The AL West Preview you’ve always wanted.

Okay, you know what? The AL West is like a set of pretty girls doing stuff. Aesthetically pleasing. Initially interesting, but ultimately insubstansial. They do not bring it when it counts.

Quite frankly? The AL West is roughly equivalent to the English Pin-Up Girls. And I will preview them thusly.

4) The Texas Rangers are Katie “Jordan” Price

Of all the teams in the AL, the Texas Rangers are the most uninterestingly garish. Sure Josh Hamilton and the Middle Infield are the rough equivalent of Miss Price’s Mammary Glands, but that’s all they’ve got. Pure and simple? The Rangers are the ugly plastic girl with a poor personality. If they get to 75 wins? They’ll be lucky.

3) The Oakland A’s are Vikki Blows

Like a team that has a youth infusion, there will always be new attractive models in this world. Of the English set, the women in question is Vikki Blows. All the prospects that came after the A’s changed gears will not make a splash for the A’s in 2008. But point of fact? Chris Carter and Gio Gonzalez may not be first, but they sure as heck will be next. And Vikki will emerge for great attractiveness when the A’s kids get ready for battle.

 

2) The Seattle Mariners are Lucy Pinder

As Lucy Pinder is an attractive woman, the Seattle Mariners are a good baseball team. Not oh my god special. But they are pretty good. They loaded themselves up to make a move to escape the shadow of the Angels. But the fact of the matter is, the Angels are a prettier team on paper. And Erik Bedard cannot answer the high cheekbones of John Lackey. They are good, just not good enough to get the pennant.  

1) The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) are Keeley Hazell

This is the preeminent model type woman across the pond. The Los Angeles Angels are the pre-eminent team in the AL West. Sure, the loss of Kelvim Escobar is like a bad hit of plastic surgery on the beautiful playoff contender, but Jon Garland will knock down 85% of all of that production. The only question? Will she float across the pond and knock out the sexy crossover potential?

Yes. I get the sense you may find this a cheap ploy. You may be right.

But the fact remains, the analysis is trenchant. And there will be only one more comparison post until football season.

Thanks for reading.

The Trickiness of Underrated.

It is not easy to define what makes a player underrated. The good player may be on a team made of stars. The young player may have consolidated the skills that made him hyped sometime in June. The pitcher may finally have a defense that works for him.

But there are names that are flying under the radar this season. We’re gonna let our light shine upon these underrated going into 2008. These are the guys you need to be watching. Eyes front, these are your new heroes.

The Grand National Championships Present: Dude’s that Don’t Suck

Curtis Granderson CF-Detroit

Now, I know what you’re thinking. He had one of the all time great seasons in baseball history last year, how can he be underrated? You see, while he was spectacular, he is still not a complete player. He is much less than passable versus left-handed pitching, and this will be the year that he turns the tide. Consolidating that with his dominace versus right handed pitching, he will be downright spectacular. And in a line-up with superstars like Miggy Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Dontrelle Willis, Gary Sheffield and Justin Verlander? He is still going to fly under the radar.

Jeremy Hermida RF-Florida

When somebody makes the big leagues at the age of 21, he comes with savior level expectations. When somebody goes between awful and injured at age 22, people get disappointed. The first half of age 23? A lot of same shit different day. The second half? Awesome. .340/10/36/.401/.555. He’s ready for the world, so long as he stays healthy.

Chad Billingsley RHP-LA Dodgers

You want to know a reason why the Dodgers are going to improve this year? Bank on Billingsley. Last year when he finally made his entrance into the starting rotation after some scuffling in the bullpen, this young man became the putative ace of the Dodgers with a 3.38 ERA from June onward. And yet? In a world where Brad Penny had sex with Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku and Clayton Kershaw is a prospect with Hall of Fame potential, Chad Billingsley is a mere afterthought.

Wasn’t he the kid in Heavyweights?

