Do you wish for an ability to drop Draft Knowledge? (Part 1)

We are helpful people at The Grand National Championships. We like you. And when you’re gonna watch the NFL Draft on the last weekend in April? You’re gonna want to know stuff. I will bring you the stuff to know.

Elvi Patterson can hate me now, but I won’t stop now.

Let me tell you all you need to know about the quarterback class.

There are five that should go on Day 1. That you know. But did you know that if you wish to know where the sleeper goes, all you need to do is look inside an [Anchorman Reference]?

(Heh. Heh. Heh.)

The Magnificient Seven (Quarterbacks)

1. Matt Ryan (QB-Boston College)
6′4″ 223 4.95

There are some whom would compare him to Joe Montana. There are some whom would compare him to Tom Brady. Hell, Pro Football Weekly would even throw in Peyton Manning. Wrong. All of you are wrong.

His arm is not laser, and he will let you down going deep. He can manage the game well, but his vertical game blows. Out and out shitty.

Not to say he won’t have real world value in 2009, it’s just that you aught to temper your hopes, guy.

But being Drew Brees means you know how to learn the Carlton Dance!

WHY Matt Ryan is the next Drew Brees? He will struggle mightily for the first few years with a bad offensive line.

2. Brian Brohm (QB-Louisville)
6′4″ 224 4.82

 

Brian Brohm has lived a sheltered life at Louisville. A spread offense guaranteed to put up numbers for any quarterback? Two brothers as coaches? His daddy as a constant presence? Even though he was injury prone, the fix was in for him to succeed.

I know, I’m being mean. He does have a laser arm. He does have on-field football smarts. He’s not fast, but he’s not a statue in the pocket. Leadership is not a strong suit, however.

WHYhe will be the next Brady Quinn? His intangibles are questionable, his arm is not that great, and if the Ravens fall in love with a cornerback? He will lose millions on draft day.

3. Joe Flacco (QB-Delaware)
6′6″ 236 4.85

 

Kerry Collins had a passing camp in South Jersey. It crossed paths with a computer camp. Theirs was a love that could not last. Fortunately, Kerry does not believe in sexual congress with condoms. Nine months later, Ms. Flacco’s baby boy was born.

Don’t believe me? Think this story libelous? Well, how about we explain that Flacco is a statuesque laser, rocket-armed quarterback who is not great under pressure and has a drinking problem*?

He’s only going to be good as his coaching and supporting cast.

WHY he may be the next Matt Schaub? He’s going to be drafted as some teams back-up in the second round, have a good game versus the Patriots, and be rumored to get dealt for two years hence. 

*The Mileage on Joe Flacco’s drinking problem may vary.

4. Chad Henne (QB-Michigan)
6′2″ 230 4.94

Being as my friend Elvi lives in Michigan, he is inundated with hype from Ann Arbor. He is sick of Chad Henne. In that way? He’s like your average Michigan fan.

But like anything that can be much-maligned, the fact of the matter is that Henne brings more to the table than you think. He throws hard, he plays hurt, and he has played well in big games not involving Ohio State. However, he is inaccurate and like the bastard child of Kerry Collins, when the line breaks down Henne cannot stand and deliver. The devil he may take ya.

WHY he may never be a full-time starter? He has a lot of bad habits that would only be correctable by good coaching. And do you know what’s the most translatable skill of a quarterback from college to the pros? Accuracy.

5. Andre’ Woodson (QB-Kentucky)
6′4″ 229 4.88

 

Let it be said that we will make an effort to speak upon him fairly. We love his style and his ability to come up big in the biggest of games. He is poor in throwing technique. He would need to land with a team that has a swanky quarterback coach to polish the rough edges. He was not great in the all-star games.

But that being said, the man is a gunslinger. He brought them back versus three teams in the Top 15 and stood toe to toe with the son of Jor-El. And while some dream of him as a Jason Campbell or a David Garrard, if everything breaks right? (And I do mean every damn thing?)

 

WHY I just might not be crazy? A 2nd round graded quarterback who can move around from a southern school who can bring his marginally talented team back against powerhouses? He’s got the heart and the balls.

