Behold! The Prodigal Son Has Returned!

Granderson:  I’MMMMMM BAAAAAACCCCKKKK!! YAY!!!

Tonight, the Tigers of the city named Detroit played an aggressive game of baseball against the Rangers of Texas.  This was no ordinary game of baseball, for you see; Curtis “100 Grand” Granderson made his triumphiant return to Motown! 

Granderson:  I totally rock! LOL!

Granderson, with the city of Detroit firmly behind him; went 2-4 with two singles and 2 RBI’s.  Curtis Granderson is the catalyst for the Tigers.  As their lead off hitter, Granderson gives the Tigers the speed and man on base they’ve needed for the last three weeks.  On a team loaded with big hitters, Granderson is the cranberry sauce in a can for the Tiger’s Thanksgiving dinner.  Curtis is the glue that makes everything delicious and awesome about this year’s Detroit Tigers!

Cranberry Sauce:  RESPECT ME!  I MAKE THINGS DELICOUS!

Major League Baseball really, really needs to take notice of Mr. 100 Grand and begin promoting him and his awesome ways.  He could easily become the next Ken Griffey Jr.  Think about it this way Mr. Selig, when Curtis Granderson was doing his rehab starts in Grand Rapids, Michigan the team sold an additional 3000 tickets. 

All I can say is this, Thank you Curtis Granderson for making me care about the 2008 baseball season again!

 

ELVI!

We like Sports. (NL Central Preview)

This is of course a given. But there are other things that we find awesome. For example, the only watchable show on E!, The Soup, rocks socks and rules schools.

How does The Soup relate to sports? Easy. Joel McHale. Ask him about his Rose Bowl Ring.

So we’ve decided to show the fools who don’t watch The Soup and would rather watch the CHUD baby sister clip show “Best Week Ever” what they’re missing and who’s the best in the NL Central. Because we care. We care a lot.

6) The Pittsburgh Pirates are Let’s Take Some E!

Like the more entertaining shows on a network, the NL Central must carry it’s lesser lights. Enter the Pittsburgh Pirates. The E! Channel makes it’s bones on random attractive yet untalented skanks like the Pirates collect random non-roster invitees*. Expect this team to win less than 70 games and have one of the Olly Girls throw out the first ball.

*In this analogy, Ian Snell is Snoop Dogg and Doug Mientkiewicz is Kim Kardashian.

And now, a random E! Skank!

5) The Houston Astros are the Mail Nurse

The stank of steroids and HGH is ripe for this once proud organization. There is estrogen deposits within the man boobs of the great acquisition to lead the team into the next decade. Miguel Tejada is just one step away from becoming a full pre-op tranny. All in all, the Astros are a creepy scene. A really creepy scene. 

Miguel Tejada is creepier than Putting the Lotion in the Basket!

4) The Cincinnati Reds are THE BIG TIME CELBRITY GUEST!

Every year, the Reds try to get you hyped in regards to the magic of their big Free Agent acquisition or their big rookie. Sometimes it’s impressive, if ultimately disappointing. (Ken Griffey Jr. is roughly equivalent to Joss Stone). Sometimes they come out of nowhere to be awesome (as Ron Gant goes, so goes Wolf from American Gladiators) Sometimes it’s an amusing, if merely temporary diversion (If Fransisco Cordero is Constantin Maroulis, then Eric Milton is the Pop Off Lady from Bad Girls Club). Sure, you have to believe the magic on occasion, but it is never your division championship clip of the week.

Why? Because no matter how many big time celebrities the Reds have? Having the baseball equivalent of an adult Danny Bonaduce running the show means your dreams will be destroyed. 

3) The Saint Louis Cardinals ARE Chat Stew

The adventures of the Cardinals are SOOOOO MEATY. You have Albert Pujols as dominant as Oprah. You have Tony LaRussa as the annoying egotistical diva Tyra Banks. You have the daytime drama of the steroid using family of Rick Ankiel, Juan Gonzalez, and the dead and dying Cardinals named Darryl Kile and Josh Hancock. They are mediocre, but they shall return.

2) The Milwaukee Brewers are REALITY SHOW CLIP TIME!

