The AL West Preview you’ve always wanted.

Okay, you know what? The AL West is like a set of pretty girls doing stuff. Aesthetically pleasing. Initially interesting, but ultimately insubstansial. They do not bring it when it counts.

Quite frankly? The AL West is roughly equivalent to the English Pin-Up Girls. And I will preview them thusly.

4) The Texas Rangers are Katie “Jordan” Price

Of all the teams in the AL, the Texas Rangers are the most uninterestingly garish. Sure Josh Hamilton and the Middle Infield are the rough equivalent of Miss Price’s Mammary Glands, but that’s all they’ve got. Pure and simple? The Rangers are the ugly plastic girl with a poor personality. If they get to 75 wins? They’ll be lucky.

3) The Oakland A’s are Vikki Blows

Like a team that has a youth infusion, there will always be new attractive models in this world. Of the English set, the women in question is Vikki Blows. All the prospects that came after the A’s changed gears will not make a splash for the A’s in 2008. But point of fact? Chris Carter and Gio Gonzalez may not be first, but they sure as heck will be next. And Vikki will emerge for great attractiveness when the A’s kids get ready for battle.

 

2) The Seattle Mariners are Lucy Pinder

As Lucy Pinder is an attractive woman, the Seattle Mariners are a good baseball team. Not oh my god special. But they are pretty good. They loaded themselves up to make a move to escape the shadow of the Angels. But the fact of the matter is, the Angels are a prettier team on paper. And Erik Bedard cannot answer the high cheekbones of John Lackey. They are good, just not good enough to get the pennant.  

1) The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) are Keeley Hazell

This is the preeminent model type woman across the pond. The Los Angeles Angels are the pre-eminent team in the AL West. Sure, the loss of Kelvim Escobar is like a bad hit of plastic surgery on the beautiful playoff contender, but Jon Garland will knock down 85% of all of that production. The only question? Will she float across the pond and knock out the sexy crossover potential?

Yes. I get the sense you may find this a cheap ploy. You may be right.

But the fact remains, the analysis is trenchant. And there will be only one more comparison post until football season.

Thanks for reading.

The NL East Awesome Show, Great Job

You know what I love? Comedy that goes above and beyond. I don’t mind if the comedy misses. I love comedy that doesn’t take the same well worn road.

This is why I like the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job. It is whimsically awesome. Indeed, it is the NL East.

However, since the sketches are not 25 man Saturday Night Live affairs, we will be discussing individual players. The rankings will be in order of standings, but this is about players and situationals.

 

5) Dimitri Young is CAROL

Because like Carol, Dimitri Young was able to get himself a poke on in Season 1 of his run on the Nationals. But heading into season two, quite simply, Da Meat Hook Blew it. Like a splash of coffee to the face, Dimitri Young has gained 40 pounds off of his 2007 weight. Now? The man is playing second fiddle to Nick Johnson’s Mr. Henderson. But like Carol, Dimitri will find his way into love before the end of the episode. 

 

4) Luis Gonzalez is Pierre

The Marlins needed to get themselves a veteran influence to teach them life lessons. Luis Gonzalez fills the role ably. He will be able to teach the kinds about dance, proper meat refrigeration, not to mention the relaxing influence of meditation. Because he is here? And now that Hanley Ramirez knows how to properly wear a gold lame jumpsuit? He will be your NL MVP.

 

3) Matt Diaz is James Quall

Like James Quall was plucked from Public Access to become a key player on Adult Swim, so too Matt Diaz for your Atlanta Braves. He did not get to stay for a full year in the big leagues until he was 28. And when he came along? Lefthanders got destroyed like they were Spaghetti and Meatballs, and righthanders did not have much better luck. Matt Diaz is a beach blast for the Braves.

2) Omar Minaya is The Score Settler

Wait, what? That doesn’t–

Yes, I went off the Tim and Eric draft board for the New York Mets, but bear with me. Last year, the New York Mets just didn’t have enough to maintain their claim on the NL East lead when the Phillies ambushed them…in the creek. But Omar Minaya kept digging, and he found gold…GOLD…GOLD!!! In the Minnesota Twins creek, getting Johan Santana for little more than 24 dollars and small pox infectend blankets.

Kevin Mulvey is a walking disease.

