Do you wish for an ability to drop Draft Knowledge? (Part 1)

We are helpful people at The Grand National Championships. We like you. And when you’re gonna watch the NFL Draft on the last weekend in April? You’re gonna want to know stuff. I will bring you the stuff to know.

Elvi Patterson can hate me now, but I won’t stop now.

Let me tell you all you need to know about the quarterback class.

There are five that should go on Day 1. That you know. But did you know that if you wish to know where the sleeper goes, all you need to do is look inside an [Anchorman Reference]?

(Heh. Heh. Heh.)

The Magnificient Seven (Quarterbacks)

1. Matt Ryan (QB-Boston College)
6’4″ 223 4.95

There are some whom would compare him to Joe Montana. There are some whom would compare him to Tom Brady. Hell, Pro Football Weekly would even throw in Peyton Manning. Wrong. All of you are wrong.

His arm is not laser, and he will let you down going deep. He can manage the game well, but his vertical game blows. Out and out shitty.

Not to say he won’t have real world value in 2009, it’s just that you aught to temper your hopes, guy.

But being Drew Brees means you know how to learn the Carlton Dance!

WHY Matt Ryan is the next Drew Brees? He will struggle mightily for the first few years with a bad offensive line.

2. Brian Brohm (QB-Louisville)
6’4″ 224 4.82

 

Brian Brohm has lived a sheltered life at Louisville. A spread offense guaranteed to put up numbers for any quarterback? Two brothers as coaches? His daddy as a constant presence? Even though he was injury prone, the fix was in for him to succeed.

I know, I’m being mean. He does have a laser arm. He does have on-field football smarts. He’s not fast, but he’s not a statue in the pocket. Leadership is not a strong suit, however.

WHYhe will be the next Brady Quinn? His intangibles are questionable, his arm is not that great, and if the Ravens fall in love with a cornerback? He will lose millions on draft day.

3. Joe Flacco (QB-Delaware)
6’6″ 236 4.85

 

Kerry Collins had a passing camp in South Jersey. It crossed paths with a computer camp. Theirs was a love that could not last. Fortunately, Kerry does not believe in sexual congress with condoms. Nine months later, Ms. Flacco’s baby boy was born.

Don’t believe me? Think this story libelous? Well, how about we explain that Flacco is a statuesque laser, rocket-armed quarterback who is not great under pressure and has a drinking problem*?

He’s only going to be good as his coaching and supporting cast.

WHY he may be the next Matt Schaub? He’s going to be drafted as some teams back-up in the second round, have a good game versus the Patriots, and be rumored to get dealt for two years hence. 

*The Mileage on Joe Flacco’s drinking problem may vary.

4. Chad Henne (QB-Michigan)
6’2″ 230 4.94

Being as my friend Elvi lives in Michigan, he is inundated with hype from Ann Arbor. He is sick of Chad Henne. In that way? He’s like your average Michigan fan.

But like anything that can be much-maligned, the fact of the matter is that Henne brings more to the table than you think. He throws hard, he plays hurt, and he has played well in big games not involving Ohio State. However, he is inaccurate and like the bastard child of Kerry Collins, when the line breaks down Henne cannot stand and deliver. The devil he may take ya.

WHY he may never be a full-time starter? He has a lot of bad habits that would only be correctable by good coaching. And do you know what’s the most translatable skill of a quarterback from college to the pros? Accuracy.

5. Andre’ Woodson (QB-Kentucky)
6’4″ 229 4.88

 

Let it be said that we will make an effort to speak upon him fairly. We love his style and his ability to come up big in the biggest of games. He is poor in throwing technique. He would need to land with a team that has a swanky quarterback coach to polish the rough edges. He was not great in the all-star games.

But that being said, the man is a gunslinger. He brought them back versus three teams in the Top 15 and stood toe to toe with the son of Jor-El. And while some dream of him as a Jason Campbell or a David Garrard, if everything breaks right? (And I do mean every damn thing?)

 

WHY I just might not be crazy? A 2nd round graded quarterback who can move around from a southern school who can bring his marginally talented team back against powerhouses? He’s got the heart and the balls.

These are your day one quarterbacks in terms of value. Sure, an Erik Ainge or John David Booty may sneak in if some team has a grade for them, but they’re backup value at best (Ainge more than Booty). But in Day 2 the only city that bears an interest?

San Diego!

Day 2 Sleepers

A. Josh Johnson  (QB-San Diego)
6’2″ 213 4.55

 

There’s an impetus to find upside in your quarterback. Josh Johnson is the best and brightest. He destroyed competition in the Division 1-AA (FCS, whatever) with a 43-1 TD-INT ratio. And get this? His throwing style isn’t raw either! He may not be used to the speed of the pro game, but he’s not just some spread option sucker.