While having two players owning the nickname of the Hebrew Hammer might qualify the Brewers as Jewbacca, they have collected themselves spare parts like America has collected Reality Shows. Mike Cameron is your Survivor. Guillermo Mota is your Married By America. Eric Gagne is your Flavor Flav based Reality Program. They will have a whole load of mediocre at the ready if the stars of The Brewers network are unable to perform.

1) The Chicago Cubs are Oprah’s Va Jay Jay

Every year they are expected to be the among the most dominant forces in NL Central entertainment. This year, with the Japanese Bob Abreu in Kosuke Fukudome, is no different. The Va Jay Jay will be in a hotly contested battle with Reality Show Clip Time for the NL Central crown. But even if the Cubs win the NL Central, we all know what’s going to happen.

My Va-Jay-Jay is Painin’!

More of these posts will come. This is how we will make our baseball previews shine.

YAY! Comparing things to things!

Let’s keep it in the family.

McNamee, Roger Clemen’s trainer; may have told congress that he injected Roger Clemen’s wife with HGH. I’m amazed actually. This PR battle is getting dirty and gritty, much like Amy Winehouse.

to show you what is being speculated I’ll do a simple mathematical equation.

Roger Clemens

+

DEBBIE CLEMENS

X (TIMES)

ASS NEEDLES!

= (equals)

I hope that tomorrow we find out McNammee injected Clemen’s dog with HGH. Also, we have unconfirmed reports of Roger Clemens buying and using Steve Martin’s Penis Beauty Cream!

Use cream for a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis.  These reports are based on Clemens’ housekeeper receiving a brown package that had the words,‘NOT PENIS CREAM!” imprinted on the box. 

God, I love pre-spring training baseball!

ELVI!

LET DUNSTON CHECK IN!

For those not in the know, Shawon Dunston is eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame this year.  Simply put, Dunston must check into the Hall of Fame because he oozes sheer awesome and had great gimmicks.

Dunston:  It is customary in our culture that bear cubs must teabag cardinals.

Shawon Dunston played 17 seasons for 6 teams (  Cubs, Giants, Pirates, Mets, Cardinals, and Indians).  It was with those lovable losers, the Chicago Cubs that Shawon Dunston became so cool he wore his sunglasses at night.

We all know that Shawon Dunston had the nickname Rifleman because he could throw 98 M.P.H from his shortstop position.  That’s just one reason why fans loved Dunston.  Behold!  The Shawon-O-Meter!!!

The Majestic Shawon-O-Meter is as legendary in Wrigley Field as the bleacher bums and the ivy.  The meter helped Shawon keep track of his batting average and awesomness.  Simply put, no meter-no peace.

Shawon Dunston: Awesome comes in slurpee form!

That’s not all.  For you see, Mr. Dunston liked to have nice stats in other ways as well.  For example, Shawon Dunston liked to steal bases.  Granted, he was no Ricky Henderson, but the Hamburglar of the Diamond stole 30 bases in a season TWICE!  When Shawon was told of this great accomplishment he was prone to grimacing and yelling Rubble Rubble!

These facts are self-evident and true.  Shawon Dunston must be checked into the Hall of Fame POST HASTE!  We all know that the sportswriters who didn’t vote for Shawon are just jealous of his ability to be a slurpee coin.

ELVI!

I remember when Scream 2 came out.

My friend Adam and I went to see the movie. We were high school movie reviewers.

*Pausing for the nerdy air five…good*

Anyhow. The big news rumor from those heady days at the end of 1997 was that the Brewers, with Bud Selig, in the midst of choking his dear love into submission, had themselves going after a superstar. 1998 Kenny Lofton was considering being a Milwaukee Brewer. Seriously. I’m not lying.

Put it this way, the mere fact the Brewers were on a stars list gave us legitimacy. (Yeah, I’m the same guy who said all the joy that your Milwaukee Brewers fans had for Curt Schilling was wasted. But come on, Schilling is an innings-eater at present. Lofton was a superstar, man.)

Of course, 20 mil under the major offer and trip to George Webb was all that came out of it.

Now? Lofton is a free agent again. The Crew is interested. Sure, now he’s more of a high-end platoon player. He would not effect the defense positively. He can’t hit lefties. But the fact remains, add Lofton and you gain a playoff berth. 

Weeks becomes the star he was born to be.
Sheets lasts the season without injury.
Ned Yost does not overmanage the team.

