Carl Crawfird, B.J. Upton, Jonny Gomes, and opening day starter Scott Kazmir). Even if there will be some amazing performances. Even if that dude who broke the Yankee catchers wrist is as hardcore as Ellen Page in Hard Candy, the backlash is going to happen. It will be swift. It will be violent. I drink Rocco Baldelli’s milkshake.

2) The New York Yankees are Will Ferrell.

They have been a dominant force. Funny or Die meets Murderers Row. Anchorman meets the 1998 Yankees. But after the collapse of both Bewitched and the 2004 Yankees in the ALCS, both the Yankees and Will Ferrell have gone stale. The Yankees kept buying old men and useless. Will kept with the sports movies. But this year the Yankees stood strong, and will have an infusion of a full year of Joba Chamberlain and Phillip Hughes as well as Ian Kennedy to bolster the pitching staff. Will Ferrell has a buddy comedy with John C. Reilly. They have intrigue this year. 

1) The Boston Red Sox are Auteur Theory

In 2004, David Ortiz changed the axis of baseball, and it was good. Much like Francois Truffaut changing the axis of film. However, the backlash has returned, and the backlash is strong. Sure, they do keep infusing themselves with prospects and reclamation projects (Jacoby Ellsbury and Bartolo Colon). But to hold the Red Sox as dominant baseball team as a good thing is much like saying the auteur theory can hold weight with the creators of Meet the Spartans falling under the auteur designation. With Theo Epstein as Andrew Sarris, and Manny Ramirez as Alfred Hitcock.

MANNY BEING GOOOOOD EVENING…

That’s your AL East. In 30 foot technicolor. God love it.

Who the Hell does Andre Tippett think he is?

Pictured with his Sensei, Rabbi Martin Feinburg and Down Syndrome Sylvester Stallone. 

Going around calling himself a Hall of Famer like that? What the hell did he do? Nothing, that’s what.

You say he had 100 sacks and 2 every three games? I say that’s useless. You say he was Greg Lloyd before Greg Lloyd was Greg Lloyd? I say where is the horrific violence toward his children? You know who he is?

KOSHER ME!

A Dollar Tree Jewish Pat Swilling, that’s who. Pat Swilling had 6.5 more Sacks, played in more career games, had more picks, and had a touchdown return (which Tippett does not), as well as just as many Player of the Year honors, and he was elected to the freaking Louisiana State Legislature, not to mention repeated shoutouts in The Onion Article “Who do you think you are–former New Orelans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling?“ 

And to be honored by that bastion of Faux Journalism should be enough for entry, thank you very much.

Pat Swilling is a man who was just flat out robbed by the Hall of Fame comittee, and not in the cute, hey let Travis Fryman or Shawon Dunston into the Hall way either. He never did the Hell of a drug that is Cocaine. He did not need rap music to prove that he was not here to cause any trouble. All Pat Swilling did was be awesome.

I MADE VAUGHAN JOHNSON AND RICKEY JACKSON SON!

If Andre Tippett climbs the Hill? Then you must fill with Swill!

Andrew!

I don’t care about this NFL Monster. I don’t.

I just want one thing. I want the Patriots fans to say to themselves, I guess it does all even out. I was being such a douchebag with my conspiracy theories. It’s been confirmed. Even in Parity, the NFL wants a monster. The Patriots were dead on multiple occasions in the final two minutes, and out of all the extrications?

Two were Baltimore’s fault.

What am I supposed to say? The penalties were real? Samari Rolle is not, as they say, a grown ass man? The Ravens really should have spied Brady on 4th and 6? The Massholes that dial up WEEI and scream about us versus the world would not admit it.

But the fact remains that whatever phantom calls that occured versus the Colts and whatever NBC did to the feed versus the Eagles came back in spades. The Ravens were double game and up to the task.

But the suits upstairs don’t want the Pats losing to a lame duck. They want HAWT. They want ZAZZ. They want TEH SEXXORS BACK.

They want the Pats to lose to Miami. Then it’s all…symmetrical. 

This is why I hate Boston Sports Fans.

I write for Epic Carnival. You know this. I’ve sent you there once or twice. But I have to call out one of my “teammates.”

No Elvi, it’s not one you’re thinking. It’s Brian Foley. He is from the Northeast. He is a Patriots fan. He wrote the whiniest, everybody’s against my team post, ever.

Ever.

You want a choice cut so you can avoid the link? How’s this?!