(Also, Jon Glaser is DJ Jesus on Lucy, The Daughter of the Devil, so shut up.)

 

1) Ryan Howard is Dr. Steve Brule

It takes a special kind of man to replace Jim Thome. It takes a special kind of man to be so good that you can overshadow an MVP Award Winner without stealing his thunder. It takes a special kind of man to share the name of a character on an awesome sitcom and have no one confuse them. Ryan Howard is that sort of awesome. He will lead the Phillies to the promised land.

He will lead them to the promised land…FOR YOUR HEALTH!

YAY?

YAY!

Movies are Fun, you guys. (An AL East Preview)

I like Movies! I like Danny Mothers, but I like movies more! I give movies a 6 out of seven! Yay!

We are looking at feature films, theories, and other movie things as…your AL East

5) The Baltimore Orioles ARE Doomsday

This team has been fighting infection. Mediocre mutates to bad. Bad mutates to mediocre. Superstars become comic book parodies. Heroes disappear. Only one person can save the city. Adam “not Pacman” Jones. Only he can fight the infected. Only he can change the world.

With Peter Angelos as “This is OUR city!” Guy. 

THIS IS OUR CITY!

4) The Toronto Blue Jays are Never Back Down

There seems to be a veritable buttload of institutional flaws within the system of the Toronto Blue Jays. Poor drafting, bad free agent signings, and Doug Melvin has engaged several instances of small scale pwnage. The Blue Jays need a young firebrand who’s angry at the world to shake things up as well as a wise mentor type to channel his anger. Sadly, while David Eckstein has a value as a “NEVER BACK DOWN!” mentor, Adam Lind is nowhere near the firebrand that the Blue Jays need to change the game in the AL East.

3) The Tampa Bay Rays are Juno

They seem revolutionary, but they’re really not. Although dropping the Devil is like dropping the fact that the screenwriter is a stripper, being a “surprising indie coming of age tale” is a lot like being “the new bandwagon” in baseball. It’s all been done before. Even if the fantasy baseball nerd among us can name the entire Ray lineup (Dioner Navarro, Carlos Pena, Akinori Iwamura, Jason Bartlett, Evan Longoria, Carl Crawfird, B.J. Upton, Jonny Gomes, and opening day starter Scott Kazmir). Even if there will be some amazing performances. Even if that dude who broke the Yankee catchers wrist is as hardcore as Ellen Page in Hard Candy, the backlash is going to happen. It will be swift. It will be violent. I drink Rocco Baldelli’s milkshake.

2) The New York Yankees are Will Ferrell.

They have been a dominant force. Funny or Die meets Murderers Row. Anchorman meets the 1998 Yankees. But after the collapse of both Bewitched and the 2004 Yankees in the ALCS, both the Yankees and Will Ferrell have gone stale. The Yankees kept buying old men and useless. Will kept with the sports movies. But this year the Yankees stood strong, and will have an infusion of a full year of Joba Chamberlain and Phillip Hughes as well as Ian Kennedy to bolster the pitching staff. Will Ferrell has a buddy comedy with John C. Reilly. They have intrigue this year. 

1) The Boston Red Sox are Auteur Theory

In 2004, David Ortiz changed the axis of baseball, and it was good. Much like Francois Truffaut changing the axis of film. However, the backlash has returned, and the backlash is strong. Sure, they do keep infusing themselves with prospects and reclamation projects (Jacoby Ellsbury and Bartolo Colon). But to hold the Red Sox as dominant baseball team as a good thing is much like saying the auteur theory can hold weight with the creators of Meet the Spartans falling under the auteur designation. With Theo Epstein as Andrew Sarris, and Manny Ramirez as Alfred Hitcock.

MANNY BEING GOOOOOD EVENING…

That’s your AL East. In 30 foot technicolor. God love it.

We like Comedy (An AL Central Preview)

By now you have seen a wailing and gnashing of teeth in regards to the Yankees putting forth a contract to once-funny comedian Billy Crystal. Because clearly, 60 year-olds are good at playing funny baseball games.

But that does not mean that other comedians would not be valid additions to your favorite major league baseball teams in the AL Central. Not by a longshot. And we at The Grand National Championships would love to tell you whom would be best.

So we will.