And we will lose in the NLCS. But I may take it.

Maybe.

Guess who’s a big bowl of drunk?

Tony LaRussa enjoys TEH WINE!

 

You know who else enjoys TEH WINE?

WINOBOT!

Enjoy sloppy drunks!

ELVI!

Just for viewing this you get…

ALEX TREBEK SWEARING WITH A PORNSTACHE!

In Which I Preview Every Major Free Agent

Okay, we all know what Free Darko did with a preview of every NBA Player out there doing his NBA thing. This is an homage. This is something less ambitious and probably less deft than what Free Darko did.

But they have a book deal, I’m barely interested in advertising for this site. And I know baseball better than I know hoop. I drafted this Josh Smith character round two in Fantasy Hoops and I still don’t know who he is.

Notes: The Number in Parentisis is Age. The list, with best guesses for option years is cribbed from MLB Trade Rumors. NT=Non Tendered Free Agent

Catchers
Michael Barrett (31) Will be punched upon his return to Chicago.
Ramon Castro (32) Mike Rivera will attempt to kill him in an homage to Single White Female.
Jason Kendall (34) Had his own personal tech bubble go burst in his ankle.  
Paul Lo Duca (36) Will administer misery upon everone he sees after he takes a lesser deal. Will bat .533 in Spring Training.
Jorge Posada (36) Will miss having Tim Gunn as his wingman more than he’ll ever know.
Jose Molina (33) Will go on a hunting trip with Yadier and Bengie. None will return. One week later, a Japanese ghost will be found.
Yorvit Torrealba (30) His strong arm and good game calling will not save him from the Hell of leaving the Rockies.

First basemen
Sean Casey (34) Will find the schtick that was so cute long ago has worn thin.
Tony Clark (36) Reminds everyone that he was once the #2 pick in the Draft.
Darin Erstad (34) Chuck Klosterman will fight to keep him in the league.
Scott Hatteberg (38) Billy Beane does not return his calls.
Ryan Klesko (37) Has not checked the children. And the call is coming from inside the house! OH NOES!
Doug Mientkiewicz (34) Keeps rereading his sections in the Sam Walker book “Fantasyland.”

Second basemen
Luis Castillo (32) He needs to hit .330 to have value.
Marcus Giles (30) Will be a butler to a rich English family in the BBC’S hilarious send up of the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”
Tadahito Iguchi (33) Really misses Shingo Takatsu.
Mark Loretta (37) Has no use for these proceedings.
Kaz Matsui (32) Is still confused as to why the kid from Growing Pains hasn’t saved the world yet.
Jose Valentin (38) The stealthy play for someone who needs a third baseman.

Shortstops
David Eckstein (33) Loves the fact that he is white.
Cesar Izturis (28) Will grab your taint for league minimum.
Alexei Ramirez (26) Is really 47 years old.
Juan Uribe (29) Will punch Michael Barrett upon his return to Chicago.
Omar Vizquel (41) Does not know about his name drop on the Simpsons.

Third basemen
Pedro Feliz (33) The luckiest boy in free agency land.
Mike Lamb (32) Loves the Gyros. Truly, he like-a the juice.
Mike Lowell (34) Will make 20 million dollars more thanks to Scott Boras’ showstealing.
Alex Rodriguez (32) Demands Don Cheadle voiceovers every time he has to talk.

Left fielders
Barry Bonds (43) [Reference to drug use and general unlikability.]
Cliff Floyd (35) As the man said, you can’t go home again.
Luis Gonzalez (40) Back in his day he walked uphill both ways to batting practice, and 15 home runs were tremendous! SPECTACULAR!
Geoff Jenkins (33) If Trot Nixon kind of looked like Brett Favre…
Reggie Sanders (40) America’s Next Top Black Republican.
Shannon Stewart (34) A cautionary tale for Vernon Wells.
Brad Wilkerson (31) Al’s Ramblings choice for a stopgap replacement for your Milwaukee Brewers.

