Dear Old People Who Hate The Blogosphere?

If you wish to break the internet? There is only one thing you have to do.

Brady Quinn must promote Subway’s Five Dollar Footlong Sandwiches.

And he must do this yesterday.

You’re welcome,

Andrew

The Grand National Championships

Yesterday’s Been a Good Day in Blogfrica.

I’m not going to vent about some small turn of events. I’m not going to turn make a right turn. I’m just going to use today as context.

See, while we have been reasonably good at what we do, we have not been nearly as good as we were at the end of 2007. Put it thusly?

We got stale. It happens to everybody. It was just our turn.

And seeing as we are indeed good Midwesterners. We have come to say, we can guide through the ennui. We can guide you through the malaise. We can get you and your blog back to good.

But first, you must know the three things not to do. Three things keep you stale.

1) Gimmicks

You can find yourself to be kind of adept as one of those guys who compares things to other things. You can play at being adept with top 10 lists. You can be appreciative of the bikinied female form or other pretty girls doing stuff. It’s okay to share these with your readers, like so…

But the fact of the matter is, like my AL West Preview, overuse of these is best served to alienate and insult your readership. They want to see you come correct, not say, hey English girls have big breasts and your AL West winner is Anaheim. You use your brain heavily, you use your gimmicks sparingly.

2) Do Not Fight Just To Fight

There are blogs that you and I will never mesh with. There are blogs inexplicably lame. There are blogs inexplicably popular. There are blog runners that can be difficult to get along with. (You didn’t hear it from me, but the howdowestopthebitch.com’s webmaster is a real asshole).

They may get you riled up. They may make you sad. They may drive you to your basement apartment to be enraged in your underwear. Don’t. Breathe. Count to 10.

You cannot hate with style and creativity often. It can be done, sure. Even an idiot can hit a home run hating on a more popular blog. But even that post took a good few days to work out. Really.

If it’s the heat of the moment telling you what your words mean? It will suck. You can be as skilled with the venom as a young Chuck Bukowski, and your writing will be awful. You cannot improvise good venom. So don’t.

3. What did I say about Pretty Girls Doing Stuff?

NO! That is the market that’s flooded past critical mass, and you’re gonna say me too? That’s bad! That will make you even staler than week old donuts.

NO ETHNIC FOOD!!

Sorry. Anyway. If you want to talk about getting back to good? There are three ways to get back to good. Simple? Sure. Probably common sense? Maybe.

But inspirational? Okay, probably not. But read on.

1. Take a Break.

You don’t have to break up with your blog. All you have to do is write, be back later, k thx bye. That’s it. I took two weeks off after a furtive, do you like me yes or no week of blogging efforts. Blogging burnout happens to everyone. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last. Take a week and chillax. Have the sun kiss your skin and what not.

In some instances, rested does equal refreshed in Blogfrica.

2. Lean on your friends.

You all have your “boys” on the interlines. Some people who are willing to provide you a ready link whenever you ask for it. They’re more than willing to keep your name out there while the ennui and malaise runs its course. If you don’t hammer their inbox with requests for help? They can let you work through your downtime.

But, Andrew, what if I’m a friendless hermit?

Come on. It’s the internet. There’s a voltron-styled blogosphere community popping up every day! Join up! And there you go! Friends!

OMG LINKIN BUDDIES LOL!

3. Work Harder

You get out of this what you put in. You want to spend three minutes working on a Top 10 List, you’ll get the rough equivalent of attention from your readership. You want to be one of the best, you’ve got to be willing to work your ass off. Nobody’s gonna give you anything you didn’t already earn. You think a door’s closed, dive in through the window. All you can do is keep scrapping and keep fighting.

Take the extra moment and find the crazy name. The only one who can share the next Zealous Wheeler is you.

You can be the unique snowflake, or you can be just another one of these guys…

Your call.

Love,

The Grand National Championships

The Trickiness of Underrated.

It is not easy to define what makes a player underrated. The good player may be on a team made of stars. The young player may have consolidated the skills that made him hyped sometime in June. The pitcher may finally have a defense that works for him.