Corey Hart RF-Milwaukee

As a wise man once said. You don’t go messing with a country boy, a country boy, a country boy. And this native of Bowling Green, Kentucky is a man that is more than sharing a name with a no-talent assclown. This giant of a man with a broad base of skills is less visible than Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Yovani Gallardo, Ben Sheets, Eric Gagne, hell, even Jason Kendall is better known to the casual fan. But the fact of the matter is, his flaw to superstardom is more correctable than our favorite 100 Grand. A lot easier to take more walks than hit lefthanders.

These are four names you need to know, casual baseball fan. These are four names that will be even bigger next year. If you don’t know? Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Movies are Fun, you guys. (An AL East Preview)

I like Movies! I like Danny Mothers, but I like movies more! I give movies a 6 out of seven! Yay!

We are looking at feature films, theories, and other movie things as…your AL East

5) The Baltimore Orioles ARE Doomsday

This team has been fighting infection. Mediocre mutates to bad. Bad mutates to mediocre. Superstars become comic book parodies. Heroes disappear. Only one person can save the city. Adam “not Pacman” Jones. Only he can fight the infected. Only he can change the world.

With Peter Angelos as “This is OUR city!” Guy. 

THIS IS OUR CITY!

4) The Toronto Blue Jays are Never Back Down

There seems to be a veritable buttload of institutional flaws within the system of the Toronto Blue Jays. Poor drafting, bad free agent signings, and Doug Melvin has engaged several instances of small scale pwnage. The Blue Jays need a young firebrand who’s angry at the world to shake things up as well as a wise mentor type to channel his anger. Sadly, while David Eckstein has a value as a “NEVER BACK DOWN!” mentor, Adam Lind is nowhere near the firebrand that the Blue Jays need to change the game in the AL East.

3) The Tampa Bay Rays are Juno

They seem revolutionary, but they’re really not. Although dropping the Devil is like dropping the fact that the screenwriter is a stripper, being a “surprising indie coming of age tale” is a lot like being “the new bandwagon” in baseball. It’s all been done before. Even if the fantasy baseball nerd among us can name the entire Ray lineup (Dioner Navarro, Carlos Pena, Akinori Iwamura, Jason Bartlett, Evan Longoria, Carl Crawfird, B.J. Upton, Jonny Gomes, and opening day starter Scott Kazmir). Even if there will be some amazing performances. Even if that dude who broke the Yankee catchers wrist is as hardcore as Ellen Page in Hard Candy, the backlash is going to happen. It will be swift. It will be violent. I drink Rocco Baldelli’s milkshake.

2) The New York Yankees are Will Ferrell.

They have been a dominant force. Funny or Die meets Murderers Row. Anchorman meets the 1998 Yankees. But after the collapse of both Bewitched and the 2004 Yankees in the ALCS, both the Yankees and Will Ferrell have gone stale. The Yankees kept buying old men and useless. Will kept with the sports movies. But this year the Yankees stood strong, and will have an infusion of a full year of Joba Chamberlain and Phillip Hughes as well as Ian Kennedy to bolster the pitching staff. Will Ferrell has a buddy comedy with John C. Reilly. They have intrigue this year. 

1) The Boston Red Sox are Auteur Theory

In 2004, David Ortiz changed the axis of baseball, and it was good. Much like Francois Truffaut changing the axis of film. However, the backlash has returned, and the backlash is strong. Sure, they do keep infusing themselves with prospects and reclamation projects (Jacoby Ellsbury and Bartolo Colon). But to hold the Red Sox as dominant baseball team as a good thing is much like saying the auteur theory can hold weight with the creators of Meet the Spartans falling under the auteur designation. With Theo Epstein as Andrew Sarris, and Manny Ramirez as Alfred Hitcock.

MANNY BEING GOOOOOD EVENING…

That’s your AL East. In 30 foot technicolor. God love it.

Now is the winter of our discontent!

OH NO! RUN!

There is a reason why I titled this post with a quote from Shakespeare/The Simpsons.  I’m still coping with the loss of Green Bay’s fortunate son, Brett Farve.  There is a way I’ve come to grips with this staggering loss in the frozen tundra. 