Center fielders
Mike Cameron (35) Even with the PED suspension, the 4th stupidest Center fielder available.
Torii Hunter (32) Will creepily tongue kiss Alex Rodriguez for allwoing him to play close to home in Arlington.
Andruw Jones (31) Will have a huge bounce back year justifying the smaller big contract. Scott Boras will eat bone marrow out of Mark Prior’s arm in frustration.
Kenny Lofton (41) Will sign with a losing playoff team for a one year deal.
Corey Patterson (28) Reads “#1 Prospect 2001, 2002″ on his business card.
Aaron Rowand (30) Not worth the money he’s going to get.

Right fielders
Milton Bradley (30) He’ll be coming back next year.
Kosuke Fukudome (31) Has his own tribute band.
Shawn Green (35) Jewish. And yet he is nowhere near excited about Bee Movie as the chosen people are expected to be.
Jose Guillen (32) About to find himself in a hilarious romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore.
Trot Nixon (34) Geoff Jenkins with a southern fried Boston accent.

DHs
Mike Piazza (39) Bravely wore a mustache in the mid-1990’s at the Mustache’s nadir.
Sammy Sosa (39) Will likely be the unintelligible ESPN Baseball Analyst. Sorry Eduardo Perez!
Mike Sweeney (34) The tragic hero of Major League Baseball.

Yeah. You need a break. I shall provide you solace. As well as a pretty girl doing stuff.

Yep. There we go. A sorbet to clear the palate. ON TO PITCHING!

Starting pitchers
Tony Armas (30) In a world where the elite play dice with the universe, only one man fights for you. That man is Tony Armas.
Kris Benson (33) [Reference to the attractiveness of his wife].
Paul Byrd (37) Apparently Jesus loves a lying drug user.
Shawn Chacon (30) Holds the record for most saves with a 7+ ERA in a single season.
Roger Clemens (46) Will feign a hamstring injury to get out of the act of lovemaking.
Matt Clement (33) The ballast of the Boston Red Sox. He’s a rich man’s Jamey Wright.
Bartolo Colon (35) Went to 30 Taco Bells in the greater Los Angeles area on October 30th. He loves his tacos.
Josh Fogg (31) Really loves the music of Mel Torme.
Casey Fossum (30) Has a crippling addiction to Soma.
Freddy Garcia (32) Can’t look himself in the mirror.
Tom Glavine (42) The last of the Red Hot 300 Game Winner Bombshells.
Livan Hernandez (33) Is voting for Stephen Colbert in the primaries.
Jason Jennings (29) Finds Top Ten Lists the Lowest form of communication if your name is not David Letterman.
Byung-Hyun Kim (29) Million dollar arm, seven cent head.
Brian Lawrence (32) He’s the Dollar Tree Jon Leiber.
Jon Lieber (38) He is Bob Tewksbury for a new generation!
Kyle Lohse (29) Calls Jeff Suppan for advice on being a mediocre pitcher demanding 8 figures per year.
Rodrigo Lopez (32) He is the inspiration for the man known throught Mexcio as El Dandy.
Eric Milton (32) They say it’s a hopeless fight, but he says he has to try.
Tomo Ohka (32) Has not seen one episode of Cautionary Tales of Swords.
Russ Ortiz (34) Will have to pay a team two million dollars for a spot on the 40-man roster.
Odalis Perez (31) The greatest non-roster invitee you will ever see.
Kenny Rogers (43) Will punch you if you offer him chicken. Or film him. Or if you’re at arms length. He’s really an ass.
Curt Schilling (41) The fans of his 13th free agent choice are overjoyed to even be mentioned. Seriously. They have no dignity.
Carlos Silva (29) He will flee to South Africa after a slow start. 
Julian Tavarez (35) Will fight a baby and lose.
John Thomson (34) The Division Three Linfield Tigers basketball team has a standing offer for him to coach.
Brett Tomko (35) Once traded between two fantasy baseball players 12 times.
Steve Trachsel (37) Ugly. Mean. Slow. If he couldn’t pitch, he’d be working at Burger King.
Jeff Weaver (31) Will retire to become the next Christopher Cross.
David Wells (45) Will retire to the Independent Nation of Buckfalls Ranch.
Kip Wells (31) Is gifted with the greatest gift of all. Delusion.
Randy Wolf (31) The greatest professional player in MTV Rock and Jock history.
Jamey Wright (34) Pitches like a man who has sex with Misty Mundae on the side.
Jaret Wright (32) His elbow fell off. Forget about him.
Mike Maroth (NT) He’s lefthanded. Apparently that’s valuable.
Mark Prior (NT) Busy providing Scott Boras what he needs to survive.

