If you wish to break the internet? There is only one thing you have to do.
Brady Quinn must promote Subway’s Five Dollar Footlong Sandwiches.
And he must do this yesterday.
You’re welcome,
Andrew
The Grand National Championships
We are helpful people at The Grand National Championships. We like you. And when you’re gonna watch the NFL Draft on the last weekend in April? You’re gonna want to know stuff. I will bring you the stuff to know.
Elvi Patterson can hate me now, but I won’t stop now.
Let me tell you all you need to know about the quarterback class.
There are five that should go on Day 1. That you know. But did you know that if you wish to know where the sleeper goes, all you need to do is look inside an [Anchorman Reference]?
(Heh. Heh. Heh.)
The Magnificient Seven (Quarterbacks)
1. Matt Ryan (QB-Boston College)
6′4″ 223 4.95
There are some whom would compare him to Joe Montana. There are some whom would compare him to Tom Brady. Hell, Pro Football Weekly would even throw in Peyton Manning. Wrong. All of you are wrong.
His arm is not laser, and he will let you down going deep. He can manage the game well, but his vertical game blows. Out and out shitty.
Not to say he won’t have real world value in 2009, it’s just that you aught to temper your hopes, guy.
But being Drew Brees means you know how to learn the Carlton Dance!
WHY Matt Ryan is the next Drew Brees? He will struggle mightily for the first few years with a bad offensive line.
2. Brian Brohm (QB-Louisville)
6′4″ 224 4.82
Brian Brohm has lived a sheltered life at Louisville. A spread offense guaranteed to put up numbers for any quarterback? Two brothers as coaches? His daddy as a constant presence? Even though he was injury prone, the fix was in for him to succeed.
I know, I’m being mean. He does have a laser arm. He does have on-field football smarts. He’s not fast, but he’s not a statue in the pocket. Leadership is not a strong suit, however.
WHYhe will be the next Brady Quinn? His intangibles are questionable, his arm is not that great, and if the Ravens fall in love with a cornerback? He will lose millions on draft day.
3. Joe Flacco (QB-Delaware)
6′6″ 236 4.85
Kerry Collins had a passing camp in South Jersey. It crossed paths with a computer camp. Theirs was a love that could not last. Fortunately, Kerry does not believe in sexual congress with condoms. Nine months later, Ms. Flacco’s baby boy was born.
Don’t believe me? Think this story libelous? Well, how about we explain that Flacco is a statuesque laser, rocket-armed quarterback who is not great under pressure and has a drinking problem*?
He’s only going to be good as his coaching and supporting cast.
WHY he may be the next Matt Schaub? He’s going to be drafted as some teams back-up in the second round, have a good game versus the Patriots, and be rumored to get dealt for two years hence.
*The Mileage on Joe Flacco’s drinking problem may vary.
4. Chad Henne (QB-Michigan)
6′2″ 230 4.94
Being as my friend Elvi lives in Michigan, he is inundated with hype from Ann Arbor. He is sick of Chad Henne. In that way? He’s like your average Michigan fan.
But like anything that can be much-maligned, the fact of the matter is that Henne brings more to the table than you think. He throws hard, he plays hurt, and he has played well in big games not involving Ohio State. However, he is inaccurate and like the bastard child of Kerry Collins, when the line breaks down Henne cannot stand and deliver. The devil he may take ya.
WHY he may never be a full-time starter? He has a lot of bad habits that would only be correctable by good coaching. And do you know what’s the most translatable skill of a quarterback from college to the pros? Accuracy.
5. Andre’ Woodson (QB-Kentucky)
6′4″ 229 4.88
Let it be said that we will make an effort to speak upon him fairly. We love his style and his ability to come up big in the biggest of games. He is poor in throwing technique. He would need to land with a team that has a swanky quarterback coach to polish the rough edges. He was not great in the all-star games.
But that being said, the man is a gunslinger. He brought them back versus three teams in the Top 15 and stood toe to toe with the son of Jor-El. And while some dream of him as a Jason Campbell or a David Garrard, if everything breaks right? (And I do mean every damn thing?)