These are your day one quarterbacks in terms of value. Sure, an Erik Ainge or John David Booty may sneak in if some team has a grade for them, but they’re backup value at best (Ainge more than Booty). But in Day 2 the only city that bears an interest?

San Diego!

Day 2 Sleepers

A. Josh Johnson  (QB-San Diego)
6′2″ 213 4.55

 

There’s an impetus to find upside in your quarterback. Josh Johnson is the best and brightest. He destroyed competition in the Division 1-AA (FCS, whatever) with a 43-1 TD-INT ratio. And get this? His throwing style isn’t raw either! He may not be used to the speed of the pro game, but he’s not just some spread option sucker.

He played under a pro-style offense in San Diego. Jim Harbaugh was his sensei.

But there is some dark clouds in this ray of sunshine. He’s not one of the 6′5″ 240 sized types of quarterbacks, it means he may get launched. And he may never settle into his happy feet. But the fact of the matter? If Throwing Into Traffic wants to talk about what dreams may come? Talk up Josh Johnson.

WHY he might be drafted on Day 1? You remember Tavaris Jackson? Josh Johnson is the Platinum Edition of Tavaris.

B. Kevin O’Connell (QB-San Diego State)
6′5″ 225 4.64

He may not be the one, but Kevin O’ Connell [a.k.a. Cush] sure is the prototype. Strong arm with good accuracy, good footwork along with timed speed, and he has pretty good accuracy. And his sensei is a strong molder of quarterbacks. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell a prospect. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell blossom in the most heterosexual way possible.

And yet? The man can’t stay healthy. The man could not destroy a mid-major conference even with Chuck Long’s Mr. Miyagi-style.  He can lose the plate every so often and he will not stand tall and true. He is not the gunslinger you are looking for.

WHY won’t he be another Dan McGwire? He’s agile and mobile. That and he doesn’t juice. He is not going to be a bust.

That’s it. About 1200 words in regards to your fine quarterback prospects. Yeah. This was a bit of an effort. Woot and what not.

Now is the winter of our discontent!

OH NO! RUN!

There is a reason why I titled this post with a quote from Shakespeare/The Simpsons.  I’m still coping with the loss of Green Bay’s fortunate son, Brett Farve.  There is a way I’ve come to grips with this staggering loss in the frozen tundra. 

I will put on my hipster English Major hat and compare Farve to Literature’s greatest lines from novels and plays!

Please to note: my elegant English Major hat!  

 

A Farewell To Arms - Ernest Hemingway (shotgun enthusiast )

“But after I had got them out and shut the door and turned off the light it wasn’t any good. It was like saying good-bye to a statue. After awhile I went out and left the hospital and walked back to the hotel in the rain.”

One can make the comparison that Brett Farve is the protagonist Frederic Henry; a hard boozing sort who’s love interest Miss Barkley ( The Packers) dies. Frederic Henry has no choice but to leave them with nothing but his memories and a piece of him, that is gone forever.

Macbeth - Willam Shakespeare 

Is this a dagger which I see before me,

The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee;

I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.

Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible

To feeling as to sight? or art thou but

A dagger of the mind, a false creation,

Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?

I see thee yet, in form as palpable

As this which now I draw.    Macbeth, Act II, scene i

Clearly, Brett Farve is Macbeth.  This dagger that is appearing in front of him in the form of a hallucination, is retirement.  By clutching this imaginary dagger in his meaty palm, Farve is getting ready to stab this retirement into the soft belly of his adoring fans.  The searing pain will only worsen as Farve rips out his fans entrails and insanely feasts on them as his neo-vicodin.

 

The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald (Zelda lover)

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.
“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

Logically, one can deduce that in this passage we see reminiscing Farve.  A Farve who’s clearly learned his lessons and has decided that he may not want to be the one thing that’s always dogged him. Criticism.  More specifically, the media.  He does not to become what he’s always dreaded.   Some pompous ass who could never hack it who’s only able to mock and criticize those who were better.

