Is C.C. Sabathia the Interior Crocodile Alligator who drives a chevy movie theater that the Brewers need?

First off, mad propers to Buster Olney, because he clearly thinks highly of this blog.

Who else said the Brewers could trade for Sabathia even in a joking fashion? Not Brewerfan.net, not Conservative Blogger Al Bethke, not even the Wisconsin Sports Bar.

It was me. It was me all along.

But now for the Mainstream Media? There is something that needs to be vetted here for your Milwaukee Brewers. Three reasons why? Three reasons why not? Sure.

REASONS WHY

1. The Brewers will make the playoffs. Even if Sheets misses an extended amount of time. C.C. Sabathia would be an arm that would get the Brewers into the Wild Card. Why? C.C. Sabathia is awesome from August onward. And with only two teams to vault in the Wild Card? They play onward into October.

2. The National League has not seen C.C. Sabathia. An experienced arm with good stats for the stretch run? It’s a good thing. An experienced arm that the league hasn’t seen much of? He could be Sutcliffe in 1984. I mean, for those of you who don’t know? The Cubs got a 16-1 with a 2.69 ERA and a Cy Young Award in the process of trading for Joe Carter.

3. The Brewers might not have to mortgage the Farm system to get him. Sure, Prince Fielder isn’t a likely cost for the Cleveland Indians, but even so? The Brewers aren’t going to have to fire out a Gamel, Jeffress, and Salome package to get him. You could bring Matt LaPorta to Cleveland and still likely be okay.

But there are some issues. They’re real, and they may paralyze the Brewers from making the move.

1. They could sign him, but will they? With Gagne, Sheets, and probably Cameron coming off the books? The Brewers could decide to give Sabathia a major contract offer. But would it be excatly like or close to the Johan? No. And for a small market team, would you rather have six years of top hitting prospect or two months of great pitching?

2. Damn Yankees. Hank Steinbrenner is a desperate man. He saw his youth energy that he held on so desperately turn to Joba Chamberlain and shit this season. And if the Yankees take the position that he will only be a rental for two months? Would a package of Jesus Montero, Melky Cabrera, and Ian Kennedy be worth more than one Matt LaPorta? Sadly, yes.

And as a further note, a team like the Dodgers is currently chock full of prospect, and an Andy LaRoche and Andre Ethier could also be very interesting.

3. Can he handle Bratwurst for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner? Cleveland is not a major metropolitan market. But Milwaukee? It can be a depressing place to live. I love it, but I have to admit it. It is no Cleveburg. He may be in for a culutre shock?

Should Dougie Baseball Do It? Sure. I do think it would be like Don Sutton in 1982 and the Crew would get to the playoffs on his left arm. But don’t take MY word for it.

Milwaukee is BRAUN TOWN!

I enjoy the signing. He’s ours to root for until 2015. He’s locked into left field. And it’s really a beautiful thing. Why?

1. It means we aren’t going to let our superstar go for 35 cents on the dollar.

Remember when Chris Bosio went for nothing? Remember when Gary Sheffield went for Ricky Bones and Matt Mieske? Now Doug Melvin can cull value from something seemingly universally hated (remember the Carlos Lee trade?), but still. This means Annastasio isn’t fucking around. I like it.

2. Imagine this 3-7 of a lineup.

Fielder, Braun, LaPorta, Gamel, Hart. Won’t likely happen, but there’s always room to hope. It’s audacious!

3. Prince Fielder is going to be traded.

I’ve gone to thinking he’s overrated. Not a bad player. Just that I think they’re making the right decision on their two bats. Prince has old players skills.

If I’m supposed to have hope for 2010 and beyond? Okay. This works.

Things I’ve Learned From Opening Day…

Well, that was fun eh? A bitchin’ pitchers duel blown up by a bad day from both closers.

What did we learn today? Let’s find out, shall we?

1) The Brewers have a bullpen problem.