He played under a pro-style offense in San Diego. Jim Harbaugh was his sensei.

But there is some dark clouds in this ray of sunshine. He’s not one of the 6’5″ 240 sized types of quarterbacks, it means he may get launched. And he may never settle into his happy feet. But the fact of the matter? If Throwing Into Traffic wants to talk about what dreams may come? Talk up Josh Johnson.

WHY he might be drafted on Day 1? You remember Tavaris Jackson? Josh Johnson is the Platinum Edition of Tavaris.

B. Kevin O’Connell (QB-San Diego State)
6’5″ 225 4.64

He may not be the one, but Kevin O’ Connell [a.k.a. Cush] sure is the prototype. Strong arm with good accuracy, good footwork along with timed speed, and he has pretty good accuracy. And his sensei is a strong molder of quarterbacks. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell a prospect. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell blossom in the most heterosexual way possible.

And yet? The man can’t stay healthy. The man could not destroy a mid-major conference even with Chuck Long’s Mr. Miyagi-style.  He can lose the plate every so often and he will not stand tall and true. He is not the gunslinger you are looking for.

WHY won’t he be another Dan McGwire? He’s agile and mobile. That and he doesn’t juice. He is not going to be a bust.

That’s it. About 1200 words in regards to your fine quarterback prospects. Yeah. This was a bit of an effort. Woot and what not.

The AL West Preview you’ve always wanted.

Okay, you know what? The AL West is like a set of pretty girls doing stuff. Aesthetically pleasing. Initially interesting, but ultimately insubstansial. They do not bring it when it counts.

Quite frankly? The AL West is roughly equivalent to the English Pin-Up Girls. And I will preview them thusly.

4) The Texas Rangers are Katie “Jordan” Price

Of all the teams in the AL, the Texas Rangers are the most uninterestingly garish. Sure Josh Hamilton and the Middle Infield are the rough equivalent of Miss Price’s Mammary Glands, but that’s all they’ve got. Pure and simple? The Rangers are the ugly plastic girl with a poor personality. If they get to 75 wins? They’ll be lucky.

3) The Oakland A’s are Vikki Blows

Like a team that has a youth infusion, there will always be new attractive models in this world. Of the English set, the women in question is Vikki Blows. All the prospects that came after the A’s changed gears will not make a splash for the A’s in 2008. But point of fact? Chris Carter and Gio Gonzalez may not be first, but they sure as heck will be next. And Vikki will emerge for great attractiveness when the A’s kids get ready for battle.

 

2) The Seattle Mariners are Lucy Pinder

As Lucy Pinder is an attractive woman, the Seattle Mariners are a good baseball team. Not oh my god special. But they are pretty good. They loaded themselves up to make a move to escape the shadow of the Angels. But the fact of the matter is, the Angels are a prettier team on paper. And Erik Bedard cannot answer the high cheekbones of John Lackey. They are good, just not good enough to get the pennant.  

1) The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) are Keeley Hazell

This is the preeminent model type woman across the pond. The Los Angeles Angels are the pre-eminent team in the AL West. Sure, the loss of Kelvim Escobar is like a bad hit of plastic surgery on the beautiful playoff contender, but Jon Garland will knock down 85% of all of that production. The only question? Will she float across the pond and knock out the sexy crossover potential?

Yes. I get the sense you may find this a cheap ploy. You may be right.

But the fact remains, the analysis is trenchant. And there will be only one more comparison post until football season.

Thanks for reading.

Movies are Fun, you guys. (An AL East Preview)

I like Movies! I like Danny Mothers, but I like movies more! I give movies a 6 out of seven! Yay!

We are looking at feature films, theories, and other movie things as…your AL East

5) The Baltimore Orioles ARE Doomsday

This team has been fighting infection. Mediocre mutates to bad. Bad mutates to mediocre. Superstars become comic book parodies. Heroes disappear. Only one person can save the city. Adam “not Pacman” Jones. Only he can fight the infected. Only he can change the world.

With Peter Angelos as “This is OUR city!” Guy. 

THIS IS OUR CITY!

4) The Toronto Blue Jays are Never Back Down

There seems to be a veritable buttload of institutional flaws within the system of the Toronto Blue Jays. Poor drafting, bad free agent signings, and Doug Melvin has engaged several instances of small scale pwnage. The Blue Jays need a young firebrand who’s angry at the world to shake things up as well as a wise mentor type to channel his anger. Sadly, while David Eckstein has a value as a “NEVER BACK DOWN!” mentor, Adam Lind is nowhere near the firebrand that the Blue Jays need to change the game in the AL East.