I will put on my hipster English Major hat and compare Farve to Literature’s greatest lines from novels and plays!

Please to note: my elegant English Major hat!  

 

A Farewell To Arms – Ernest Hemingway (shotgun enthusiast )

“But after I had got them out and shut the door and turned off the light it wasn’t any good. It was like saying good-bye to a statue. After awhile I went out and left the hospital and walked back to the hotel in the rain.”

One can make the comparison that Brett Farve is the protagonist Frederic Henry; a hard boozing sort who’s love interest Miss Barkley ( The Packers) dies. Frederic Henry has no choice but to leave them with nothing but his memories and a piece of him, that is gone forever.

Macbeth – Willam Shakespeare 

Is this a dagger which I see before me,

The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee;

I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.

Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible

To feeling as to sight? or art thou but

A dagger of the mind, a false creation,

Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?

I see thee yet, in form as palpable

As this which now I draw.    Macbeth, Act II, scene i

Clearly, Brett Farve is Macbeth.  This dagger that is appearing in front of him in the form of a hallucination, is retirement.  By clutching this imaginary dagger in his meaty palm, Farve is getting ready to stab this retirement into the soft belly of his adoring fans.  The searing pain will only worsen as Farve rips out his fans entrails and insanely feasts on them as his neo-vicodin.

 

The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald (Zelda lover)

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.
“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

Logically, one can deduce that in this passage we see reminiscing Farve.  A Farve who’s clearly learned his lessons and has decided that he may not want to be the one thing that’s always dogged him. Criticism.  More specifically, the media.  He does not to become what he’s always dreaded.   Some pompous ass who could never hack it who’s only able to mock and criticize those who were better.

Case in point:  Skip Bayless

To close, I hope you enjoyed this waltz down literature lane.  I know I’ve enjoyed going back and reviewing the stories and plays I should have read in high school.  If you have any other great works that would work for Brett Farve, please leave them in the comments.

ELVI!

Here’s the one thing you need to know about Politics.

If you have achieved a certain level of fame? You will be approached to run for office. It does not matter when, it does not matter where, if you did something major. You will be approached to run for something.

The leadership in both parties? They are starfuckers like the rest of us.

This is where the election in the Missouri 9th Congressional District comes in. Republican Matt Blunt is retiring as Missouri’s governor. And the representative from the 9th, Republican Kenny Hulshof, is the man that’s handpicked to take his place.

But who takes Kenny Hulshof’s place?

That’s Brock Olivo. He was a legend in the mid-1990′s for the University of Missouri. A good player on a bad team. Also, a white running back.

This man has been tabbed as the Republican front-runner to pick up the open seat. This is not where the problem lies. Athletes have served ably in political office for several decades, and most of them have been Conservatives.

Here’s where it starts to go bad.

• “Not only was I football player, but I also was in social studies class, and I have a passion for how this country works,” Olivo said.

  

Now, an excellent Civics teacher can imbue someone with the lifelong passion for politics, and the fact of the matter is you can’t really say if he’s volunteered or done some work for a campaign. After all, the rumor is that Roy Blunt courted this man personally to run for the 9th. And a Blunt is to Missouri what a Daley is to Chicago, so there has to be something to this man’s candidacy, right?

•  ”I’m a Republican for now, that’s all I can say,” Olivo said. “I believe in hard work. I believe in values, and my platform will surface in due time, and I’ll be glad to sit down with you and talk to you about that.”

The Republican platform is easy. Islamofacists? Bad. The Gays? Worse. Troops fighting Evil? Support it. Tax Cuts? Awesome.

My personal opinion does not matter on this, I can’t vote for the guy, he can be Tom Coburn Arch-Conservative for all I care. But right now, he’s nothing more than an ex-Special Teams ace in an empty suit. Oh? And about that political passion thing?

Lies.   

• Brock Olivo wants supporters to do for him something he has never done: vote.Olivo, the former Mizzou football star now running for Congress, has never voted before in an election, public records show.

