I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, care, care anymore.

If you’ve read any sort of a sportsblog today, you know that Deadspin Editor Will Leitch got attacked by a crazed Pulitzer Prize winner last night on Costas Now. You know what else?

I don’t really give a shit.

I mean really. This isn’t some Epic battle of good versus evil. This is Rap Music in 1992. This is Rock and Roll in the mid-1950′s. And so on and so on and so on. Sure, nobody in the Mainstream Music Media said Dr. Dre creates beats in his underwear from his parents basement, but that’s beside the point.

Bissinger is just on the wrong side of the fence, which is a shame, because he’s too rich to really have to give a shit about this. He’s not one of those sports columnists who bring nothing to the table outside of yelling at sports. The blogosphere is not the migrant worker that can do his job for pennies on the dollar.

Then again, ego is a funny thing. If you’re great at something, you feel a sense of professional pride on it. Tom Shales probably blanches at unpaid writings of television criticism. Hunter S. Thompson would probably have sent death threats to anyone who would dare throw bombs in areas that he once wrote about. And Buzz Bissinger isn’t the only one qualified on sports writing.

I mean, I can name you ten websites that provide intriguing points of view about sports in general and sports in particular. (Point of fact? The NBA Blogfrica is scary good.) And when you have that sort of talent brusing up against the fevered egos of the hack sports columnist? You get a certain amount of “How Dare They?” Same as what Tommy Dorsey felt when Elvis made his way onto the scene.

And that’s what brings us back to do.

(And for the record? This was posted in my underwear from my basement apartment.)

The Bill Simmons Backlash.

In the Early-2000′s, ESPN’s Page 2 was the single greatest place for writing ever. Hunter S. Thompson, Ralph Wiley, and a young upstart from the Boston area named Bill Simmons combined to be the triumverate of sports journalism that everybody could read. (It was ESPN’s last great moment.)

By 2006, HST and Wiley passed on, and Bill Simmons was the face of ESPN.com. And by this point, there was a backlash going his way. He got complacent and went back to the same conventions over and over. He let his wife share column space. He wrote footnotes to his old columns and dared to call it a book.

Sure, when it came to the NBA he was still nonpareil, but when he dared venture into other sports? He found that people did not like his work so much anymore.

Now I am one for irony. I love it. It’s like an Alanis Morrisette joke on my wedding day.

And I do think that there is a popular blog that is following down the path of the Simmons. They are trying to become a brand name. They could be accused of going down the same road with their style on post after post. They have one poster coming out with a book of his own.

So who? Who is the blog walking down the primrose path to do lazy d-bag?

Click the link. Appreciate the irony.

I’M MAKING THEM POPULARER! DAS DUAL IRONY!

(Cryptic Inside blogger note: Mister M, this does stem from the post I flinched on.)

You want I should comment about the Heisman?

Okay. I comment about the Heisman.

It went exactly how the stiff arm trophy people said it was going to. Maybe a little closer than expected, but still. Tim Tebow’s touchdown count was massive and quite frankly, he was like Brock Sampson and Jules Winfield all rolled into one.

TIM TEBOW IS A MAN AMONG THE 18-25 YEAR OLD DEMOGRAPHIC!!!

But here’s the thing. I remember Ron Dayne winning the Heisman. I remember the celebatory shouts of RON DAYNE! that permeated Camp Randall way back in the Halcyon days of NewsRadio and Tech Stocks. Quite frankly, we midwesterners knew how to handle our superstars*.

*Yes, we are excluding Brett Favre.

So, why am I doing this? One reason. To make fun of Dan Shanoff and whatever residual Bill Simmons Homerism rubbed off from his time at the Worldwide Leader.

• It will probably not surprise you to know that I have representation in all three categories. But there’s something about Tebow — the combination of skills, charisma, humility…

Put it simply, there is so much subtext within the walls of that ellipsis, that if we have any readers willing to take a shot. I want to know.

What was in Dan Shanoff’s head to make him trail off like that?

H.B.O. Help a brother out.

K THX BYE!

How To Objectify Women; and Ruin a Fanbase! Part 1: IT BEGINS!

One must know this about the great continent of Blogfrica; Women run rare in the land of the nerd. 