Case in point:  Skip Bayless

To close, I hope you enjoyed this waltz down literature lane.  I know I’ve enjoyed going back and reviewing the stories and plays I should have read in high school.  If you have any other great works that would work for Brett Farve, please leave them in the comments.

ELVI!

This may be post-Favre grief talking.

But you know who I think would be a good cheap option for your Green Bay Packers as a veteran sort of stopgap?

Byron Leftwich.

More on this and I have an Epic Favre post rolling in my head.

(Unless Favre comes back by the time I have to work on it. I could live with that.)

It begins…

Ted Thompson has always been one who seems to have a master plan. I mean, he’s always been one unafraid to make moves, and today, he was the third NFC General Manager to trade a defensive tackle for a draft choice.

Corey Williams, the best of a transcendentally bad 2004 draft from Mike Sherman, goes to the Browns. The Packers get pick #54 in return.

Now, outside of potentially having to rely on a man as raw as steak tartar to replace him, this leads to one interesting question for Packers fans.

Who’s Coming Back?

After all, the Packers don’t have a lot of needs. They are pretty well set at the skill positions. They are in decent shape pretty much everywhere else. So where are they not deep enough?

Tight End, Guard, Linebacker, and Cornerback.

Sure, I can understand that Ol’ Double T is willing to deviate from needs and draft for the year after. But it is Feburary. I have no sources within the Packers organization. So we go with what we know.

So who’s intriguing? Let’s break it down.

Tight Ends

There is great value in the 2nd-3rd round level of the draft. I would not be disappointed at all if they pick at #54 or #59. There are four players that would be a great fit here. They are more receiver than blocker, but still. The Packers offense was at its best when they have a receiver-type as the #2.

Martin Rucker (Missouri): An athletic passcatcher who knows how to get open.
Dustin Keller (Purdue): A high-motor home run threat.
Martellus Bennett (Texas A&M): The largest boom and bust candidate, I would figure that Ted Thompson is going to pass on him. He could be Antonio Gates, he could be a giant version of Freddie Mitchell.
Jermichael Finley (Texas): If you do expect him to contribute a lot this season? This pick won’t be too shabby. He can get open now, but he has to learn the game.

Guards

It’s less likely that they’ll go here during day one. They are going to have something akin to an open competition, and there are enough bodies to keep things servicable. Also, there’s really only one guard who wouldn’t be a reach. If I had an ear to the personnel people, I’d look for a free agent.

Branden Albert (Virginia): His quickness is something to behold, though his functional strength leaves something to be desired.

Linebackers

This may be an ill-fit in terms of need. Most of the linebacking depth of a late 2nd round value is of the weakside speed linebacker variety. The weak link in the Packers armor is Brady Poppinga (and even then it is still solid), but he is on the strongside. And the backups? Mediocre at best. Sadly, Abdul Hodge looks like a bust, and Desmond Bishop is still an unknown. Who could join them in round 2?

Erin Henderson (Maryland): An instinctive talent, but injury prone and weak at shedding blockers. He is another that could play the Sam, but would be better as a Will type. Also, has a girls name.
Xavier Adibi (Virginia Tech): An undersized sppedster who fits best in the cover-2? Can he be any more of a Derrick Brooks type?
Jerod Mayo (Tennessee): A three position player (Weakside is where he’s strongest), he can play fast and hit hard.
Tavares Gooden (Miami Fla.): Physically gifted, but he could very easily get lost stepping up to the pros.

Cornerbacks

Put it simply, Al Harris and Charles Woodson are on the wrong side of 30. Jarrett Bush, Trammon Williams, and Will Blackmon are not starter material yet. They need an heir apparent. If they don’t go Antione Cason, Aqib Talib, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, or Leodis McKelvin Round 1? They do have options.

Reggie Smith (Oklahoma): May be better suited at Free Safety, but he would have the sort of physicality that would fit in perfectly with what the Packers want to do.
Tracy Porter (Indiana): Came into his own as a senior. Shows a good cover game, even if he may not be the most physical of players. Also, has a girls name.
Charles Godfrey (Iowa): He is more athlete than football player, but his athleticism is awesome. Get a good Defensive Backs coach and you may have a bargain even at the end of Round 2.
Patrick Lee (Auburn): A one-year starter who may be exactly what the packers are looking for. He knows how to press, he can be effectively stashed on special teams, and he is not afraid to stick his head in and hit.