  Reached today, Olivo confirmed that he has never cast a ballot, in Missouri or anywhere else.

  “I’m a recovered apathetic,” Olivo, 31, said, adding that “I am first to admit that I was wrong.”

Apparently, he did not learn the greatest lesson of all in Social Studies class. That when you vote, you can change the world. But maybe I’m being unfair. After all, this is Brock Olivo’s first lie as a political candidate. He just might have a future in this thing.

Check him out in action. Tell me he can’t emerge as a Congressman.

In the land of the shaven, the bearded man is king!

Ever since I have grown a beard that is the envy of every 8th grade boy, my sixth sense or as I call it,”The Grizzly Adams Connection” has become heightened.  This has really helped me scour the sports world for the greatest beards in the land.  After looking for the best bearded sports stars I have come up with a top 3.

Elvi Patterson’s Bearded Brothers!

Ozzie Smith!

If you don’t like Ozzie Smith then there is something seriously wrong with you.  Besides the back flips and being the typical american tourist; Ozzie is what made baseball legendary in the 1980′s and early 90′s.  Even for a non cardials fan like myself, Ozzie Smith was the only reason to go to Bush Stadium (besides the fact that you just toured the St. Louis Arch and found their elevators too eeriely like toilet seats.) 

Few people know this but Ozzie Smith was fueled not by ampethamine’s or steroids.  Nay, The Wizard Of Oz was fueled by Beard Power.  The coarse facial hair that lived on the face of Ozzie Smith gave him the ability to do backflips and become animated on cue.  Also, the beard was manly, yet handsome.  It was so handsome that even now Walt “Clyde” Frasier would never say to Ozzie,”NO PLAY FOR MR. GRAY!”

Sadly, Ozzie Smith hasn’t been seen since visiting Springfield’s “Spot Of Mystery“.

Baron Davis!

First off, the power of the beard is strong in this jedi.  It defeated Dirk and the Mavericks.  Plus, when you look at the photo you know that Baron Davis is indeed Miami Vicetastic!  He is the epitome of Glenn Frey’s “The Heat Is On!” only you must change the words to “The Beard Is On” or to put in simplistic terms The B Is O!  The only way Baron Davis could be cooler is if he did a book tour where all he did was read Berenstain Bears books!

Let’s make Baron Davis the Spokesman for BOOK-IT!

JOHN GRIZZLY! (OVER THE TOP!)

John Grizzly is the best part about the greatest movie ever! About ARM WRESTLING!  OVER THE TOP!  John Grizzly proves to the average man that by growing a manly man’s beard you can ingest oil and gain robot powers!  I mean, how can a manly bearded man drink oil? The answer is simple; The BEARD! By having a beard you have the ability to get into your enemies’ heads! A beard will give you an intense appearance that will be reinforced by the fact that you can swallow lit cigars! There is nothing more metal than being Arm Wrestling’s Ted Kaczynski!

NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!

Love the beard you’re in,

ELVI!

Let’s keep it in the family.

McNamee, Roger Clemen’s trainer; may have told congress that he injected Roger Clemen’s wife with HGH. I’m amazed actually. This PR battle is getting dirty and gritty, much like Amy Winehouse.

to show you what is being speculated I’ll do a simple mathematical equation.

Roger Clemens

+

DEBBIE CLEMENS

X (TIMES)

ASS NEEDLES!

= (equals)

I hope that tomorrow we find out McNammee injected Clemen’s dog with HGH. Also, we have unconfirmed reports of Roger Clemens buying and using Steve Martin’s Penis Beauty Cream!

Use cream for a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis.  These reports are based on Clemens’ housekeeper receiving a brown package that had the words,‘NOT PENIS CREAM!” imprinted on the box. 

God, I love pre-spring training baseball!

ELVI!

We have your offensive starting line-up for this year’s PUPPY BOWL!