3) The Tampa Bay Rays are Juno

They seem revolutionary, but they’re really not. Although dropping the Devil is like dropping the fact that the screenwriter is a stripper, being a “surprising indie coming of age tale” is a lot like being “the new bandwagon” in baseball. It’s all been done before. Even if the fantasy baseball nerd among us can name the entire Ray lineup (Dioner Navarro, Carlos Pena, Akinori Iwamura, Jason Bartlett, Evan Longoria, Carl Crawfird, B.J. Upton, Jonny Gomes, and opening day starter Scott Kazmir). Even if there will be some amazing performances. Even if that dude who broke the Yankee catchers wrist is as hardcore as Ellen Page in Hard Candy, the backlash is going to happen. It will be swift. It will be violent. I drink Rocco Baldelli’s milkshake.

2) The New York Yankees are Will Ferrell.

They have been a dominant force. Funny or Die meets Murderers Row. Anchorman meets the 1998 Yankees. But after the collapse of both Bewitched and the 2004 Yankees in the ALCS, both the Yankees and Will Ferrell have gone stale. The Yankees kept buying old men and useless. Will kept with the sports movies. But this year the Yankees stood strong, and will have an infusion of a full year of Joba Chamberlain and Phillip Hughes as well as Ian Kennedy to bolster the pitching staff. Will Ferrell has a buddy comedy with John C. Reilly. They have intrigue this year. 

1) The Boston Red Sox are Auteur Theory

In 2004, David Ortiz changed the axis of baseball, and it was good. Much like Francois Truffaut changing the axis of film. However, the backlash has returned, and the backlash is strong. Sure, they do keep infusing themselves with prospects and reclamation projects (Jacoby Ellsbury and Bartolo Colon). But to hold the Red Sox as dominant baseball team as a good thing is much like saying the auteur theory can hold weight with the creators of Meet the Spartans falling under the auteur designation. With Theo Epstein as Andrew Sarris, and Manny Ramirez as Alfred Hitcock.

MANNY BEING GOOOOOD EVENING…

That’s your AL East. In 30 foot technicolor. God love it.

Thoughts from a Foggy Night

Maybe I have too many one sentence thoughts. Maybe I need to work them out. So? Here we go.

1. I have learned that the SEC is filled with legitimate football badasses. I would even be amenable to the split national title with Georgia. But the fact of the matter? If I was ever in a room with a Hardocre SEC football fan, I would be an angry man. A very angry man.
2. The auteur theory will die a very angry death on January 25th. The shitty writers of Eric Movie and Date Movie also direct! Francois Truffaut can suck it!
3. No Massacusetts candidate for President has ever lost the New Hampshire primary. They even wrote in Henry Cabot Lodge in 1964. This bodes a lot more ill for Mitt Romney than he will let on.
   *And it also means that the next major political posts will likely come on the heels of SUPER TUESDAY!
4. I know how to make Who’s Now? watchable. It can wait.
5. Where’s the love for Vanderbilt hoops? They’re unbeaten. They have an RPI of 6. And they’re ranked 13th and 12th. Ah well. UMass is a special little snowflake. The blood will tell for Vandy.
6. Also. I have a premise. With Mark Wohlers, Chuck Knoblauch, and Mackey Sasser– You know what? I’m saving this one too.
7. If I was thinking outside the box with a name that I would love to play third base if Dougie Baseball moves Ryan Braun. Mark Reynolds. But that’s just me, and he’s probably bad at defense too.

Anyway. I rambled. I go.

Look, I understand that the Bulls fan sees the Skiles firing as a ding-dong the witch is dead scenario.

I understand that if you have yourself a coach best known for his intensity in ten cities, a “players coach” usually leads to a magical run as the talent can finally breathe for a moment. But there is a problem.

The best coaches available are the same sort of coach. And they are all non-championship winning retreads.

I’ll give you five names. Tell me if any inspire anything other than a yawn. Rick Carlisle, Jeff Van Gundy, Doug Collins, Del Harris, and Larry Brown. Okay, Larry Brown doesn’t involve near as much of a yawn as say having Doug Collins return to Chicago, but Paxson would have to ask one question.

Is he more trouble than he’s worth? And the answer is very likely yes. The Bulls are a very good Eastern Conference team. That’s it. But I have been wrong before.

If you believe that the Bulls are one piece away from getting to the promised land, then and only then could you consider Larry Brown. So, it seems to me as if you have to go with an interim coach for the rest of the year.

