In the land of the shaven, the bearded man is king!

Ever since I have grown a beard that is the envy of every 8th grade boy, my sixth sense or as I call it,”The Grizzly Adams Connection” has become heightened.  This has really helped me scour the sports world for the greatest beards in the land.  After looking for the best bearded sports stars I have come up with a top 3.

Elvi Patterson’s Bearded Brothers!

Ozzie Smith!

If you don’t like Ozzie Smith then there is something seriously wrong with you.  Besides the back flips and being the typical american tourist; Ozzie is what made baseball legendary in the 1980′s and early 90′s.  Even for a non cardials fan like myself, Ozzie Smith was the only reason to go to Bush Stadium (besides the fact that you just toured the St. Louis Arch and found their elevators too eeriely like toilet seats.) 

Few people know this but Ozzie Smith was fueled not by ampethamine’s or steroids.  Nay, The Wizard Of Oz was fueled by Beard Power.  The coarse facial hair that lived on the face of Ozzie Smith gave him the ability to do backflips and become animated on cue.  Also, the beard was manly, yet handsome.  It was so handsome that even now Walt “Clyde” Frasier would never say to Ozzie,”NO PLAY FOR MR. GRAY!”

Sadly, Ozzie Smith hasn’t been seen since visiting Springfield’s “Spot Of Mystery“.

Baron Davis!

First off, the power of the beard is strong in this jedi.  It defeated Dirk and the Mavericks.  Plus, when you look at the photo you know that Baron Davis is indeed Miami Vicetastic!  He is the epitome of Glenn Frey’s “The Heat Is On!” only you must change the words to “The Beard Is On” or to put in simplistic terms The B Is O!  The only way Baron Davis could be cooler is if he did a book tour where all he did was read Berenstain Bears books!

Let’s make Baron Davis the Spokesman for BOOK-IT!

JOHN GRIZZLY! (OVER THE TOP!)

John Grizzly is the best part about the greatest movie ever! About ARM WRESTLING!  OVER THE TOP!  John Grizzly proves to the average man that by growing a manly man’s beard you can ingest oil and gain robot powers!  I mean, how can a manly bearded man drink oil? The answer is simple; The BEARD! By having a beard you have the ability to get into your enemies’ heads! A beard will give you an intense appearance that will be reinforced by the fact that you can swallow lit cigars! There is nothing more metal than being Arm Wrestling’s Ted Kaczynski!

NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!

Love the beard you’re in,

ELVI!

Beard Watch 2008!

As my beard grows in thicker and thicker; I have noticed that my beard is beginning to show it’s true shape.  

Originally, I had hoped my beard to resemble that of a bear or a person who trains bears.

Sadly, this was not be the case.  My beard has gone from looking like peach fuzz a 9th grader tries to grow, to something resembling a beard similar to #2 (Commander Willam Riker) from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

This is a beard that still rocks the casbah..but I was truly looking for that crazy pioneer look.

But as this beard takes on a life of it’s own..I’m truly enjoying this endurance test of myself and a razor.    I was talking to a lady friend, and she told me that I should trim the beard but keep the goatee part long.  As it gros longer I should cut the goatee into a point so that way I can look like a wise master.

Awesome!

ELVI!

Behold! Classy Women doing Stuff!

Do you know who this is?

If you do, you’re probably a huge sports fan.  For those who aren’t in the know, the girl pictured above is Erin Andrews.  Ms. Andrews works for a cable channel called ESPN as a sideline reporter.  Unlike most sideline reporter’s, Erin Andrews is actually good at her job; she gets interesting facts and does a good interview.  There is something about Ms. Andrews that other sideline reporters dont’ have.

 

Erin Andrews has male sports fans and bloggers by the balls because she has The “IT” Factor!

What is,”IT“?  Honestly, I don’t know.  In fact noone knows, but when you have,”IT“ you’re the hit of the search party.  The French call it Je Nais Se Quoi, but screw that, we all know from, “Scared Straight” that speaking American is the only acceptable language.

I honestly don’t understand the whole fanboyism encircling Ms. Andrews.  The most obvious reason is because I don’t prefer blondes, but I do sorta understand why she is attractive.  She’s stunning in the same way Anne Hathaway is.

 

Basically, Erin Andrews and Anne Hathway are very, very easy on the eyes.  Both are stand outs at their jobs.  I think the biggest thing going for them is that they are classy in a classless world.  Erin Andrews doesn’t posture around like some cheap floozy or dress like that one night stand you had who had a tramp stamp of the Rugrats.   Anne Hathaway can and should be considered the new Audrey Hepburn  You will never see her in a movie with Dane Cook and she won’t go crotchless as much as we all hope (unless you’ve seen HAVOC!).