Big, big props to Animal Planet! They’re the saviours of awesome! These brillant folks started this amazing new event that in 30 years will be bigger than the NFL’s Super Bowl.  The Puppy Bowl is comprised of this nation’s greatest four legged all-stars.  These combatants of the squeaky toy, these tyrants of the water dish, will prove to all Americans (especially single women over 35, and effeminate heterosexual men) That,”Puppy Power” isn’t just some horrible catchphrase coined by an awful gimmick.

Scrappy Doo:  The worst gimmick of a horrible show!

We’re not here to discuss bad gimmicks; nay, we’re here to give the people what they want.  More cute puppies doing stuff!

2008′s PUPPY BOWL OFFENSIVE LINE-UP!

Abigail  (Wide-Receiver)
Breed: Parson Russell Terrier (aka Jack Russell Terrier)

The front runner for the MVP! (Most Valuable Puppy!)  Speculations run wild about how Abigail came into our world.  Some say that Abigail is a direct descendent of Jack Londons’ fictional heros’ White Fang and Buck (Call Of The Wild)  Others say that Abigail simply IS and always has been.  There is no doubt, however, that if you have Abigail run the slant, touch-downs will rain like chocolate! (OH NOS! DOGS CAN’T EAT CHOCOLATE!)

Attucker   (Running Back)
Breed: Beagle

The Brave Little Toaster of running backs.  Attucker adhers to the golden rule,’NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!’  Those in the know treat Attucker as a conundrum, wrapped in an engima, dropped into a martini. 

Bingo  (Quarterback)
Breed: American Staffordshire Terrier/ American Pit Bull Mix

I really, really want to like Bingo.  He’s got a tough background and he’s played in the big games.  But, all this talk of Bingo being the,”Golden Boy”, and noone has forgotten the whole squirrel/pigeon fighting ring in his doghouse (hint: Pigeons fight dirty!). Leads me to branding Bingo,”The Parker Lewis Can’t Lose!” of the puppy bowl.  You may be awesome, but all I really remember about you is THE KUBE!

Bruin (Lineman)
Breed: Alaskan Malamute

All you need to know about Bruin is this,‘DUDE, LIKES TO PARTY!”

Cali  (Lineman)
Breed: Shih Thu

This is the Gary Busey of Linemen.  If you knock on Cali, there will an apocalyptic firestorm that you will never recover from.   Seriously, DO NOT F**K WITH CALI! I’m only saying this because the last time Cali got messed with; the consequences involved vice grips and Grecco-Roman Oil Wrestling.

Cody  (Tight-End)
Breed: American Cocker Spaniel/Poodle Mix (AKA cockapoo)

Cody is better than Jeremy Shockey.  Seriously.  Ask Eli.

P.S.

Eli wants you to know that Cockapoo is his favorite name ever!  GET IT!?

Colt  (Lineman)
Breed:  Bernese Mountain Dog

Colt is the cutest player on the gridiron.  Don’t be fooled by his charm though.  Colt’s mother is better known as,”Air Bud”.  This only means one thing, if there is a slam-dunk contest during this puppy bowl.  Put your money on Colt!

Deliah (Lineman)
Breed: Shepard Mix

Deliah is tougher than Mr. T in Rocky III.  Why?  Simple, after that pussified love song by Plain White T’s came out.  Everyone in the locker room started calling Deliah and asking him what it’s like in New York City.  Suffice to say, being mocked makes Deliah mad! GRRRRR!

Dixie  (Wide-Receiver)
Breed:  Golden Retriever

This is not your Randy Moss type Receiver.  Nay, this is your Jerry Rice type Receiver!  You can count on Dixie in the clutch.  The fans know him simply as ,”Golden Jesus”.  Also, Dixie’s Samba is sheer magic and his Rumba leaves all aghast and wanting more.

Elle  (Full Back)
Breed:  Havanse

Elle makes Mike Tyson scared like a little white bitch.  Want more proof of her ferocity?  Her owner is Bea Arthur.