When a fresh female face arises amoungst the pimply overweight sea of thousands; that face will always have an adoring mob willing to do anything for that person.  Usually, this amounts to a bunch of fanboyism and buying expensive gifts for said pretty face in hopes of a photo with a sign saying thank you addressed to them.

We at The Grand National Championships don’t think that’s right.  The majority of the time the female bloggers are mediocre and occasionally have something interesting to say.  The thing we have a problem with is that they get a free pass at anything.   Just because you have a happening Va-Jay-Jay does not a brillant blogger make.  Recycling something you saw on Youtube or a bigger blog does not make you interesting.  Quite frankly, a quality female blogger is mediocre at best.

This is why we decided to ruin our fanbase.  Female bloggers need to be taken down a peg.  The hordes of nerds who think they have a shot with an interweb personality will come out in droves.  We’re cool with that.  Acutally we want that.  Give us your hate!  We want to see the nerd mob frothing at the mouth!  Thus begins:

THE GRAND NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS: WOMEN!  WHY DON’T THEY LOSE SOME WEIGHT!?

We begin with the women of Ladies…

Holly:  What is she hiding with her hair!??  Glass Eye! There, I said it, and saved you numerous nights alone with a crusty gym sock.

LadyAndrea:  Could you be a bigger stereotype of a midwest girl!?  Jesus, with all that make up I could spackle all the cracks in Bea Arthurs’ face.  Miss Piggy called; she wants her look back. 

 GordonSchumway:  When a girl has short hair it means one thing; I used to be a man!  So for every fanboy thinking about it, I’ll give you this advice.  Watch,”The Crying Game” and then decide if you can “Man” up!  Want another hint?  Notice how the adam’s apple is hidden in the picture.

Last, but certainly not least: Abarclay12!

Abarclay12:  You look like the love child of Joan Jett and Rocky Dennis from Mask!

    +    

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let the hate spew from your keyboads..Or…Agree with us!  The comment box is open and ready!

Elvi!

The Best Advice I Have Never Followed?

“Don’t be cool. Like everything.”

-Alan Moore

Sure, if you think about it, the advice is damn near unfollowable. But you get the context. It’s a lot easier to learn how to be savvy and smart if you want to try and learn everything than if you’re too cool for school.

Trust me. Trying to act cool and internet tough isn’t exactly going to make you good at writing, and good at life. Right now, the best example is the 1972 Dolphins. They have the biggest threat to an undefeated season in the modern era, and the Dolphins are not exactly taking it well.

Point of fact, they’re taking a team that’s difficult to root for and making football fans secretly want them to at least go 19-0 so that some of these Dolphins will have nothing left to root for.

Why? Because Mercury Morris is built internet tough.

I am not built internet tough. But I get the sense that I will someday far in the future leave Epic Carnival because some of them are.

And I just HAVE to play Cool Guy Perez.

In Which I Preview Every Major Free Agent

Okay, we all know what Free Darko did with a preview of every NBA Player out there doing his NBA thing. This is an homage. This is something less ambitious and probably less deft than what Free Darko did.

But they have a book deal, I’m barely interested in advertising for this site. And I know baseball better than I know hoop. I drafted this Josh Smith character round two in Fantasy Hoops and I still don’t know who he is.

Notes: The Number in Parentisis is Age. The list, with best guesses for option years is cribbed from MLB Trade Rumors. NT=Non Tendered Free Agent

Catchers
Michael Barrett (31) Will be punched upon his return to Chicago.
Ramon Castro (32) Mike Rivera will attempt to kill him in an homage to Single White Female.
Jason Kendall (34) Had his own personal tech bubble go burst in his ankle.  
Paul Lo Duca (36) Will administer misery upon everone he sees after he takes a lesser deal. Will bat .533 in Spring Training.
Jorge Posada (36) Will miss having Tim Gunn as his wingman more than he’ll ever know.
Jose Molina (33) Will go on a hunting trip with Yadier and Bengie. None will return. One week later, a Japanese ghost will be found.
Yorvit Torrealba (30) His strong arm and good game calling will not save him from the Hell of leaving the Rockies.