Well, not officially, but the skittishness of the Brewers fan in regards to the late innings has gone from about a 5 to an 8. Sure, Eric Gagne was able to circle the wagons after the Fukudome homer, but the fact that this is coming off of a transcendant collapse in Boston. And all this for 10 million dollars? Sweet!

BIG DEAL! I’M RICH!

2) Conversely, Lou Pinella may have to choke a bitch.

Spring training statistics mean nothing. Nothing. Now I’m not going to say that Kerry Wood is going to suck this year. I’m not going to say Carlos Marmol will be the aid that the Cubs need. And Bobby Howry may yet tone and tighten his statistics. But on this day? Kerry Wood got rocked with the game on the line. Put the Cubs bullpen anxiety at about a 3.

3) Kosuke Fukudome will be larger in Chicago than the Second City Comedy Troupe.

In fact, Saturday Night Live is scouting him to join the cast this fall. 

His Obama Impersonation will save face for the once proud Saturday Night Live Franchise.

4) Corey Hart is going to have a breakout season.

It’s as if I just hurt my arm in regards to patting myself on the back. Yeah, who called it? We did it!

WE LET THE DOGS OUT!

5) Jason Kendall is going to have to be this good defensively every day for me not to say he sucks.

I DO SAY GOOD SIR, YOU ARE RATHER AWFUL!

Hey Brewers Fan?

Do you have faith in Zach Jackson? Do you have hope for him?

Because while I may have said that Seth McClung has an excellent chance of closing games for the Brewers, I will guarantee that Zach will have a great chance of taking the mound for a game that matters. And judging by an MLE 5.69 ERA, 1.68 WHIP, and almost four walks per 9 innings? This shall not bode well.

But how did we get to the point where we have to put our faith in a “monster?”

Starting Pitching Depth is a misnomer.

At the end of last season, the Milwaukee Brewers were in great shape in the rotation. They had 7 starters whom have delivered in some way shape or form last season, and Manny Parra is a lefthanded starter with elite potentials. Sure, it would have been cool if they could have flipped a starter for a decent prospect. But, 8 starters man, it’s a good thing.

Sure, Ben Sheets could very well be nothing more than a mere Mark Prior wannabe in terms of his Dugout portrayal, and Parra is not in love with throwing over 100 innings, but that still leaves 6 valid starters, right?

Nope.

Chris Capuano tore yet another elbow ligament. He needs Tommy John surgery. Yovani Gallardo has a knee injury, that is something that can affect a pitcher’s style very easily.

And now the Brewers up and released Claudio Vargas. Yeah, he is pretty much made of meh. However? Meh as a pitcher is a skill in and of itself. And where does that leave the Brewers rotation?

1. Sheets (Talented when healthy, but he won’t last the season)
2. Gallardo (Pitcher with a bad knee. He will be a wee bit of a question mark.)
3. Parra (If you want him to stay healthy? He can’t pitch more than 130 IP.)
4. Bush (The man is skilled, but he’s wildly inconsistent. I still think he’d be a lot more awesome in the bullpen.)
5. Suppan (The Platinum version of Claudio Vargas.)
6. Villanueva (Pretty good. You need a good set-up man, long man or end of the rotation guy? New House is your man.)

But if you expect Sheets and Parra to miss some time? Who is the man you’ll expect to fill the slot?

CHRIS NARVESON! YEAH!

Or how about we put it this way. Chris Narveson is a man who was once very much like Manny Parra in that he was able to bring it with power. Sadly, he has also brought it like Parra in that he was unable to stay healthy. But unlike Parra, he was unable to come out the other side near to the level where he once was. (If you search out his minor league career? You’ll see that he’s added about two walks per nine innings.)

Also? He’s still injury prone like Ben Sheets.

And you know what that means? We are back to do. 

Or Zach Jackson. This is going to hurt the Brewers in the end. 

(Though, I expect the Brewers to sign a Durbin.)  

The Trickiness of Underrated.

It is not easy to define what makes a player underrated. The good player may be on a team made of stars. The young player may have consolidated the skills that made him hyped sometime in June. The pitcher may finally have a defense that works for him.