But there are names that are flying under the radar this season. We’re gonna let our light shine upon these underrated going into 2008. These are the guys you need to be watching. Eyes front, these are your new heroes.

The Grand National Championships Present: Dude’s that Don’t Suck

Curtis Granderson CF-Detroit

Now, I know what you’re thinking. He had one of the all time great seasons in baseball history last year, how can he be underrated? You see, while he was spectacular, he is still not a complete player. He is much less than passable versus left-handed pitching, and this will be the year that he turns the tide. Consolidating that with his dominace versus right handed pitching, he will be downright spectacular. And in a line-up with superstars like Miggy Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Dontrelle Willis, Gary Sheffield and Justin Verlander? He is still going to fly under the radar.

Jeremy Hermida RF-Florida

When somebody makes the big leagues at the age of 21, he comes with savior level expectations. When somebody goes between awful and injured at age 22, people get disappointed. The first half of age 23? A lot of same shit different day. The second half? Awesome. .340/10/36/.401/.555. He’s ready for the world, so long as he stays healthy.

Chad Billingsley RHP-LA Dodgers

You want to know a reason why the Dodgers are going to improve this year? Bank on Billingsley. Last year when he finally made his entrance into the starting rotation after some scuffling in the bullpen, this young man became the putative ace of the Dodgers with a 3.38 ERA from June onward. And yet? In a world where Brad Penny had sex with Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku and Clayton Kershaw is a prospect with Hall of Fame potential, Chad Billingsley is a mere afterthought.

Wasn’t he the kid in Heavyweights?

Corey Hart RF-Milwaukee

As a wise man once said. You don’t go messing with a country boy, a country boy, a country boy. And this native of Bowling Green, Kentucky is a man that is more than sharing a name with a no-talent assclown. This giant of a man with a broad base of skills is less visible than Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Yovani Gallardo, Ben Sheets, Eric Gagne, hell, even Jason Kendall is better known to the casual fan. But the fact of the matter is, his flaw to superstardom is more correctable than our favorite 100 Grand. A lot easier to take more walks than hit lefthanders.

These are four names you need to know, casual baseball fan. These are four names that will be even bigger next year. If you don’t know? Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Movies are Fun, you guys. (An AL East Preview)

I like Movies! I like Danny Mothers, but I like movies more! I give movies a 6 out of seven! Yay!

We are looking at feature films, theories, and other movie things as…your AL East

5) The Baltimore Orioles ARE Doomsday

This team has been fighting infection. Mediocre mutates to bad. Bad mutates to mediocre. Superstars become comic book parodies. Heroes disappear. Only one person can save the city. Adam “not Pacman” Jones. Only he can fight the infected. Only he can change the world.

With Peter Angelos as “This is OUR city!” Guy. 

THIS IS OUR CITY!

4) The Toronto Blue Jays are Never Back Down

There seems to be a veritable buttload of institutional flaws within the system of the Toronto Blue Jays. Poor drafting, bad free agent signings, and Doug Melvin has engaged several instances of small scale pwnage. The Blue Jays need a young firebrand who’s angry at the world to shake things up as well as a wise mentor type to channel his anger. Sadly, while David Eckstein has a value as a “NEVER BACK DOWN!” mentor, Adam Lind is nowhere near the firebrand that the Blue Jays need to change the game in the AL East.

3) The Tampa Bay Rays are Juno

They seem revolutionary, but they’re really not. Although dropping the Devil is like dropping the fact that the screenwriter is a stripper, being a “surprising indie coming of age tale” is a lot like being “the new bandwagon” in baseball. It’s all been done before. Even if the fantasy baseball nerd among us can name the entire Ray lineup (Dioner Navarro, Carlos Pena, Akinori Iwamura, Jason Bartlett, Evan Longoria, Carl Crawfird, B.J. Upton, Jonny Gomes, and opening day starter Scott Kazmir). Even if there will be some amazing performances. Even if that dude who broke the Yankee catchers wrist is as hardcore as Ellen Page in Hard Candy, the backlash is going to happen. It will be swift. It will be violent. I drink Rocco Baldelli’s milkshake.

2) The New York Yankees are Will Ferrell.

