We like Sports. (NL Central Preview)

This is of course a given. But there are other things that we find awesome. For example, the only watchable show on E!, The Soup, rocks socks and rules schools.

How does The Soup relate to sports? Easy. Joel McHale. Ask him about his Rose Bowl Ring.

So we’ve decided to show the fools who don’t watch The Soup and would rather watch the CHUD baby sister clip show “Best Week Ever” what they’re missing and who’s the best in the NL Central. Because we care. We care a lot.

6) The Pittsburgh Pirates are Let’s Take Some E!

Like the more entertaining shows on a network, the NL Central must carry it’s lesser lights. Enter the Pittsburgh Pirates. The E! Channel makes it’s bones on random attractive yet untalented skanks like the Pirates collect random non-roster invitees*. Expect this team to win less than 70 games and have one of the Olly Girls throw out the first ball.

*In this analogy, Ian Snell is Snoop Dogg and Doug Mientkiewicz is Kim Kardashian.

And now, a random E! Skank!

5) The Houston Astros are the Mail Nurse

The stank of steroids and HGH is ripe for this once proud organization. There is estrogen deposits within the man boobs of the great acquisition to lead the team into the next decade. Miguel Tejada is just one step away from becoming a full pre-op tranny. All in all, the Astros are a creepy scene. A really creepy scene. 

Miguel Tejada is creepier than Putting the Lotion in the Basket!

4) The Cincinnati Reds are THE BIG TIME CELBRITY GUEST!

Every year, the Reds try to get you hyped in regards to the magic of their big Free Agent acquisition or their big rookie. Sometimes it’s impressive, if ultimately disappointing. (Ken Griffey Jr. is roughly equivalent to Joss Stone). Sometimes they come out of nowhere to be awesome (as Ron Gant goes, so goes Wolf from American Gladiators) Sometimes it’s an amusing, if merely temporary diversion (If Fransisco Cordero is Constantin Maroulis, then Eric Milton is the Pop Off Lady from Bad Girls Club). Sure, you have to believe the magic on occasion, but it is never your division championship clip of the week.

Why? Because no matter how many big time celebrities the Reds have? Having the baseball equivalent of an adult Danny Bonaduce running the show means your dreams will be destroyed. 

3) The Saint Louis Cardinals ARE Chat Stew

The adventures of the Cardinals are SOOOOO MEATY. You have Albert Pujols as dominant as Oprah. You have Tony LaRussa as the annoying egotistical diva Tyra Banks. You have the daytime drama of the steroid using family of Rick Ankiel, Juan Gonzalez, and the dead and dying Cardinals named Darryl Kile and Josh Hancock. They are mediocre, but they shall return.

2) The Milwaukee Brewers are REALITY SHOW CLIP TIME!

While having two players owning the nickname of the Hebrew Hammer might qualify the Brewers as Jewbacca, they have collected themselves spare parts like America has collected Reality Shows. Mike Cameron is your Survivor. Guillermo Mota is your Married By America. Eric Gagne is your Flavor Flav based Reality Program. They will have a whole load of mediocre at the ready if the stars of The Brewers network are unable to perform.

1) The Chicago Cubs are Oprah’s Va Jay Jay

Every year they are expected to be the among the most dominant forces in NL Central entertainment. This year, with the Japanese Bob Abreu in Kosuke Fukudome, is no different. The Va Jay Jay will be in a hotly contested battle with Reality Show Clip Time for the NL Central crown. But even if the Cubs win the NL Central, we all know what’s going to happen.

My Va-Jay-Jay is Painin’!

More of these posts will come. This is how we will make our baseball previews shine.

YAY! Comparing things to things!

The Guy Who Pitches The 9th With A Lead…

Is the most overrated player in baseball. Flat out. 

Sure, there are pitchers that are rather talented who play the role of closer, and they do deserve notice in the Hall of Fame when they’re great forever. (Yes, I am talking about you Lee Smith.)  But come on.

They’re the MLB equivalent of a good kicker. There’s about three or four great ones. An unrecognizable mass of power appendage from 5-25. And about seven guys who are a blown save or a sensational prospect away from getting shitcanned.

And yet? They are making gobs and scads of money. They control roughly five percent of the outs in a season, and they’re starting to make eight figures to do it.

Sure, occasionally it’s a runners on second and third with one out and you have to nurse a one run lead sort of a sticky wicket. The pressure situation where only your Joe Nathans or your Papelbons can save you. But more often than that it’s 5-2 and you’re coming in to face three batters. And quite frankly? Randy Choate can handle that.

Who’s Randy Choate? My point exactly.

Perhaps I’m just angry for having to suffer through the slings and arrows of repeat engagements from your Chad Fox’s and Dan Kolb’s. Perhaps I’m just steeling myself for the disappointment that will come if the Brewers re-up with Cordero at 4/44. Perhaps I just want to smack Mariano Rivera upside the head for rejecting “phat loot” for the end of his career.

But the fact of the matter is I am right. Deep in your heart, you know I’m right. 

Closers are the trojan virus that will destroy baseball in the small markets. 

Some of you may not know this…

But David Weathers has been a thorn in my side for the better part of the last ten years. Seriously. I’m glad he’s had a career. But he and I are just not good.

And now, the Reds have an opportunity to be all spoiler for the Cubs, so long as the Brewers hold serve. Yovani Gallardo held serve.  And the Reds, for their part, did get to the 9th with a 6-4 lead.

But when you have David Weathers as your closer? You have David Weathers as your closer. The Cubs get to keep the game lead that they do not deserve. Ron Santo’s joy makes me angry.