Closers
Armando Benitez (35) Is a lot scarier before you get to know him.
Francisco Cordero (33) He will disappoint at 4 years and 44 million.
Eric Gagne (32) Wishes for a smaller market so he can smoke his hookah in piece.
Todd Jones (40) For someone who hates the gays, he has the mustache of someone whom knows the restroom code. LARRY CRAIG!
Mariano Rivera (38) Will sign with the Colorado Rockies in an upset.
Bob Wickman (39) Enjoys butter fried butter.

Middle relievers
Jeremy Affeldt (29) Remarkable, he has not felt a boob. The Dugout lies here.
Antonio Alfonseca (36) Curses the lack of convenient taco bells in the greater Philadelphia area.
LaTroy Hawkins (35) He is a random mediocre middle reliever. Also, he’s a shapeshifter.
Jorge Julio (29) The Dominican Byung Hyun-Kim
Joe Kennedy (29) An underrated lefthanded swingman option.
Scott Linebrink (31) Dominant in 2005 and 2006. The “LOST” of baseball players.
Troy Percival (39) Goes after all nerds with a violent fury.
David Riske (31) Owes Jaime Walker for his pioneering middle relief work.
Mike Timlin (42) Regrets not being around for the majestry of RBI Baseball.
Luis Vizcaino (31) Won a radar gunoff versus Kyle Farnsworth.
Kerry Wood (31) Will still look like the drummer from the Offspring.
Eddie Guardado (NT) Once upon a time, this man was what was right with the world. Now, he is merely filler.

See, there you go. Now you know that if you sign Luis Vizcaino, he has a power arm. Or Marcus Giles will be the next Ricky Gervais. I have done a service here.

You’re welcome.

All You Need to Know.

Everybody’s going to over-analyze the big news of yesterday or hype up next week to the point where you want to punch a puppy. Not here. At the Grand National Championships, if we cannot do it in ten words or less, we will let you do the work. We like your moxie.

Anyway. Here’s what happened yesterday.

New England 52, Washington 7
Indianapolis 31, Carolina 7

• ESPN’s at full erctile functionality! Bellichick does rhyme with dick.

Detroit 16, Chicago 7

• Jon Kitna better not start with the trademarking. Jesus hates that.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 13

• A black coach is about to lose job. NOIS silent.

NY Giants 13, Miami 10

• London rain made this game torture. Eli Manning Nose Dive?

Philadelphia 23, Minnesota 16

• And the Donovan McNabb season ending injury watch starts…now.

Cleveland 27, St. Louis 20

• Steven Jackson hurt again, Marc Bulger wishes he was dead.

Tennessee 13, Oakland 9

• Merril Hoge has Vince Youngs family in grave danger.

Buffalo 13, New York Jets 3

• Chad Pennington makes the suck again. Losman to Evans reborn?

 San Diego 35, Houston 10

• Pam Ward- “San Diego came out on fire today!”

Jacksonville 24, Tampa Bay 23

• Ike Hilliard is now hated by people not named me.

New Orleans 31, San Fransisco 10

• Drew Brees and Marques Colston party like it’s 2006.

Alex Rodriguez opts out of his contract

• If Mike Lowell was secure in his manhood, he’d french ARod.

I’m serious too. ARod’s series usurping announcement just made Mike Lowell over Ten Million Dollars. I don’t think there are many people who would delve into homoerotica if they were getting eight figures more than their previous total.

I may delve deeper into Mike Lowell being richer than Astronauts later, but I will do something on the city of Boston and their beloved sports teams making the rest of the USA wish them banhammered.

Can A Brother Be A Saviour? Otherwise known as,”Can I Borrow A Record?”

Major League Baseball has been struggling lately.  With the rampant allegations of steroids and HGH use, the whole Barry Bonds can of worms, and of course the St. Louis Cardinals (take your pick on which drunk you want to be angry at Tony LaRussa or Josh Hancock!)  Baseball needed a saviour, a man who could get sportswriters to write in an orgasmic fervor that only coke or Zeus could equal.

Along came a man,  A former pitcher now outfielder who could suddenly hit some dingers. Was this the second coming of Babe Ruth?  NO! Ankiel enjoyed HGH with his cheerios. 

