We have your offensive starting line-up for this year’s PUPPY BOWL!

Big, big props to Animal Planet! They’re the saviours of awesome! These brillant folks started this amazing new event that in 30 years will be bigger than the NFL’s Super Bowl.  The Puppy Bowl is comprised of this nation’s greatest four legged all-stars.  These combatants of the squeaky toy, these tyrants of the water dish, will prove to all Americans (especially single women over 35, and effeminate heterosexual men) That,”Puppy Power” isn’t just some horrible catchphrase coined by an awful gimmick.

Scrappy Doo:  The worst gimmick of a horrible show!

We’re not here to discuss bad gimmicks; nay, we’re here to give the people what they want.  More cute puppies doing stuff!

2008′s PUPPY BOWL OFFENSIVE LINE-UP!

Abigail  (Wide-Receiver)
Breed: Parson Russell Terrier (aka Jack Russell Terrier)

The front runner for the MVP! (Most Valuable Puppy!)  Speculations run wild about how Abigail came into our world.  Some say that Abigail is a direct descendent of Jack Londons’ fictional heros’ White Fang and Buck (Call Of The Wild)  Others say that Abigail simply IS and always has been.  There is no doubt, however, that if you have Abigail run the slant, touch-downs will rain like chocolate! (OH NOS! DOGS CAN’T EAT CHOCOLATE!)

Attucker   (Running Back)
Breed: Beagle

The Brave Little Toaster of running backs.  Attucker adhers to the golden rule,’NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!’  Those in the know treat Attucker as a conundrum, wrapped in an engima, dropped into a martini. 

Bingo  (Quarterback)
Breed: American Staffordshire Terrier/ American Pit Bull Mix

I really, really want to like Bingo.  He’s got a tough background and he’s played in the big games.  But, all this talk of Bingo being the,”Golden Boy”, and noone has forgotten the whole squirrel/pigeon fighting ring in his doghouse (hint: Pigeons fight dirty!). Leads me to branding Bingo,”The Parker Lewis Can’t Lose!” of the puppy bowl.  You may be awesome, but all I really remember about you is THE KUBE!

Bruin (Lineman)
Breed: Alaskan Malamute

All you need to know about Bruin is this,‘DUDE, LIKES TO PARTY!”

Cali  (Lineman)
Breed: Shih Thu

This is the Gary Busey of Linemen.  If you knock on Cali, there will an apocalyptic firestorm that you will never recover from.   Seriously, DO NOT F**K WITH CALI! I’m only saying this because the last time Cali got messed with; the consequences involved vice grips and Grecco-Roman Oil Wrestling.

Cody  (Tight-End)
Breed: American Cocker Spaniel/Poodle Mix (AKA cockapoo)

Cody is better than Jeremy Shockey.  Seriously.  Ask Eli.

P.S.

Eli wants you to know that Cockapoo is his favorite name ever!  GET IT!?

Colt  (Lineman)
Breed:  Bernese Mountain Dog

Colt is the cutest player on the gridiron.  Don’t be fooled by his charm though.  Colt’s mother is better known as,”Air Bud”.  This only means one thing, if there is a slam-dunk contest during this puppy bowl.  Put your money on Colt!

Deliah (Lineman)
Breed: Shepard Mix

Deliah is tougher than Mr. T in Rocky III.  Why?  Simple, after that pussified love song by Plain White T’s came out.  Everyone in the locker room started calling Deliah and asking him what it’s like in New York City.  Suffice to say, being mocked makes Deliah mad! GRRRRR!

Dixie  (Wide-Receiver)
Breed:  Golden Retriever

This is not your Randy Moss type Receiver.  Nay, this is your Jerry Rice type Receiver!  You can count on Dixie in the clutch.  The fans know him simply as ,”Golden Jesus”.  Also, Dixie’s Samba is sheer magic and his Rumba leaves all aghast and wanting more.

Elle  (Full Back)
Breed:  Havanse

Elle makes Mike Tyson scared like a little white bitch.  Want more proof of her ferocity?  Her owner is Bea Arthur.

Ellie-Mae (Center)
Breed:  Saint Bernard/Shepard Mix

It’s been rumoured that Ellie-Mae has a drinking problem.  That’s just because she’s half Saint Bernard.  What is true is that she is prone to making Charles Grodin crazy and she’s dating another Saint Bernard named Mozart.

Emma  (Running Back)

Breed:  Parson Russel Terrier

Emma is fast.  Like, Telegram fast!  Also, you can count on Emma to watch,”Monk” with your parents while you slip out to a bar. 

