As we start the Sweet 16…

I’m able to quantify why this tournament isn’t strong. Well, technically it is in terms of paper talent. But my interest is fading away. It’s why I made the crack about hating winning 13 of the 14 games that I could of in my second round.

This is why I am a member of the Hater Nation right now. I brought you reasons to love every team. Now you know what? It’s time to let the hatred flow.

1 Pittsburgh: There’s no reason to think that this isn’t the year for the Panthers, except for the fact their team has underperformed in March since they days and nights of Ralph Willard. They will choke. Fuck them.
4 Xavier: There’s no reason they should get to the Elite 8. But they have a tradition of fucking your shit up in the Sweet 16. If there’s going to be an upset, it will be here.

3 Villanova: They’ve done nothing to arouse hatred out of me. But they’re playing Duke. And until they win? Memories of the childish breacketology remain. Also, Scottie Reynolds slept with your girlfriend.
2 Duke: They’re Duke. Do I need a reason? I do. Okay, because Coach K is an Arch-Conservative Ratboy who bitches about anything who doesn’t go Duke’s way. And I just got a blocking foul for that comment.

1 North Carolina: Sure, they’re not Duke. But rooting for them is like rooting for Crystal Meth.
4 Gonzaga: Outside of their usual underperformance, the simple fact that Jeremy Pargo’s Spur-like pulling down of Patty Mills cost them a chance at the NCAA Tournament.

3 Syracuse: Hey, all you high school prospects who like to hit girls? Jimmy Boeheim provides you sanctuary! Just ask star two guard Eric Devendorf!
2 Oklahoma: In a red state like Oklahoma, the love for a power forward who enjoys the comfort of women’s clothing is only showing the hypocrisy of those who wish to divide us. And that’s bullshit. I WANT SIDES, DAMNIT!

1 Louisville: Considering Louisville’s losses this season? Arizona is the sort of team that’s built to trip them up. I mean it. They play down to their perceived competition. Look back at their schedule. Red Drank broke themselves off a piece.
12 Arizona: You have two lottery picks and you’re a 12 seed? It means you do not want it. You fuck around too damn much. And Chase Budinger looks like a romantic comedy villain! How can you root for that?!?

3 Kansas: They ruined North Dakota State’s dream!
2 Michigan St.: Hey, did you know Tom Izzo was friends with Steve Mariucci? I KNOW I DIDN’T!

1 UConn: Jim Calhoun is like Jerry Tarkanian without any of the cool. He doesn’t even recruit degenerates in a gangsta fashion. ILLEGAL PHONE CALLS! OOOOOOOOH! WHERE’S THE PLAYER YOU PLY TO GO TO STORRS WITH CRACK COCAINE!
5 Purdue: The Duke of the Midwest. If Robbie Hummel played in the ACC? You would be sick to death of his hyperbole.

3 Missouri: Mike Anderson looks like Evander Holyfield in ten years, and that’s awesome. The game the play is awesome. But they cannot beat Memphis. Memphis’ backcourt can handle their swagger. And I dislike Memphis.
2 Memphis: John Calipari is like the dad who hosts all the drinking parties that you’re not invited to. He could ditch Memphis for the Clippers at any moments notice.

Okay, so the hater nation is not dead. But you need to bring RPI back selection comittee. Chalk is boring. And everybody hates good teams.

I know I do.

What do we know about the Pac-10?

West Coast? It’s Pretty Good in the hood. There isn’t 27 teams on the A-List like the Big East. But believe in it.

1. Arizona State (James Harden are who we though he was! Also? These kids can shoot. Really well.)
2. UCLA (Jrue Holiday has proven himself a playmaker, but Michael Roll is what interests me. He rolls better from beyond the arc than for two…or at the line? He so crazy!)
3. Washington (Justin Dentman has a job to do. He needs to teach Isaiah Thomas all he knows. It will be his team next year.)
4. Stanford (They zone. Like a lot. Also? Anthony Goods has taken this team on his back.)
5. Cal (Jerome Randle is silky smooth at the point. He rolls and the team rolls. He has an off night? And the team becomes Epic Fail.)
6. Washington State (A great defense, to be sure. But there is something off about this team. Is it Taylor Rochestie’s inability to protect the ball? Is it the Freshman leading the offense? This can be a good team. But there is a flaw in the diamond.)
7. Arizona (Jordan Hill needs a nickname. He’s murdered the nonconference schedule. He’s a great power forward, and I want to see a duel between him and Blake Griffin. Also? Chase Budinger is great at second banana.)
8. USC (Why is USC struggling? Because while Taj Gibson is rocking the low-post, DeMar DeRozan is nothing more than a sucker MC.)
9. Oregon (Why is Oregon struggling? Because TaJuan Porter is tiny and struggling. A Garrett Sim-Kamyron Brown backcourt would be better right now. Even with the tough schedule.)
10. Oregon State (The fact that they got to .500 after a an 0-4 start? It’s a point for the Brobama. But is there hope for the future? Maybe. If Daniel Deane and Omari Johnson weren’t a factor of their non-conference schedule.)

As we get into the Conference season, we should look to see exactly where our teams are…

And this is why we at the Grand National Championships are going to break down the teams and where they are in this world for this season.

And we will start with the Atlantic Coast Conference. Why? Because I can.

1. North Carolina (They’re good at basketball. Dun dun dunnnnnh.)
2. Duke (Any good shooting team that can take care of the ball will give Duke a game.)
3. Clemson (A paper Tiger. Their weaknesses are glaring. Again.)
4. Wake Forest (Get on the bus. Their youth may be a problem this year, but next year? This is your ACC Favorite.)
5. Maryland (Can’t shoot. Decent defense will keep you in it.)
6. Miami (FL) (Dwayne Collins is a salad bar of underrated badass.)
7. Boston College (Corey Raji has developed into a solid second option.)
8. Georgia Tech (Poor beyond the arc, at the line, and taking care of the ball. You need to be a Spur-level defense to handle that noise.)
9. Florida State (A pretty good defense, but if you can take away Toney Douglas? You can rampage over them.)
10. North Carolina State (Brandon Costner is back to studly, but the defense can’t bring them back if it breaks bad in the first half.)
11. Virginia Tech (A.D. Vassallo and Malcom Delany have poor ball control. And that, a.k.a. Point Guard is their weakness.)
12. Virginia (Maybe it’s bad times and poor memories for this season? But Mike Scott, Sammy Zeglinski, and Sylven Landesberg have hope for a tourney berth in the future.)

Why Elvi Patterson is a good tag team partner…

Or was? I dunno. Anyway, I occassionally flip through Attack of the Show. Because it’s occassionally brilliant. Anyway, there was a clip from YouTube that they aired today on their around the net. It was a loop of a rhyme “Interior Crocodile Alligator, I drive a chevorlet movie theater.”

The greatest rhyme ever, am I right? It made #2 on their Around the Net. And clearly, they just discovered it recently. And it does deserve to be shared with the world.

That being said? Elvi Patterson found the magic 9 weeks before they did.

Please come home. Your YouTube skills are too mad.

Why Elvi Patterson is a good tag team partner…

Or was? I dunno. Anyway, I occassionally flip through Attack of the Show. Because it’s occassionally brilliant. Anyway, there was a clip from YouTube that they aired today on their around the net. It was a loop of a rhyme “Interior Crocodile Alligator, I drive a chevorlet movie theater.”

The greatest rhyme ever, am I right? It made #2 on their Around the Net. And clearly, they just discovered it recently. And it does deserve to be shared with the world.

That being said? Elvi Patterson found the magic 9 weeks before they did.

Please come home. Your YouTube skills are too mad.