5) The Kansas City Royals sign: Jim Gaffigan

While his burly build and work on My Boys are obvious weaknesses, Jim Gaffigan does not need to bring the crutches of a comedian to be a man of great humor. For the fine folks of Kansas City, there is nothing more interesting than a force of nature. Jim Gaffigan can be that, nay will be that Pale Force. Jose Guillen best be stepping aside. Jim Gaffigan fills his victims full of remorse.

4) The Chicago White Sox sign: Brian Regan

He may not mesh well with the leadership of the Chicago White Sox, but the fact of the matter is, within the confines of the 25-man roster, Brian Regan is a perfect fit. His clean-cut comedy is perfect for Josh Fields to feel edgy. His manic energy is perfect to stand with Jim Thome. And his love of fig newtons?

Nick Swisher loves himself the Fig Newtons. I mean, durr.

3) The Minnesota Twins sign: Brody Stevens

I was going to give you a comparison to Chris Rock in that the window of opportunity for the Twins closing is much like a stand-up finding complacency. But forget all that. The Twins need a laser rocket arm. And as comedians go, Brody Stevens is best.

‘

Hey, he couldn’t be any worse than Sidney Ponson.

2) The Cleveland Indians Sign: Zack Galifinakis

Now, you would think that musical talent would not be an effective addition for any team, you would be wrong. Garth Brooks got signed with the Padres and then they made the World Series. Galifinakis would bring much the same skill to the Indians. His comedy would make Joe Borowski consistent and the outfield awesome. It would put them over the top.

That, and his snuggling would make Andy Marte a great prospect again. Galifinakis would snuggle you back to health.

1) The Detroit Tigers sign Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt may not be the most physically gifted comic out there, but he does present a tiny strike zone target. Miguel Cabrera would love him, because then he would have a willing tag team partner for the KFC Gravy Bowls. Dontrelle Willis would love him, because the chuckles would help trade his brain after a bad start with the brain of a great start. He may not solve the bullpen problems, but he would put the Tigers over the top.

Yes. This is how I roll. I will be back with new news. Or News.

Later skaters.

Here’s the one thing you need to know about Politics.

If you have achieved a certain level of fame? You will be approached to run for office. It does not matter when, it does not matter where, if you did something major. You will be approached to run for something.

The leadership in both parties? They are starfuckers like the rest of us.

This is where the election in the Missouri 9th Congressional District comes in. Republican Matt Blunt is retiring as Missouri’s governor. And the representative from the 9th, Republican Kenny Hulshof, is the man that’s handpicked to take his place.

But who takes Kenny Hulshof’s place?

That’s Brock Olivo. He was a legend in the mid-1990′s for the University of Missouri. A good player on a bad team. Also, a white running back.

This man has been tabbed as the Republican front-runner to pick up the open seat. This is not where the problem lies. Athletes have served ably in political office for several decades, and most of them have been Conservatives.

Here’s where it starts to go bad.

• “Not only was I football player, but I also was in social studies class, and I have a passion for how this country works,” Olivo said.

  

Now, an excellent Civics teacher can imbue someone with the lifelong passion for politics, and the fact of the matter is you can’t really say if he’s volunteered or done some work for a campaign. After all, the rumor is that Roy Blunt courted this man personally to run for the 9th. And a Blunt is to Missouri what a Daley is to Chicago, so there has to be something to this man’s candidacy, right?

•  ”I’m a Republican for now, that’s all I can say,” Olivo said. “I believe in hard work. I believe in values, and my platform will surface in due time, and I’ll be glad to sit down with you and talk to you about that.”

The Republican platform is easy. Islamofacists? Bad. The Gays? Worse. Troops fighting Evil? Support it. Tax Cuts? Awesome.

My personal opinion does not matter on this, I can’t vote for the guy, he can be Tom Coburn Arch-Conservative for all I care. But right now, he’s nothing more than an ex-Special Teams ace in an empty suit. Oh? And about that political passion thing?

Lies.   

• Brock Olivo wants supporters to do for him something he has never done: vote.Olivo, the former Mizzou football star now running for Congress, has never voted before in an election, public records show.

  Reached today, Olivo confirmed that he has never cast a ballot, in Missouri or anywhere else.

  “I’m a recovered apathetic,” Olivo, 31, said, adding that “I am first to admit that I was wrong.”