First basemen
Sean Casey (34) Will find the schtick that was so cute long ago has worn thin.
Tony Clark (36) Reminds everyone that he was once the #2 pick in the Draft.
Darin Erstad (34) Chuck Klosterman will fight to keep him in the league.
Scott Hatteberg (38) Billy Beane does not return his calls.
Ryan Klesko (37) Has not checked the children. And the call is coming from inside the house! OH NOES!
Doug Mientkiewicz (34) Keeps rereading his sections in the Sam Walker book “Fantasyland.”

Second basemen
Luis Castillo (32) He needs to hit .330 to have value.
Marcus Giles (30) Will be a butler to a rich English family in the BBC’S hilarious send up of the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”
Tadahito Iguchi (33) Really misses Shingo Takatsu.
Mark Loretta (37) Has no use for these proceedings.
Kaz Matsui (32) Is still confused as to why the kid from Growing Pains hasn’t saved the world yet.
Jose Valentin (38) The stealthy play for someone who needs a third baseman.

Shortstops
David Eckstein (33) Loves the fact that he is white.
Cesar Izturis (28) Will grab your taint for league minimum.
Alexei Ramirez (26) Is really 47 years old.
Juan Uribe (29) Will punch Michael Barrett upon his return to Chicago.
Omar Vizquel (41) Does not know about his name drop on the Simpsons.

Third basemen
Pedro Feliz (33) The luckiest boy in free agency land.
Mike Lamb (32) Loves the Gyros. Truly, he like-a the juice.
Mike Lowell (34) Will make 20 million dollars more thanks to Scott Boras’ showstealing.
Alex Rodriguez (32) Demands Don Cheadle voiceovers every time he has to talk.

Left fielders
Barry Bonds (43) [Reference to drug use and general unlikability.]
Cliff Floyd (35) As the man said, you can’t go home again.
Luis Gonzalez (40) Back in his day he walked uphill both ways to batting practice, and 15 home runs were tremendous! SPECTACULAR!
Geoff Jenkins (33) If Trot Nixon kind of looked like Brett Favre…
Reggie Sanders (40) America’s Next Top Black Republican.
Shannon Stewart (34) A cautionary tale for Vernon Wells.
Brad Wilkerson (31) Al’s Ramblings choice for a stopgap replacement for your Milwaukee Brewers.

Center fielders
Mike Cameron (35) Even with the PED suspension, the 4th stupidest Center fielder available.
Torii Hunter (32) Will creepily tongue kiss Alex Rodriguez for allwoing him to play close to home in Arlington.
Andruw Jones (31) Will have a huge bounce back year justifying the smaller big contract. Scott Boras will eat bone marrow out of Mark Prior’s arm in frustration.
Kenny Lofton (41) Will sign with a losing playoff team for a one year deal.
Corey Patterson (28) Reads “#1 Prospect 2001, 2002″ on his business card.
Aaron Rowand (30) Not worth the money he’s going to get.

Right fielders
Milton Bradley (30) He’ll be coming back next year.
Kosuke Fukudome (31) Has his own tribute band.
Shawn Green (35) Jewish. And yet he is nowhere near excited about Bee Movie as the chosen people are expected to be.
Jose Guillen (32) About to find himself in a hilarious romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore.
Trot Nixon (34) Geoff Jenkins with a southern fried Boston accent.

DHs
Mike Piazza (39) Bravely wore a mustache in the mid-1990′s at the Mustache’s nadir.
Sammy Sosa (39) Will likely be the unintelligible ESPN Baseball Analyst. Sorry Eduardo Perez!
Mike Sweeney (34) The tragic hero of Major League Baseball.

Yeah. You need a break. I shall provide you solace. As well as a pretty girl doing stuff.

Yep. There we go. A sorbet to clear the palate. ON TO PITCHING!