Finally, to all the guys who have a fetish for Erin Andrews take note.  You are oogling a woman who has grace and confidence; please don’t comment about how you’d drink her bathwater or something really creepy in that vein.

ELVI!

Let’s keep it in the family.

McNamee, Roger Clemen’s trainer; may have told congress that he injected Roger Clemen’s wife with HGH. I’m amazed actually. This PR battle is getting dirty and gritty, much like Amy Winehouse.

to show you what is being speculated I’ll do a simple mathematical equation.

Roger Clemens

+

DEBBIE CLEMENS

X (TIMES)

ASS NEEDLES!

= (equals)

I hope that tomorrow we find out McNammee injected Clemen’s dog with HGH. Also, we have unconfirmed reports of Roger Clemens buying and using Steve Martin’s Penis Beauty Cream!

Use cream for a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis.  These reports are based on Clemens’ housekeeper receiving a brown package that had the words,‘NOT PENIS CREAM!” imprinted on the box. 

God, I love pre-spring training baseball!

ELVI!

WE HAVE BREAKING PUPPY BOWL 4 NEWS!!!!!!

As many are aware.  Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl is the can’t miss event of the year! 
We at The Grand National Championships have gotten word of probably the greatest halftime show that mankind will ever witness!

THE REUNION OF PAULA ABDUL WITH M.C. SKAT CAT!

According to our sources, who we bribed with squeaky toys and catnip;”Paula Abdul has agreed in principal to reunite with animated rapper M.C. Skat Cat during the Kitty Halftime Show of this year’s Puppy Bowl!”

M.C. Skat Cat could not be reached for comment but he did release a press release that states,”She dont’ like cigarettes.  I LIKE TO SMOOOOKEE!”

When questioned about her preformance in the upcoming Kitty Half-time Show Paula Abdul said,”I like clouds that sparkle!  Sometimes, I wear this to make it safe!  Bratz movie!   we all fly away just to escape the hounding of  all.”

If you were curious…Yes, Paula will also be wearing a special costume.

This half-time show is gonna be so awesome it’s like my birthday and flag day rolled into one supreme burrito of greatness!

ELVI!

The Duality of man is always perplexing. So let’s watch movies instead!

This is really quite simple.  I am going to review a few of Hollywood’s greatest movies.  Why? because I believe that besides

 Gene Shalit, today’s movie critics are sell-outs.

 

In The Army Now

What happens when a slacker joins a group that must travel world-wide.  Pauly Shore gives an oscar worthy portrayal of a slacker in,”In The Army Now!”  Viewing this movie will leave one in a metaphysical crisis.   The viewer will no longer know what smell a strawberry is or if walking will lead them to funions and a slurpee.  This life-altering picture will shape a generation to come.

 

Ladybugs 

With so many causes how does one support only one?  This is the paradox a young Jonathan Brandis faces in “Ladybugs”  Being a male soccer phenom is spectactular.  However, when your drunk father has to coach a female soccer team that is in last place, there is only one option.  The genderbending Brandis becomes an exceptional female soccer player named “Martha”.  This raises numerous gender defining and transgender questions.  Can a man really be better than a woman if said male is tucking in his junk?  All these questions and more are answered in Rodney Dangerfields uplifting story.

 

Blank Check 

One must gamble when they stumble upon a blank check.  This is the crux of the epic Disney movie,”Blank Check”  When that gamble pays off there is only one clear option for a preteen to do.  The addition of a waterslide to the third story of the house is a metaphor that stands true to this day.  We all fall fast and wet.

 

Heavyweights

Upon closer examination of the cinematic masterpiece,”Heavyweights”, one can deduce that a class struggle is ongoing.  The eternal struggle of the proletariat (The Fat Kid Camp) and their enemies across the lake the bourgeouise ( The Rich Kids)  is endless.  Thankfully with the intervention of a dirtbike and various traps do the proletariat triumph.  Karl Marx would be proud.

 

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey

Even though there are Orwellian elements in “Homeward Bound: An Incredible Journey”,  the fact that both dogs and the cat easily forgive their human overlords for leaving them stranded 1000 miles away, is proof positive that you never slander the hand that feeds.

I will be taking requests from readers on what movies to review next time.

ELVI!

LET DUNSTON CHECK IN!

For those not in the know, Shawon Dunston is eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame this year.  Simply put, Dunston must check into the Hall of Fame because he oozes sheer awesome and had great gimmicks.

Dunston:  It is customary in our culture that bear cubs must teabag cardinals.