The 14th Name?

Josh Johnson (QB-San Diego): A gritty, mobile (4.45 40 at the combine!) quarterback who crushed his lower level of competiton for three seasons (43 to 1 TD/INT Ratio, Johnson may not grade as a late second round pick now, but as Chad Henne and Andre Woodson (sadly) fall, Josh Johnson may find himself in the Joe Flacco second-tier.

There. 820+ words on the Green Bay Packers second round. Am I a sucker for doing this? Probably. But now you know.

And if your team gets Jerod Mayo, consider yourself lucky.

Jesus is not clutch. Fuck Jesus.

One of my two posts that I liked on Epic Carnival dealt mostly with how the religiosity of the Colorado Rockies and how that intermeshed with my general dislike of Boston dudes who like sports. I was not happy when there was no strike to cancel the World Series. But the Rockies did not get the duke. It happens.

But then some of you might remember how Jon Kitna, one of the most pious men in all of professional football, predicted a 10 win season and a playoff berth. And it all started off all sweetness and light. The Lions were 6-1. They could bat .350 the rest of the way and still reach the promised land. Jon Kitna was proving himself a prophet.

But then the Lions could only manage one win the rest of the way. A city in desperate need of hope in the midst of a near crippling depression needed some love from its football team. It was dashed on the concrete like such ripe fruit. The team, to rebuild for the googoplex of umpteenth times.

And then, there’s this story, that I (a week late) just found. It seems as if the Packers Defensive Lineman Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila went to the OTA’s and distributed 300 DVD’s to everybody for a little indie movie written by two pastor brothers in Georgia. The title? Facing the Giants.

It’s about a perenially losing high-school football team that overcomes the odds through faith and in the end (spoiler alert!) beats the local powerhouse. Now in the NFL, perenial means two consecutive seasons at .500 or below, so KGB felt this message would resonate. But now he came around before the Giants game and said “God, I feel like, in a crazy way is vindicating me. I’m kind of excited.”

KGB believed that God would take the Packers to the Super Bowl. KGB believed the miracle would not end before the most hyped super bowl of all time. KGB saw Lawrence Tynes miss two field goals. KGB saw the Packers win the toss.

KGB saw Brett throw a bad interception.  KGB saw Lawrence Tynes finally, finally sink a field goal to get the Giants to the Super Bowl. But you know what? All these failures weren’t the faults of the athletes.

PURPLE OR ANY OTHER COLOR, THEY CANNOT PLAY LATE SEASON!

Jesus can only get you so far. Jesus is a miracle worker. But you want to know about the point of fact? The point of fact is that the ride does not matter if it stops short.

Jesus comes up short when the game is on the line. Jesus will not drain the three with 0.3 seconds on the clock. Jesus will strike out with runners on base.

All in all, David Berkowitz is right. Jesus is a dog.

YEAH! TAKE THAT LaDAINIAN JESUS!

I think I figured out why Yesterdays loss hurt so much.

The Packers got outplayed. Plain and simple. The Giants just shut them down in the second half. It took a big return and a very fluky play for them to keep pace. 

And they still could have won the game. That’s what gets me most of all.

The Giants gave them every opportunity to steal the win they thought they could just show up and get, and they couldn’t take it. Now comes Hick Hamlet Act VII. Now comes the fact that Aaron Rodgers showed he could play and we will have a 39 year old under center for the Packers. Sure, Brett Favre is what gives Wisconsin its identity. (our second biggest active celebrity? Tony Shaloub. Monk. Think about that.)

But what happens if the Packers are 1-5 and Favre has a ratio of 6 td’s to 9 interceptions? He’ll be 39. It can all disappear when you’re that age. No amount of Bowflex training can hold back the sands of time forever.

This is a very tenuous situation. The Packers could very well recoil into mediocrity like your New Orelans Saints. This could be the start of a several year window. It all depends on Favre and his ability (and his seeming inablity to go out gracefully.)