Starting pitchers
Tony Armas (30) In a world where the elite play dice with the universe, only one man fights for you. That man is Tony Armas.
Kris Benson (33) [Reference to the attractiveness of his wife].
Paul Byrd (37) Apparently Jesus loves a lying drug user.
Shawn Chacon (30) Holds the record for most saves with a 7+ ERA in a single season.
Roger Clemens (46) Will feign a hamstring injury to get out of the act of lovemaking.
Matt Clement (33) The ballast of the Boston Red Sox. He’s a rich man’s Jamey Wright.
Bartolo Colon (35) Went to 30 Taco Bells in the greater Los Angeles area on October 30th. He loves his tacos.
Josh Fogg (31) Really loves the music of Mel Torme.
Casey Fossum (30) Has a crippling addiction to Soma.
Freddy Garcia (32) Can’t look himself in the mirror.
Tom Glavine (42) The last of the Red Hot 300 Game Winner Bombshells.
Livan Hernandez (33) Is voting for Stephen Colbert in the primaries.
Jason Jennings (29) Finds Top Ten Lists the Lowest form of communication if your name is not David Letterman.
Byung-Hyun Kim (29) Million dollar arm, seven cent head.
Brian Lawrence (32) He’s the Dollar Tree Jon Leiber.
Jon Lieber (38) He is Bob Tewksbury for a new generation!
Kyle Lohse (29) Calls Jeff Suppan for advice on being a mediocre pitcher demanding 8 figures per year.
Rodrigo Lopez (32) He is the inspiration for the man known throught Mexcio as El Dandy.
Eric Milton (32) They say it’s a hopeless fight, but he says he has to try.
Tomo Ohka (32) Has not seen one episode of Cautionary Tales of Swords.
Russ Ortiz (34) Will have to pay a team two million dollars for a spot on the 40-man roster.
Odalis Perez (31) The greatest non-roster invitee you will ever see.
Kenny Rogers (43) Will punch you if you offer him chicken. Or film him. Or if you’re at arms length. He’s really an ass.
Curt Schilling (41) The fans of his 13th free agent choice are overjoyed to even be mentioned. Seriously. They have no dignity.
Carlos Silva (29) He will flee to South Africa after a slow start. 
Julian Tavarez (35) Will fight a baby and lose.
John Thomson (34) The Division Three Linfield Tigers basketball team has a standing offer for him to coach.
Brett Tomko (35) Once traded between two fantasy baseball players 12 times.
Steve Trachsel (37) Ugly. Mean. Slow. If he couldn’t pitch, he’d be working at Burger King.
Jeff Weaver (31) Will retire to become the next Christopher Cross.
David Wells (45) Will retire to the Independent Nation of Buckfalls Ranch.
Kip Wells (31) Is gifted with the greatest gift of all. Delusion.
Randy Wolf (31) The greatest professional player in MTV Rock and Jock history.
Jamey Wright (34) Pitches like a man who has sex with Misty Mundae on the side.
Jaret Wright (32) His elbow fell off. Forget about him.
Mike Maroth (NT) He’s lefthanded. Apparently that’s valuable.
Mark Prior (NT) Busy providing Scott Boras what he needs to survive.

Closers
Armando Benitez (35) Is a lot scarier before you get to know him.
Francisco Cordero (33) He will disappoint at 4 years and 44 million.
Eric Gagne (32) Wishes for a smaller market so he can smoke his hookah in piece.
Todd Jones (40) For someone who hates the gays, he has the mustache of someone whom knows the restroom code. LARRY CRAIG!
Mariano Rivera (38) Will sign with the Colorado Rockies in an upset.
Bob Wickman (39) Enjoys butter fried butter.

Middle relievers
Jeremy Affeldt (29) Remarkable, he has not felt a boob. The Dugout lies here.
Antonio Alfonseca (36) Curses the lack of convenient taco bells in the greater Philadelphia area.
LaTroy Hawkins (35) He is a random mediocre middle reliever. Also, he’s a shapeshifter.
Jorge Julio (29) The Dominican Byung Hyun-Kim
Joe Kennedy (29) An underrated lefthanded swingman option.
Scott Linebrink (31) Dominant in 2005 and 2006. The “LOST” of baseball players.
Troy Percival (39) Goes after all nerds with a violent fury.
David Riske (31) Owes Jaime Walker for his pioneering middle relief work.
Mike Timlin (42) Regrets not being around for the majestry of RBI Baseball.
Luis Vizcaino (31) Won a radar gunoff versus Kyle Farnsworth.
Kerry Wood (31) Will still look like the drummer from the Offspring.
Eddie Guardado (NT) Once upon a time, this man was what was right with the world. Now, he is merely filler.

See, there you go. Now you know that if you sign Luis Vizcaino, he has a power arm. Or Marcus Giles will be the next Ricky Gervais. I have done a service here.