• If the NFL wanted the Patriots to change the playing surface at Gillette Stadium then the Pittsburgh Steelers should be forced to do the same. (Because a bureaucracy such as the NFL moves at Lightning Speed! Remember how long it took for the NFL to do anything with Vick? No? Figured.)
• This bias against the Patriots continued during the 2007 season when the Patriots were docked their 2008 first round pick after getting caught videotaping the opponents coaches from the sidelines. (Because they were dumb enough to get caught, and you notice they didn’t go for the team that was .500 at the time? They could have forced them to give the rights of the 49ers Pick. You know this.)
• Why was NBC getting such great audio of Tom Brady at the line on Sunday night? Was it because NBC wanted to make sure that every team in the league could hear Brady’s audible signals? (This one is really stupid. I need a paragraph break.)
• (Wow. Really? The team that they went to for their first flex game? That was against the Bills? Who did not have their one offensive threat healthy? Where Al Michaels was cracking wise on the premise that they were running up the score? You missed that game? Or were you still too busy bitching that the refs were going after your team in Indy? Yeah. You probably were. Because every professional ever hates your team like they were a Jets fan. Right…)

Look. I’m not going to go all KSK and offer twenty bucks to break the guy’s fingers or anything. But the matter of the fact is that a dominant team is good for any sport. How many of us loved hoop when it was in the era of the Jordan rules?

And if you want to talk conspiracy theory, your default sports conspiracy is that the superstars get protected. So too your scrappy white guys. The Massholes have both in scads. (WELKAH!)

You’re rooting for an awesome team. Even the haters cannot deny. We’re resigned to the fact that 16-0 is a probability. We’re even steeling ourselves for a 19-0 season. It’s okay.

But when fans of a good team start whining, they deserve to get called out.

SCOTT ZOLAK’S NOT YOUR WHEELMAN ANYMORE DUMBASS!

ANDREW!

How to make your kids hate you. Rule #1 Force them to listen to Lee Corso and Regis Philbin!

That’s right. Force your young children to love the same sports as you; make them watch DVD’s from Team Baby Entertainment!

But what does Team Baby Entertainment wish to accomplish??

“The goal of Team Baby Entertainment is to allow parents, grandparents, alumni and friends to share their love, loyalty and passion for their favorite teams with their children” says Greg Scheinman, Founder and CEO of Team Baby Entertainment. “Our product is an informative, entertaining and educational way to introduce a child to the university and/or team you root for.”

This means that the parent who wants their kids to hate them and their beloved sports teams can now watch Team Baby Entertainment DVD’s with special celebrity hosts!

There’s too many of these awesome DVD’s to do one at a time so I’ll give you the rundown of “Look Who’s Talking” on some of these brillant DVD’s.

 

Team Baby NASCAR: JAY LENO!

Team Baby New York Yankees!:  George Steinbrenner!

Team Baby Boston Red Sox!:  Ben Affleck!

Team Baby New York Knicks!:  CLYDE “NO PLAY FOR MR. GRAY!” FRAZIER!

Team Baby Ohio State Buckeyes!:   LEE CORSO!

Team Baby Notre Dame!:  Regis “I’M OLD!” Philbin!

I am so going to buy some of these awesome DVD’s.  They usually run about 30 minutes and just owning one alone makes you cooler than the fonz!

 Insert your hilarious comments in the comments section!

ELVI!

True Confessions of a Sports Fan.

Listen, here’s the thing.

In a vacuum? The Boston Red Sox are a great story. You have the whimsically goofy Jonathan Papelbon and Manny Ramirez. You have a beloved affable superstar in David Ortiz. Kevin Youkilis is a golem! And that’s just barely scratching the surface.

JON LESTER BEAT THE CANCERS!

In fact, the other good teams in Boston have good sports stories to go along with them.

I can pitch them for you in a quick logline form.

BOSTON COLLEGE: A football team’s beloved coach throws up his hands and skips town due to the teams lack of prospects. But thanks to the career assistant next door, the team has achieved heights previously unseen.

MATT RYAN, HEISMAN FAVORITE: A gunslinging stranger comes out of the North to shake up the golden gods of Heisman Town with his gunslinging ways. But will he survive the duel with the Dennis Dixon?

THE FORCE IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH MATT RYAN!

The Boston Celtics: Three superstars who have only achieved a sniff of the playoff elixir join forces to return a once-proud franchise to glory.

See? You’d love to see a BC-Oregon Quarterbacking duel. The Celtics are Three Amirgos meet Space Cowboys. BC Football? How about Better off Dead meets Football?

And yet? Malaise.

You know why. Really. There’s a reason sane people apologize for being Red Sox fans.

The fact is, we would like to enjoy your successes. You deserve them, Boston. Just understand that we don’t give a fuck about Tony C. or the Impossible Dream.

That and the Patriots. They can go to hell and die. Apparently they’re playing a big game next week. I’m in total media blackout of the 24-7 Sports Cycle.