The Puppy Bowl will be more entertaining than the Super Bowl.  Seriously. The Half-Time show alone is worth watching!

ELVI!

WE HAVE BREAKING PUPPY BOWL 4 NEWS!!!!!!

As many are aware.  Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl is the can’t miss event of the year! 
We at The Grand National Championships have gotten word of probably the greatest halftime show that mankind will ever witness!

THE REUNION OF PAULA ABDUL WITH M.C. SKAT CAT!

According to our sources, who we bribed with squeaky toys and catnip;”Paula Abdul has agreed in principal to reunite with animated rapper M.C. Skat Cat during the Kitty Halftime Show of this year’s Puppy Bowl!”

M.C. Skat Cat could not be reached for comment but he did release a press release that states,”She dont’ like cigarettes.  I LIKE TO SMOOOOKEE!”

When questioned about her preformance in the upcoming Kitty Half-time Show Paula Abdul said,”I like clouds that sparkle!  Sometimes, I wear this to make it safe!  Bratz movie!   we all fly away just to escape the hounding of  all.”

If you were curious…Yes, Paula will also be wearing a special costume.

This half-time show is gonna be so awesome it’s like my birthday and flag day rolled into one supreme burrito of greatness!

ELVI!

The Duality of man is always perplexing. So let’s watch movies instead!

This is really quite simple.  I am going to review a few of Hollywood’s greatest movies.  Why? because I believe that besides

 Gene Shalit, today’s movie critics are sell-outs.

 

In The Army Now

What happens when a slacker joins a group that must travel world-wide.  Pauly Shore gives an oscar worthy portrayal of a slacker in,”In The Army Now!”  Viewing this movie will leave one in a metaphysical crisis.   The viewer will no longer know what smell a strawberry is or if walking will lead them to funions and a slurpee.  This life-altering picture will shape a generation to come.

 

Ladybugs 

With so many causes how does one support only one?  This is the paradox a young Jonathan Brandis faces in “Ladybugs”  Being a male soccer phenom is spectactular.  However, when your drunk father has to coach a female soccer team that is in last place, there is only one option.  The genderbending Brandis becomes an exceptional female soccer player named “Martha”.  This raises numerous gender defining and transgender questions.  Can a man really be better than a woman if said male is tucking in his junk?  All these questions and more are answered in Rodney Dangerfields uplifting story.

 

Blank Check 

One must gamble when they stumble upon a blank check.  This is the crux of the epic Disney movie,”Blank Check”  When that gamble pays off there is only one clear option for a preteen to do.  The addition of a waterslide to the third story of the house is a metaphor that stands true to this day.  We all fall fast and wet.

 

Heavyweights

Upon closer examination of the cinematic masterpiece,”Heavyweights”, one can deduce that a class struggle is ongoing.  The eternal struggle of the proletariat (The Fat Kid Camp) and their enemies across the lake the bourgeouise ( The Rich Kids)  is endless.  Thankfully with the intervention of a dirtbike and various traps do the proletariat triumph.  Karl Marx would be proud.

 

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey

Even though there are Orwellian elements in “Homeward Bound: An Incredible Journey”,  the fact that both dogs and the cat easily forgive their human overlords for leaving them stranded 1000 miles away, is proof positive that you never slander the hand that feeds.

I will be taking requests from readers on what movies to review next time.

ELVI!

Finally, something good has come out of the BCS National Championship!

Courtesy of AWFUL ANNOUNCING!

JaMarcus Russell and His Amazing Technicolor COSBY PONCHO!

This is just another sign that the late 80′s- early 90′s are officially BACK!!!

The first sign was the reemergence of American Gladiators!  (With 100% more gay porn stars!)

NITRO:  We used to be really cool…I swear!

Now with the reappearance of the cosby sweater.  It will only be a few more months before we see new episodes of: 

ALF!

Small Wonder

Mr. Belvedere

and of course, PERFECT STRANGERS!

Life is about to be getting good!

ELVI!

P.S.

Photo courtesy of:  Lucky threadz! Go buy there shirts!

LET DUNSTON CHECK IN!

For those not in the know, Shawon Dunston is eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame this year.  Simply put, Dunston must check into the Hall of Fame because he oozes sheer awesome and had great gimmicks.

Dunston:  It is customary in our culture that bear cubs must teabag cardinals.