You’re welcome.

Okay. I know I’ve cracked wise on Kissing Suzy Kolber.

And the fact of the matter is, I still think they are like The Texas Longhorns in that they are consistently overrated in repuation in comparison to production. (Or to explain it for the average KSK reader: They suck cock like it was Peter King kneeling at the feet of Brett Favre).

But the fact of the matter is it doesn’t mean I wish I hadn’t thought of this first.

• 11. Adopt the attitude that you, yes you, DESERVE this success. “Hey, we Pats fans know how it used to be back in the day. We earned these titles.” Don’t treat your team’s good fortune as the stroke of good fortune it happens to be. No, no, no. Your championship has to be deeper then someone else’s championship. It has to mean something more. Why? Because you fancy yourself as being introspective. Cockgobbler. Treat it like some sort of karmic reward for Len Bias dying, or some other twisted, idiotic explanation.

  12. Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. Like the whole Red Sox Nation thing. Oooh, you guys all root for the same team? How unique! How special! Fucking die. Be sure to adopt a siege mentality when your team is criticized. “Hey, you can’t rip on Papelbon! He’s fackin’ one of us!” Whatever you need to make yourself feel less alone in the world.

BDD may be a fat piece of homosexual shit, but the fact of the matter is hatred of the Boston sports fan can bring anyone together.

Hatred of the Boston sports fan can heal this world.   

Or at least allow me to give three or four backhanded compliments to an unfunny but more popular site.

New York Magazine likes to eviscerate people.

Sure, these targets may seem worthy. 1995 was a bad year for Saturday Night Live, and the fact of the matter is that this article words are as true today as they were back in their time. But references to unfrozen caveman lawyer are not why I am here.

(Well, they kind of are, but you know what? Moving on.)

I am here because Gawker got pretentiously bitched out by these self same hipsters. I dunno.

You know what? Never mind. I’m going to get my shit rained on for hours at a time.

Everybody loves a good feud.

I know I do. Loggins and McDonald taking it to Hall and Oates is as good as gold. But here’s the thing you have to know…

When two lame-o’s, famous lame-o’s, but lame nevertheless lame people decide that they don’t like each other. You get things like this…

• “We’ve all seen these baseball playoff commercials where Dane Cook pretends to be such a big baseball fan, even though we’re not sure if he could pick Albert Pujols out of a police lineup … so this week’s host is shooting one of those the baseball commercials, except he keeps screwing up the names really badly (absolutely butchers Rivera, Papelbon, Pujols, Sabathia, etc). And the director has to keep interrupting him. And then it goes on for three minutes.”

A one-note joke going on for three minutes? You would think that it wouldn’t be worth your time. You would be polite and say to the quasi-famous man that he’ll think about it. And then you would never mention it again.

But not Seth Meyers (click the link). Seth Meyers was thinking to himself, “that comedian Dane Cook has not bean ripped on! To the writers room tootsweet! By jove, this has potential to be a ripping yarn!”

And you know what? It was the prototype of your shitty Saturday Night Live sketch.

HOORAY!

I hate you comedy, and I hate all that you stand for. You made me cry. 

And another acceptable excuse? We don’t have a Dane Cook impersonator. I almost want to see Good Luck Chuck in solidarity.

But I’d rather kill myself.

Here’s the thing about the Bandwagon Fans.

When they leap off? They leap off angry.

How do I know this? Because this was a big weekend for the bandwagon crash. Florida, Oklahoma, Texas, the Big East, Penn State, etc. Add to that the final death gurgles of my Brewers and the Mets, and what did we get?

The self-proclaimed heroes of people whom aren’t geographically nearby have failed them. And in the Shphere of Blogfrica, that means you have the means with none of the brand loyalty. This weekend? It brought us two bandwagon denouncements that a Red Sox fan would be proud of.

But why? Why do people act so cold to the teams that they done hitched their wagons to?

The I told you so factor. Everybody wants to say see, see, I so called that. I mean, if I had any guts, I would have had a Packers-Saints NFC Championship game. But when you miss. When the milk turns bad?

Things get virulent. People get bitchy. I get annoyed by bloggers whom are better than me.

But they don’t care. They’re living and dying with the Rockies tonight.