They have been a dominant force. Funny or Die meets Murderers Row. Anchorman meets the 1998 Yankees. But after the collapse of both Bewitched and the 2004 Yankees in the ALCS, both the Yankees and Will Ferrell have gone stale. The Yankees kept buying old men and useless. Will kept with the sports movies. But this year the Yankees stood strong, and will have an infusion of a full year of Joba Chamberlain and Phillip Hughes as well as Ian Kennedy to bolster the pitching staff. Will Ferrell has a buddy comedy with John C. Reilly. They have intrigue this year. 

1) The Boston Red Sox are Auteur Theory

In 2004, David Ortiz changed the axis of baseball, and it was good. Much like Francois Truffaut changing the axis of film. However, the backlash has returned, and the backlash is strong. Sure, they do keep infusing themselves with prospects and reclamation projects (Jacoby Ellsbury and Bartolo Colon). But to hold the Red Sox as dominant baseball team as a good thing is much like saying the auteur theory can hold weight with the creators of Meet the Spartans falling under the auteur designation. With Theo Epstein as Andrew Sarris, and Manny Ramirez as Alfred Hitcock.

MANNY BEING GOOOOOD EVENING…

That’s your AL East. In 30 foot technicolor. God love it.

We like Comedy (An AL Central Preview)

By now you have seen a wailing and gnashing of teeth in regards to the Yankees putting forth a contract to once-funny comedian Billy Crystal. Because clearly, 60 year-olds are good at playing funny baseball games.

But that does not mean that other comedians would not be valid additions to your favorite major league baseball teams in the AL Central. Not by a longshot. And we at The Grand National Championships would love to tell you whom would be best.

So we will.

5) The Kansas City Royals sign: Jim Gaffigan

While his burly build and work on My Boys are obvious weaknesses, Jim Gaffigan does not need to bring the crutches of a comedian to be a man of great humor. For the fine folks of Kansas City, there is nothing more interesting than a force of nature. Jim Gaffigan can be that, nay will be that Pale Force. Jose Guillen best be stepping aside. Jim Gaffigan fills his victims full of remorse.

4) The Chicago White Sox sign: Brian Regan

He may not mesh well with the leadership of the Chicago White Sox, but the fact of the matter is, within the confines of the 25-man roster, Brian Regan is a perfect fit. His clean-cut comedy is perfect for Josh Fields to feel edgy. His manic energy is perfect to stand with Jim Thome. And his love of fig newtons?

Nick Swisher loves himself the Fig Newtons. I mean, durr.

3) The Minnesota Twins sign: Brody Stevens

I was going to give you a comparison to Chris Rock in that the window of opportunity for the Twins closing is much like a stand-up finding complacency. But forget all that. The Twins need a laser rocket arm. And as comedians go, Brody Stevens is best.

‘

Hey, he couldn’t be any worse than Sidney Ponson.

2) The Cleveland Indians Sign: Zack Galifinakis

Now, you would think that musical talent would not be an effective addition for any team, you would be wrong. Garth Brooks got signed with the Padres and then they made the World Series. Galifinakis would bring much the same skill to the Indians. His comedy would make Joe Borowski consistent and the outfield awesome. It would put them over the top.

That, and his snuggling would make Andy Marte a great prospect again. Galifinakis would snuggle you back to health.

1) The Detroit Tigers sign Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt may not be the most physically gifted comic out there, but he does present a tiny strike zone target. Miguel Cabrera would love him, because then he would have a willing tag team partner for the KFC Gravy Bowls. Dontrelle Willis would love him, because the chuckles would help trade his brain after a bad start with the brain of a great start. He may not solve the bullpen problems, but he would put the Tigers over the top.

Yes. This is how I roll. I will be back with new news. Or News.

Later skaters.

We like Sports. (NL Central Preview)

This is of course a given. But there are other things that we find awesome. For example, the only watchable show on E!, The Soup, rocks socks and rules schools.

How does The Soup relate to sports? Easy. Joel McHale. Ask him about his Rose Bowl Ring.

So we’ve decided to show the fools who don’t watch The Soup and would rather watch the CHUD baby sister clip show “Best Week Ever” what they’re missing and who’s the best in the NL Central. Because we care. We care a lot.