Ellie-Mae (Center)
Breed:  Saint Bernard/Shepard Mix

It’s been rumoured that Ellie-Mae has a drinking problem.  That’s just because she’s half Saint Bernard.  What is true is that she is prone to making Charles Grodin crazy and she’s dating another Saint Bernard named Mozart.

Emma  (Running Back)

Breed:  Parson Russel Terrier

Emma is fast.  Like, Telegram fast!  Also, you can count on Emma to watch,”Monk” with your parents while you slip out to a bar. 

The Puppy Bowl will be more entertaining than the Super Bowl.  Seriously. The Half-Time show alone is worth watching!

ELVI!

Jesus is not clutch. Fuck Jesus.

One of my two posts that I liked on Epic Carnival dealt mostly with how the religiosity of the Colorado Rockies and how that intermeshed with my general dislike of Boston dudes who like sports. I was not happy when there was no strike to cancel the World Series. But the Rockies did not get the duke. It happens.

But then some of you might remember how Jon Kitna, one of the most pious men in all of professional football, predicted a 10 win season and a playoff berth. And it all started off all sweetness and light. The Lions were 6-1. They could bat .350 the rest of the way and still reach the promised land. Jon Kitna was proving himself a prophet.

But then the Lions could only manage one win the rest of the way. A city in desperate need of hope in the midst of a near crippling depression needed some love from its football team. It was dashed on the concrete like such ripe fruit. The team, to rebuild for the googoplex of umpteenth times.

And then, there’s this story, that I (a week late) just found. It seems as if the Packers Defensive Lineman Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila went to the OTA’s and distributed 300 DVD’s to everybody for a little indie movie written by two pastor brothers in Georgia. The title? Facing the Giants.

It’s about a perenially losing high-school football team that overcomes the odds through faith and in the end (spoiler alert!) beats the local powerhouse. Now in the NFL, perenial means two consecutive seasons at .500 or below, so KGB felt this message would resonate. But now he came around before the Giants game and said “God, I feel like, in a crazy way is vindicating me. I’m kind of excited.”

KGB believed that God would take the Packers to the Super Bowl. KGB believed the miracle would not end before the most hyped super bowl of all time. KGB saw Lawrence Tynes miss two field goals. KGB saw the Packers win the toss.

KGB saw Brett throw a bad interception.  KGB saw Lawrence Tynes finally, finally sink a field goal to get the Giants to the Super Bowl. But you know what? All these failures weren’t the faults of the athletes.

PURPLE OR ANY OTHER COLOR, THEY CANNOT PLAY LATE SEASON!

Jesus can only get you so far. Jesus is a miracle worker. But you want to know about the point of fact? The point of fact is that the ride does not matter if it stops short.

Jesus comes up short when the game is on the line. Jesus will not drain the three with 0.3 seconds on the clock. Jesus will strike out with runners on base.

All in all, David Berkowitz is right. Jesus is a dog.

YEAH! TAKE THAT LaDAINIAN JESUS!

WE HAVE BREAKING PUPPY BOWL 4 NEWS!!!!!!

As many are aware.  Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl is the can’t miss event of the year! 
We at The Grand National Championships have gotten word of probably the greatest halftime show that mankind will ever witness!

THE REUNION OF PAULA ABDUL WITH M.C. SKAT CAT!

According to our sources, who we bribed with squeaky toys and catnip;”Paula Abdul has agreed in principal to reunite with animated rapper M.C. Skat Cat during the Kitty Halftime Show of this year’s Puppy Bowl!”

M.C. Skat Cat could not be reached for comment but he did release a press release that states,”She dont’ like cigarettes.  I LIKE TO SMOOOOKEE!”

When questioned about her preformance in the upcoming Kitty Half-time Show Paula Abdul said,”I like clouds that sparkle!  Sometimes, I wear this to make it safe!  Bratz movie!   we all fly away just to escape the hounding of  all.”

If you were curious…Yes, Paula will also be wearing a special costume.

This half-time show is gonna be so awesome it’s like my birthday and flag day rolled into one supreme burrito of greatness!

ELVI!