I need to find equilibrium.

YAY!!! BABY PANDA!!!

Wait…

AWWW COME ON!

You Will Never Find Someone More Excited To Pick Up Ryan Dempster.

(or: I Was a Teenage Dan Wheeler Owner!)

As you all know, I have made mention of being a Fantasy Sports Player on serveal occasions. And one of my strategies is never to draft a closer too early. I like the Al Reyes of the world. They allow me to draft an Alexis Rios instead of an oh lets say…Brad Lidge.

And as such, my strategy brought me into the Dan Wheeler ownership. And in one of my leagues, owning Salomon Torres led to drinking up the Brad Hennessey that was on the waiver wire shelf. That got ugly.

And with a recent injury, there was a roster spot open. Dan Wheeler soon became available. I picked him up. Desperate yes, but when you’re dropping “empty?” It was a valid spec play.

But he didn’t pull out of his tailspin. He lost his closing job on Sunday. But I didn’t drop him. Who was I going to pick up? Alfonseca?

Then, like manna from heaven. Ryan Dempster. Yes, Ryan Dempster, became available. And being has he was so wholeheartedly badmouthed, he fell to me in the 11th waiver wire slot. 

But it may have been a day too late. Dempster came on the roster today. Yesterday’s line for wheeler? 2/3rds of an inning, 4 earned runs, and shoving the guy he stole a win from down.

Yeah, I understand frustration. I am a tempermental guy myself. But you don’t shove the starting pitcher you screwed over. That’s not cool, man. Not cool at all.

Ryan Dempster will ninja-chop you for that one, Wheeler.

Easy peasy Japanesy Blog Gimmick Posts: Top 5 Baseball Players whom deserve a good punch in the face.

If I was Michael Barrett, I would be doing some soul searching right about now. For the second straight season, as spring turned into summer, Barrett gets punched in the face after being involved in an altercation. And as they say, once is an accident, twice is a pattern. Michael Barrett must be an asshole.

And thus comes into my sexy-smooth segue of Today’s Top 5, the Andrew Edition…

With Two Rules

1. Any Era Post 1981.

2. No Go-To Douchebaggers.

With that out of the way, we start our journey with…

1) David Weathers

Why? He knows why!

2) Chuck Carr

Why? ‘That ain’t Chuckie’s game. Chuckie hacks on 2-0.’ Poor man’s Alex Cole. And that’s being rude to Alex Cole.

3) Juan Marichal

Why? Yes, I’m breaking my own rule. But the dude attacked a guy with a bat! In this day and age, heavens to murgatroid, imagine the sort of hullaballo this would cause? Why, the outrage alone could power a small African Nation. In fact, Chad is praying for Roger Clemens to snap.

4) Your Tampa Bay Devil Rays Outfield

Delmon Young? Yes, he does deserve a pop in the face, but I am sympathetic. He has been dealt bad by nature, as well as nurture.

 

And Speaking of Elijah Dukes, now, a dramatic cutting and pasting.

“Hey, dawg. It’s on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain’t even bulls——-. Your kids too, dawg. It don’t even matter to me who is in the car with you. N—–, all I know is, n—–, when I see your m—–f——- a– riding, dawg, it’s on. As a matter of fact, I’m coming to your m—–f—— house.”

And as an encore, my impression of Elijah Dukes’ texting…

Thank you. I shall be here all week.

Rocco Baldelli? Why? Because Carl Crawford’s awesome. That’s why. Durr.

5) Jeff Juden

Why? Because if somebody could pitch, maybe David Weathers wouldn’t be #1 in my power rankings. Also, he was kind of a dick.

Yes, My Top 5 is seven deep. I am still getting used to being a read blogger.  It is odd to me. You know what else is also odd?

I thought Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows we’re special.

Awkward…

I wish David Weathers was as Awesome to Hecklers…

So, Vernon Wells got back at some hecklers with style and aplomb, right?

But whenever I see a good heckling atory in the news, I think to myself, how is David Weathers doing right now?

Why am I wondering about above-average Middle Relievers when the heckling stories come? The pure simple joy of an early 2-0 lead and the bagging on a struggling starter.

The Date? May 2, 1998. The site? Old County Stadium. 8th row, behind home plate. The match-up? Juden! Weathers! It’s the Brewers vs. the Reds!

And David Weathers got rocked in the first inning. And he got out of a jam in the second. So, you’ve got me, Adam, Art, and Clint, seranading him with chants of Triple-A, Triple-A as he walks to the dugout. (Style Points!)

But Jeff Juden was also shaky. And Jeff Juden tied the game with his mad skills, but one David Weathers stepping up to the plate. And he’s a pitcher, and pitchers can’t hit, right? 

“Triple-A! Triple-A!” Said Us.

“89-MPH Fastball.” Said Jeff Juden.

“Boom Bitch!” Said David Weathers.

“Oh shit! It’s a dinger!” Said us.

And as David Weathers crossed home plate, his look, however blurry, said it all. He sure showed us. Even as we trend to nearly a decade later, we still whisper about it in hushed tones.  Crazy Dave Weathers’ll show us up again.

But I am using this, and my post JSOnline bounce, to say, I’m glad you found your niche Dave Weathers and I’m sorry I angered you into dingering.

*Postcript #1: Dave Weathers, not more than two months later, was waived and claimed by my Milwaukee Brewers.

**Postscript #2: During the internet poker boom, I found myself at an online table with a guy who said he worked for Baseball Prospectus. He had to go and say John David Weathers was one of the genuine nice guys in the game. I had to go and feel like a bigger ass.