6) The Pittsburgh Pirates are Let’s Take Some E!

Like the more entertaining shows on a network, the NL Central must carry it’s lesser lights. Enter the Pittsburgh Pirates. The E! Channel makes it’s bones on random attractive yet untalented skanks like the Pirates collect random non-roster invitees*. Expect this team to win less than 70 games and have one of the Olly Girls throw out the first ball.

*In this analogy, Ian Snell is Snoop Dogg and Doug Mientkiewicz is Kim Kardashian.

And now, a random E! Skank!

5) The Houston Astros are the Mail Nurse

The stank of steroids and HGH is ripe for this once proud organization. There is estrogen deposits within the man boobs of the great acquisition to lead the team into the next decade. Miguel Tejada is just one step away from becoming a full pre-op tranny. All in all, the Astros are a creepy scene. A really creepy scene. 

Miguel Tejada is creepier than Putting the Lotion in the Basket!

4) The Cincinnati Reds are THE BIG TIME CELBRITY GUEST!

Every year, the Reds try to get you hyped in regards to the magic of their big Free Agent acquisition or their big rookie. Sometimes it’s impressive, if ultimately disappointing. (Ken Griffey Jr. is roughly equivalent to Joss Stone). Sometimes they come out of nowhere to be awesome (as Ron Gant goes, so goes Wolf from American Gladiators) Sometimes it’s an amusing, if merely temporary diversion (If Fransisco Cordero is Constantin Maroulis, then Eric Milton is the Pop Off Lady from Bad Girls Club). Sure, you have to believe the magic on occasion, but it is never your division championship clip of the week.

Why? Because no matter how many big time celebrities the Reds have? Having the baseball equivalent of an adult Danny Bonaduce running the show means your dreams will be destroyed. 

3) The Saint Louis Cardinals ARE Chat Stew

The adventures of the Cardinals are SOOOOO MEATY. You have Albert Pujols as dominant as Oprah. You have Tony LaRussa as the annoying egotistical diva Tyra Banks. You have the daytime drama of the steroid using family of Rick Ankiel, Juan Gonzalez, and the dead and dying Cardinals named Darryl Kile and Josh Hancock. They are mediocre, but they shall return.

2) The Milwaukee Brewers are REALITY SHOW CLIP TIME!

While having two players owning the nickname of the Hebrew Hammer might qualify the Brewers as Jewbacca, they have collected themselves spare parts like America has collected Reality Shows. Mike Cameron is your Survivor. Guillermo Mota is your Married By America. Eric Gagne is your Flavor Flav based Reality Program. They will have a whole load of mediocre at the ready if the stars of The Brewers network are unable to perform.

1) The Chicago Cubs are Oprah’s Va Jay Jay

Every year they are expected to be the among the most dominant forces in NL Central entertainment. This year, with the Japanese Bob Abreu in Kosuke Fukudome, is no different. The Va Jay Jay will be in a hotly contested battle with Reality Show Clip Time for the NL Central crown. But even if the Cubs win the NL Central, we all know what’s going to happen.

My Va-Jay-Jay is Painin’!

More of these posts will come. This is how we will make our baseball previews shine.

YAY! Comparing things to things!

Beard Watch 2008!

As my beard grows in thicker and thicker; I have noticed that my beard is beginning to show it’s true shape.  

Originally, I had hoped my beard to resemble that of a bear or a person who trains bears.

Sadly, this was not be the case.  My beard has gone from looking like peach fuzz a 9th grader tries to grow, to something resembling a beard similar to #2 (Commander Willam Riker) from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

This is a beard that still rocks the casbah..but I was truly looking for that crazy pioneer look.

But as this beard takes on a life of it’s own..I’m truly enjoying this endurance test of myself and a razor.    I was talking to a lady friend, and she told me that I should trim the beard but keep the goatee part long.  As it gros longer I should cut the goatee into a point so that way I can look like a wise master.

Awesome!

ELVI!

Behold! Classy Women doing Stuff!

Do you know who this is?