Apparently, he did not learn the greatest lesson of all in Social Studies class. That when you vote, you can change the world. But maybe I’m being unfair. After all, this is Brock Olivo’s first lie as a political candidate. He just might have a future in this thing.

Check him out in action. Tell me he can’t emerge as a Congressman.

Thoughts from a Foggy Night

Maybe I have too many one sentence thoughts. Maybe I need to work them out. So? Here we go.

1. I have learned that the SEC is filled with legitimate football badasses. I would even be amenable to the split national title with Georgia. But the fact of the matter? If I was ever in a room with a Hardocre SEC football fan, I would be an angry man. A very angry man.
2. The auteur theory will die a very angry death on January 25th. The shitty writers of Eric Movie and Date Movie also direct! Francois Truffaut can suck it!
3. No Massacusetts candidate for President has ever lost the New Hampshire primary. They even wrote in Henry Cabot Lodge in 1964. This bodes a lot more ill for Mitt Romney than he will let on.
   *And it also means that the next major political posts will likely come on the heels of SUPER TUESDAY!
4. I know how to make Who’s Now? watchable. It can wait.
5. Where’s the love for Vanderbilt hoops? They’re unbeaten. They have an RPI of 6. And they’re ranked 13th and 12th. Ah well. UMass is a special little snowflake. The blood will tell for Vandy.
6. Also. I have a premise. With Mark Wohlers, Chuck Knoblauch, and Mackey Sasser– You know what? I’m saving this one too.
7. If I was thinking outside the box with a name that I would love to play third base if Dougie Baseball moves Ryan Braun. Mark Reynolds. But that’s just me, and he’s probably bad at defense too.

Anyway. I rambled. I go.

Finally, something good has come out of the BCS National Championship!

Courtesy of AWFUL ANNOUNCING!

JaMarcus Russell and His Amazing Technicolor COSBY PONCHO!

This is just another sign that the late 80′s- early 90′s are officially BACK!!!

The first sign was the reemergence of American Gladiators!  (With 100% more gay porn stars!)

NITRO:  We used to be really cool…I swear!

Now with the reappearance of the cosby sweater.  It will only be a few more months before we see new episodes of: 

ALF!

Small Wonder

Mr. Belvedere

and of course, PERFECT STRANGERS!

Life is about to be getting good!

ELVI!

P.S.

Photo courtesy of:  Lucky threadz! Go buy there shirts!

So do you all remember when I took a meeting with the Hack Producer?

It was delightful.

Anyway, I noticed a blurb on AOL Fanhouse, and I was so inspired. And since I’m not a member of the WGA, I can still take a meeting!

Hooray for me sucking at screenwriting!

Anyway, I have a question for your next TV series.

WHAT IF? An entrepeneur decides that he’s going to build a bed and breakfast on grounds where horrible tragedies occured?

IT’S: PET SEMETARY meets NEWHART with a granola based dash of BUFFY.

THE STORY SO FAR: WILLIAM WALKER GRAHAM has found himself a deal. A plot of land where everything must go. A plot of land where celebrities engaged in the time honored medieval activites of Bear Baiting, Cockfighting, and Dogfighting. And the ringleader, MARCUS VICKSON, got sent to prison for it.

OH NOS! NOW I AM IN JAIL!

And after putting in money to refurbish the place, the GOOD NEWS BED AND BREAKFAST is open for business. But complications be ensuing. And these complications are in the form of annoying hippies!

STOP PROFITING OFF OF ANIMAL MURDERS!!!

But to further confuse matters, well further, one of the protestors catches Mister Graham’s fancy. She’s got that easy going hippiechick style, and she hates him. Or does she?

YES!! (At least, until sweeps…)

But strange things happen when the first guests and rubbernecks start disappearing. It seems as if there are ghosts in this bed and breakfast. And these ghosts are angry.

ANGRY BEARS ARE BAITED FOR WAR!!!

And it looks like the end for our hero! He is trapped by ghost bears and zombie dogs and he is running headlong into a pole. Klang and what not.

BUT WAIT!

STARLIGHT MENDES, the woman in question, comes charging in with weapons loaded and she saves William from the undead. The ghosts disappear for now, and there is an uneasy peace.