WHY I just might not be crazy? A 2nd round graded quarterback who can move around from a southern school who can bring his marginally talented team back against powerhouses? He’s got the heart and the balls.
These are your day one quarterbacks in terms of value. Sure, an Erik Ainge or John David Booty may sneak in if some team has a grade for them, but they’re backup value at best (Ainge more than Booty). But in Day 2 the only city that bears an interest?
San Diego!
Day 2 Sleepers
A. Josh Johnson (QB-San Diego)
6′2″ 213 4.55
There’s an impetus to find upside in your quarterback. Josh Johnson is the best and brightest. He destroyed competition in the Division 1-AA (FCS, whatever) with a 43-1 TD-INT ratio. And get this? His throwing style isn’t raw either! He may not be used to the speed of the pro game, but he’s not just some spread option sucker.
He played under a pro-style offense in San Diego. Jim Harbaugh was his sensei.
But there is some dark clouds in this ray of sunshine. He’s not one of the 6′5″ 240 sized types of quarterbacks, it means he may get launched. And he may never settle into his happy feet. But the fact of the matter? If Throwing Into Traffic wants to talk about what dreams may come? Talk up Josh Johnson.
WHY he might be drafted on Day 1? You remember Tavaris Jackson? Josh Johnson is the Platinum Edition of Tavaris.
B. Kevin O’Connell (QB-San Diego State)
6′5″ 225 4.64
He may not be the one, but Kevin O’ Connell [a.k.a. Cush] sure is the prototype. Strong arm with good accuracy, good footwork along with timed speed, and he has pretty good accuracy. And his sensei is a strong molder of quarterbacks. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell a prospect. Chuck Long made Kevin O’Connell blossom in the most heterosexual way possible.
And yet? The man can’t stay healthy. The man could not destroy a mid-major conference even with Chuck Long’s Mr. Miyagi-style. He can lose the plate every so often and he will not stand tall and true. He is not the gunslinger you are looking for.
WHY won’t he be another Dan McGwire? He’s agile and mobile. That and he doesn’t juice. He is not going to be a bust.
That’s it. About 1200 words in regards to your fine quarterback prospects. Yeah. This was a bit of an effort. Woot and what not.
Y’all fucked up. You’re too tied to the Schembechler era. This was an era best served with feasting on the mediocre dregs of the Big 10. (Wisconsin says you’re welcome.) Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the facts.
In fact, it makes you wonder. Why is the Michigan man so mad at ol’ Lloyd Carr? He’s only following the legacy of Bo. He’s been just as marginally above average as Bo.
(He actually has a National Championship Ring to boot.)
But this whole “Michigan Man” mystique is a joke. This is what tears programs asunder. Alabama got sunk by an Alabama man. Notre Dame got sunk by sticking with Notre Dame men. Nebraska…
WELL NEVER MIND ABOUT BILL CALLAHAN. HE IS THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE. EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT.
Anyway, Les Miles would have been the perfect choice. Old school tradition meets new school sexy time freewheelin’. And I understand why you would want him to coach your team. It would be like the desperate nerd saying to themselves, “Kristen Bell is gonna be my girlfriend!”
And she’s gonna wear this everyday! Yeah!
But wake up Dreamers. Les Miles is spoken for. Sure, he’s willing to put you withing the safe boundaries of the friend zone. (And if you are asking for Ron English, Les will give you an honest opinion.)
But until Lloyd goes; Until David Brandon stops playing at T. Boone Pickens; Until Steve Carrell stops choosing roles like an English Actor; you will find yourself with the dorky cute girl.
My advice to you? Get MSNBC Personality David Shuster on the job hunt. He’s an alum. And he can sift through the clutter to find the true facts.
He will get you your Coach Diamond in the Rough.
Or just hire Brady Hoke. Keep self-perpetuating this cycle.
I just want one thing. I want the Patriots fans to say to themselves, I guess it does all even out. I was being such a douchebag with my conspiracy theories. It’s been confirmed. Even in Parity, the NFL wants a monster. The Patriots were dead on multiple occasions in the final two minutes, and out of all the extrications?
Two were Baltimore’s fault.