Shawon Dunston played 17 seasons for 6 teams (  Cubs, Giants, Pirates, Mets, Cardinals, and Indians).  It was with those lovable losers, the Chicago Cubs that Shawon Dunston became so cool he wore his sunglasses at night.

We all know that Shawon Dunston had the nickname Rifleman because he could throw 98 M.P.H from his shortstop position.  That’s just one reason why fans loved Dunston.  Behold!  The Shawon-O-Meter!!!

The Majestic Shawon-O-Meter is as legendary in Wrigley Field as the bleacher bums and the ivy.  The meter helped Shawon keep track of his batting average and awesomness.  Simply put, no meter-no peace.

Shawon Dunston: Awesome comes in slurpee form!

That’s not all.  For you see, Mr. Dunston liked to have nice stats in other ways as well.  For example, Shawon Dunston liked to steal bases.  Granted, he was no Ricky Henderson, but the Hamburglar of the Diamond stole 30 bases in a season TWICE!  When Shawon was told of this great accomplishment he was prone to grimacing and yelling Rubble Rubble!

These facts are self-evident and true.  Shawon Dunston must be checked into the Hall of Fame POST HASTE!  We all know that the sportswriters who didn’t vote for Shawon are just jealous of his ability to be a slurpee coin.

ELVI!

I like strippers when they don’t objective themselves in public.

Happy 2008 everyone!

I know I’ve been acting like your deadbeat dad on a bender after getting the pink slip, but damnit! I’ve changed!  I have learned new things that will be glorious in the upcoming year.  Today, I would love to share one of them with you!

Elvi Patterson’s 2008 highlights! 

March 2008

 

Congressman Barney Frank will release a new report for the American public.  “A Frank Chat” will expose a topic that has been swept under the rug for years:  The use of performance enhancing items and drugs in the world of Late Night Talk Show Hosts.  A Frank Chat  will shock and awe the American public with it’s graphic and detailed accounts of prior misdeeds. 

Stephen Colbert will resign in shame after it is shown that his “Brass Balls” are nothing more than saline injections done by Jose Cancesco in the Port Authority Men’s Room.

Colbert:  OH NOS!  I THOUGHT A BEAR WOULD BE THE END OF ME!! 

It will be shown that Jimmy Kimmel is really:   AIDS in a box! 

And the most disturbing part is that Conan O’ Brien is really a midget on stilts!

 

+

  

=

!!!!!

Tune in next time when I reveal what will happen in April of 2008!

 ELVI!

WE HAVE AN ALEX DOWN! I REPEAT! WE HAVE AN ALEX DOWN!

Alex Trebek has suffered a minor heart attack.

This is seriously not cool. If Trebek had the power of the Moustache he could have easily avoided this setback.

I hope and pray that Trebek pull through in time to berate teenagers on Teen Jeopardy!

grow back your stache and you can live forever Trebek!

ELVI!

Dear Bill Martin,

Y’all fucked up. You’re too tied to the Schembechler era. This was an era best served with feasting on the mediocre dregs of the Big 10. (Wisconsin says you’re welcome.) Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the facts.

• 5-12 Bowl record.
• 0 National Championships
• Top 5 finisher in only six seasons.

In fact, it makes you wonder. Why is the Michigan man so mad at ol’ Lloyd Carr? He’s only following the legacy of Bo. He’s been just as marginally above average as Bo.

(He actually has a National Championship Ring to boot.)

But this whole “Michigan Man” mystique is a joke. This is what tears programs asunder. Alabama got sunk by an Alabama man. Notre Dame got sunk by sticking with Notre Dame men. Nebraska…

WELL NEVER MIND ABOUT BILL CALLAHAN. HE IS THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE. EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT.

Anyway, Les Miles would have been the perfect choice. Old school tradition meets new school sexy time freewheelin’. And I understand why you would want him to coach your team. It would be like the desperate nerd saying to themselves, “Kristen Bell is gonna be my girlfriend!”

And she’s gonna wear this everyday! Yeah!

But wake up Dreamers. Les Miles is spoken for. Sure, he’s willing to put you withing the safe boundaries of the friend zone. (And if you are asking for Ron English, Les will give you an honest opinion.)

But until Lloyd goes; Until David Brandon stops playing at T. Boone Pickens; Until Steve Carrell stops choosing roles like an English Actor; you will find yourself with the dorky cute girl. 

My advice to you? Get MSNBC Personality David Shuster on the job hunt. He’s an alum. And he can sift through the clutter to find the true facts.

He will get you your Coach Diamond in the Rough.

Or just hire Brady Hoke. Keep self-perpetuating this cycle.