From America: The Book…
“To truly succeed in public office, a politician needs an indefinable quality above and beyond intelligence, dedication, and any grasp of the issues. The French call it “je nais se quoi.” Americans, who aren’t pretentious snobs and don’t need fancy words to make them feel all cool, call it “it.”
Using the America: The Book Test, I plan to show you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when one Ted Kennedy leaves office, Manny Ramirez. Seriously, Manny, would be an appropriate Senatorial Candidate, with perhaps a future eye toward the presidency?
Perhaps it’s scary, but come on, so long as we have our current president, odds are it can’t get any worse.
The Test: Does Manny Ramirez have “it?”
1) Do people from different ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds feel comfortable with you, even when you neither know or care about them?
–Yes. Manny has been known to forget names and dates as well as faces with a blitheness. 1 full point for Manny here.
2) Can you express strong emotion on cue?
–Considering his innumerable trade requests? It’s absolutely a full point for Manny on this one.
3) Do you have disciples?
–All you need to do is google Manny+Ramirez+Julian+Tavarez and I do declare that you would buy that Manny would get a full point here.
4) Do strangers offer you sex with little or no coaxing?
–Oh please, Manny Ramirez is a rich and famous athlete. POINT!
5) Does your portrait look good when hanged over a bureaucrat’s desk?
Now who wouldn’t want that photo in classrooms and over desks in this great land? The evildoers. POINT FOR MANNY!
6) In school, did you have few true friends but dozens of student council volunteers?
–I cannot, in good consciense, give Manny a point here. He was a superjock in high school. They did not have Student Council Volunteers. Thus, squadush for Manny.
7) Have your children written memoirs casting you as an emotionally unavailable enigma?
–It was not exactly his children, but Dan Shaughnessy’s maturity level allows for me to say, sure. Half a point.
8) Do people feel like they are the only ones in the room when you are talking to them?
–Rich and famous athlete much? Clearly, that’s a point. People are idiots.
9) Do rooms feel like they’re they only ones in the house when you are in them?
–It’s too easy of a joke for me to allow Manny a full point here. Half a point, and if you can guess the joke, it’s negative one for you.
10) Are you able to pass off glaring defects of character as lovable quirks?
–Ahem, have I introduced you to Manny Being Manny? If that’s not a point, it’s two. That’s how he rolls.
11) When you play tag, are you often it?
–It is Manny Being Slow-Moving. Thus Point for Manny.
12) Is your hair flecked with enough grey to make it seem like you’ve been around the block, but not enough to seem “Medicare-y”?
–At Press time? No. But later? Perhaps we can revisit.
So, what did we learn? Manny Ramirez is it rich to Nine Points. If Manny Ramirez were so inclined, he would make a rocking Governor, Senator, or even mere Representative of the Great state of Massachusetts. He would also make a run for President, but he would lose in the primaries.*
*Unless he would be a Democrat in a “Who and whoer” year. (A.K.A. Every primary since I’ve been alive.)
And if you forget, this photo would make a great poster.
Manny Wants You!