But there are names that are flying under the radar this season. We’re gonna let our light shine upon these underrated going into 2008. These are the guys you need to be watching. Eyes front, these are your new heroes.

The Grand National Championships Present: Dude’s that Don’t Suck

Curtis Granderson CF-Detroit

Now, I know what you’re thinking. He had one of the all time great seasons in baseball history last year, how can he be underrated? You see, while he was spectacular, he is still not a complete player. He is much less than passable versus left-handed pitching, and this will be the year that he turns the tide. Consolidating that with his dominace versus right handed pitching, he will be downright spectacular. And in a line-up with superstars like Miggy Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Dontrelle Willis, Gary Sheffield and Justin Verlander? He is still going to fly under the radar.

Jeremy Hermida RF-Florida

When somebody makes the big leagues at the age of 21, he comes with savior level expectations. When somebody goes between awful and injured at age 22, people get disappointed. The first half of age 23? A lot of same shit different day. The second half? Awesome. .340/10/36/.401/.555. He’s ready for the world, so long as he stays healthy.

Chad Billingsley RHP-LA Dodgers

You want to know a reason why the Dodgers are going to improve this year? Bank on Billingsley. Last year when he finally made his entrance into the starting rotation after some scuffling in the bullpen, this young man became the putative ace of the Dodgers with a 3.38 ERA from June onward. And yet? In a world where Brad Penny had sex with Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku and Clayton Kershaw is a prospect with Hall of Fame potential, Chad Billingsley is a mere afterthought.

Wasn’t he the kid in Heavyweights?

Corey Hart RF-Milwaukee

As a wise man once said. You don’t go messing with a country boy, a country boy, a country boy. And this native of Bowling Green, Kentucky is a man that is more than sharing a name with a no-talent assclown. This giant of a man with a broad base of skills is less visible than Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Yovani Gallardo, Ben Sheets, Eric Gagne, hell, even Jason Kendall is better known to the casual fan. But the fact of the matter is, his flaw to superstardom is more correctable than our favorite 100 Grand. A lot easier to take more walks than hit lefthanders.

These are four names you need to know, casual baseball fan. These are four names that will be even bigger next year. If you don’t know? Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

We like Sports. (NL Central Preview)

This is of course a given. But there are other things that we find awesome. For example, the only watchable show on E!, The Soup, rocks socks and rules schools.

How does The Soup relate to sports? Easy. Joel McHale. Ask him about his Rose Bowl Ring.

So we’ve decided to show the fools who don’t watch The Soup and would rather watch the CHUD baby sister clip show “Best Week Ever” what they’re missing and who’s the best in the NL Central. Because we care. We care a lot.

6) The Pittsburgh Pirates are Let’s Take Some E!

Like the more entertaining shows on a network, the NL Central must carry it’s lesser lights. Enter the Pittsburgh Pirates. The E! Channel makes it’s bones on random attractive yet untalented skanks like the Pirates collect random non-roster invitees*. Expect this team to win less than 70 games and have one of the Olly Girls throw out the first ball.

*In this analogy, Ian Snell is Snoop Dogg and Doug Mientkiewicz is Kim Kardashian.

And now, a random E! Skank!

5) The Houston Astros are the Mail Nurse

The stank of steroids and HGH is ripe for this once proud organization. There is estrogen deposits within the man boobs of the great acquisition to lead the team into the next decade. Miguel Tejada is just one step away from becoming a full pre-op tranny. All in all, the Astros are a creepy scene. A really creepy scene. 

Miguel Tejada is creepier than Putting the Lotion in the Basket!

4) The Cincinnati Reds are THE BIG TIME CELBRITY GUEST!

Every year, the Reds try to get you hyped in regards to the magic of their big Free Agent acquisition or their big rookie. Sometimes it’s impressive, if ultimately disappointing. (Ken Griffey Jr. is roughly equivalent to Joss Stone). Sometimes they come out of nowhere to be awesome (as Ron Gant goes, so goes Wolf from American Gladiators) Sometimes it’s an amusing, if merely temporary diversion (If Fransisco Cordero is Constantin Maroulis, then Eric Milton is the Pop Off Lady from Bad Girls Club). Sure, you have to believe the magic on occasion, but it is never your division championship clip of the week.