WHY? Because this is a sitcom that pushes paradigms, bends rules, and breaks genres. It is what you want. And the “will they?-won’t they?” sexual tension? Off the charts, baby.

Off. The. Charts.

And I shall call this…ANIMAL CRACKERZ. With a Z for the kids.

Oh, and I have that one girl from Firefly attached as Starlight.

YAY!

———————————-

Yes. I shall be taking this around to the Hollywood producers and agents and I will be getting a 13-Episode deal by the New Year. I am that good.

You’re lucky to have me readers!

Dear Tommy Tuberville.

Dude. No. Step away from Frank Broyles. You do not want to be doing this. Arkansas is a bad place for you.

How do I know? I just do. You have to trust me about this. Arkansas is a whole other breed of sports fan. They will eat you alive. If you make one of their own unhappy?

They will destroy you.

But I’m one of their own? You’re thinking to yourself. No. Not if you do this. You do this and you are the latest victim in an effort to get back to the days when Darrell Royal was the only thing that stood between the Razorbacks and the National Championship.

I know they don’t respect you at Auburn. I know they think they can get a Bobby Petrino to be their golden god and it will all be better. I mean, they deserve to win every game ever, right? Yeah, you’re looking for a good opportunity to stick it in the pee hole of the Auburn board of trustees.

Arkansas is not the answer. It will lead you away from the SEC West that you know and love. You know that patience is a virtue. You know that a certain coach of a certain powerhouse team will have an opportunity to go home, so to speak, and get to play God at an easier level.

And if you’re all “But LSU would never hire me. I took out Glenn Dorsey.” I have two things to say.

1) All will be forgiven if the price is right.

2) Dream jobs are for suckers.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

Your pal,

Andrew

The Baton Rouge Cataclysm.

Because that’s what Arkansas 50, LSU 48 was. It shook the college football world. There are so many things that need to be made mention of this game that I’m going to do that for which I hate and make this in a list form.

1) Kansas, with a win, becomes the best college football team in the country.

• Has the magic of fat guy in a little coat reached its zenith? Mizzou nation certainly hopes so. Also, the Reesing-Daniel match-up becomes just a little more important, but not nearly as fun as the Maclin-Talib whango tango.

2) Tim Tebow’s Heisman Candidacy may be in doubt yet again.

• The mainstream media is lazy and stupid. Darren McFadden had the undivded attention of many voters yesterday. The #1 team in the nation. A usually stout defense. 205 yards rushing, 4 touchdowns (1 passing). If you doubt me, I have two reasons to counteract your counter.
• 1) The last time LSU was #1 a seemingly mediocre team used the wizardry of its All-American candidate to lead their school to a shocking win in a three overtime thriller. This in turn vaulted Andre Woodson to the top of the Heisman pops.
• 2) Darren McFadden is older. No true underclassman has ever won the Heisman trophy. This is essentially a lifetime achievement award. And I know what you’re gonna say. That’s stupid right? Well, scroll up an inch or two.

3) Les Miles has been coaching like he has the Michigan job wrapped up for a while now.

• Nothing really relevant to say here, just spreading opinion and spurious rumor. It is quite fun after all.
• Expecting a Nation of Islam Sportsblog mention of Ryan Perriloux and his Nubian skin any day now.

4) How far does LSU drop?

• If it’s only to four, as some on Fox Sports have said? That would be no bueno. That’s not to say that I don’t like LSU. That’s not even to say that my belief in the SEC being overrated has anything to do with it. (Georgia should be 4th with a win over Georgia Tech.)
• What it is to say is that out of the four or five two loss teams that you would have to consider for the BCS in a disaster scenario (UConn beats West Virginia and Oklahoma beats the winner of KU-Mizzou), LSU is third.
• Though if Andre Woodson can smack Phillip Fullmer’s Sun Tzu quoting impression of Lloyd Carr up and down the field I would not reconsider this stance at a later date.

5) You want a question for down the road?

• How far will Glenn Dorsey slip in the draft?

Yeah. This game was big. It was bad. And quite frankly, it just might lead to another piece of BCS dreck served to you a week after everybody else stopped caring about the NCAA Football.

I mean really. They’re going to jerry-rig a special match-up if Kansas/Mizzou and West Virginia don’t win out. It will not inspire nor electrify.