What am I supposed to say? The penalties were real? Samari Rolle is not, as they say, a grown ass man? The Ravens really should have spied Brady on 4th and 6? The Massholes that dial up WEEI and scream about us versus the world would not admit it.
But the fact remains that whatever phantom calls that occured versus the Colts and whatever NBC did to the feed versus the Eagles came back in spades. The Ravens were double game and up to the task.
But the suits upstairs don’t want the Pats losing to a lame duck. They want HAWT. They want ZAZZ. They want TEH SEXXORS BACK.
They want the Pats to lose to Miami. Then it’s all…symmetrical.
Where’s our nomination? Why aren’t we in the running for best Sports Blog? We’ve only been around for six months and we’ve brought more than one great post to the table. And while the links make it seem like we’re being cocky and arrogant.
We really don’t care that we didn’t get nominated. The thing that annoys us? Kissing Suzy Kolber as best sportsblog two years running. Seriously. That right there is so stupid it makes me wonder how many of the Blogfrican High Council ate paint chips as a child.
The fact is, they only bring one post of note per year. Last year? Grossman. This year? The guide to being an insufferable Masshole. And do you notice something interesting? They’re both written by the same guy.
That’s right. Self-proclaimed fat bitch Big Daddy Drew wrote both posts. The rest of the writers are essentially ballast. (Yes, I know Ufford is the man behind With Leather, but for KSK, he’s no different than Falco.) They could all disappear, and the fact of the matter is, the quality of the site would not wane.
In fact, I’ll admit as I throw up in my mouth a little that it may actually go up.
Secondly, the association to Will Leitch. They were birthed in the commenting section of Deadspin, and like a proud papa, he brags on KSK every chance he gets. That association gives KSK a cachet that they can’t buy.
(Not to say that if my cousin Christopher, miss Barclay, and the Extrapolater get together and form a blog of moderate repute I would not brag upon them every chance I get.)
And you remember that Fantasy Football Keeper league contest? You know, the one for a KSK Reader to hang with the likes of Jaime Mottram and Dan Shanoff? You know the winner was the lady from Strike Zones and End Zones. However, what you did not know, and let my put on my tabloid reporters hat here…
SportsGirl365 was seen canoodling with KSK gadabout Unsilent Majority in the off time before the contest began and they remain amorous to this very day.
That means they don’t care about you, Brooklyn Boy or you Miami Diesel. All they want is your time. They don’t want to chill with you. Your opinions on the majestic Adrian Peterson? Meaningless.
They just want you to read their efforts at comedy and move along.
And finally, the simple fact of the matter is, shouldn’t a humor blog be funny? I mean that’s what KSK claims to be, right? Sure, now they’re saying that they want to make “cheap, obvious dick jokes.” But you know what that is?
That’s an admission of their lack of talent and the fact they think they can get away with it. They’re just the new Bill Simmons. They were new and fresh for a moment there.
Now they just suck.
Everybody’s going to over-analyze the big news of yesterday or hype up next week to the point where you want to punch a puppy. Not here. At the Grand National Championships, if we cannot do it in ten words or less, we will let you do the work. We like your moxie.
Anyway. Here’s what happened yesterday.
New England 52, Washington 7
Indianapolis 31, Carolina 7
Detroit 16, Chicago 7
Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 13
NY Giants 13, Miami 10
Philadelphia 23, Minnesota 16
Cleveland 27, St. Louis 20
Tennessee 13, Oakland 9
Buffalo 13, New York Jets 3
San Diego 35, Houston 10
Jacksonville 24, Tampa Bay 23
New Orleans 31, San Fransisco 10
Alex Rodriguez opts out of his contract
I’m serious too. ARod’s series usurping announcement just made Mike Lowell over Ten Million Dollars. I don’t think there are many people who would delve into homoerotica if they were getting eight figures more than their previous total.
I may delve deeper into Mike Lowell being richer than Astronauts later, but I will do something on the city of Boston and their beloved sports teams making the rest of the USA wish them banhammered.