Why? Because no matter how many big time celebrities the Reds have? Having the baseball equivalent of an adult Danny Bonaduce running the show means your dreams will be destroyed. 

3) The Saint Louis Cardinals ARE Chat Stew

The adventures of the Cardinals are SOOOOO MEATY. You have Albert Pujols as dominant as Oprah. You have Tony LaRussa as the annoying egotistical diva Tyra Banks. You have the daytime drama of the steroid using family of Rick Ankiel, Juan Gonzalez, and the dead and dying Cardinals named Darryl Kile and Josh Hancock. They are mediocre, but they shall return.

2) The Milwaukee Brewers are REALITY SHOW CLIP TIME!

While having two players owning the nickname of the Hebrew Hammer might qualify the Brewers as Jewbacca, they have collected themselves spare parts like America has collected Reality Shows. Mike Cameron is your Survivor. Guillermo Mota is your Married By America. Eric Gagne is your Flavor Flav based Reality Program. They will have a whole load of mediocre at the ready if the stars of The Brewers network are unable to perform.

1) The Chicago Cubs are Oprah’s Va Jay Jay

Every year they are expected to be the among the most dominant forces in NL Central entertainment. This year, with the Japanese Bob Abreu in Kosuke Fukudome, is no different. The Va Jay Jay will be in a hotly contested battle with Reality Show Clip Time for the NL Central crown. But even if the Cubs win the NL Central, we all know what’s going to happen.

My Va-Jay-Jay is Painin’!

More of these posts will come. This is how we will make our baseball previews shine.

YAY! Comparing things to things!

Occasionally…

I have made mention of favors that I have asked from people I do not know. Now some have panned out (see the JD Ryznar interview), and others have not. Now one of the things I had asked for was to write the Brewers preview for Deadspin. And remarkably enough? Will didn’t laugh me out of Blogfrica.

On Fri, Dec 28, 2007 at 8:14 AM, Will Leitch <will@deadspin.com> wrote:

All right … usually I have Dan Kois from NY mag do them … but I’ll see where he stands this year … we’ll figure it out. And happy holidays!

Best,
Will

 

But as a cursory perusal of Deadspin showed today, Dan Kois still loves the Brewers enough to write about them on site. C’est la vie, I guess. I was asking for a longshot, and it did not come in.

But that does not mean I should not put up something that I believe is quality workmanship. So, for your edificatory pleasure, I proudly present…

Your Milwaukee Brewers, a Deadspin Cake Rocks The Grand National Championships Season Preview.

Fantasy Baseball Breakout Candidacy: 20 Sides of Justice!

 

Now, it is the dark and dour nights of the sports blogosphere. No baseball. Basketball still does not matter no matter how hard I effort. And we cannot give a motherflippin’ flip about the autos going vroom in a circle.

So, being helpful joes at wheatever we’re calling ourselves today, we are going to give advice for the fantasy baseball player. Everybody knows about Pujols and Johan. Everybody loves Braun and 100 Grand. But the question is, who’s next? Who is going to be the next great fantasy baseball Superstar?

Read on good madams and sirs, read on.

 

Rickie Weeks =  A Lawful Good Elf Thief

Strength: 13 
Dexterity: 17
Constitution: 13
Intelligence: 12
Charisma: 16
Wisdom: 9

A second baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers, in his halcyon pre-draft days, he was going to be the next Joe Morgan. But when Rickie made the big leagues, he was cast asunder by a heart that’s larger than his brain and a lack of quality Clerics on the Brewers training staff. Finally healthy and questing with a talented, veteran team, look for Rickie to go wild.

RYAN BRAUN IS NOT A GREAT CLERIC!