If you do, you’re probably a huge sports fan.  For those who aren’t in the know, the girl pictured above is Erin Andrews.  Ms. Andrews works for a cable channel called ESPN as a sideline reporter.  Unlike most sideline reporter’s, Erin Andrews is actually good at her job; she gets interesting facts and does a good interview.  There is something about Ms. Andrews that other sideline reporters dont’ have.

 

Erin Andrews has male sports fans and bloggers by the balls because she has The “IT” Factor!

What is,”IT“?  Honestly, I don’t know.  In fact noone knows, but when you have,”IT“ you’re the hit of the search party.  The French call it Je Nais Se Quoi, but screw that, we all know from, “Scared Straight” that speaking American is the only acceptable language.

I honestly don’t understand the whole fanboyism encircling Ms. Andrews.  The most obvious reason is because I don’t prefer blondes, but I do sorta understand why she is attractive.  She’s stunning in the same way Anne Hathaway is.

 

Basically, Erin Andrews and Anne Hathway are very, very easy on the eyes.  Both are stand outs at their jobs.  I think the biggest thing going for them is that they are classy in a classless world.  Erin Andrews doesn’t posture around like some cheap floozy or dress like that one night stand you had who had a tramp stamp of the Rugrats.   Anne Hathaway can and should be considered the new Audrey Hepburn  You will never see her in a movie with Dane Cook and she won’t go crotchless as much as we all hope (unless you’ve seen HAVOC!).

Finally, to all the guys who have a fetish for Erin Andrews take note.  You are oogling a woman who has grace and confidence; please don’t comment about how you’d drink her bathwater or something really creepy in that vein.

ELVI!

Let’s keep it in the family.

McNamee, Roger Clemen’s trainer; may have told congress that he injected Roger Clemen’s wife with HGH. I’m amazed actually. This PR battle is getting dirty and gritty, much like Amy Winehouse.

to show you what is being speculated I’ll do a simple mathematical equation.

Roger Clemens

+

DEBBIE CLEMENS

X (TIMES)

ASS NEEDLES!

= (equals)

I hope that tomorrow we find out McNammee injected Clemen’s dog with HGH. Also, we have unconfirmed reports of Roger Clemens buying and using Steve Martin’s Penis Beauty Cream!

Use cream for a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis.  These reports are based on Clemens’ housekeeper receiving a brown package that had the words,‘NOT PENIS CREAM!” imprinted on the box. 

God, I love pre-spring training baseball!

ELVI!

When you think of the great directors…

You think Spielberg. Hitchcock. Allen. Howard Hawks. John Ford. Truffaut, if you’re a pretentious dick. But here is the thing, you are wrong.

The great director of all time is a pro wrestler.

He is not famous like your The Rocks, or The Stone Colds. He is not infamous like your Chris Benoits or your Ultimate Warriors. He is merely a professional. A man who did his job every day and did it well. Now?

He is going to achieve his dream.

This is Gangrel. A.K.A. The Vampire Warrior A.K.A. Dave Heath. This man is going to be making his debut into what is sure to be an instant classic.

This film will star Breanna Fox, Summer Stevens, and of course, the immortal Summer Haze. And it is sure to be the debut of a master in the making.

You can take your Iron Man’s, you can take your Dark Knights, you can even take your Wall-E’s.

Give me Miami Rump Shakers 2! With promotion like this?

• Question: Yeah well ah tell us a bit ah about the project that you said is just completed Miami Rumpshakers 2. Give us ah, give us a bit about the plot you know, any plot twists and turns and uh…is there a, is there like a cliffhanger ending?

  Gangrel: Ah no. It’s just different scenes. I’ve only did, on that one I’ve only did directed one scene and it’s just more of a comedy thing and it’s just me starting out. I was just breaking my cherry so to speak you know.

  Question: So ah, when you say you are just directing the comedy aspects of it I mean what a, like so was it a non-sex scene that you directed?

  Gangrel: Well no, there’s sex in it but um well I’ll read it to you. I…there is a guy…he had sex with a mannequin in it.

OPIE’S GONNA GET A DDT TO THE OSCARS!

Yeah! That joke ruled!