Ankiel: Dude, I SOOOO SUCK!!

As this story unfolded America began to realize that baseball is/was full of cheaters and that Nancy Reagan was wrong.  Winners were using drugs! 

There is a man who can save baseball.  We at ” The Grand National Championships” have been harping on how great this man is for quite a long time.  The shameful secret is that sportswriters won’t even glorify the amazing things and records this man has accomplished so far this season.  Who is this wizard of the diamond who has enthralled Andrew and I for so long you ask?  GAZE UPON SALVATION!

Curtis “100 Grand” Granderson:  I’m Awesome! LOL!

Curtis Granderson is the best player that baseball won’t talk about.  Sure, you’ve heard all about A-Rod and how he’s so great at hitting home runs.  You know  that Rick Ankiel hit homers and was a good then terrible pitcher who reminded you of,”The Natural”  Then you heard that Ankiel bought HGH.  Do you know who’s leading baseball in triples?  Answer: Curtis Granderson!  Hey, do you know how many baseball players have hit at least 20 homers, 20 triples, 20 doubles and 20 stolen bases in a single season?  Answer: 3!  I’ll give you the names of two.  One is legendary hall of famer Willie Mays and another is 100 GRAND!

As I end this lovefest for Curtis Granderson, I will say that I respect the hell out him and that he plays the game the way it should always be played.  Also, as a guy who’s going back to college, I have to admit that he’s awesome in the schooling as well.  Curtis has 2 degrees.  How many does Rick “Cheater” Ankiel have?  Answer: 0!

Keep your head high and stay gold Curtis!

ELVI!

I have reasons to hate the NL Central.

Even my Brewers. It’s only one, but it’s a big one. But before I go there, I will visit other teams and why I dislike them.

Chicago Cubs.

The announcing is awful. Simply horrendous. The worst offender? Ron Santo. Now I know you’re going to be all, ”not cool dude. He has the diabetes.”

That’s not the point. He is awful at his job. Really, if diabetes made you a better broadcaster, wouldn’t Wilford Brimley be the most Kick-ass announcer ever?

Roger Clemens won’t grow old and he won’t ever die.

An announcer is bad? You call them out on it. Hell, I would rather listen to Pat Hughes and Wilford on the ol’ WGN. But no. We get a call of this…

Hughes: Soriano swings
*KRAK*
Santo: Yeah!
Hughes: It is high!
Santo: We got this!
Hughes: It is long!
*Jason Bay robs Soriano of the home run*
Santo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! no… no. :(

Yeah. It’s awful, right? And the TV is worse. Steve Stone was a man of penultimate professionalism, and as this youtube video shows, he’s a pretty good straight man.

Steve Stone is an awesome announcer. Awesome.

Also. Why should you hate the Cubs?  Because the hardocre fans are living off of excuses. A promeninent bar owner can’t bring in his goat on the field and you lose the series? Feh!

And the Steve Bartman thing? I don’t often agree with ESPN on matters, but if their first show in a series. THE VERY FIRST SHOW! Says you can’t blame Steve Bartman.

Then you should stop blaming Steve Bartman for a Cubs team that couldn’t handle their shit.

Saint Louis Cardinals

Tim McCarver is a massive problem. Why? Because he infected Joe Buck with his shitty announcing disease. We all know that Jack Buck was an announcer that rocked socks and ruled schools.

Joe Buck is best known for false outrage and other bullshit. You cannot love this man. And if you want to know why? I have video evidence here.

He’s the other one. Pretty obvious, sure, but come on, when you have Tony LaRussa thinking he can shit magic, you cannot love the guy. Also, look at this photo.

This is Chris Hanson’s wet dream. Can you not see that I am serious?

Look, the Brewers aren’t immune. They also have problems.

Like peeyourpantsforthebrewers.com. It was a “heh” idea. But then they started with the merchandise. Merchandise? Showing your desire to wet yourself? Awful. Simply horrendous.

It is for shit as they say in Czech Republic.

Also. Ray King look-alike Bernie Mac was in the worst baseball movie of the modern era. Mr. 3000 just made me want to say, “America? I’m gonna hit them kids!”

Yeah. What? I can’t hate the Brewers for being fatties. That would just mean I have to hate myself.