Shawon Dunston played 17 seasons for 6 teams (  Cubs, Giants, Pirates, Mets, Cardinals, and Indians).  It was with those lovable losers, the Chicago Cubs that Shawon Dunston became so cool he wore his sunglasses at night.

We all know that Shawon Dunston had the nickname Rifleman because he could throw 98 M.P.H from his shortstop position.  That’s just one reason why fans loved Dunston.  Behold!  The Shawon-O-Meter!!!

The Majestic Shawon-O-Meter is as legendary in Wrigley Field as the bleacher bums and the ivy.  The meter helped Shawon keep track of his batting average and awesomness.  Simply put, no meter-no peace.

Shawon Dunston: Awesome comes in slurpee form!

That’s not all.  For you see, Mr. Dunston liked to have nice stats in other ways as well.  For example, Shawon Dunston liked to steal bases.  Granted, he was no Ricky Henderson, but the Hamburglar of the Diamond stole 30 bases in a season TWICE!  When Shawon was told of this great accomplishment he was prone to grimacing and yelling Rubble Rubble!

These facts are self-evident and true.  Shawon Dunston must be checked into the Hall of Fame POST HASTE!  We all know that the sportswriters who didn’t vote for Shawon are just jealous of his ability to be a slurpee coin.

ELVI!

I like strippers when they don’t objective themselves in public.

Happy 2008 everyone!

I know I’ve been acting like your deadbeat dad on a bender after getting the pink slip, but damnit! I’ve changed!  I have learned new things that will be glorious in the upcoming year.  Today, I would love to share one of them with you!

Elvi Patterson’s 2008 highlights! 

March 2008

 

Congressman Barney Frank will release a new report for the American public.  “A Frank Chat” will expose a topic that has been swept under the rug for years:  The use of performance enhancing items and drugs in the world of Late Night Talk Show Hosts.  A Frank Chat  will shock and awe the American public with it’s graphic and detailed accounts of prior misdeeds. 

Stephen Colbert will resign in shame after it is shown that his “Brass Balls” are nothing more than saline injections done by Jose Cancesco in the Port Authority Men’s Room.

Colbert:  OH NOS!  I THOUGHT A BEAR WOULD BE THE END OF ME!! 

It will be shown that Jimmy Kimmel is really:   AIDS in a box! 

And the most disturbing part is that Conan O’ Brien is really a midget on stilts!

 

+

  

=

!!!!!

Tune in next time when I reveal what will happen in April of 2008!

 ELVI!

There’s a thin line between trashy and awesome.

There really is.  Basically it all boils down to why I didn’t like sports for years as a kid and teenager. 

BEAR WITNESS TO TRASHY!

COED NAKED T-SHIRTS!

Every freakin year when my family and I would go on our vacation and every destination we arrived at had some idiot or white trash sporting one of these horrible shirts.  Cause you know, nothing says,”I know what women want” like having a shirt that proclaims your virality in a semi-humorous format.  It never mattered where we were either; 

Branson, Missouri

White House Tour:

And of course…SESAME PLACE!!

Gah…the memories are coming back to haunt me.

Next time I rehash my past, I’ll talk about NO FEAR!, BIG DOGS, AND OF COURSE…

BIG JOHNSON’S!

HAPPY X-MAS!

ELVI!

B-C-S CONCLAVE (COME OUT TO PLA-AY!!!)

Not to sound egotistical, but we do have a certain ability to compare things to other things. I mean, Tim Tebow truly is Jules Winfield, right? And Iowa State is also indeed Glass Joe. Well, it’s been a while. We need to make one more comparison.

One for the road. (Now with fewer weirdo raper guys) CAN…YOU…DIG…IT?!?

 

Hawaii are the Warriors
Everyone wrote them off. Nobody thought they would find their way. Everybody blames them for the assasination of the BCS. But do not sleep on a scrappy team with a month to prepare and nothing to lose. They just might win the gunfight on Coney Island. Featuring Colt Brennan as Ajax.

(NOW WITH LESS RAPE CHARGES.)

LSU are the Grammercy Riffs
The Riffs are the most mighty gang in New York. They oozed a cool charisma. Then Cyrus (Glenn Dorsey) got shot and while Masai stepped up admirably, it just was not the same. They are still the biggest threat in BCS City, but they are a lot more mortal than they were at the start of the year.