And the fact of the matter is, I still think they are like The Texas Longhorns in that they are consistently overrated in repuation in comparison to production. (Or to explain it for the average KSK reader: They suck cock like it was Peter King kneeling at the feet of Brett Favre).
But the fact of the matter is it doesn’t mean I wish I hadn’t thought of this first.
12. Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. Like the whole Red Sox Nation thing. Oooh, you guys all root for the same team? How unique! How special! Fucking die. Be sure to adopt a siege mentality when your team is criticized. “Hey, you can’t rip on Papelbon! He’s fackin’ one of us!” Whatever you need to make yourself feel less alone in the world.
BDD may be a fat piece of homosexual shit, but the fact of the matter is hatred of the Boston sports fan can bring anyone together.
Hatred of the Boston sports fan can heal this world.
Or at least allow me to give three or four backhanded compliments to an unfunny but more popular site.
Dear Santa,
I know I have not been the best of people on this Earth. I have shared my hate more than my love. But what I want for Christmas is for this prediction sheet to be completely wrong. This will lead to me giving up on football.
I don’t want to give up on football. I like football.
Anyway, here’s my AFC List, with my AFC East projections.
1. New England Patriots (ZOMG LOL 16-0 BRADY THROWS FOR 181267373903873863393897 TOUCHDOWNS! MOSS CATCHES 0W43725987209587439874985 OF THEM! THE GREATEST TEAM OF AWL TIME, KID!)
2. New York Jets (It will be a consolidation season for the Mangenius. They won’t be all whoo! Mangini!)
3. Buffalo Bills (8-8 on the lake. Tim Russert will creep Marshawn Lynch out. But what I’m waiting on is the superstar dream sumo match. RUSSERT! BERMAN! It’s sumo time on ESPN Classic!)
4. Miami Dolphins (They had a bad offseason. They’re going to have a pretty good D. But their O just sucks.)
Playoffs
Wild Card: Colts over Broncos, Steelers over Bengals
Division: Colts over Chargers, I can’t even type the other one. Stupid Steelers.
AFC Championship Game: Nobody. But the Patriots will be named.
Super Bowl: Bill Simmons Red Shoe Diaries 42; America’s Last Best Hope 24.
See Santa? See what having the Patriots win everything does to me? This is why I’m asking your help. You aren’t busy right now, and can make sure I am worng.
I await your response, and I accept whatever help you can give.
Love, Andrew Rosin
Remarkably easy. Just make a joke about the Village People and you’re there. But the fact of the matter is there are people who like Notre Dame. And for one 11 year old, Brady Quinn meant a lot.
Unfortunately, Dyan Orr succumbed to her illness yesterday. And if you read the article, it will honestly tug at the heart a little.
And if Brady Quinn made a couple days of her life feel better, then he absolutely deserves a tip of the hat.
Now I know this post came remarkably snark free. But the story has a local connection. And you know what, it’s an 11 year-old who got her wishes granted. It’s supposed to make you feel good.
Thanks also go here. If you want to learn more about the departed go here.
And I promise to be more snarky on the next one. This one kind of got to me.
So in early April a work acquaintence and I were in the midst of discussions speculating on Randy Moss’s value to the Packers. The verdict? The deal should have been done yesterday, and we’ll kick in some Aaron Rodgers in your ear for good measure.
Little did we know about what kind of road that would lead down…
But then I threw away this line. “Wouldn’t it be funny if Culpepper became a Packer too?” We both thought so. It was pure gold.
But again, little did we know. Sure, the efficacy of this rumor seems highly dubious. But here it is, from profootballtalk.com.
A league source tells us that the Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper could be eyeballing the Green Bay Packers as his next NFL landing spot. If it happens, Culpepper would be a candidate to serve as the backup to starter Brett Favre, and could then be the guy to succeed Favre when he retires.
Now I’ve always liked Culpepper in the forbidden roto sense. He had some massive seasons. However, to be perfectly honest, if it’s true (and it’s not), it would be a savvy move. A year to heal and learn the offense. And if Clowney or Jones prove quality?
That annoying celebration when wearing the Purple would be the fire in Green and Gold.
But I’d be more willing to bet the guys were just making this one up more likely…
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