It’s not working, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try.

All You Need to Know.

Everybody’s going to over-analyze the big news of yesterday or hype up next week to the point where you want to punch a puppy. Not here. At the Grand National Championships, if we cannot do it in ten words or less, we will let you do the work. We like your moxie.

Anyway. Here’s what happened yesterday.

New England 52, Washington 7
Indianapolis 31, Carolina 7

• ESPN’s at full erctile functionality! Bellichick does rhyme with dick.

Detroit 16, Chicago 7

• Jon Kitna better not start with the trademarking. Jesus hates that.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 13

• A black coach is about to lose job. NOIS silent.

NY Giants 13, Miami 10

• London rain made this game torture. Eli Manning Nose Dive?

Philadelphia 23, Minnesota 16

• And the Donovan McNabb season ending injury watch starts…now.

Cleveland 27, St. Louis 20

• Steven Jackson hurt again, Marc Bulger wishes he was dead.

Tennessee 13, Oakland 9

• Merril Hoge has Vince Youngs family in grave danger.

Buffalo 13, New York Jets 3

• Chad Pennington makes the suck again. Losman to Evans reborn?

 San Diego 35, Houston 10

• Pam Ward- “San Diego came out on fire today!”

Jacksonville 24, Tampa Bay 23

• Ike Hilliard is now hated by people not named me.

New Orleans 31, San Fransisco 10

• Drew Brees and Marques Colston party like it’s 2006.

Alex Rodriguez opts out of his contract

• If Mike Lowell was secure in his manhood, he’d french ARod.

I’m serious too. ARod’s series usurping announcement just made Mike Lowell over Ten Million Dollars. I don’t think there are many people who would delve into homoerotica if they were getting eight figures more than their previous total.

I may delve deeper into Mike Lowell being richer than Astronauts later, but I will do something on the city of Boston and their beloved sports teams making the rest of the USA wish them banhammered.

David Stern has ruined my love of the NBA.

I actually grew up watching a different sport than most kids on their fathers knee. Sure, I saw the no-hitter of Juan Nieves with my pops in 1987. But the fact is, the Brewers and the Packers were pretty much awful growing up.

The Milwaukee Bucks? On the other hand. They were a Don Nelson coached team. That was what a young child would consider to be awesome. They ran, they scored. Sure, they never made the finals, but I was in love with the world as well as sesame street. I had no expectations.

And even if the Bucks weren’t exactly good, I could love a good NBA game from when I was young. The Suns-Bulls NBA Finals was a classic. An absolute classic. I have to say the result wasn’t what I hoped for, but the journey was awesome.

But as this season rolls around, I have to say my enthusiasm has waned. It’s not ticket costs. It’s not the laziness. It’s not the hip-hopketball culture.

It’s one man. David Stern.

And yes, it does have something to do with the perception of David Stern as a Machiavelli whom decides match-ups based on ”Zazz” and not on on-court activity. But that’s not nearly it.

I am sincerely beginning to believe David Stern a racist.

(Yes. I know, 200 words to get to my point. It’s called a subplot people.)

More to the point, I think David Stern is, like the Indiana Pacers, trying to conservatize the league for the sportswriters who bitch that all players are thugs whom care about nothing becides “bling-bling” the “benjamins” and “street cred,” while anybody else in the league gets a free reign.

It’s like the Sports Frog says.

For officials:

• “Our ban on gambling is absolute, and in my view it is too absolute, too harsh and was not particularly well-enforced over the years,” Stern said. “We’re going to come up with a new set of rules that make sense.”

For Players: (Re: The Robert Horry incident).

• “Our players have to learn that they can’t leave the bench and move 20 feet down the line, wherever it is, and be subject to all of the possible things that can happen,” Stern said Wednesday. “That’s why it’s a red-letter rule.”
• “To listen to the palaver that Robert Horry changed the series is just silly,” Stern said. “What changed the series is Amare and Boris ran out onto the court and they either forgot about it or they couldn’t control themselves. I don’t know which one. And there wasn’t an assistant coach there, one of six, to restrain them. OK, so now either we have to have new rules, put up a fence, or hire more assistant coaches.”

David Stern doesn’t care about his players. David Stern doesn’t care about the fans that don’t shell out the ducats. I will give you one dollar if David Stern can go the entire season without giving out an interview where he doesn’t try to play off a controversy by being an authoritarian dickhole.

Refs get the rules changed for them because they can’t handle a code of conduct. Players can’t. It’s a red-letter rule.

David Stern needs to let this league go. The NBA needs a blood transfusion. It needs one badly.

I will tell you my choice for comissioner, later in the blog.