And Pete Myers is that man.

And normally, I would be willing to say that this would make a fine situation. Pete Myers is a decent choice. He’s been around and he has a quiet, agile basketball mind. But why am I talking about Del Harris and Doug Collins then?

Because Pete Myers is a stopgap. He has been the Bulls plug and play. Look back at Jordan’s first “retirement.” Who was the new starter? Pete Myers.

When Chris Farley graduated Second City Chicago and went to Saturday Night Live, who played Matt Foley in the interim? Pete Myers.

When Erik Kramer and Steve Walsh failed as your Chicago Bears quarterbacks, who stepped up? Pete Myers.

When Mark Prior and Kerry Wood broke down for the first time, who soaked up the remaining innings? Glendon Rusch, but he was the second choice.

And when Bill Cartwright got canned? Who was the bridge to a retread in-season hire named Scott Skiles? Pete Myers.

So, you may see him lead the Bulls to an upset win tonight. You may see him get the Bulls on a roll. But in my book, you’re just as likely to see a retread as Pete Myers hanging on for the season.

And in my book, it would probably be a mistake.

Upsets are like E-Bola

Seriously. October was a month filled with sick upsets. And after a two-week stretch where the upsets were sparse. The disease has flared back up again.

Sure, if you’re Michigan State or Ohio State hoops, this doesn’t count in the grand scheme of things. (Well, except for the fact that you can consider the Big 10 lesser than the Great Lakes Intercollegiate Athletic Conference. And yes, I am jealous that Grand Valley State is great at sports.)

But games that count are showing their teeth as well. The Atlantic Sun has charged into both nearby and faraway lands and has come down with pelts of name schools. Sure, yesterday had Mercer destroying USC by 15 in Los Angeles. But the big upset of the week? Gardner Webb. A bottom of the barrel team in a low-major conference goes to Kentucky and wins handily?

That does not make sense!

Anyway. As for the football. UConn was proven to be fraudulent. Michigan lost to a banged up Wisconsin. Boston College is going to make me happy with their Cal impression. And everybody loves Juice!

But what is most importantly? The game of next week.

Duke!

Notre Dame!

There must be a winner!

On…

 

All You Need to Know.

Everybody’s going to over-analyze the big news of yesterday or hype up next week to the point where you want to punch a puppy. Not here. At the Grand National Championships, if we cannot do it in ten words or less, we will let you do the work. We like your moxie.

Anyway. Here’s what happened yesterday.

New England 52, Washington 7
Indianapolis 31, Carolina 7

• ESPN’s at full erctile functionality! Bellichick does rhyme with dick.

Detroit 16, Chicago 7

• Jon Kitna better not start with the trademarking. Jesus hates that.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 13

• A black coach is about to lose job. NOIS silent.

NY Giants 13, Miami 10

• London rain made this game torture. Eli Manning Nose Dive?

Philadelphia 23, Minnesota 16

• And the Donovan McNabb season ending injury watch starts…now.

Cleveland 27, St. Louis 20

• Steven Jackson hurt again, Marc Bulger wishes he was dead.

Tennessee 13, Oakland 9

• Merril Hoge has Vince Youngs family in grave danger.

Buffalo 13, New York Jets 3

• Chad Pennington makes the suck again. Losman to Evans reborn?

 San Diego 35, Houston 10

• Pam Ward- “San Diego came out on fire today!”

Jacksonville 24, Tampa Bay 23

• Ike Hilliard is now hated by people not named me.

New Orleans 31, San Fransisco 10

• Drew Brees and Marques Colston party like it’s 2006.

Alex Rodriguez opts out of his contract

• If Mike Lowell was secure in his manhood, he’d french ARod.

I’m serious too. ARod’s series usurping announcement just made Mike Lowell over Ten Million Dollars. I don’t think there are many people who would delve into homoerotica if they were getting eight figures more than their previous total.

I may delve deeper into Mike Lowell being richer than Astronauts later, but I will do something on the city of Boston and their beloved sports teams making the rest of the USA wish them banhammered.

Sports in Brief.

