I’m able to quantify why this tournament isn’t strong. Well, technically it is in terms of paper talent. But my interest is fading away. It’s why I made the crack about hating winning 13 of the 14 games that I could of in my second round.
This is why I am a member of the Hater Nation right now. I brought you reasons to love every team. Now you know what? It’s time to let the hatred flow.
1 Pittsburgh: There’s no reason to think that this isn’t the year for the Panthers, except for the fact their team has underperformed in March since they days and nights of Ralph Willard. They will choke. Fuck them.
4 Xavier: There’s no reason they should get to the Elite 8. But they have a tradition of fucking your shit up in the Sweet 16. If there’s going to be an upset, it will be here.
3 Villanova: They’ve done nothing to arouse hatred out of me. But they’re playing Duke. And until they win? Memories of the childish breacketology remain. Also, Scottie Reynolds slept with your girlfriend.
2 Duke: They’re Duke. Do I need a reason? I do. Okay, because Coach K is an Arch-Conservative Ratboy who bitches about anything who doesn’t go Duke’s way. And I just got a blocking foul for that comment.
1 North Carolina: Sure, they’re not Duke. But rooting for them is like rooting for Crystal Meth.
4 Gonzaga: Outside of their usual underperformance, the simple fact that Jeremy Pargo’s Spur-like pulling down of Patty Mills cost them a chance at the NCAA Tournament.
3 Syracuse: Hey, all you high school prospects who like to hit girls? Jimmy Boeheim provides you sanctuary! Just ask star two guard Eric Devendorf!
2 Oklahoma: In a red state like Oklahoma, the love for a power forward who enjoys the comfort of women’s clothing is only showing the hypocrisy of those who wish to divide us. And that’s bullshit. I WANT SIDES, DAMNIT!
1 Louisville: Considering Louisville’s losses this season? Arizona is the sort of team that’s built to trip them up. I mean it. They play down to their perceived competition. Look back at their schedule. Red Drank broke themselves off a piece.
12 Arizona: You have two lottery picks and you’re a 12 seed? It means you do not want it. You fuck around too damn much. And Chase Budinger looks like a romantic comedy villain! How can you root for that?!?
3 Kansas: They ruined North Dakota State’s dream!
2 Michigan St.: Hey, did you know Tom Izzo was friends with Steve Mariucci? I KNOW I DIDN’T!
1 UConn: Jim Calhoun is like Jerry Tarkanian without any of the cool. He doesn’t even recruit degenerates in a gangsta fashion. ILLEGAL PHONE CALLS! OOOOOOOOH! WHERE’S THE PLAYER YOU PLY TO GO TO STORRS WITH CRACK COCAINE!
5 Purdue: The Duke of the Midwest. If Robbie Hummel played in the ACC? You would be sick to death of his hyperbole.
3 Missouri: Mike Anderson looks like Evander Holyfield in ten years, and that’s awesome. The game the play is awesome. But they cannot beat Memphis. Memphis’ backcourt can handle their swagger. And I dislike Memphis.
2 Memphis: John Calipari is like the dad who hosts all the drinking parties that you’re not invited to. He could ditch Memphis for the Clippers at any moments notice.
Okay, so the hater nation is not dead. But you need to bring RPI back selection comittee. Chalk is boring. And everybody hates good teams.
I know I do.