Georgia are the Turnbull A.C.’s

Word on the street was that the riffs out and out feared the Turnbull A.C.’s. The A.C.’s were big, mean, and physical. They took to the ground to make their presence felt.  LSU escaped having to face Georgia’s big uglies riding Knoshon Moreno to the promised land. They’re out for blood and the have the Warriors in their sights. 

Illinois are the Orphans

In a world where one of these things is not like the other, the Orphans have been left behind in the big Gang Conclave of The Warriors. So too then, did the Fighting Illini get left out of any level of national title discusssion. It’s not to say that the Illini are as meek as The Orphans. It’s just that in a world filled with “beautiful” people like the BCS, Juice Williams is as mediocre as Mr. Lazy Eye. 
 

Ohio State are the Lizzies

The Lizzies used their power of having breasts to trap the Warriors in their net. The Buckeyes used their cheap non-conference schedule and early season finish to ensnare an entry into the National Championship game. If you think about it, it boils down to both using cheap tricks to get what they want.
 

 

Oklahoma are the Baseball Furies
Put it simply, they look bad ass. They have their faces painted, they rock and roll all night, and party every day. They are well respected, and they deserve it. But when a scrappy team like the Warriors or Texas Tech or a Boise State rolls up on them and punches them in the mouth, they get beat.

Still, they were the last team to beat a #1 team, and the Gramercy Riff’s losses were just as bad. All in all, Oklahoma has demons that they are out to punish, and some young punks are about to get owned. 

USC are the Rogues

I could be dumb and be all durr-hurr-hur, USC is the root of all evil, but I won’t. All I’m going to say is that like Luther, Ol’ SC was prepared to take the lead by making big bold moves. Now? They end up punked out by a knife in a gunfight. Quite frankly, Ol ‘SC are a bunch of suckas.

West Virginia are the Punks

Frankly, they are one of the most entertaining gangs in the BCS culture. But like the Punks in the washroom, the Mountaineers flame out spectacularly whenever someone punches them in the mouth. They cannot handle playing for #1, so a less powerful gang ends up taking them out.

Kansas are the High Hats

It makes sense if you think about it. The High Hats were the Hep Cats in the World of teh Warriors. And while Kansas had their run for the Big 12 North, they were everybody’s him choice for Cinderella story. And like the High Hats, the Jayhawks found themselves folding under the pressure.

But they rocked it when they were on top. Damn right they did.

Virginia Tech are the Jones Street Boys

Not the most well known of gangs. In fact, they’re a cocky bunch of trust fund kids. But they’re not disrespected. (Virginia Tech is beloved by the calculons of the world.) You won’t hear about them this January, but they will bop the Jayhawks like the JSB rock the Saracens.

(Probably).

There you go. We compared things! Yay!

The BCS, as brutal as ever, and with a Walter Hill touch?

Maybe we won’t have a complete disaster?

Naaaaahhh…

[The Warriors Movie Site is gold leaf.]

The ghost of Lloyd Carr continues to haunt Michigan.

All the mainstream media outlets are thinking that Les Miles will leave LSU and go for the head coaching job at Michigan.  On the surface this seems very logical.  Miles is a Michigan man who’s stated that he would love to coach Michigan.  Miles played for Michigan and met his wife there.  On the outside it seemed like Les Miles would jump at the chance to coach at Mehigan.

But there are other factors into the Mehigan coaching job. 

“My timing is based on one thing – what’s best for Michigan and what’s best for Michigan football,” said Carr, who will stay on as an associate athletic director for Michigan. “There are no other motives.”

Lloyd Carr is going to stay on as an associate athletic director for Michigan.  This is probably a HUGE reason why Les Miles wouldn’t take the Michigan Head Coaching job.

Les Miles and Lloyd Carr hate each other.  Carr and Miles come from two differnt schools of coaching.  Do you really think that Les Miles would want to have a guy who hates him as a boss?  Especially, if right now you’re coaching one of the best teams in the country. 

The fact of the matter is, until Lloyd Carr decides to finally drag his corpse out of Michigan.  Les Miles WILL NEVER COACH MEHIGAN!  Also, Herbstrait will continue to be wrong until Lloyd Carr is gone.

You know who should be coaching Michigan next year?!

STEVE BRULE!

LAST RESORT FIGHTING! 

ELVI!

Guess who’s a big bowl of drunk?

Tony LaRussa enjoys TEH WINE!

 

You know who else enjoys TEH WINE?

WINOBOT!

Enjoy sloppy drunks!

ELVI!

Just for viewing this you get…

ALEX TREBEK SWEARING WITH A PORNSTACHE!