• Rutgers 30, South Florida 27. Ray Rice is Chamillionaire featuring Slick Rick compared to Walter Walker’s hip-hop police.
• You want another reason to hate the Colorado Rockies? They are trying to tradmark the bastion of classic rock stations, and the way South Carolina’s favorite son wishes to remember this holiest of months. That’s right. The Colorado Rockies want to trademark Rocktober. I say unto them only this. Jesus was a man whom believed in charitable deeds.
• Sure, Josh Beckett cares not for the reindeer games of the Cleveland Indians. However, with all the idiots that had to proclaim a team that was DOWN in the series as already having it locked up, you know whom I’m rooting for if the Red Sox actually prove the Massholes right? A crippling players strike.
• Am I the only one who doesn’t find Gilbert Arenas’ shenanigans cute anymore? Seriously, he’s the Jon Heder of basketball. Less lazy bloggers, this is all your fault.
• Apparently, the Yankees are unhappy with ESPN’s coverage of the Torre situation. In other news? Water is dry and up is dowm.
• Yeah, I said dowm. It is that weird.
• I hate that the SEC has both games of the week this week. If Auburn can prove themselves sexy vs. LSU? The ramifications may be scary. And we all know about Tebow v. Woodson.
• My fantasy football team sucks and it’s my fault.
• Oates loves the fact that UConn is now at 7-1. Oates loves them Huskies.
• 
• Also, Shawne Merriman should be tested for the chlamydia.
• 

i love you bye for now!

Here comes the hug train, pulling into the Yankee’s station!

Cheer up New York Yankees,

America knows that you lost to the Cleveland Indians.  America is very sorry and would like to help cheer you up.  We all pitched in and bought you a sympathy gift!

SINBAD!

Nothing cheers America up like the good-natured wholesome comedy of SINBAD!  We know that if Sinbad can entertain America, then certainly he can cheer you up, you Bronx Bluebirds (get it?! LOL!)

There’s no reason to fret Mr. Steinbrenner, Sinbad is an entertainer that the whole family can enjoy!  If you don’t want to be dazzled by Sinbad’s brillant and edgy comedy you can also recreate scenes from your favorite movies starring Sinbad!  You can choose from the following options!

Necessary Roughness!

Derek Jeter will play Scott Bakula’s character, “Quarterback Paul Blake!”  Just watch as Jeter and Sinbad recreate comedy gold!!

Paul Blake: You alright?
Andre Krimm: Oh, I’m doing fine; except for the fact somebody hit me with a chair.

---

Andre Krimm: The next time I invite you out with the guys keep your white butt at home.
Paul Blake: But I thought you said you wanted to Paaar-teee? 

HILARIOUS!!!  The best part is that with Sinbad! the party never stops!  Watch as Joe Torre and Sinbad! recreate the greatness that is “Jingle All The Way!!”

(Arnold) :  You built a bomb!?

 (Sinbad) : No, I didn’t build a bomb! Don’t you ever watch the news? Hundreds of these things come through the post office every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it!
 

 (Torre!) : SIIIIINNNNNNBBAAADDDDDD!!!!!!!

So, to put it nicely.  You’re Welcome Yankees!

ELVI!

Yeah, so get this. (Random blathers)

1. Wisconsin-Michigan State is one really fucking interesting game for next week. Both teams have the optomist-pessimist dichotomy to them. The Badgers are either completely underacheieving or battle tested and tougher than leather. The Spartans have either found the man to lead them out of the wilderness in Mark D’Antonio or these are still John L. Smith’s players and the other shoe will drop presently.
2. @ 1: Personal opinion, anyone who says this game is a potential upset for Michigan State is an idiot. If they win? D’Antonio is the leader at the turn for Coach of the Year and the Spartans win 9.
3. I’m concedeing on the Brewers. Two and a Half Out, eight to play. Capuano starts today. Then the Brewers get 4 with the Padres while the Cubs get three with Florida. As they say in the on-line poker community, nh gg Cubs.
4. Glass Joe got rolled by a team in the midst of scandal.  
5. UNLV shuts out Utah. Hooray for UNLV showing backbone!
6. If there was a betting window on Andre Woodson being the #1 pick in next years NFL Draft, I’ll put all 59 dollars of cash to my name on it. Upside always beats production. Always.
8. @ 7: Oklahoma State 49, Texas Tech 45.
9. @ 7: Anyone else hearing Will Ferrell yelling “Brandon get off the shed!” Anyone?
10. I am really lazy about my blogroll. Really. Because unlike some other fatty fat fat fat fucking fat assed fat bastards, if I’m going to effort at the comedic, I don’t go for the lazy lame stereotype.
11. Also, Jerry Jones was born in Los Angeles, California, and lived in North Little Rock, Arkansas. Thus, he is more likely to be a passive agressive dick to Wade than be much like Larrity.

Yeah, I’ll see most of you in another month or so when we do something off the chain amazing. Because it’s not cool to rag on the popular kids. Seriously. You’d think I learned the lesson.

I mean, anybody seen Stop Mike Lupica lately?