And it’s not to say that I don’t want Favre coming back next year, it’s just to say that the list of 39 year-old quarterbacks who can make plays is very limited.

(And even General Managers who consider themselves the smartest guys in the room won’t be able to find a graceful situation for an exit.)

Anyway, I’m teaching today. Back this afternoon with a postulate involving the NFL draft.

What? I already admitted my draft nerd status. And I promise this will be the last you hear about the NFL for a good spell.

We have more important things to worry about.

I was going to write a defense of Packer Mania

It was going to be reasoned. It was going to be well thought out. It was going to be one of my greatest posticles ever.

I scrapped it. 567 words of truth and beauty. Why? Because this was today’s top story in the local news.

• A Pardeeville man was arrested on Monday on suspicion of restraining his 7-year-old son with tape after the boy refused to wear a Green Bay Packers jersey this weekend.

This is your Pardeeville Man. His name? Matthew Kowald. He looks like a fat rednecked J.D. Ryznar.

I am a winner!

Yes. Matthew Kowald was so into Packer mania (and Mad Dog 20/20), that he decided to make his son wear a Packers jersey. And when he refused, he bound his seven year old son with tape, the Packers jersey on his body.

Of course, he called in to a local TV station saying that it was all just a game and he was playing with his kids. I mean, every dad in the world knows that all kids love to be bound with tape, right? We are the state that gave rise to Houdini after all.

So yeah. We have our bad apple. We have our indefensible act. This is what it sounds like when Homers are embarrassed.

(Still, go to the Super Bowl please? K THX BYE!) 

Well, if I couldn’t get to sleep until 12:45 pm?

I’d be a freaking idiot for missing these playoff games.

The Chargers B-Team went to Indianapolis and took down the Colts. Billy Volek is officially back from the dead. (Or at least from playing so badly last preseason that he went from starter to persona non grata in Tennessee.)

Also, Antonio Cromartie is the One. He has moves the likes of which you have never seen. And yeah, who the hell let Phil “The Chronicles of Awful Officiating” Luckett in here?

But will they beat the Patriots? Likely no. Though a good running game and a great performance from the back seven is entirely possible. Just saying.

But the Giants are an interesting team. 9-1 on the road. An emerging Thunder and Lightning combo in Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. A good, solid defense. And look who’s managing playoff games?

[pretend I put a photo of Drunken Eli Manning here.]

Now the Packers have the NFC Championship at home. They are 8-1 at home, have a running back who went for 201 and 3 scores on the #5 run defense, a good solid defense, and the single greatest football player of all time when he’s just having fun out there and doing his thing.

So, with the Packers and the Giants, you know where my heart lies. But will my head agree? All I’m going to say is, the low is going to be 8 degrees next Sunday Night. It benefits the Packers.

(Trust me, I speak from experience. Seriously.)

The Second Half!

• Brandon Jackson (Brandon Jackson?) makes it comfortable right quick. 35-17.
• The battery powered pants of Josh Brown make it 35-20. SNOW! YAAAAY!
• The Ryan Grant redemption is complete! 42-20.

I know everybody’s going to be talking about how Brett Favre made this game with his little 6-yard rumbling out underhander to Donald Lee. But this isn’t his day. This is Ryan Grant’s. He starts off super slow, and after two fumbles in the first five minutes, he goes for 201 and 3 scores.

Next week? The winner of Giants/Cowboys. I don’t care. Both teams have plusses and minuses. Whoever wins? It’s going to have the potential for classicisity.

An open letter to those who are hating on Seahawks kicker Josh Brown.

Stop hating.

You’re being a hypocrite. You would wear battery powered pants if you had to stand outside for three hours in 30 degree weather. Admit your lack of toughness and move on to a different subject.

It’s not as if Josh Brown could do anything else to keep his legs warm. I mean, is there excerise equipment on the sideline? Or activities to keep your legs limber? Or what?

Josh Brown is a man! He is a kicker man! He kicks that ball and he prays it goes straight.

Leave him alone!
———————

Yes. I stop all my posts when I get too much Chris Crocker