Mike Jacobs =  A Neutral Evil Ogre Fighter

Strength: 16 
Dexterity: 4
Constitution: 14
Intelligence: 8
Charisma: 12
Wisdom: 5

An ogre from New York, Mike has been underleveled for the past couple of years. But if you are looking for some cheap late round power, Mike Jacobs is your huckleberry. He swings the bat with thunder. He crushes southpaws. He is an experienced level 26. Take a last round flyer. You won’t be disappointed.

Dennis Sarfate =  A Lawful Evil Blood Ranger

Strength: 16 
Dexterity: 3
Constitution: 14
Intelligence: 6
Charisma: 16
Wisdom: 6

There are some who say that he is an angry dog-like creature. There are some who say George Sherill is your closer. But even if he will eat humans guts for breakfast, there is a big issue with Sherill. He’s a lefty. Lefties don’t close. In an open competition for the bullpen, lefties do have a strike against them. And Sarfate has a monster fastball and a good slider. He has 18 months of moster pitching in him. He is the next Derrick Turnbow.

Daisuke Matsuzaka =  A Chaotic Good Halfling Dwarf

Strength: 16 
Dexterity: 12
Constitution: 14
Intelligence: 14
Charisma: 10
Wisdom: 13

The Japanese Dontrelle Willis, Daisuke Matsuzaka had a great start to 2007, but he ended up hitting a wall in the second half. Expect accurate healing, good dominance. The Gyroball is going to be good for 16-18 wins and 200 K’s. Daisuke will absorb Schillings load.

Here are four names you need to know right now. Remember them. Grab Dick-K by the 6th Round, Weeks by the 12th, Jacobs in the last, and store Dennis Sarfate in the memory backs.

He will tear out your throat if you don’t.

YAY! GRANT MORRISON JOKE!

Inspiring thoughts about your Milwaukee Brewers and the Winter Meetings.

1) Paul LoDuca is going to sign for less money than Jason Kendall. Kendall is a worse player. Better to have two skills than one.

2) David Riske is a decent middle reliever. His command comes and goes. At his worst? He’ll be Derrick Turnbow without the power. At his best, he’s a cheaper Scott Linebrink. Thus. I give this signing a meh.

3) I do not want Scott Rolen on this team. He is baseball old, injury prone, and looks like a damned hick.

4) Callix Crabbe is not a Brewer anymore. Goddamnit! (I am very serious about this. Callix Crabbe. That’s a name of the year candidate.)

5) Doug Melvin does not have the balls to trade Ben Sheets. I hear a lot of Sheets to the Dodgers right now. And even if it’s LaRoche or Broxton and Ethier or Kemp, it is still the superstar that they are trading. Carlos Lee was merely a rental. But this? This is the pointer, middle, and pinky of all shockers to the Brewers fan.

Bye!

You heard it here first…

Dave Bush will be forced to close games for the Milwaukee Brewers this season.

This is not a bad thing. Not by any stretch. I personally think he would be aces as a closer. However, I am also of the consideration that he’s 4th in line for the job. That?

That is bad.

Why? Because while I’m glad the Reds did the bad thing and signed Cordero for 46 mil over 4 years. It does leave one problem for the Brewers.

I CAN HAZ BLOWN SAEV?

Yeah. The man who needs a Farnsworthian usage pattern of every other day or so at the start of the inning otherwise a pitcher from Cal State Cerritos could do about as well is now the stopper. Sure, if we had a manager with in-game savvy, this wouldn’t be a problem.

HOW DARE YOU EFFORT TO COMEDICALLY CAPTION MY EMOTIONS!

This Ned guy. He has no in-game savvy. He cost the Brewers the NL Central just as much as Ben Sheets impersonation of The Dugout’s impersonation of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. I was wondering about levying the hammer of Midwestern Manegerial Baseball incompetence, but I will lay off.

Suffice it to say I grow weary, but excited for the three week stretch where Ned says YES! to Seth McClung

Those two weeks will be so disasterous that Mister Patterson will fall in love with the world all over again.

BYE!